DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of its characters. I DO own Alice, Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu!. So don't steal them, okay?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the purpose of comedy, some characters may be OOC (out-of-character). Those who have read Funny Sessions and Funnier Sessions already know the drill.
Psychogrl: Finally, a review. Thank you! And Mystery will play a part in this episode. I won't say how big, but...
Alone in her room, the small, pink-haired girl swayed her head back and forth, listening to the music coming from the headphones over her ears.
"La la la," sang the girl in rhythm with the music, "Space Girl Power-Up Time! La la la..."
"Mystery, open up, sweetie..." came a voice from outside, prompting the girl to remove her headphones and walk up to the door. She opened it up and saw the smiling face of her mother Faye staring down at her.
"I told all of your brothers and sisters, so now I'm telling you. Alice is sick today; she's got a bad headache and a worse fever. She needs her rest, so try to keep it down, okay?"
Mystery nodded her head, then put her headphones back over her ears. Faye kissed her on the forehead, then gently shut the door behind her. As soon as she did, Mystery smiled devilishly. She threw the headphones to the floor and ran to her big sister's room as quickly as she could.
Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu! had already beaten her to the punch, and were taking turns poking Alice repeatedly, not stopping despite their sister's quiet protests.
"Stop, you guys... I got a headache, stop..." Alice moaned, holding her head and rolling over onto her side. "If I yell for mom my head will just hurt ten times more. This really sucks."
Mystery skipped into the room and immediately jostled for her place besides Alice's bed, not such an easy thing to do for a five-year-old girl.
"Are you gonna poke me too?" Alice asked, looking at Mystery through narrow eyes. Mystery smirked, and shook her head, her hands concealing something behind her back. "Well, good. At least somebody here likes me."
Suddenly, Mystery held out what she was concealing behind her back. It was a large, black spider. Mellie, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu! screamed and ran out of the room, while Andy Jr. simply chuckled and Cyrus jumped back. Alice rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Mystery, you know I'm not scared of spiders," said Alice. Mystery looked down at what was in her hand. Her eyes widened.
"Sp...sp...SPIDER?" Mystery shrieked. She dropped the spider on Alice's lap, screamed, and ran out of the room. With a groan of resignation, Alice flopped back down onto her bed.
"Silly Mystery," said Andy Jr. "Pranks are for boys."
"And Mellie," added Cyrus. "Don't forget Mellie."
Session 55: The Kids Are Not Alright
BIGSHOT- The Show For Bounty Hunters
Paunch: Howdy out there, you space hombres! I'm Paunch...
Judy: And I'm Judy! And we're here with a brand new bountyhead!
Paunch: But first, a matter of urgent national security! The President of Mars, Helsing Van Buren, has raised the terror alert from "Urgent" to "Slightly More Urgent"! So everyone keep on your guard!
Judy: And today's bountyhead is especially dangerous! He's a terrorist who's been given the nickname "The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber"! I don't know what that could possibly mean, except that he's bad!
Paunch: Ten million wulongs to the first space cowpoke to bring this varmint in!
the TV flashes off
"Honestly," said Faye, holding a remote control in her hand. "The nerve of those terrorists nowadays. Sticking bombs in places they don't belong."
"Didn't we fight a terrorist together once?" asked Andy. "You know, some guy named Vincent."
"As I recall, I saved the world, and you got stabbed in the stomach," said Faye. "But you're fine now!"
"You're the fine one," said Andy, taking Faye into his arms. "You're the finest little lady in the galaxy..."
But before Andy and Faye could kiss, Mystery came running into the room.
"MOMMY! DADDY! SPIDER!!!" Mystery screamed, jumping up and down. "SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER!!!"
After breaking off their embrace in order to cover up their ears, Faye and Andy smiled reassuringly.
"Now, dear, you know that spider is way more scared of you than you are of it," said Faye.
"Actually," replied Mellie, as she, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu! walked into the family room, "since spiders are far inferior to humans on an evolutionary standpoint, their brains are much too small to develop the emotion of fear. Thus, their 'fear' is actually a reaction based on simple animal instinct."
