Author's Note: Ummmm... Sorry. I hated on mpreg/slash, so clearly femmeslash had it coming too. I'd appologize or something, but... if you were easily offended, would you be reading this?
No individual review comments cause I'm a lazy bitch. But I love you guys! Thanks for reading this. Even though it's kinda terrible. Heh heh heh...
This fine day, the author was sad. So sad that she had resorted to eating gallons of ice cream while watching tear inducing chick flicks. In fact, she hadn't even showered in a while and hadn't seen the sun in a couple of days. Stapling blankets up around your windows could do that.
Needless to say, she wasn't really feeling much better. She was just feeling smelly, fat and like she was gonna start turning albino soon. And all because she didn't get enough reviews. Well, it was time to make some changes.
No, not changes that made sense. Like showering. Going outside. Eating better. Tch, where would ideas like that come from?
Instead, she was going to get more reviews. And she had a perfectly brilliant idea of how to do so.
She was going to find an incredible lezzie pairing to hook both the guys that couldn't get any and the girls that would feel bad for a misunderstood couple that was so obviously hinted at in the manga/anime/fanart/fanficion.
Right, to get down to business.
The usual suspects were hanging out in the Feudal Era, just chilling, eating ramen, gossiping. The usual. It would almost seem weird that they had all this free time, but then again, didn't most of the anime episodes start with them just hanging out, possibly discussing some nearby youkai threat, but doing nothing about it?
Yeah, for people who lived in a warring time and were trying to kill pretty much the most powerful demon of all time, they spent a lot of time relaxing.
"Excuse me, most powerful demon? That little son of a bitch has NOTHING on me."
Sesshoumaru's a little touchy about things like that.
But we had to get back to the plot quickly before readers were discouraged and went to go read an Ayame/Kikyou fic or something like that.
"Hey, Sango, could you pass the poky?" Miroku asked surprisingly innocently.
"Of course." Sango reached for the poky, making the mistake of turning and exposing her ghetto booty. Seriously, her ass must be amazing or Miroku wouldn't risk all his concussions just to cop a feel. Characteristically, Miroku copped a feel.
Even more characteristically, Sango slammed him over the head with her Hiraikotsu. The author was pleased that everyone was so IC thus far.
But, this time, Miroku just couldn't take being hit anymore. In fact, his fuse was so short that he was going to explode. Not literally cause that would be kinda gross, but metaphorically. Seriously, he was a hot piece of ass and was starting to get really frustrated that this girl kept turning him down. It was definitely not good for the ego.
"Alright, Sango, that's it," he yelled in a very uncharacteristic, angry, furious, yelling sort of way. "You can't hate me that much. In fact, when's the last time you were with a man?"
"Miroku, we're trying to kill Naraku," the under attack girl stated, trying to defend herself with something stupid like, y'know, reason. "There's not much time for-"
"BS!" Miroku screamed. "BS BS BS BS BS! What are we doing now? Just chilling. Why do you never touch guys? HUH? You hate us! I bet you're a great big LESBIAN!"
She blinked, about to say something like, "Ok, I think you're jumping to conclusions" when a funny wind began blowing and her cue cards went flying only to be replaced by ones written with terrible handwriting and even worse spelling and grammar. The wind stopped and, mesmerized, Sango began to read them.
"Look around awkwardly... Oh, I get it. Stage directions. Alright, let's try this again."
She looked around awkwardly, half chucking in the awkward silence that followed. "Miroku, why would you say something like that? I probably just haven't gotten my hormones yet. Yeah, that's it. Hormones." She chuckled awkwardly again, doing the whole shifty eyes business and hoping that someone nice, like Kagome, would cover for her.
InuYasha and Miroku started nodding knowingly, assuming that that was a perfectly good excuse. After all, there were lots of girls that had an FFF bra-size that had no hormones. This was anime after all! You got boobs at age 13! If only that happened in real life. Man, I would have been HOTT. With two T's for emphasis.
However, the story had to be longer so there needed to be some soap opera style drama. So rather than have that episode blow over, Kagome decided that an intervention was necessary.
