DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of its characters. Also, the Angus "Choke The Life Out Of Your Heart" Burger is property of Burger King, though it's an idea they stole from Hardee's. As for me, I eat Chicken McNuggets, which all.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the purpose of comedy, some characters may be OOC (out-of-character). Those who have read Funny Sessions and Funnier Sessions already know the drill. So in the words of Will Smith... "Let's get this party started!"
NOTE TO STAFF: Yes, there are a few very small script format parts in here. Like the last story, 95 of the fic is in paragraph format. Don't you dare delete this.
Inspirational music played as a well-dressed man with shiny black hair walked onto the stage of an auditorium, victoriously pumping his fists.
"Way to go!" shouted the man."Way to go!" mimicked the crowd of over five thousand people.
"Way to go!" shouted the man again, running up to the center of the stage.
"Way to go!" mimicked the crowd a second time. The man stopped to take in the crowd's vigorous applause. Then, he began to speak."If you eat, you're on a diet," said the man. "If you're on a diet, you're eating. You're eating when you're on a diet, and you're dieting when you eat. A diet is what you eat, and you eat what you diet when you're on a diet when you eat. On the Angus Diet, you eat the Angus. You eat the Angus when you're on the Angus Diet. When you're on the Angus Diet, which is what you eat, you eat the Angus, which is what you eat when you're on the Angus Diet."
The crowd chanted louder with every word the man spoke, though none of them could really understand a word of what the man was saying.
"I'm Dr. Angus, and according to my diet, if it feels good, do it! Do what feels good!" the man shouted.
"Yes!" repeated the crowd. The man took a large hamburger out of his pocket and held it up for the crowd, who stood up and began bowing to the burger, worshipping it as if it was some omnipotent hamburger deity.
"RESPECT THE ANGUS, RESPECT THE KING!" shouted the man. "Mwahahaha! Mwahaha!"
The crowd continued to chant and worship the greasy burger, oblivious to the man's insane evil laughing.
Session 53: Die With A 'T'
Meanwhile, in a huge mansion in the middle of Bebop City, the largest town on Mars and the home of our beloved bounty hunting couple Andy and Faye, morning was just about to begin.
When the moon... is in the second house...
'Age of Aquarius' blared on a small clock radio, signaling the beginning of the day for Andy and Faye's oldest child. She was 12 years old, and extremely intelligent and cunning for her age. She was just over five feet tall, and had a figure nearly identical to her mother's, save for, of course, Faye's 'enhanced' chest, something the 12-year-old hadn't even begun to develop. She had short hair in a style that also resembled Faye's, except instead of the dark violet hair that her mother possessed, the girl's hair was far lighter. She stood up and casually swatted at the alarm clock to turn off the music, missing it entirely. The music continued to play as the girl removed her nightgown, put on a pink sweater and blue jeans, then walked into the bathroom and began brushing her teeth. Just a minute later, a very angry boy was standing at the door."Alice, turn off your stupid radio!" shouted the boy, who stood just a little bit shorter than Alice and was younger by fifteen months. "It woke me up!"
"Too bad, squirt," Alice said, spitting toothpaste into the bathroom sink and wiping her lips with a towel. "My advice to you is to invest in some earmuffs."
"Very funny, jerkface," said the boy, whose dirty-blonde hair was identical in tone to his father, Andy's. While Alice, Andy and Faye's oldest daughter, bore a name that cleverly alluded to Faye's past alias of 'Poker Alice', their second child and oldest son had a far less creative name, Andy Jr.