"Where'd you hear something like that?" asked Jim. "It's just a scary spider."
"Um... I think it was on Animal Planet," said Mellie.
"Nonsense," replied Andy. "We've been to Animal Planet, and there's nothing on that planet but animals and more animals. I had to run screaming back to the Bebop after a monkey bit me on the bottom. But, uh... don't tell anybody. I am Cowboy Andy, after all!"
"Now where's this spider?" asked Faye, picking up a newspaper and rolling it up into a long, round cylinder. "I'll whack it good!"
"It's in Alice's room," said Mellie."Spider scary..." Chibi Spikuu! said, covering his eyes up with his hands.
"Well, if it's in Alice's room, we probably shouldn't disturb her," said Andy. "Instead, we should all go somewhere fun and forget this ever happened! Who's up for Cowpoke Corral?"
Mellie, Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu! all jumped up and began shouting 'me! me! me!' repeatedly, a sound that carried all throughout the Oniyate mansion to Alice's room, where it make her headache even worse. But since this isn't an Alice-centric episode, who really cares?
"I guess that means I'm staying here with Alice," said Faye. "Well, I guess that won't be so bad."
"Of course not! You girls can... do girl stuff! Meanwhile, it's all you can eat and all the tokens you can play for 5,000 wulongs! So go get Andy Jr. and Cyrus, and let's go!"
"You're going to Cowpoke Corral without me?" said Alice after Andy Jr. and Cyrus had informed her of the day's planned excursion. "Et tu, brother?"
"Oh, you never have fun at that place anyway," said Andy Jr. "All you do is play Dance Party, and that red-haired chick always beats you."
"What's her name, anyway?" said Cyrus, putting his hand to his head in thought. "Kirsten, or something?"
"Yeah, Kirsten," Andy Jr. replied. "She's cute."
"....what's the deal with... you know? And besides, there's an age difference..." said Alice, looking out into space, as if she was looking out to some mystical audience (i.e., the people who have read ALL of my fics... who are probably getting pretty sick of all these inside jokes by now, so I'll stop). "All the... you know... well, anyway, you guys suck. See you in hell."
"That's not a very nice thing to say," said Cyrus.
"I've got a headache," replied Alice. "I have every right to be snippy! SO GO AWAY!.... ow.... my head..."
Alice didn't see the spider, still alive but now forgotten, crawling up her nose as she drifted slowly off to sleep.
The Cowpoke Corral was a magical, mystical restaurant, loved by many and envied by all. Imagine Chuck E. Cheese in a steakhouse, and you've pretty much got the picture. Andy, Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu! entered the restaurant and sat down at their table, which was actually two tables of four pushed together to make one large table. Add in a high-chair for Chibi Spikuu! and booster seats for Jim and Mystery, and you can easily understand why their server would naturally be rather peeved by the time that Andy and the six children were ready to be served.
"Hello...." said the server, a tall man in a cow costume with a knife stuck in its back. "How can I help you?"
"We'll take seven buffets and six all-you-can-play specials, please," said Andy, a smile on his face. "I don't play arcade games, because I'm Cowboy Andy!"
"Wonderful," said the server, writing the order down on his notepad. Suddenly, Chibi Spikuu! began to cry.
"Waaaaah!" Chibi Spikuu! shouted, loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear.
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" shouted Gene Snitsky IV, who had been sitting at an adjacent table. "And at Taboo Tuesday, Kane, you're going to end up as dead as your baby!"
After everyone in the restaurant stared at him for several seconds, the man sighed and continued eating.
"What's wrong, Chibi Spikuu!?" asked Andy. "You love this place!"
"I don't like steak!" whined Chibi Spikuu!. "It bleeds when I eat it!"
"Yeah, meat is murder," said Andy Jr. "Well, according to morons with no life."
"Kids, all of you, settle down," replied Andy. "You all like meat, and you're all going to eat meat and have fun! Well, if you want to, anyway. Your mom's the strict one, not me."
"So that's... six buffets, and six token specials then?" asked the man in the cow suit, becoming more and more irritated by the second. "Or is that five?"
"I said only morons think meat is murder," said Andy Jr.
