Wetness At Camp Green Lake?
Written by Celestra (El S)
Author Notes: Oh man, you don't even want to KNOW where this came from XD Well, I am both bored and sick with a cold, so I am going to attribute this piece of crud writing to that, mmkay? Actually, I got the original idea from a story entitled 'Wet and Rainy Dreams' by Saba Li Anks (Peter Pan fanfiction.. mmm).
Magnet is having very odd dreams and is talking in his sleep . . . but certain juvenile delinquents are getting the wrong idea. Rated PG13 for sexual innuendos galore, hahah.
Disclaimer: I don't own Holes . . . But I do own a nifty new student ID card. Whee for picture day.
Dedicated to my Holes Posse, and especially Chrysti and Shira – Chrysti for inspiring my urges to write, and Shira for allowing me to pester you with vague, seemingly useless questions. Y'all rock.
Question: what the hell is up with this 'oldie author – newbie authors' thing? Hahah, you guys all sound like little children when you argue about it. And while I happen to agree Mary-Sues are annoying as hell and pop up far too often (who here can spell 'originality?' come on, say it with me!), never have I seen a feud over it.
Although, I do find it quite amusing.. because the authors that have been here before any of you, myself included, are the ones not feuding over it. Just thought I'd contribute my two cents worth.. flame me and I'll laugh at your patheticness ::grins::
Oh, and one more thing: If anyone would like to join a Holes RPG board, my friend has started one up and we are looking for people to play the canon characters. Original characters are also acceptable on the basis that they are not Mary-Sues or self-insertions. Nothing against that, but we are trying to stay more canon there. Oh, and if anyone plays Mary Lou or Mr. Sir, I'll be forever in your debt.. lol, I'll even draw you something ;)
The link: It's dot com, slash the holes rpg with an underscore separating each word
"So what are we playin'? Blackjack, poker, president?" Squid inquired as he shuffled a pack of worn out, smudged and tattered playing cards - D-Tent's after-dinner entertainment for the evening. He attempted to make a bridge with them, and grinned sheepishly as they literally popped from his calloused hands and became the floor's newest decorations.
"How about fifty-two pickup?" Stanley joked dryly.
"Comedian." Squid frowned and swatted at him, nearly unseating him. The tent echoed with raucous laughter.
As the do-rag clad teen scooped the cards back up, Armpit caused a very shocked silence by suggesting they play Go-Fish, which the other boys didn't appreciate because it wasn't dirty or played often in casinos. Armpit grumbled something about 'funky fishies' and made a sign with his hand and the band of his watch. No one knew what it meant, but Armpit seemed rather pleased with himself for the rest of the evening.
X-Ray proposed a vote between blackjack and poker. Seeing as the bespectacled boy decided on poker, many of the tent chose it also, because X-Ray was the boss and since he wanted to play poker, they'd probably end up playing it anyways despite their choice.
Squid quickly dealt all the boys their hands, giving the others the impression that Squid may have spent a lot of time gambling. Only Zero declined to play, and this surprised no one, except only Stanley shrewdly guessed that the cinnamon-colored youth probably hadn't an inkling how to play.
When all the teenagers but one had claimed their cards, it became apparent that Magnet wasn't playing either, for the simple reason that he was lying fast asleep in his cot in much the same way that a tired puppy collapses and curls up on the spot.
"Unbelievable," Zigzag shook his head, vividly reminding the boys of an electrocuted bobble-head the way it made his hair stand out more than usual. His eyes took on a coin shape as he regarded the sleeping Hispanic. "That boy is always sleeping," he remarked.
"No shit," X-Ray agreed. "You'd think he'd want to play, considering he was the one who swiped the cards from Mr. Sir's cabin in the first place."
Everyone shrugged and went back to the game at hand. As the players placed their bets (mostly dibs on the good food at meal times, such as bread and the juice), no one paid any attention to Magnet as he was swept away in his subconscious.
It was a normal day in Camp Green Lake – swelteringly hot, annoyingly dusty, and the same hard, backbreaking labor. Home.
Suddenly, the ground turned to water, like a lake or pond, and Magnet floated in bewilderment, looking around at his fellow D-Tenters. He could hear thunder overhead, and all of a sudden it started to rain. Magnet frowned. It was raining dust particles, and it was making his little pond muddy.
"Hey now, that's not right!" He called up to the sky. The clouds started to merge together until they formed the face of Mr. Sir. Magnet could even see little cloudy sunflower seeds floating around him.
"I guess yer right," Cloud Mr. Sir drawled.
Instantly, the strange weather became inverted – Magnet was now standing on muddy ground, and raindrops were pelting the ground in a most uncomfortable fashion. It was rather like being showered with pebbles – Magnet thought he preferred the dust.
"Can you make it slightly less dangerous?" Magnet inquired.
"I suppose so," Cloud Mr. Sir said gruffy.
The force of the raindrops lessened until it became a comfortable drizzle. Magnet closed his eyes in contentment. "Ahh, that feels better."
Everyone looked up sharply as they heard the moaning from Magnet's cot.
"Mm . . . wet . . . . feels soooooo goooooooood . . ." Magnet's rich Hispanic accent caused it to lilt slightly, but everyone in D-Tent heard it quite clearly.
A devilish grin spread across Squid's face. "Sounds like Magnet here is having a little wet dream!"
The cards all flopped from their hands onto the crate they were using as a table, forgotten, as everyone turned in their seats to get a better look at Magnet to see what he would say next.
