Weirdoes in Paradise
By Hysterical Woman
Disclaimer: The characters and settings depicted wherein were created by the Brothers Chap. The actual story was written by me. The characters and conception on the Isle of Pom were created by me as well, though you can borrow them with permission. If you want to use this story for MSTing purposes, please e-mail me at hysterical underscore woman at yahoo dot com.
Chapter 5: Words in the Sand
Though the lush scenery of the Isle of Pom rushed past them, Coach Z and Bubs didn't notice it. They were fascinated by the wonderful vehicle they were in. Mr. Mephisto of Faustus Records had sent a limousine to pick them up and take them to the party.
Bubs said to Coach Z, "Mephisto didn't spare any expense! This is one fine limo: black leather seats, full bar, stereo, DVD player…"
"And magic windows!" added Coach Z, playing with the power windows. Bubs sighed.
"Now remember: don't sign anything," Bubs said, "Now sign this."
"This is a marriage contract," Coach Z complained.
"Oops," said Bubs as he took another piece of paper out of his sash, "This says you're taking me on as your manager."
Coach Z carefully signed the paper. Bubs took the paper and looked over it. He looked at his friend's name, written in strangely perfect handwriting.
"How the heck do you pronounce this?" Bubs asked.
"Beats me," replied Coach Z.
The limousine with the two friends winded its way up a hill with a medieval castle on top. The castle clashed with its tropical surrounds. The castle was dark and forbidden, built for protection against blood thirsty warlords. It should not have been surrounded by palm trees.
The luxury car stopped at the battlement wall, waited for the gate to open, then drove into the courtyard. The chauffeur opened the door, letting Coach Z and Bubs out. They stared at the unadorned keep. Even though it was 80 degrees out, they felt cold.
"Time to go," Coach Z said weakly.
"Yeah," agreed Bubs, "Don't wanna be too fashionably late."
After deciding to go, they prepared to go, and finally they just went. Coach Z went up to the heavy wooden doors and pulled them open slowly. Unfortunately, the heavy doors weren't that heavy and opened quickly.
What he saw surprised him. Despite the chilly exterior, inside was a happening club with a DJ and a stage with dancing pom girls. The room was full of all sorts of people, both pom and human. They were all looking at Coach Z.
So he said "Coach Z is in de hooose!"
Everyone cheered as Coach Z strutted in with Bubs behind him. A pretty pom girl in a short orange vinyl dress guided them to a pair of comfortable if fuzzy chairs near the stage. As he sat down he was swarmed by excited people. They all worshipped him. Coach Z felt like the king of this castle.
The girl in the orange dress served Bubs and Coach Z elegant fizzy drinks. They laid back and enjoyed the music.
"This is the life," said Bubs.
The pom girls gushed over Coach Z. A particularly pretty one hung by his left arm.
"I just love you so much," she burbled, "You're so talented and handsome!"
"Thank you," he replied, "You're not bad too looking yourself."
"Oh, I'm so glad you said that," she cooed, "I had surgery so that I could love you as a woman."
Bubs spat out his drink.
"Wait," asked Coach Z, "what type of surgemery?"
Before she could answer, another young pom asked him a question.
"Excuse me, Coach Z?" he asked.
Coach Z turned to the young pom male who had asked him the question. He was a light, grey blue with black stars. He bounced from foot to foot nervously, and his bubble voice was almost squeaky. The poor kid looked so sad that Coach Z had to pity him.
"What is it, son?" Coach Z said kindly.
"Um, my name is Milo-Mipo," he said, "and I'm an aspiring rapper."
"What's your stage name?"
"I'm…the Pom Bomb. That isn't a very good name, is it?"
"I've heard worse."
"Anyway, I'd like to…I mean, may I challenge you to a freestyle rap contest?"
"Sure," Coach Z said, standing up to stretch, "I'd love to show the kiddies how it's done."
"Um, Coach Z," he said "I'd like to go first."
"Okay, knock yourself on."
Coach Z sat down and watched the shy young rapper get on stage. The DJ started the beat as the challenger took a moment to collect his thoughts. He then grabbed the mic and everything changed. Gone was the shy dork addressing his idol. Instead there was a confident performer shredding a washed out man. He threw out rhythms so fast they blurred in the air. Coach Z stared in horror. His hands shook to the beat this pom was laying. The Pom Bomb finished to a round of applause. It was now Coach Z's turn.
Coach Z took a swig of stereotype courage and got up on stage. He hadn't performed in front of a large audience in years. He felt doomed, but he couldn't back down now. He couldn't let some young punk take his title. The DJ started the beat again and Coach Z started his rap.