"Hey, one of those morons is my best friend!" shouted Mellie.
"Ha ha, your best friend is a moron!" Jim taunted, pointing at Mellie from across the table. "Hey, you said it, not me."
"Kids, settle down! You're all equally morons!" Andy shouted. "Wait, no, that's not right... I guess that makes me a moron."
"Ha ha, your dad's a moron!" Jim taunted, pointing at Mystery.
"He's your dad too, ya know," Mystery said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried Chibi Spikuu!, deeply distressed by all of the fighting.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Gene Snitsky IV, standing up and pretending to cry. "That's the sound your baby made when it died, Kane, but... IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
"ENOUGH!!!!" shouted the server, throwing the head of his cow suit to the ground. "Are you people gonna order, or not? I'm not getting paid 400 wulongs an hour just to take crap from (FCC says "Wazzup?")heads like you!"
The arguing and yelling stopped immediately. Suddenly, Cyrus broke the silence by pointing and laughing at the man.
"Hee, he said a funny word," Cyrus chuckled.
"Kids..." said Andy, throwing several 5,000-wulong bills onto the table, "go and play games and have fun. Daddy's got a bad hombre to take care of."
Understanding what their father was about to do, the kids meekly took their money from the table and ran off into the arcade, leaving Andy and the server to stare at one another for several long, tense seconds.
A few minutes later...
"Yeehaw!" shouted Andy, piloting the Bebop off into the far reaches of the Solar System. "I'm gonna go catch the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber!"
"If that guy actually cared about the welfare and honor of his kids, I'd be a dead man by now," said the server, picking up the 5,000-wulong bills from the table. "Good thing he's just a rich, neglective idiot who paid the tab and left his kids here while he goes off doing who knows what. What a moron."
The Oniyate children were left to fend for themselves in the arcade. Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu! leapt into the ball pit, while Andy Jr. and Cyrus faced off in "Silent But Deadly: The Revenge Of Muhammad and Malvo", the ultra-violent, ultra-offensive sniper simulator game from Japan.
"Ha!" shouted Cyrus, waving his plastic gun controller in the air. "I killed 46 innocent civilians, and winged a politician! How about you, huh?"
"47," said Andy Jr. "Including 22 shots to the groin!"
"Awesome!" replied Cyrus, admiring his older brother's sniping skills.
"You boys are weird," said Mellie, walking by their game without even looking at what they were playing. "And violent, and rude, and mean. I'm going to play a really good game."
Mellie walked past several machines until she saw the one she wanted: "Pretty Pony's Cute Adventure".
"This game is awesome!" said Mellie, placing a token into the machine and pressing 'Start'. "Yay! Pretty Pony!"
"How are you, Madam Princess Pretty Pony?" said a small, light blue pony, one of the characters in the opening cut-scene.
"I'm wonderful!" said a pink pony, blinking her eyes while brushing back her long, blonde hair with her small, cute hoof. "I'm ready to have a wonderful, pretty pony day!"
"And how do we start every happy, wonderful, super cute pretty pony day?" asked the blue pony.
"A wonderful, happy, cute, magical, mystical... ORGY OF BLOODSHED!!!"
Heavy metal music began to play, and the screen filled with hundreds of human-like beings. As Mellie repeatedly jammed the buttons, the two ponies on the screen mauled, bit, and tore the beings to shreds, spraying blood across the screen and rapidly building Mellie's score. From the rate her score was increasing, it was quite obvious she'd played the game many times before. Andy Jr. and Cyrus looked over at Mellie's game, barely batting an eye.
"Eh, that game sucks," said Andy Jr., returning to his sniper game.
"Yeah," said Cyrus, zooming in on his scope and blowing the head off of yet another pixelated character. "Way too violent."
"Mm-hmm," said Andy Jr., nodding his head in agreement.
Faye walked into Alice's room, tiptoeing quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping girl. She smiled and knelt by her daughter's bed, brushing back her hair and gently stroking her forehead.
"Sorry you couldn't go to the Cowpoke Corral," Faye whispered, though she knew her daughter couldn't hear her. "As soon as you're all better, you and me will go somewhere all by ourselves. It'll be a girls' night out, okay?"