Alice walked past Andy Jr, down the stairs and crossing through a large foyer to reach the dining room, where breakfast had already begun for the Oniyate family. Seated at the table were Andy, Faye, and their five other kids, who had already awoken from their slumber and were just now beginning to have breakfast. In descending order of age was Mellie, a nine-year-old girl with long blonde hair that went down to just past her shoulders. Next was Cyrus, an eight-year-old boy who wore his dark violet hair spiked up in the style of Cloud Strife, an RPG hero of yore. Andy and Faye's fifth child was another boy, Jim, a six-year-old, who looked nearly exactly like his father, save for his mother's piercing green eyes. Andy and Faye's youngest daughter was a precocious five-year old with pink, yes, pink hair, a mystery even to her parents, thus, her name was Mystery (which she'd later regret after some of her school chums dug up an old VHS tape of Spongebob Squarepants, where the title character acquired a seahorse with the exact same name... go figure). Finally, there was a small three-year-old who looked like a toddler version of Spike, thus, he received the name Chibi Spikuu! (exclamation mark included) in a fit of fangirlish craziness from Faye.
Alice sat down at the table and immediately noticed something peculiar about what Andy, Faye, and her siblings were eating.
"Are you guys eating... hamburgers for breakfast?" Alice asked, looking down at her own plate, on which sat a paper bag bearing the Burger King logo.
"We're on the Angus Diet!" said Faye, snarfing down the juicy burger without a second thought. "It's the best diet!""And why is that?" asked Alice.
"It's the newest," replied Andy, taking a large bite out of his Angus Burger. "Duh."
A few seconds later, Andy Jr. walked into the room, a pouty look on his face.
"Mom, Dad, Alice's radio woke me... is that a Burger King bag? Cool!"Andy Jr. ran over to the table and began eating his burger, much to Alice's chagrin.
"These Angus Burgers are good, but... mom used to take a lot of pride in keeping her figure, and she'd never eat one of these things for breakfast!"said Alice, looking down at the Burger King sack placed in front of her.
"Aren't you gonna eat your burger, Alice?" asked Cyrus, reaching over to Alice's side of the large, circular table in the middle of the Oniyate's dining room. "Or can I have it?"
"No, you can't have it," said Alice, taking the Angus Burger out of the bag and looking at it with suspicion.
"I'm going to go get another burger," said Faye, pointing into the kitchen. On the counter were nearly fifty Burger King sacks, each of them containing a delicious Angus Burger. "I'll be right back."
But as Faye began to walk to the kitchen, she clutched her chest and cried out in pain.
"Ow!" shouted Faye as she fell to one knee. "My chest..."
"What's wrong?" asked Mystery. Andy got up from the table and went quickly to his wife's side.
"Maybe you should lie down," said Andy.
"Or maybe... I should have another delicious Angus Burger!" Faye said, immediately recovering and running into the kitchen. Andy followed her, and together, the two began eating Angus Burgers like Kobiyashi on crack, snarfing them down at an incredible pace.
"That seriously can't be good for you..."thought Alice, getting up from the table. "I've gotta check this Angus Diet thing out..."
Alice ran up to her room and logged onto her computer, entering 'Angus Diet' into a search engine. She was immediately bombarded with hundreds of links for sites preaching the blessings of the Angus Diet, as well as a link to the site of 'Angus the Wangus, Porn Star Extraordinare'. Ignoring the porn link, Alice clicked the first diet-related link she saw. A small hologram of a man appeared in front of the screen, victoriously pumping his fists. Inspirational music began to play.
"I'm Dr. Angus, and if it feels good, do it!" Dr. Angus said. "When you're on a diet, you eat. When you eat, you're on a diet. A diet is what you eat."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know..." Alice said in an annoyed tone.
"When you're on the Angus diet, you eat the Angus. It's the best diet, because it's the newest! I know, because I just invented it!"
"Good for you," Alice said sarcastically. She clicked off of the link and began rubbing her temple. "This isn't getting me anywhere..."
Suddenly, Mellie and Jim entered the room.
"Alice, mom and dad are going to the big Angus Diet Convention tonight," said Mellie. "That means we're going to have a babysitter.""Mom and dad just wanted us to tell you, okay?" asked Jim. "And, um... can I have your Angus Burger? You left it on the table, and-""Yeah, whatever, knock yourselves out," sighed Alice, her head slumping against the computer screen. "This Dr. Angus is bad news... I just gotta find out what he's up to!"