"Coach Z, coming' at ya like a green machine,
I gots rhymes for the times that are yet to be seen,
On the Isle of Pom ya know I'm famous like Elvis,
They bounce to the beat when I gyrate my pelvis,
So if you wanna test your skillz you know you're up against da masta,
My mind is always tighter and my style's always fasta,
So my Poms in the front my Poms in the back,
Come on an' bounce with me nowit's a Z attack!"
Everyone was getting into the rap. Coach Z continued.
"I got the mic back so stand back, now here I go,
I'm flowin where no man has ever flowed befo'
You got a mic that needs rockin? A party that's lame?
Who you gonna callcome on, you know my name!
I ain't bustin ghosts, I'm bustin rhymes;
Once you see me an' you hear me you can't get me off your minds,
Now we're lookin' for fun, so everybody follow me;
Freestylin'? Looks like a jorb for the Z!"
Thunderous applause shook the castle when Coach Z finished. Despite the Pom Bomb's talent, Coach Z was the fan favorite. He soaked in their love as his heart beated like his raps. His opponent seemed sad but still cheered. They raised a joyful din.
The din suddenly stopped when the real King of the Castle entered. It was Mr. Mephisto, CEO of Faustus Records and their gracious host. He was a tall, handsome man in a tailored black suit with a red shirt and a thin black tie. His features were so distinguished you could almost forget his horns and tail. He clapped slowly, arhythmically.
"I think we all know who won this contest," he said in a distinguished but untraceable accent.
He walked over to the stage, ignoring the people frozen in awe. He motioned to Coach Z. Coach Z in turn motioned to Bubs, who quietly put down his drink and walked over to them. Mr. Mephisto led them through the silent crowd. Before he left, he turned and clapped his hands. The party started again at his command.
He led the pair up a pair of dangerous spiraling medieval steps to his office. As they walked, he told them about the castle.
"This used to be a castle in some small hamlet in Scotland," Mr. Mephisto said, "I bought it and had it shipped piece by piece to this island. Of course, I destroyed the local economy by taking their tourist attraction, but what can you do?" He rubbed a manicured finger across the wall, and said, "Too bad all this humidity's destroying the old stonework. You should see my other house; it's this old hotel in California I fixed up."
They walked through a medieval hallway till they got to Mr.Mephisto's office.
"Step inside," said the record executive to the rapper and his manager. Coach Z and Bubs entered his office, and didn't come out for an hour.
Meanwhile, Marzipan had dragged Homestar off the beach to visit some cultural sites. They had visited the Royal Museum, the Royal Art Gallery, and every knickknack store Marzipan could find. They were now at the Pearicultural Museum and Model Farm learning about pearls and oysters. Marzipan read from the official guidebook, while Homestar tried not to fall asleep.
"Pearls are made of a substance called nacre, which consists of calcium carbonate and conchiolin," she read, "Pearls are not always white; some may be pink, yellow, blue, or even black like the Great Pom. Many fine pearls are available at the gift shop at reasonable prices."
"I'm bored!" complained Homestar.
"Why don't you watch the traditional pearl divers?" Marzipan suggested, gesturing with her guidebook at the scantily clad women on a dock, "But don't stare."
"Why can't we go to the beach?" Homestar asked.
"Homestar, there's a lot we can learn from these people," Marzipan explained.
"Like how they can spend all that time in sea water and still have great hair?" Homestar asked.
"That's a good question," said Marzipan, as she walked over to the pearl divers. Homestar sighed and followed her.
Unlike Homestar, Strong Sad was having a good time. He was in a gazebo at the palace playing board games with his newfound friend Ennui. It was great playing with someone who loved games like he did. At home, he could never find anyone to play him at board games. Homestar never understood the rules, The Cheat cheated, Marzipan didn't believe in competition, and Homsar was just too crazy. Most of the time he just played against himself. Now he wouldn't have to, now that he had a partner.
"I consider myself a Monopoly purist," he said as he moved his pieces onto Greenland, "I don't like all the spin-offs."
"I know some of them are lame," Ennui retorted as she shook the dice, "But you can't say all of them are bad. Also, I just invaded Greenland."
"Two-player Risk is rather pointless."
"Yeah. It reminds me of life."
Strong Sad took her hands into his and looked her in the eye.
"I know we just met," he said, "but I think I really like you. You make me feel bipolar."
"That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me," she replied.
The rest from the beach, including Coach Z and Bubs, saw the young lovers sitting in the gazebo as they returned to the palace. They walked over to them, interrupting the couple. Strong Sad and Ennui unlocked their hands and turned to the interlopers.
"Everyone, this is Ennui," Strong Sad said, "Ennui, this is, um, everyone."
"Hi," she said, "Bye. I got to get home for dinner. See you tomorrow, Strong Sad."
