Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

Author's notes: This is a parody in response of that cliché many authors decide to write about. As usual, I don't follow the anime but the manga, because I prefer the original source. AU warning due to manga events that ended up in war and death so far and this is not like that. Also I'm using the Spanish translation rules for vamping, those who own the Norma edition shall know.

Special Thanks: Puck 3/4 for the edition.

Consequences of Heat

Alucard was watching, hidden in the shadows; waiting for the three women to awaken. This month had hosted the Killer Moon, a special date in which his so called 'mating' instincts would run rampant. In vampire terms, it heightened the bloodlust and appeared every now and then, unpredictably. Sometimes, he could hold his urges, at others, he was lost in the berserker state. The very first time he had experimented with such a thing, it had resulted in the turning of his infamous 'Three Sisters'; centuries later, it had overwhelmed him once more, and so he had attacked Mina and Lucy.

Alucard hoped his current assaults would be more productive.

The ladies stirred at the same time, dazed and confused about the events that had taken place hours ago. One of them, the shorthaired one, spoke first.

"Vhat the hell just happened? Ve came to a briefing, and then the lights vent out…"

"I don't know," her dark haired partner replied. Much to her evident relief, she still had her glasses. Alucard chuckled when her eyes widened as she realized she was only wearing her lenses "W-we ar-are…"

"Nude," the third one finished for her. Unlike the other two, who had started to panic, this one hid her horror well. "And that's not the only thing amiss," she pointed out as she gestured to her elongated canines.

"Nosferatu!" the shorthaired one exclaimed, leaping towards her. The other woman had calculated this possibility and dodged, rolling out of the way.

"Check your own mouth!" the defensive one ordered, her tone soaked in annoyance.

"Look… I-I have them as well… and so do you!" the Japanese stuttered, paling.

"Vhy? Oh Lord… ve're now abominations!"

"Enough with the self pity. We need to find the culprit and de-fang him." Her voice was so firm that it nearly brought a shiver down Alucard's spine: a delicious mix of pleasure and fear. At least they were coping better than he expected.

"This is vhy you shouldn't have kept that thing as a pet… Vhere is he now?"

"Hiding. He's like a teenage father, unable to accept the responsibility of having sired a child."

Alucard huffed; he thought of himself much like a predator who left his children in the wilderness for them to either become stronger or die. Pity that the latter happened more often than the former. Kids these days, no respect at their progenitor. The Master Vampire loomed closer; his advancing caused the hair on his fledgling's necks to rise.

"W-what's that?" the Asian one rubbed her forearms.

"Do you feel it too…? It's the lust merging inside us… Pity our 'father' isn't here with us to educate us when we need him."

"Vhat…? Indeed," she smirked, fang showing. "I crave for his presence too. I need him."

A change of heart? Alucard thought, trying to read their minds to find nothing. They were blocking him in purpose? However, he was an arrogant creature and would take his risks if only to spoil his new beautiful children. Appearing behind the dark skinned one, he leaned in on her ear. "I'm always ready to please my children, Master," he purred. Within a fraction of seconds three bullets pierced his groin.

"Good that you finally decide to join us, Alucard," Integral spun around, smoking Beretta in hand. "Save the explanation for later. Ladies, he's all yours."

"Ja, ve need him, don't ve, Yumi?" Heinkel licked her fangs, retrieving the Desert Eagles from the floor. Her Japanese companion already lost her glasses and found her katana. A bloodthirsty expression crossed her gentle features. Yumiko was indeed sleeping now, leaving her berserker personality to take over.

Maybe, leaving the weapons within their reach had not been his most brilliant tactic, Alucard thought as Yumi severed his head and tossed it to Heinkel. She 'fired' at the skull, throwing him in Integral's direction who did the same, sending the head flying towards Yumi. The Japanese nun returned it towards her partner with a jolt of her sword. Well... at least they aren't reluctant in attacking their prey.

As they played their version of volleyball with his head, Alucard wondered if Seras was faring better than he. Not that he could complain, the girls offered a spectacular sight of their bouncy breasts each time they passed the 'ball.'


"Watch where you aim that thing," Pip pointed out, tossing his braid aside as he smiled at the Paladin.

"Silence, heathen!" Anderson growled, his hands were trembling and holding a bayonet each. "I won't waste a holy knife in ye."

"I didn't mean that, mate. I was talkin' about your other impaling tool. The little one."

"Whit?" Anderson asked, clueless.

Seras Victoria frowned; she had enough of this bickering. After an hour, the battle of male egos turned from amusing to tiring. She hated the fact her Master had not taken the time to better explain this so called phase every Midian experienced once in a while. If she had been prepared, the Police Girl would have braced her instincts better. Instead, she ended up trapped in this mess.

"Captain!" Seras chided, smacking Pip on the back of his head. "Be nice…" Ye gods, she was defending Anderson! And a very nude one for the matter. She so needed to wash her eyes with soap after this.

"Roger, Mistress…"

"Don't call me like that!" Seras blushed furiously. She was too young to have children, let alone such troublemaking fledglings like Bernadette and Anderson.

"But that's what you are…" Pip stirred and leaned on her chest to her anger. She threw him daggers with her look. "Don't give me that look, I'm a baby in vampire terms and every new born needs…" The back of her hand connected to his cheek, sending him flying backwards.

"A smack. If they cry, they are healthy," Seras grinned, folding her arms. Her attention then drifted to Anderson, quick enough to duck the oncoming sword. "What it's your problem now?!"