"I'm sorry Sango, but I can't keep lying any longer."
Sango blinked, confused again before glancing over at the new cue cards. Her eyes widened as she suddenly realized what was going to happen. She was about to protest when the sky turned black and lightening flashed above their heads.
"Do not anger the cue card gods, girl! You do not know the limits of our wrath!"
She began nodding fervently before realizing that most badfic readers wouldn't know what fervently meant and began nodding very very quickly and passionately instead. Just as quickly as that weird weather thing had begun, the clouds turned pink and faded away in a very nice manner and the sun came back. Birds chirped. Flowers smelled pretty. No one thought the temporary weather change was weird at all.
"That's right, Kagome. I can't lie any longer either."
The others looked around in a very confused sort of manner. "Nani?"
Kagome dramatically threw a hand across her forehead and began fighting back tears. Her eyelashes ganged together and linked, uh, eyelash mites (they really do exists, people) to make a slick little wall so that the tears wouldn't be able to get out no matter how hard they tried.
"Sango and I are in love! We have hot lesbian sex each time we take a bath together!"
The guys blinked, looked at their respective cue cards.
"What? We're supposed to be pissed?"
"FUCK NO! This is just what I want!"
The disembodied voice of the cue card gods appeared again. "No you don't! You must be cruel and not understand their secret love! This is the Feudal Era, bitches! People aren't going to accept homosexuality in the 21st Century! Why would they accept it now?"
The two guys, hanyou and houshi alike thought for a second, then nodded.
"We can no longer accept you."
"Get the fuck outta here."
"Yeah, what he said, you whores."
"Yeah! Yeah! You're stupid!" Shippou interjected because he had the sneaking suspicion that people were forgetting that he was an avid member of the InuGang.
Sango and Kagome made sad faces by pouting and, heads hung in rejection, walked away. They weren't really sure where they were going, but they were walking away from the jerks that had just shunned them. Unfortunately, they also weren't looking where they were going so they accidentally stepped on Shippou and Kirara just to remind people that sometimes they were there and sometimes they got in the way too.
"Oh no! Wait, Kirara, you should come with us just incase we need to travel a lot of ground! Besides, you're cute."
"Yeah, and we need to get a head start on the whole "crazy cat lady" thing."
"Oh, for sure."
So Kirara joined the two suddenly lesbian characters on an epic travel across Feudal Japan. There were, naturally, several erotic sex scenes throughout the quest because when there's no plot, the readers need to stay for some reason. Until the author found a plot. If that would ever happen.
"Maybe we should find some more people like us and start a secret colony where we're understood and can live freely and happily," Kagome said one day, taking Sango's hand dramatically into her own and gazing lovingly into her eyes.
"Oh, that'd be tight! We could be like those chicks on Lesbos back in the Greek time," Sango said happily. "Did you know that that's where the word lesbian comes from? Pretty cool, huh?"
"Sango, I'm not here to get a history lesson from you." Rolling her eyes, Kagome finished with a simple, "I'm not the token smart character after all."
"Oh yeah... That was Miroku." Sango's eyes watered up before she remembered her role as the token dominatrix/butch lesbian and that she didn't really love him after all.
"You know," Kagome said, reading the cue cards that described Sango's previous revelation. "We could use a token dominatrix/butch lesbian. After all, I'm the girly one and you're the man hater. We sure are missing out on a lot of stereotypical girls."
Right on cue, Kagura appeared. Just like that. It was kinda an all around awkward situation because she had her Sesshoumaru and Naraku action figures in hand (see chapter, uh, Kouga/Kagura for back story) and looked very confused.
"Ok, now this is kinda weird..." She blinked upon seeing the cue cards and instantly went crazy. "WHAT? Throw away my action figures? Ok, first of all, they're action figures, not dolls. And secondly, although every word I speak seems to be dripping with sexual tension and a sultry tone, girls have two things that I'm not used to and don't have something that I really like."
She took a deep breath, continuing on her rant despite Kagome and Sango waving their hands rapidly, trying to get her to shut up before the cue card gods were angered. But Kagura's a tough cookie and wasn't going to stop halfway through her rant.