Suddenly, a long, thin white thread drooped down from Alice's nose. At the end of the thread was the largest spider Faye had ever seen.
Back at the Cowpoke Corral, while Jim and Chibi Spikuu! were having lots of fun in the ball pit, Mystery yearned for something more. Specifically, red meat. She climbed out of the ball pit and made her way to the buffet table, where a man in a black jacket had been standing for a very long time. Mystery noticed that he was blocking her way to the best cuts of steak, and was immediately going to do something about it. She began poking the man, who had been sprinkling a white, powdery substance on everything he could find.
"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey," said Mystery, repeatedly poking the man in order to get his attention. "Hey. Hey. Hey. What'cha dooooooooooin'? Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What'cha doooooooooooin'?"
The man turned around and smiled at Mystery. He slid a large bag of white powder into his pocket.
"Seeing as how you're a little girl, and there's no way you'd be smart enough to understand what I'm doing, I'll just tell you. I'm fighting the tyranny of oppression by putting anthrax on the steak. I don't know how this is actually fighting the tyranny of oppression, since all I'm really doing is killing people, which kind of makes me a jerk. But I am putting anthrax on the steak. That's what I do know."
"Oh," said Mystery. She smiled, put a large steak on her plate, and walked back to the table. There, Jim was sitting, drinking a soda and looking around aimlessly.
"The ball pit got boring," said Jim.
"That guy put anthrax on the steak!" said Mystery, smiling and pointing at the man at the buffet table. Jim, also not knowing what anthrax was, chuckled, thinking what Mystery had said was a funny joke. He got up and walked over to the sniper game, where Andy and Cyrus were still locked in heated competition.
"Hey, guys..." said Jim, pointing at the man at the buffet table. "I gots a funny joke!"
"Not now," said Cyrus. "I'm killing people!"
"Yeah," said Andy Jr. "Leave us alone."
"But that guy put anthrax on the steak!" shouted Jim, smiling happily.
"Yeah, whatever, we're playing," said Cyrus.
"Go away," Andy Jr. said. Jim growled and walked back to the table, where Mystery still hadn't eaten her steak. Andy Jr. and Cyrus continued to play the game for several seconds. Finally, after ten seconds of playing, they finally (idiots!) realized what Jim had said.
Back at the buffet table, the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber had finally finished seeding the steak with deadly anthrax. As soon as he turned around, he was confronted by Andy Jr. and Cyrus. They had both taken guns from the prize booth and were now pointing them in his face.
"Eat BBs, jerkwad!" shouted Andy Jr. The two boys opened fire, but even though they were at point blank range, their shots completely missed.
"What... in the world?" Cyrus stammered.
"We can't hit him up close!" shouted Andy Jr. "The game only taught us how to shoot from long distances!"
"I can shoot a fly off the head of a pin at 1000 meters, but I can't hit a guy two feet in front of me!" shouted Cyrus, beginning to sob. "We're doomed!"
"And I'm out of here!" shouted the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber, running for the door of the restaurant. He didn't get very far before Mellie stepped in his way, a wicked smile on her face.
"And just where are you going, terrorist butthead?" asked Mellie, waving her finger in his face. "Alice isn't the only Oniyate child that can take down a bountyhead!"
The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber screamed, running off in the opposite direction and diving straight onto a table filled with food.
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" shouted Gene Snitsky IV, standing up from the table and shouting at the top of his lungs. "Hey... it really wasn't my fault this time!"
The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber, now covered with food, stood up and took off for the kitchen area, knocking over two costumed servers as he ran. Just before he reached the kitchen, Mellie grabbed him by the ankle, knocking him to the ground and causing his bag of anthrax to fly into a fryer, destroying it forever.
"My anthrax!" shouted the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber. "Nooo!"
"You're about to lose your freedom, terrorist jerk!" said Andy Jr, walking up to the man and pointing the BB gun at his face. "Reach for the sky!"
"Yeah!" shouted Cyrus, pointing at Andy Jr. "Uh... what he said."