O-O-OThat night, Andy and Faye were getting ready to go to the convention. Their children, including Alice, had all assembled at the door to greet them.
"Well, kids, we'll see you later..." said Faye, waving goodbye to her children. Andy kissed Faye on the cheek before waving goodbye to them as well.
"We'll be sure to bring you back some Angus Burgers when we're done!" said Andy. "Remember, respect the Angus, respect the King! Oh, and respect the babysitter, too."
The babysitter, a 16-year-old boy who looked like a reject from a metal band, was sitting on the couch, thumbing through a guitar magazine. He looked disinterested and possibly stoned, hardly a suitable babysitter for seven rambunctious children.
"Yo," said the boy, before retreating back into the pages of his magazine.
"Have fun!" said Faye as she slowly shut the front door. As soon as they had left, Alice ran up to her room and shut the door, determined to find out what Dr. Angus was really up to. She left the TV on and began to once again surf the web for any clues she could possibly use.
"Let's see here.... the Angus Burger contains over 5,000 calories... what kind of good diet revolves around a food like that?" Alice said quietly to herself. "My parents already bought his dumb 5,000 wulong book... and his stupid 30,000 wulong tape set... and the 50,000 wulong Dr. Angus Angus Counting Machine... and let's not forget that 15,000 wulong Sweatin' To The Angus program."
BIGSHOT- The Show For Bounty Hunters
"Huh?" said Alice, gazing over at her TV screen. "Ever since my mom and dad went on that stupid Angus Diet, they haven't even gone after any bountyheads..."
Paunch and Judy, now showing signs of middle age after 15 years back on the air, appeared on the screen and began to speak.
Paunch: Well, Judy, there's one heck of a bounty today, isn't there?
Judy: There sure is, Paunch! In fact, he's wanted on five different planets!
The picture of a man who looked EXACTLY like Dr. Angus, except much older and with white hair, appeared on the screen.
Paunch: Sitchard Rimmanz is wanted for impersonating a doctor and giving faulty medical advice!
Judy: So faulty, in fact, that it's led to the deaths of over five hundred people, most of them suffering heart attacks sustained from eating fatty foods he's recommended in so-called 'diets'! How horrible!
Paunch: Speaking of diets and fatty foods, have you tried the Angus Diet yet, Judy? takes a big bite out of an Angus BurgerJudy: Of course I have! In fact, I'm on it right now! also eating an Angus Burger It's the best diet because it's the newest!
Paunch: Exactly! clutches his chest in pain Ow! My heart!
Alice switched off the TV."That dirty jerk Dr. Angus is actually Sitchard Rimmanz, the false doctor... diet thingy... guy!" shouted Alice. "Boy, I've really gotta work on the way I state my deductions. Sherlock Holmes, I am not. Well, at any rate... I've gotta stop him!"
Alice began to open the door, but as soon as she did, she realized something.
"How am I supposed to get out of here?" Alice said to herself. "That babysitter might be an inattentive stoner, but there's no way in hell he's gonna let me leave, especially if my parents are paying him at their normal rate of 10,000 wulongs an hour. I've got a real dilemma on my-"
"Alice, Alice, looky looky!" shouted Chibi Spikuu!, running up to his older sister and jumping up and down. "Mellie wants you to see something in her room! Looky looky!"
As Chibi Spikuu! dashed off, Alice followed him all the way to Mellie's room. There, Mellie and Andy Jr. were standing next to a large toy chest.
"Okay, Mellie, what is it you wanna show us?" asked Andy Jr., impatiently tapping his foot.
"This is really cool, you guys," Mellie said, opening up the chest. "Check it out."
The toy chest opened. Inside was the 16-year-old babysitter, his hands tightly tied behind his back with jumprope. He looked scared and confused. Alice and Andy Jr. began to laugh.