Ennui left the happy Strong Sad and his surprised friends. They looked at the normally gloomy Strong Sad whistle as he cleaned up the board game. Sure, he was whistling a gloomy Morrissey song, but he made it sound so cheerful.
Coach Z went up to Strong Sad and said, "That's a nice lady friend you got there."
"Yeah," said Strong Sad, "We have so much in common. We even take
the same anti-depressant."
"It figures, man," Strong bad complained to Strong Mad and The Cheat,
"Dumpus gets a girl and he plays board games instead of something, you know, interesting?"
Marzipan and Homestar, carrying shopping bags, walked up to the group. They both had found tons of ridiculous baubles with their collective lack of taste. Marzipan bought a shell-encrusted lamp, a snow globe with a tropical landscape, a parrot-shaped bottle opener, and a light-up hula girl. Homestar bought several oversized t-shirts with sexual innuendos he didn't understand. He was wearing one right now.
"I'm Big Johnson!" he said proudly.
"Isn't this lamp adorable? It reminds me of the shells I collected on the beach," Marzipan said, holding out the monstrosity.
"Could I talk to you a moment, Marzipan?" Strong Sad asked.
"Sure," she said as they exited the gazebo, "What do you want to talk about?"
Strong Sad took a deep breath. He held his hands out, as if to make a great gesture.
"Feelings…" he said slowly, as if he wanted to hold on to the words, "change."
"Yeah?' asked a confused Marzipan.
Strong Sad continued, "Sometimes we feel differently about a person after certain circumstances that are nobodies fault occur that make us feel differently about a person."
Marzipan replied, "You aren't making any sense."
"I have a crush on another girl," he confessed.
"I bet she's a nice girl."
Strong Sad added, "And I don't have a crush on you anymore."
"Oh," Marzipan said, "Was that really necessary?"
"I'm glad you understand," Strong Sad said as they joined the others.
Everyone else was listening to Bubs and Coach Z talk about meeting Mephisto. Mephisto had heard about Coach Z while honeymooning on the island with his child bride. He was intrigued by the unassuming old-school rapper who had gained the reserved pom people's respect and love. He wanted to offer a record deal to Coach Z. He also talked about extracting the popularity from him and creating a CD with which to rule the world, but that wasn't important. What was important was that Coach Z was going to be big.
When Marzipan and Strong Sad came over, Coach Z was getting to the part about how he specified no brown M&Ms in his contract. Strong Bad slide over to Marzipan.
"I heard what dumpus said. I can't believe he dumped you," he said.
"I didn't even know he had a crush on me," she replied.
"Duh!' said Strong Bad, "He like calls you ten times a day!"
"You call me a lot too," Marzipan noted.
"What!" Strong Bad cried, "I mean, that's the plumber cableman senator guy doing that."
Coach Z concluded, "So I'll start recording when thar done with the market ressarch and everything."
"I've got two famous friends!" Homestar declared, and then turned to Pom-Pom, "You've only got one!"
"Well, how would all my friends like a night on the town?" Pom-Pom asked.
Though it had been a long day, everyone agreed. They decided to meet up an hour later at seven. As everyone went off in their separate ways, Pom-Pom decided to walk around the garden. He meet his new enemy Pam-Pom. Pam-Pom looked like he lost a fight in the pits on a bad day. He looked strangely smug though. Pom-Pom decided before his brother could bubble a word that he wouldn't let anything said bother him. He greeted his brother.
"Good evening, Pam-Pom," he said generically.
"Good evening, your majesty," Pam-Pom replied just as blankly, "How was your day?"
Pom-Pom answered, "Oh, I had a great time with my unruly foreign friends. We're going out tonight and tomorrow we might go sailing."
Pam-Pom laughed, catching him off-guard.
Pam-Pom sneered, "You think that that's how it's going to be. You think you're going to live the rest of your life in carefree enjoyment."
"Yes, I plan to enjoy my own life."
"A Monarch doesn't have their own life. Your life is for the island."
Pom-Pom felt his happiness drain out of him. All the ancient bonds of his island were dragging him down. He lifted his defense back up.
Pom-Pom said to his brother, "I'm not a monarch yet."
"You will be soon," Pam-Pom replied.
Pom-Pom remembered the letter from his mother that brought him here. She had mentioned that Father wasn't doing very well. He had a hard time doing the simplest of tasks, and got tired very easily. She tried not to sound alarming, but Pom-Pom got the feeling that things were not right. Pom-Pom decided to visit his homeland after reading this letter. Though Pom-Pom had been treating this trip as just a bout of homesickness to be treated before going to his real home, the situation was much different. People say you can never go home, but he was home now. This was his real home now and he couldn't leave. His father was dying.
"So I'll be King. I'll still have my friend," Pom-Pom said.
