Disclaimer:I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: I won, I won, I won! Haldir: Shut up, Legolas. Legolas: You're just jealous because I won. Haldir: Shut up, Legolas. Legolas: I beat you fair and square. Haldir: Shut up, Legolas. Legolas: I can't help it if you've lost the touch. Haldir: For the last time, Legolas, SHUT UP! Legolas: C'monadmit itI'm better than you! (WHAM). ME: Great. Haldir, you have got to stop sucker punching him. The fan girls are going to riot. Haldir (looking down at Legolas, sprawled out on the floor) You'd think he'd see it coming, by now.
A/N:Thanks once again to everyone who read and reviewed! You guys are the best!
An Elf's Gotta Do What An Elf's Gotta Do
"Iam not doing this, Legolasthink of something else," Haldir said imperiously, looking down his nose at the contract on the desk before him, before pushing it back at Legolas.
"Welching on a bet, Haldir? I'd never have thought you the type to go back on your word" Legolas jibed, arcing an eyebrow at his friend, and pushing the contract right back.
"I've never welched on a bet in my life! But this is too much, Legolasthere has to be something else I can do, insteadwash your windowsspit shine your shoestake out a full page ad in the Times admitting that you're better than mec'mon, work with me here."
"Nopethis is it. It's for the cause, Haldir. The Foundation will get a percentage of every one sold."
"I'll give you a percentage of every dollar I make"
"You can do thatbut you'll do this, too."
"Why can't you do it?"
"I'm not an actor."
"Neither am I!"
"You're a modelclose enough."
"ARGH! You're exasperating! This is degrading, Legolas. I never would have thought you the type to take advantage of a friendly wager," Haldir said, picking up a pen.
"I'm not taking advantagewell, maybe I am - just a little," Legolas laughed, taking the signed document from his friend. "The shoot starts tomorrow at 6:00 a.m."
"Swell. Cough, cough. Oopsthink I may be coming down with something."
"Nice trybe there at six for make-up and costuming."
Haldir growled at his friend, and, tossing the pen down on the desk, stalked out of the room. Legolas chuckled softly to himself, as he put his feet up on the desk, his hands behind his head, leaning back in the big leather chair. "Thank Eru I never stopped practicingI'd hate to think of what he would have made me do!"
Word spread quickly throughout the house, and, not surprisingly, all the Elves cancelled their flights home in order to be present at the shoot the next morning at six. No way were they going to miss the former March Warden's humiliation.
Haldir spent the rest of the day in a foul mood. Avoiding him at all costs became the name of the game, although Elladan and Elrohir tempted fate because they couldn't resist a few gentle jabs at the big Elf.
"Haldirwhat's wrong? You've always liked treesit'll remind you of the Golden Wood," Elrohir laughed, ducking out of the way of Haldir's fist.
"Really, Haldiryou'll look so good in the costume, too!" Elladan guffawed, as he and his brother made a mad dash to safety, an irate Haldir hot on their heels. They made it to the bedroom, slamming the door shut just a nanosecond before Haldir's fist pounded it, putting a nice little dent in the oak.
"Temper, temper, March Warden" Elrohir's voice taunted from behind the door.
"You'll have to come out of there sooner or later, and when you do - I'll be waiting!" Haldir bellowed, giving the door another pounding.
Hearing the twins collapse into laughter within their room, Haldir snarled, and stomped off to his own room, where he remained for the rest of the night.
Haldirsat in the make-up artist's chair at six the following morning, while a hairdresser fussed with his silvery mane. Looking in the mirror, he cringed at what she was doing.
"Excuse methat is not how an Elf's braids should goI look like Pippi Longstocking!" Haldir growled, pointing to the two large braids sticking out of the sides of his head.
"The producer said to braid your hair."
"The producer is an idiot who should have been trampled by an Oliphaunt three thousand years ago."
"Haldir," Legolas laughed from the doorway, "Don't give the poor woman a hard time."
"Legolasyou will tell this woman what you meant by braiding my hair!"
"Milly," Legolas snickered, "perhaps we should let Haldir braid his own hair"
"He's not in the union"
"I have to be in a union to braid my own hair? Legolaswhere do you find these people?" Haldir roared, causing Milly to scramble from the room, panic-stricken.
"Very nice, Haldirthat hairdresser was one of the best in the business. Will you please just try to cooperate?" Legolas admonished, frowning.
"Get bent, Mirkwood Elfling! This entire deal is bad enough, but I will not allow you to mess with the hair!"
"Just braid it theneveryone is waiting on the set, and you still have to get into costume," Legolas ordered, walking out of the room, and closing the door. The can of hairspray that Haldir threw at him bounced harmless off the frame.