"Seriously," she continued, yelling, of course. Even though constant yelling is annoying and sometimes it's scarier to be quiet and glare. "If you'd ever been with Sesshoumaru, girls wouldn't interest you in the least. Let's put it this way, he's the Lord of the Western Lands. Bitch."
Kagome blinked seeing as there's no other way to express confusion. "I've been with Sesshoumaru. And he's kinda a disappointment. He doesn't like doing his nails, gets really touchy when all you want to do is brush his hair and is no help with applying make up."
"Girl, what are you talking about?" Sango asked.
"She said she's been with Sesshoumaru. Like hanging out. Duh. Girls rule, boys drool."
The wind witch let out a long sigh and began rubbing her temples. Did the token ditzy characters really have to be this naive?
The sky darkened as an angry voice filled the air. "Yes! Now return to the plot!"
Kagura decided to let Kagome's naivety slide. After all, there were only so many ways that one could explain sex, fucking, fornication, sexual intercourse, doing the deed, the horizontal tango, getting it on, and getting laid. She wasn't sure if Kagome would get any of it.
"So let me get this straight." She let out a long sigh, eyeing the cue cards apprehensively. "I'm a lesbian and I want to have a sexy threesome with you? And then scour Japan for the rest of us while castrating men cause 'omg theyre stooooooooooooopid'?"
The two nodded.
"Seems about right."
"Oh, wait, you're also supposed to be the dominatrix/butch one, but you're not our leader."
"Hell nah. That'd make too much sense."
"After all, what's a better leader than a dominatrix/butch lezzie?"
"Um... I dunno, what is?"
"Obviously the ditzy one that giggles a lot and has experience from the modern era."
"Please, like lesbian sex hasn't been around forever."
Kagura suddenly got really confused cause she had no idea who was talking anymore. She began jumping up and down, waving her hands around and trying to get their attention. "HOLD IT, GIRLS!"
Finally the two stopped their intellectual debate. Kagome folded up her glasses and tucked them into her backpack while Sango changed out of her business suit and then got really curious about how her demon slayer outfit managed to be hidden under it. And why she was wearing it all of a sudden.
"Cause it's SECKSAY!"
Yup, the cue card gods again.
"Oh, and by the way, Kagura, Kikyou's coming. She's gonna fire a Sacred Arrow at you. Your tops coming off. Instead of killing each other, you have passionate sex."
Kagura blinked again, looking up at the sky where the disembodied voice was coming from. "But... Ok, so, fine, I hate Kikyou, but... wouldn't her Sacred Arrow kinda, I dunno, make a giant hole in me?"
"Yeah, but since you don't have a heart, you just heal right away."
"... That was actually the smartest thing you've said throughout this whole chapter."
"Fo' sho'. I watch the anime."
"Do you read the manga?"
There was an awkward silence. If the disembodied voice had a body - or at least eyes - it would be doing that shifty eye business that people do when they lie. "Yeeesss..."
"Then you'd know that I die practically in Sesshoumaru's arms!" Kagura's eyes filled up with tears and she began throwing a tantrum like a two year old. Which she kinda was. Except in a banging body. "I want my Sesshoumaru!"
Her agony seemed to bring the others to their senses in a way. Instantly, Kagome and Sango realized that, wait a minute, they kinda like some boys. Or boiz like how Avril would spell it.
So they all started crying. It was sad. The cue card gods began fumbling with the cue cards in an attempt to get things back on track.
"This is all wrong! All wrong! You're supposed to be mid-orgasm right now! Why isn't there a nipple in your teeth? AAAARRRGHHH! Fine! Skipping forward to chapter 21!"
Suddenly, Ayame appeared. For some reason, she was chewing bubble gum. Probably cause it was seductive in a flirty, thirteen year old girl sort of way.
"Hey, ho!" She giggled, tossing a ponytail over her shoulder. Good thing she was hot. And chipper enough to melt even the straightest of hearts.
"Wait, why didn't I get to be a sexy lesbian?"
"Because, Kaede, you're gross. And wrinkly."
"Please, girl, I still got it."