"My problem? This is my problem, Draculina," Anderson said, showing his new eyeteeth. "Ye did this to me, lass! I'm a monster in the eyes of God!"

Seras rolled her eyes. Regardless of her reluctance, she patted Anderson's back; trying to be comforting at the same time she snagged the other bayonet out of his grasp. "There, there… You can cry on my shoulder," she offered honestly. In return, Anderson glared at the Police Girl. "No attacking me anymore," she commanded, not willing to take any chances with Alexander. He mumbled begrudgingly an agreement. "I told you it wasn't my fault, Anderson. It's a natural phase that all vampires must endure…"

"And why dinnea ye and yer Master endure it together?!"

"Because the purpose of reproduction would be in vain. We can only make other vampires of human hosts. Stop wailing about the subject already."

"I cannot understand why you turned him," Pip mused aloud, rubbing his wounded skull. Seras was grateful Pip's skull was too hard to break.

"I wasn't in control of my actions!" Seras replied defensively. "He lost control and tried to stab me… when I was… occupied…then all went to hell. Literally."

"Yup, I recall you were havin' the time of your unlife chewin' my neck," Pip brushed the healing punctures. "Not that I mind."

"I'm still surprised you didn't become a ghoul," Seras said, rubbing her chin with a wicked smile.

"I thought the virgin rule didn't apply to vampire birds."

"It doesn't, I was wondering how you could be strong willed enough to my standards," Seras remarked, "If the chastity rule applied, then your vampirism would have been assured, Captain." Pip decided to ignore her barb, Victoria felt better after wining an argument.

"Ehem, I beg your pardon for my intrusion, Miss Victoria," Walter's polite voice rang behind them. Seras turned her attention to her oldest 'groom.' He was fully dressed, carrying a tray of tea with one hand and holding fresh clothes on the other. "I thought you will grateful for this."

Seras sighed, relieved that the naked spectacle would not last much. Despite her shyness, Seras had to admit she had enjoyed the view. Particularly Walter. For an old man, the butler conserved himself better in several spots than the other younger men. He was like Jeremy Irons and Sean Connery, the older they got, the better.

"Miss Victoria?" Walter inquired. Seras realized she had been staring at him.

"Thank you," Victoria nodded and gestured to Anderson and Pip. "Hand them the clothes, please. Spare me the horror."

"Thanks, Walter but I'm afraid Mistress will shred them again" Pip said as he accepted the offered garbs.

"That was a side effect of my bloodlust! It's not like I violated you, Captain!" Seras pointed out, her cheeks were burning. She had only slashed them, no sexual intercourse involved.

"The trauma erased the memory from my mind," Pip claimed dramatically before sniffing the air. "That's not tea."

"Oh goodness, certainly it isn't," Walter lowered the tray on the coffee table, "Inside the pot there's hot blood. I gather everyone here is thirsty, after the activity." He side glanced Anderson who snarled in response. Seras was aware the Paladin would not easily forget Walter's intrusion when he tried to kill her. Their clash provoked mutual serious injuries and bleeding that awoke her instincts once more, resulting in their following change.

"That's very kind of you," Seras waited until Walter filled her cup to sip it. Not like Integral's but few things could compare the flavour of Hellsing's blood.

"I'm not drinking," Anderson scoffed. "That's against the Scriptures!"

"What about Thou Shall Not Kill, Alex?" Pip prodded, sitting next to Seras. "That's against them too."

"Look, Anderson," Seras elbowed Pip and attempted to be diplomatic. "If you don't, Master will mock you. You don't want that, do you?"

Anderson thought for a while and scowled, swallowing the content of his mug completely. Seras congratulated herself for another triumph.

"By the way, where's Master?" Seras inquired to Walter.

"He's in the hall. Sir Integra, Miss Takagi and Miss Heinkel had just finished playing with him when I came to offer clothes."

Pip chocked with his blood. "They were playin' among themselves with good, ol' Alucard and I missed it?" Seras could not help but feel jealous of Bernadette's attentions to other women.

It's just a side effect of siring. Nothing serious.

"It's not what you think, Captain Bernadette. They were playing some sort of volley ball set with his head until ran out of ammunition."

"Poor Master."

"Nyeheheheheheh! The devil deserved it!"

Seras was about to lecture Anderson when she heard the doorbell. "Who could it be?"

"Open the door Hellsing," Seras listened a male voice demanded. "I came to pick up Father Anderson and Sisters Heinkel and Takagi."

"It's Father Maxwell," Anderson gasped, lowering his gaze. "How can I explain this shame to him?"

Walter was on his way to the corridor when he paused. Seras expanded her senses, the door yanked open.

"Come in, Maxwell. I've been expecting you."

The Police Girl hiked a brow, what was Integral scheming?

"It was about ti- Good Lord, tell me those fangs are false… Sisters, you two are… Help!"

Seras winced, listening to the rattle that just began on the other room. A mix of moans and yelps coming from Enrico's throat. "I wouldn't worry about what Maxwell will say now, Anderson."

Walter nodded in agreement. "Apparently, I need to prepare another guest room. I'll be right back, Miss."

It passed a few minutes until the door was knocked. "Father Maxwell? Are you well?" Seras heard Father Renaldo asking.

"Make it two more, Walter!" Pip yelled after the steward.

Seras finished her blood and shook her head. Here we go again.