Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. I write this strictly becausewell, because Legolas: Because you are an obsessive-compulsive personality with a very large sadistic streak? Me: You again? Are you following me? Are you some kind of sick, twisted Elf stalker? Legolas: ME? You're the one who won't leave ME alone! Me: I don't seem to remember calling you - you just showed up. Legolas: Stop trying to twist this around - you're obsessed with ME! Me: Soyou're a sick, twisted Elf stalker who is also paranoidis that it? Legolas: There's no winning with you, is there? Me: Ooohhe can be taught!

It's About Time

Summery: Guess what? The Elves never left Middle Earth! They're still here! They're still gorgeous! They're selling time-shares! How would our favorite Elves make their way in our world? Non-canon, AU, obviously. Humor. Rated PG-13 for language and adult situations. Please read and review.

A/N: Okayso it's not an original ideablame the plot bunnies, not me. They've mated with the dust bunnies under my bed and have produced this misshapen bit of bunny fluff. I'm getting them all spayed and neutered next week.

Chapter 1

The Call

He reached over the side of the bed and blindly slammed the button on the alarm clock. Sliding his feet to the floor, he felt around for his slippers, then slowly stood up, stretching.

Walking into the kitchen, he quickly added grinds and water to the Mr. Coffee, and turned it on. Stepping into the bathroom, he sighed as he peed out the remnants of last night's Budfest.

He squinted into the bathroom mirror, wincing at the puffiness around his eyes.

"Man, I wonder if 'Ro looks this bad this morning," Elladan wondered, pulling down the lower eyelashes of his left eye with a long, slender finger. Splashing some cold water on his face, he ran a comb through his long, silky, ebony hair. He walked out of the bathroom and down the hall of the apartment he shared with his twin brother.

Hearing the snores coming from his brother's bedroom, he pounded on the doorloudly enough to shake the frame. He heard a satisfying thump from within the room as a startled Elrohir rolled out of bed and hit the floor.

"Rise and shine, brother, dear! We've got work, today."

"When my eyes fully open and this pounding in my head fades to a dull ache, I am going to throttle you!" came a voice from behind the door.

Elladan chuckled to himself. It had been this way for eonsElrohir never wanted to get up in the morning. Of the two of them, 'Ro was the night owl. He'd party all night, and sleep all day, if 'Dan would let him. Which he never did - much to Ro's annoyance.

Padding back into the kitchen, Elladan poured himself a cup of coffee - one of the addictive, if delicious, habits he had picked up over the centuries - adding a generous amount of sugar and cream. Pulling out a plate of danish from the fridge, he sat at the kitchen table, sipping his cup and perusing the daily paper.

A short while later, Elrohir stumbled out of the bathroom, feeling his way down the hall with his hands to the kitchen, wearing only his blue plaid pajama bottoms. He also poured himself a cup of coffee, although how he managed it without spilling the hot liquid all over himself was a mystery, since his eyes were still closed. He seated himself across from his mirror image, and pulled the sports section out of 'Dan's hands.

"Got a call from Legolas last night. Wants to meet up with us tonight at the Breeze," Elladan said conversationally, picking up a piece of cherry danish and biting into it. "Ah, sugarone of the many inventions of Men I truly enjoy," he said to himself, "sugar and Taco Bell."

"Haven't I told you a billion times not to talk to me until after I've had my coffee?" Elrohir growled, forcing his gray eyes open to look at his brother. He grabbed an apple danish and took a huge bite out of it.

"Sorry. When you're awake, or reach whatever form of consciousness you have that simulates being awake, I'll need an answer for Legolas."

"What does he want, anyway? I thought he was working on a new project that was taking up all of his time"

"Don't know, he wouldn't say. He just said that it was important, earth-shattering, and that all life on the planet as we know it depended on our meeting," "Dan explained around a mouthful of danish.

"In other words, he wants a favor," 'Ro said flatly. "Oooh, I think the Devils are going to make it all the way to the playoffs this year!" he continued, his eyes picking up an article on the front of the sports' page.

"Yeah? Glorfindel better get us tickets," Elladan smiled, getting up for another cup of coffee. "And not up in the nosebleed section like the last timeI want to be down on the ice, where I can see him get his ass kicked!"

Elrohir rolled his eyes. "He does most of the asskicking out therefreakin' balrog-slayer wiped the ice with the captain of the Rangers last game."

"I can always hope" 'Dan laughed, draining his second cup of coffee. He left his twin reading the paper and went to take a shower. "Don't dawdle over the paper too long, 'Rowe've got a 9:00 a.m. sales meeting this morning."

"Yeah, yeahI know," Elrohir muttered, burying his nose in the paper again.

A short while later, the twins were dressed in khakis and bright blue golf shirts, their hair neatly tied back at the napes of their necks. Hopping into 'Dan's shiny new Mustang convertible, they drove the short distance to the Willoughby Station Timeshare Resort, where they currently both held jobs as salesmen. The most successful salesmen in the history of the resort, mind youthey had a system that could not be beaten. They sold almost exclusively to females - and what female could possibly resist their charms? Not many - hence the success.

As they walked into the sales office, every female eye following their every step, 'Dan's cell phone rang.

"Hello, this is Elladan" He answered, flipping open the tiny instrument and holding it next to his pointy ear.

"'Dan? It's Ada. Did Legolas call you last night?" Elrond asked his son.

"Ada? Yes, he calleddid he call you too?"

"Yes. I've already heard from Galadriel and Celeborn this morningthe Prince was a busy beaver last night. He must have called every Elf on the planet. Do you have any idea what this is all about?"

"Nope. He just asked us to meet him at The Breeze tonight."

"Well, I guess I'll see you two therethis had better be good, though. I'm giving up Monday night football for this."

"What? Adayou're breaking up," 'Dan yelled into the phone.

"See you tonight!" Elrond yelled back, severing the connection.

Elladan looked at Elrohir, and raised an eyebrow. "That was Ada."

"So I surmised when you screamed his name a moment ago."

"Legolas called him, too. It's going to be like Old Home week tonight - he's called just about everyone to meet him there."

"Super," 'Ro said dryly, rolling his eyes. "Let's gothe meeting is about to start."

They walked together into the conference room, every female eye still trained on the backs of their pants.