The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber stood up and pushed away all three kids, dashing off and not paying any attention to where he was going. It was a big mistake, because the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber completely missed the edge of the ball pit. He tripped and fell into the huge vat of multi-colored plastic balls, right in front of Chibi Spikuu!. Chibi Spikuu! took one look at the man and began to cry. The other kids in the ball pit immediately went to Chibi Spikuu!'s aid, tossing dozens of balls at the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" shouted the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber, climbing out of the pit and stumbling all the way to the entrance of the restaurant, unaware that 'Go Go Cactus Man' was starting to play in the background. "You... pathetic children... trying to ruin my plan... but I escaped! I-"
A fist slammed into the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber's face, immediately dropping him to the ground. The owner of the fist was Cowboy Andy, walking into the restaurant and standing over the terrorist's unconscious body.
"After traveling the Solar System, I've finally found you!" shouted Andy, pointing at the man and letting out a triumphant laugh. "No one escapes the justice that is... Cowboy Andy!"
"Daddy!" shouted Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu!, running up to their father and embracing him.
"Howdy, kids... did you guys have fun?" Andy asked. They all nodded. "Good... then I'm still a good father! Where's your sister? Where's Mystery?"
Chibi Spikuu! pointed to the table, where Mystery had just finished off her large, delicious steak, white powder and all. Andy Jr. and Cyrus gasped.
"That steak... it had anthrax on it!" Andy Jr. shouted.
"Mystery... no!" said Cyrus. Suddenly, Andy began to chuckle. "Dad, what's so funny?"
"Oh, you crazy kids... Mystery's immune to anthrax, didn't you guys know that?"
Andy Jr. and Cyrus looked back and forth between each other, while Mellie began to giggle.
"Yeah, dad told me a long time ago," said Mellie.
"So even though our daughter has pink hair... it's perfectly normal?" asked Faye, standing together with Andy inside a clinic with the Oniyate family doctor.
"Of course she's not normal... but she will be perfectly fine," said the doctor. "In fact, the same mysterious condition that's made her hair pink also made her immune to several dangerous disease! She's immune to anthrax, cancer... as well as every STD that's ever been discovered."
Suddenly, Andy reached over and grabbed the doctor by his shirt collar.
"Now, you listen to me, and you listen good," said Andy. "Don't EVER tell Mystery about that last one. Got it?"
"See?" said Andy, still smiling even as hundreds of HAZMAT-suit wearing disease control workers rushed past him into the restaurant. "Mystery's gonna be fine!"
"Yay!" cheered the children, hugging their sister Mystery as she walked toward the entrance of the restaurant.
"Now, I wonder how Alice and your mother are doing...?"
Faye crouched in the corner of her daughter's room, trembling in fear at the spider now crawling up and down Alice's chin.
"Calm down, Faye," Faye said to herself, trying to calm her fears. "The spider's more scared of me than I am of it... so it must be awfully scared."
Faye tiptoed over to Alice's bed, rolled-up newspaper in hand. She raised it up, ready to strike swift and deadly wrath upon the spider whom had made its home on her daughter's face. She swung the newspaper down, but just before it reached Alice's face, Alice reached up and grabbed the newspaper, preventing her mother from completing the blow.
"I watch TV, mom," Alice mumbled sleepily. "I know how this is going to end. I don't mind the spider being on my face. Just put the newspaper down and walk slowly, slowly away."
See you, space cowboy...
Alice: So, did we ever kill that spider?
Mystery: Spider? SPIDER?!?!
Alice: Next time, there's more than spiders to worry about on Bebop...
Mellie: We're going to see Aunt Edward!
Jim: It's gonna be fun!
Mystery: She's a super-duper-model!Alice: She really does call herself that... what a loon. Anyway, loony supermodel Edward is in the middle of a fashion show when she's attacked by a bunch of bad guys, but saved by a group of female secret agents who call themselves "She.I.P."
Faye: What kind of retarded imbecile would....
Andy: Now Faye, don't be mean...Faye: And why are you looking at them like that anyway, Andy?
Andy Jr.: Next time on Bebop... "Conflict Of Prurient Interests!" What's 'prurient'?
Faye: You do NOT wanna know...