"Well, that takes care of that problem," said Alice, smiling as she walked out of the room.
"Where are you going?" asked Andy Jr.
"I'm going to save mom and dad from a vicious criminal and win some bounty money in the process," said Alice.
"Again?" asked Andy Jr., revealing that his sister had obviously gone after bountyheads before.
"Yeah," said Alice, "but you can't come with me this time. Remember what happened the last time you decided to come with me?"Andy Jr. thought for a minute. Then with a frown on his face, he nodded.
"My teacher STILL hasn't spoken to me," said Andy Jr. "Just bring mom and dad back safe, okay?"
"I always do," said Alice, smiling as she exited the room. "I always do."
After retrieving a can of silly string and a large Nerf ball gun from her room, Alice left the house and hopped onto her bicycle, a large, pink twenty-speed that she used to travel everywhere she went. She knew the roads of the city well, and knew exactly how to get to the Bebop Convention Center, where 'Dr. Angus' was holding his latest convention.
"Dr. Angus, or should I say Sitchard Rimmanz... your days of inventing dangerous and lame commercialized diets are over!" Alice declared, frantically pedaling to the convention center.
Meanwhile, backstage at the convention center...
"You're about to go on in five minutes, Dr. Angus," said a stagehand inside Dr. Angus' dressing room.
"Alrighty," said Dr. Angus, assembling the props he was going to use in the night's presentation, including a poster for a brand new burger... 'The Super Angus'. "The Super Angus is my greatest invention yet... as soon as it is consumed, the saturated fats clog up the arteries leading to the heart, causing instant death with just one bite! That'll teach them to respect the Angus, and respect the King!"
"Uh, sir... did I just hear you say what I think I heard you say?" asked the stagehand, nervously scratching his head.
"Would you like to be the first to try the Super Angus?" asked Dr. Angus, holding up a large burger, dripping with fatty juices. "It's the best burger, because it's the newest! I know, because I just invented it!"
"Sweet!" said the stagehand, finding the burger irresistible despite having heard everything Dr. Angus just said. "Lay it on me!"Dr. Angus handed the burger to the stagehand, who took a big bite and immediately clutched his chest, screaming in pain.
"I'm... having a heart attack..." said the man, collapsing to the floor, "but I... regret... nothing..."
As the stagehand closed his eyes, Dr. Angus tilted back his head and began to laugh maniacally.
Back inside Mellie's room, the babysitter was now duct-taped to a wooden chair, trembling nervously. Mellie, who was alone in the room with the frightened babysitter, walked up to him and smiled, holding a piece of duct tape in her hand. She pressed it over the babysitter's mouth, then slowly pulled a lipstick holder out of her shoe.
"Have you ever listened to 'Super Sounds Of The Early 21st Century'?" asked Mellie, walking over to a small radio on her dresser and turning it on, quickly scrolling through the channels. "Let's see here... just about... found it."
She stopped the dial when she heard N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" start to play, then began dancing over to the babysitter with the lipstick menacingly clutched in her hands. As the babysitter desperately struggled in his bonds, Mellie casually began painting his face with the lipstick, smiling sadistically.
I wanna see you out that door, you been tellin' me lies
Mellie took out a case of blush and began pressing it against the babysitter's cheeks, getting the thick makeup all over his terrified face.
You may hate me, but it ain't no lie
Baby bye bye bye...
The familiar inspirational music began to play as Dr. Angus took the stage, accompanied by the frantic cheers of the crowd.
"Way to go!" shouted Dr. Angus, pumping his fists."Way to go!" mimicked the audience. Every member of the audience had a Burger King sack under their chairs, each containing a lethal Super Angus Burger. They had been instructed not to eat it until Dr. Angus gave the word, which everyone in the audience knew was about to come soon.
"If you're on a diet, you eat. If you eat, you're on a diet. If you're eating on a diet, you're dieting while you eat. On the Angus Diet, what you eat is what you diet on, which is the Angus."
