Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise from The Mediator
For Your Love
I stood outside my bedroom, almost afraid to go in. The door was shut in front of me. I stared at it; the only barrier between me and what was probably going to end up being the last time I ever saw Jesse. I didn't know if I could go in. He was probably already there, waiting for me. He probably just wanted to get it over and done with.
"Suze?" I turned and saw that David had paused before going into his own room. He was looking at me, concerned. "Are you okay?"
I guess he hadn't come across too many sixteen-year-old girls who were afraid to go into their own bedrooms. Yeah, well, welcome to my life David.
I forced a smile. "I'm fine. I'm just, uh… never mind."
David shrugged and walked into his room. Well it was okay for him, wasn't it? He could go into his room without having to worry that his ghostly boyfriend – I mean girlfriend – was in there, waiting to break up with him. Lucky kid.
I looked back at the door. Jesse would have heard David talking to me just then. It was now or never.
As I walked into my room Jesse got up from where he was sitting on the window seat. My heart skipped a beat. This was it. He was going to give me the official reason as to why he suddenly stopped coming to see me a few days ago. One look at his face told me all I needed to know: the reason was not good.
I mean, I had known what was coming the second it clicked that Jesse was avoiding me. But at least I still had hope then, you know? Now what did I have? A reluctant promise from him when we accidentally met in Father Dom's office that we'd 'talk later'. Oh and a really sad look on his face. Not really a great way of letting me know that everything is okay between us, if you ask me.
"Susannah," he said, staring at me sadly, "I have to talk to you about something."
My heart sank. He was actually going to do it. He was going to break up with me once and for all. I could so tell. God, I was already on the verge of tears from just one sentence! Way to go, Jesse.
I somehow forced myself to remain calm and walked across the room to the window seat. We both sat down. "Go on," I said quietly.
I didn't want him to say anything. I wished he… oh, I don't know. There was nothing he could do to make this seem right.
"I…" Jesse looked down at the floor.
See Jesse? I thought. You can't do it. You don't want to break up with me. So don't. Just forget about it.
"This is wrong, Susannah, I can't let it go on any longer."
"W- what?" I stuttered. I stared at him. How could he say that? That us being together was wrong? It was like Madam Zara said that time: Jesse was my one true love. I don't care how corny that sounds. He was the only right thing that was ever going to happen to me, and I knew it. And now he was taking that away from me. How could he?
Jesse looked heart broken from his own words, "We both know that you need to be with someone alive."I didn't though! What I needed was him! No one else, just Jesse…
"Jesse, I told you! I don't care about that," I told him in a pathetically desperate attempt to change his mind. I just felt that I had to try and make him see that we had to be together. Our relationship wasn't wrong. It just couldn't be.
Jesse still didn't look at me. "I know that," he said, "But it doesn't change anything. This is not going to work."
I remember Father Dominic telling me not to cry in front of Jesse. But how was I supposed to stop myself then? I was completely heart broken. I loved Jesse, and he was leaving me. I was going to be alone. Completely alone. For the rest of my life. Because this time when he left it was going to be for good.
What was I going to do?
Suddenly I couldn't stop myself any longer. The tears just came flooding out. Jesse finally looked at me. He seemed even more upset to see me crying. I could see in his face that he wanted to do something about it, but he felt he couldn't. I wanted to scream at him that he was wrong. He could take back everything he had just said.
But he wouldn't. I knew it.
I stood up and walked over to my bed, where I collapsed and stared up at the ceiling.
"Susannah," Jesse said, his voice full of pain, "you know this is for the best."
I shook my head and whispered, "It can't be Jesse. I love you. I don't want to be with anybody else but you."
Jesse didn't say anything and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I shouldn't have said that. There was no way Jesse was going to change his mind, and I was just making it worse. I couldn't help it, though. How was I supposed to live without Jesse?
"Susannah," Jesse said again.
I forced myself to look up at him. I couldn't see him properly anymore because of the tears that were clouding my eyes but I could tell from his voice that he was as miserable as I was. "I'm so sorry," he said.
I stayed silent. Well not silent because by this point I was making little sobbing noises, but I didn't say anything. I just shut my eyes in a useless attempt to stop the tears. And when I opened them he was gone.
And he wasn't coming back.
The room suddenly felt strangely empty. Was I ever going to see him again? What if he moved on? I hadn't even said goodbye. After everything we'd been through that was it. No goodbye or anything. And I'd never see him again.
"Jesse," I whispered as more tears escaped from my eyes. I turned over and buried my face in my pillow. "Jesse, come back. Please come back."
It sounded pathetic, but I felt as though I needed him. And I suppose in a way it was true. Jesse had saved my life so many times. Whether I deserved it or not he'd always been there for me. I loved him so much. And now he was gone.
I stayed in my room all night. I didn't go down for dinner or anything. My mum came up to see what was wrong. She was upset that I wouldn't tell her, but what could I do? I couldn't tell her about Jesse. I think we all know where I'd end up if I told her that. So instead I just sobbed on to her shoulder and told her I didn't want to talk about it.
Andy brought up some food for me and my mum left with him. I ignored the tray he'd left next to my bed and lay down again. How could I even think about eating at a time like this? Ugh! Did Jesse realise what he had done to me? If he really loved me he wouldn't leave because it was 'for the best'. He'd stay. And together we'd find a way for our love to work.
I'd wait for him, I decided. He'd come back. He had to.
A/N: I decided to edit this chapter since I didn't like it much before. Hope you like it!