"NO!"Haldir bellowed, his voice echoing off the walls of the dressing room, where a couple of young men fought to get his costume fitted. "I will NOT wear this."
"You have to wear this - this is the costume! It's a jerkin" one of the young men said around a mouthful of straight pins.
"This is NOT a jerkinTHIS isa handkerchief! What kind of product are you trying to sell, anyway? The censors will never allow this to air on television!"
"Nonsensethis has always been the costume of our Elves" the other young man corrected, tugging slightly on the back of Haldir's costume. "Now, put on your shoes, and let's gothe crew is waiting to start the shoot."
"What shoes? We didn't wear shoeswe wore boots! These things look like something out of Aladdin!" Haldir yelled, holding the offending articles up by their pointy toes with two fingers.
"Geezjust once I'd like to work with someone who wasn't a prima donna" one young man said to the other as they walked out of the room, leaving Haldir sputtering behind them.
"Whereis he?" the director asked Legolas, drumming his fingers on the arm of his chair. "It's nearly eight o'clockif we don't start soon, I'll have to wind up paying the crew overtime!"
"He'll be right outhe's putting on his shoes," one of the dressers said to the director as the two young men walked over to the buffet table. The other Elves were standing at the buffet, picking over the muffins, bagels, and pastries that were set up for the crew.
Haldir appeared on the set, and the Elves at the buffet collapsed into fits of laughter. No wonderhe looked absolutely ridiculous. His hair was braided in the traditional Elven fashion, but it could hardly be seen under the tall red and yellow striped stocking cap plopped on his head. He wore a white shirt, under a red vest, under a green jacket, and a yellow tie. The jacket ended just below his waist, leaving his yellow tights exposed. The tights disappeared into the brown, curly toed slippers on his feet.
"Uh, ohwe're going to have to have him stand behind a table, or shoot him from the waist up," the director frowned, looking Haldir up and down. "The censors will NEVER allow that."
Of course, he was referring to the rather prominent bulge in Haldir's leggings, which the short coat did nothing to hide.
"I thought this was what ALL your Elves wore" Haldir said sarcastically, hands on his hips.
"All of our other Elves were animatednow get in the tree." the director shot back, used to working with difficult actors.
Grumbling, Haldir did as he was ordered, climbing into the plastic hollow tree, and standing out on the small balcony near the top of the trunk.
"Pick up the package, and say the line. And smile, for God's sake!" the director yelled. "Action!"
"Because they're made by Elves," Haldir said, holding up the package of Keebler fudge cookies.
"CUT! You - Elf guy'smile' means showing your teeth!" the director yelled. "Action!"
"Because they're made by Elves," Haldir said again, showing his teeth.
"CUT! What the hell was that? We're trying to sell these cookies to childrennot Freddy Krueger! Smile and look cutsie!" the director shouted at Haldir.
'I have been many things in my life, but cutsie has never been one of them!" Haldir bellowed right back.
"Haldir...you might as well just do it the way he wants itor we'll be here all night!" Legolas laughed from his place behind the director's chair. The other Elves held their hands over their mouths in a desperate attempt to stay quiet.
"Because they're made by Elves," Haldir said sweetly, actually managing to look a little like the Keebler Elves.
"Cut and print!" the director yelled. Turning to Legolas he said, "Please, do me a favorlet me stick to the animated Elves from now on!" He stomped away, leaving Legolas chuckling.
Haldir climbed down out of the tree, and cast a look at the other Elves that told them that if they spoke one single, solitary word to him, he would be guilty of genocide.
Arriving back at Legolas' house, the Elves went about the business of packing for their return flights home.
"I wanted to thank you for inviting us out hereit's been a blast!" Elrohir said to Legolas, standing in the hall with his luggage as the Elves waited for the cars that would take them to the airport.
"I'm the one who needs to thank youwithout you, the fundraiser would never have flown. We've raised enough money between the fundraiser and the contract with Keebler for the cookie commercial to start the educational program and scholarship program immediately!" Legolas said to his friends with a broad smile.
"Don't ever mention the words 'Keebler' or 'cookies' in my presence again!" Haldir grumbled, still not quite over the humiliation of having to play Ernie the Elf for the commercial shoot.
"A special thanks to you, my friend, both for doing the commercial, and for neglecting your archery skills!" Legolas laughed, hugging Haldir, receiving a small smile in return.
One by one, the Elves bid Legolas a fond farewell, each promising to keep in touch, as they piled into the cars that would take them to the airport.
It had been a great trip for them all, and one they would likely not soon forget.
As Haldir walked down the aisle of the plane to his seat, a small boy said to his mother, "Mom! Look - it's Haldir from the Lord of the Rings! He was the March Warden! He's my favorite!"
Haldir smiled to himself, thinking that it had, perhaps, been all worth while.