The door at the back of the room opened, and Alice meekly walked in. She quickly spotted her parents in the large crowd, seated in the front row and pumping their fists with the rest of Dr. Angus' unwilling zombies.
"There they are..." Alice whispered. "I have to warn them before it's too late!"
"On the Angus Diet, you eat the Angus. But now, it's Phase Two of the Angus Diet, and for Phase Two, you eat..." Dr. Angus began, taking hold of a curtain placed over a large clipboard, "the Super Angus!"
As Dr. Angus ripped off the curtain, the inspirational music kicked into high gear, and the crowd cheered even more maniacally than they had been cheering before.
"Under each of your chairs is a Super Angus Burger, and once you bite into it, you'll realize the true greatness of the Angus Diet! So respect the Angus, and take your burgers!"
Within seconds, the convention members, including Andy and Faye, had each removed the Super Angus Burger from their bags.
"It's now or never..." said Alice. She ran toward the stage and pulled out her Nerf gun. "Hey! Hey, Dr. Anus!"
Dr. Angus looked up from the stage and was shocked to see the 12-year-old daughter of Andy and Faye standing right in front of him, her Nerf gun pointed directly at his face.
"Alice?" said Faye, setting down her burger and looking up at the stage. "Alice, what the heck are you doing here?"
"Yeah, you're setting a bad example for your brothers and sisters!" shouted Andy.
"Mom, dad, you can't eat the Angus!" shouted Alice. "It's bad! It'll give you a heart attack!"
"Of course we can eat the Angus!" said Andy. "We're on a diet, and a diet is what we eat! And when we're on the Angus Diet, we eat the Angus!"
"Little girl, maybe you'd like to try the Angus for yourself," said Dr. Angus, holding up one of his Super Angus burgers. Because of Alice's interruption, none of the convention attendees had bit into their burgers, and all of them were quickly becoming impatient. "Everyone, this little girl has volunteered to be the first to eat the Super Angus!"
"If you think the Super Angus is so good, why don't you be the first to eat one?" asked Alice, the Nerf gun in her hand still pointed at his face. "Well...?"
"What she doesn't know is that I've built up complete immunity to fatty foods,"thought Dr. Angus, smiling. "I knew someone would be smart enough to try that old trick. Well, you've gotta get up pretty early to fool Dr. Angus!"
Without even blinking an eye, Dr. Angus devoured the Super Angus Burger whole. Alice stared in shock, her mouth wide open."See?" Dr. Angus said, smiling at Alice. "My burger is perfectly safe, and perfectly good! So, everyone... eat the Super Angus!"
Alice had to think fast. Her only plan had failed, and there was no contingency plan in sight. Sure, she could shoot Dr. Angus with her Nerf gun, but that wouldn't stop the thousands of convention members, including her parents, from eating the Super Angus. She began to think, and think, and think, and then...
"BRAIN BLAST!" shouted Alice. "Wait a minute, wrong show... a-ha, I know! Everyone, I've invented a BRAND NEW diet!"
Alice whipped out the can of Silly String she was carrying and lifted it up to her lips.
"Ireally hope this stuff is non-toxic..." thought Alice, spraying the silly string into her mouth. Everyone at the convention stopped what they were doing and threw their Super Angus Burgers to the ground.
"Hey, everyone!" shouted a man in the middle of the crowd, pointing at Alice. "The Silly String Diet is the newest... it must be the best! I know, because she just invented it!"
"Did you hear that, Faye?" asked Andy, pointing at Alice. "Our daughter invented a new diet! We've gotta get silly string... lots and lots of silly string!"
"You can't eat silly string... that's not a real diet,"thought Faye, grabbing Andy's arm to stop him as he started to follow the crowd out of the convention center.
"No!" shouted Dr. Angus in despair as the huge crowd stampeded out of the convention center, abandoning their burgers and running out to buy silly string. "This is all your fault!"