"Yes, you can visit your friends in Free Country, with the full entourage and the press on your back. What will the press say about your friends? Already the papers are critically of their pranks. Will the people accept a monarch who is so friendly with outsiders?" Pam-Pom asked.
"I don't care about that now," Pom-Pom said in what he hoped to be a firm tone, "I'm going to be with my friends."
So he went with his friends to a local restaurant. The restaurant served local fare, some of it similar to the disastrous appetizer from the gala, but most of it was just good, hearty food. It was a slow, leisurely meal with tons of food and talking. Strong Sad told every one about Ennui, until they got tired of hear about her opinion on colored die and they ignored him as usual. When Pom-Pom asked for the check at the end of the meal, the waiter hesitated.
"You don't need to pay, your majesty. Having both the Crown Prince and the talented Coach Z dine here is payment enough," he said.
Coach Z stood up dramatically. "I've never gotten nothing free in my life," he said sternly, "So I'd like to start now," he added.
"I'll pay anyway, thank you," Pom-Pom said to the waiter.
He turned to everyone else.
"I want you to come with me to the Tower of Pomopolis," he said to them.
"Why?" asked Homestar.
"I used to go there as a kid, and I've got something to talk about."
He put some money on the table and left for the Tower of Pomopolis. The Tower of Pomopolis was where the Royal Treasures of Pom were held. It used to be a prison, before that a fortress, and perhaps it was a holy site in ancient times. The Tower consisted of a grey brick tower, some adjacent quarters built through the centuries, and an ugly museum built a decade ago. Along with the hereditary Head Pomkeeper, totem greenfish hawks lived on the estate. They didn't bother to fly away when Pom-Pom bounced over to the tower. He knocked on the door and an old male pom in uniform answered.
"Hello, Orange!" he said, "I'm glad you came to visit."
"Mr. Pomkeep, I wasn't expecting you to be guarding the Great Pom this late at night. Why don't you let a younger guard do that?"
"We've been even shorter handed as of late since one of the guards quit. Anyway, what else is an old widower like me to do every night?"
"Enough with the tea party!' complained Strong Bad, "Let us in!"
Mr. Pomkeep let the group into the tower. While the outside of the Tower was cold and forbidden, the inside was warm and welcoming. It was like a mix of museum and grandma's house. The walls were covered in blush peach brocade and white carpet covered the floors. The group filled the large circular sunken room. On the higher side of the room, in a glass case of a pedestal behind a window, was the Great Pom.
The Great Pom was a baseball sized black pearl, one of the finest in the world. It was used only in coronations when the Head Pomkeeper would give the pearl to the new monarch. Mar-Mar, the God of the Ocean, had created it, and the beautiful goddess Pomera gave it to her husband, the first King of Pom. They looked at it in awe.
"Holy crap, that's a big pearl!" cried Strong Bad.
"You could get a lot of money if you pawned it," noted Bubs.
"Beats the ball of almunium foil I have as a royal treasure," said the King of Town sadly.
Pom-Pom called them away from the Great Pom and drew the curtain dividing the room. He started to speak.
"I'm not going back to Free Country with you," he said, to everyone's surprise.
"Why?" asked Homestar, "Do you hate us?"
"No," he continued, "It's because I'm going to be king soon. My father is not long for this world and when he dies, I become the head of state. This is my new home."
"Then we'll move here!" Homestar answered.
"I was a thinking of getting a plarce here any ho," Coach Z said.
"The girls here are smoking hot," Strong Bad said, "I'm not leaving."
"I want to stay close to Ennui," said a lovesick Strong Sad.
"This place has great gardens and hair care products," Marzipan said.
"I'm lonely!" declared the KOT.
"You don't mind the tabloids saying bad stuff about you?" asked Pom-Pom.
"Let's see them try to mess with me," answered Strong Bad.
"If they love you, they'll love us," Homestar Runner told him.
Pom-Pom felt his heart swell with happiness. Why had he been so worried when the solution was so simple? Everything would be all right perfect happy. The future was shinning bright.
And then the lights went out.
Next Chapter: Crazy-Go-Nuts
Apology: I'm sorry it took so long to publish this. I'd like to say it was because I was busy doing more important things, but that would be a lie. I'm sorry. I'll work on the next chapter over spring break.
Rap: Mad props to notstrongbad from the HR wiki forum for both the rap and Milo-Mipo's stage name. If you hate the rap, complain to him.
Feelings Change: A guy once felt it necessary to tell me he didn't have a crush on me anymore, but had a crush on another person. I didn't even know he had a crush on me. I dedicate this scene to him.
Pomkeep: Yes, that is Ennui's last name and, no, that isn't a coicidence.
What happens next: Only Gd and I know that.