Dr. Angus pointed at Alice and growled in rage.
"You... you don't even have any proof my diet is dangerous!" shouted Dr. Angus.
"Hey, who's this guy?" asked Faye, now on stage and standing next to the dead stagehand, who had a Super Angus Burger clutched in his hand. "He's dead!"
"See?" shouted Alice, pointing back at Dr. Angus. "You are a murderer!"
"Oh yeah?" shouted Dr. Angus, taking out a pistol and pointing it at Alice. "Well... what are you gonna do about it?""Here's what," said Andy, shooting the gun out of Dr. Angus' hand. "Nobody points a gun at my daughter and gets away with it! Hiyaaaaaaah!"
Andy ran at Dr. Angus and knocked him to the ground with a single kick to the head.
"Alright!" cheered Alice, shooting Nerf balls at the unconscious Dr. Angus' head. "Take that! And that! And that!"
"I'm just glad you got here before it was too late," said Faye. "If we'd have eaten that burger..."
"Well, you didn't, and I'm happy," said Alice, pointing at Dr. Angus. "That guy is actually Sitchard Rimmenz, and he's got a bounty on his head. He must be wearing makeup to make him look younger."
"That's some mighty fine detective work, little cowgirl!" said Andy, lifting Alice up on his shoulders. "Great job!"
"We'd better get back home," said Faye, slapping handcuffs on Dr. Angus' wrists and lifting him to his feet. "We'll drop this guy off on the way back. By the way... how'd you leave without the babysitter stopping you?"
The babysitter, still gagged and tied to the chair with duct tape, was now wearing an enormous amount of makeup on his face, and was crying with embarrassment. Mellie strolled into the room with a large bottle of baby powder in her hands, giggling and smiling.
"Aw, you don't wanna look pretty?" asked Mellie, dumping countless amounts of baby powder onto the immobilized babysitter. "Well, I want you to look pretty, so there!"
Suddenly, Mellie was shot repeatedly with Nerf balls. She turned around to see her mother, Faye, holding a Nerf gun and standing at the door with a smirk on her face."What did I tell you about playing pranks on babysitters?" said Faye, more amused than angry.
"Um... it's fun?" Mellie replied."Well, yeah, but what else?" asked Faye."It, um... it makes them not wanna babysit anymore?" Mellie replied.
"Exactly," said Faye, walking up to the babysitter and removing the duct tape from his mouth. "You okay?"
"Your kids... are psychotic!" the babysitter shouted as Faye untaped him from the chair.
"Yeah, I know... great, aren't they?" Faye said."Whatever, lady... just gimme my money!" the babysitter shouted angrily. Faye handed him a 10,000-wulong bill, and the terrified teen ran out of the house, with baby powder trailing behind him. As Faye walked out of Mellie's room, Alice walked in, strolling up to Mellie and giving her a hug."I couldn't have saved mom and dad without you," Alice said."Of course you could have," Mellie replied. "I just saved you the trouble of eliminating the babysitter."
"Yeah... I could've done that and stopped Dr. Angus," Alice said. "But thanks anyway."
See you, space cowboy...
Alice: On the next episode, I go to school... groan and my mom attends a PTA meeting.Faye: We discuss the finer things in life... like grades, extra-curricular activities...Alice: Oh, and the new president of the PTA is the next bounty.
Andy Jr.: Sis, you're not supposed to spoil it!Alice: If you don't wanna spoil the next episode, don't watch the preview! Duh...
Cyrus: Why didn't I get to do anything?
Alice: You will... eventually.
Faye: Kids, stop fighting. Next episode, "P.T.A. Pasquinade". I hate the P.T.A....
And that's the end of the first Funniest Session! BTW, the babysitter scene was an homage, not a ripoff. Just wanna make that clear right now. Anyway, thanks for reading, and if you liked or disliked, please leave me a review! Or don't, I don't care. Actually, I do... or do I? Hee...