As the rain battered the desert floor lightly, Magnet became aware of a hazy, sparkly sort of mass forming in the water. He quickly realized it was girl with long, wavy blonde hair and surprisingly blue eyes with a heavily made-up face. She had an obscenely curvy, lithe figure, and he noted that she had a flowing dress that appeared to be made completely of sunflower seeds stuck together with glop from Mess Hall.
"Who are you?" Magnet asked, arching an eyebrow at the strange girl.
"Hi, I'm Desert Princess Barbie!" The girl giggled with a voice that grated on his nerves. "You freed me from my prison with your spell to bring rain, and now I am yours forever, Ken!"
Magnet looked at her, very confused. "My name's not Ken. I'm Magnet."
Barbie's brow furrowed before she perked up again. "Hi, I'm Desert Princess Barbie!"
Magnet threw his hands up and started walking the other way. Desert Princess Barbie immediately swooned in an attempt to make him come back and rescue her. She landed heavily on him, for such a tiny girl, and her sunflower seed dress flopped all over him.
"Stop, get off! Barbie, your dress is in the way and it's making me hot. How do you even wear such a thing without suffocating?"
Cloud Mr. Sir began shouting down at Magnet. "That's my Desert Princess Barbie! You can't have her!" he snarled.
"Hey, you can have her!" Magnet attempted pushing the girl off him.
"What, now she's not good enough? I'm coming down there!" Cloud Mr. Sir growled. Suddenly, a chariot made of clouds pulled by two yellow-spotted lizards appeared, and Cloud Mr. Sir stepped onto it. The lizards pulled the chariot to the ground, and Mr. Sir proceeded to whack Magnet hard with a salami.
Magnet blinked. A salami? How strange. Then he cringed as Mr. Sir banged him again, hard, and kept doing it.
"Mr. Sir, that salami is too hard! Stop banging me with it!"
Magnet's next words caused Armpit to fall off the cot with a heavy crash that reverberated throughout the whole tent.
"Barbie . . . making me hot . . ."
Stanley looked up in alarm. "Should I be worried that Magnet is getting off from a Barbie doll?"
X-Ray was looking at him strangely. "This must be why he never shares when we talk about our fantasies, eh?"
Zigzag giggled nervously. "For a doll, Barbie's pretty hot." Squid gave him a look that plainly said 'I can't believe you just said that.'
Zero, having no experience with real toys, let alone girls' toys, remained silent, but even he gasped at Magnet's next exclamation.
"Mr. Sir . . . too hard . . . bang . . . me . . ."
"Okay, now THAT is just plain wrong." Armpit crossed his arms in a huff, his backside sore from where he tumbled off the cot.
"Hey, if he bends that way, he bends that way." Stanley raised and lowered one shoulder.
"But . . but it's Mr. Sir!" Squid spluttered,
"You weren't that accepting when it was the Barbie Doll!" Zigzag accused, pointing wildly at Stanley.
"That's because Barbie Dolls are made of plastic!" Stanley retorted.
"So are dildos!"
"Zig . . . ."
"Mmkay, we aren't going there," X-Ray said firmly.
"Look, he's talking again," Zero pointed out quietly. He didn't think he was quite old enough for stuff like this yet, but the others' reactions were amusing him to no end.
Magnet and Mr. Sir were now duking it out while Desert Princess Barbie stood by and twirled her hair, looking for a mirror to apply some more eyeliner and wandering where on earth Ken was.
All of a sudden, the Warden drove up, but instead of her normal Cadillac, she was driving what was obviously a pimp-mobile. When the Warden stepped out, she completed the look with her pimp-hat, fur coat, boots, and bling. Magnet stared in awed shock.
"See what happens when girls come to Camp Green Lake? Everyone fighting! Excuse me, but not at my camp." The Warden exclaimed angrily, before turning back to her car and unstrapping two purple monkeys from the front seat, where they had been buckled in with the seatbelt. She grabbed the monkeys and threw them at Barbie, who screamed and fell unconscious from shock.
The Warden dusted her hands off, looking satisfied. "Now that's taken care of! No more girls at Camp Green Lake."
"But Warden," Magnet protested, looking at the limp purple monkeys. He had never seen purple monkeys before, and he was very in to animals. "Those can't be real."
"That's of no importance," the Warden said, waving her hand. "Now, help me dig a hole so we can bury Desert Princess Barbie."
"But I don't have a shovel," Magnet frowned.
In an instant, Zero ran up, carrying a small spade in his hands. Magnet eyed it and snorted.
"Now really, Zero, how am I supposed to dig with that? It's much too small!"
Obediently, Zero ran off and fetched Stanley, who had one of the normal sized shovels.
"Caveman, that's perfect!" Magnet flashed a smile, and began digging.
With a shock, Magnet realized that for every shovelful of dirt he unearthed, a whole foot of earth was flung away. Grinning at the easy work, Magnet scowled when he saw Squid and Zigzag cowering in his hole.
"What are you two doing here?"
"X-Ray pushed us in!" Zigzag said angrily, pointing behind Magnet. Lo and behold, X-Ray was standing there with his arms crossed, smirking. He pushed Magnet, who stumbled in the hole also, landing on Squid. He was surprised at the soft landing.
"Wow Squid, you're so soft!"
"Thank you. I use body lotion!"
"Body lotion? Oh, I see!"
Now, Magnet needed to figure out how to get out of the hole. Squid and Zigzag weren't being very helpful, as they were dead afraid of X-Ray and kept murmuring softly about someone called Jason. By then, Armpit had lumbered along, and ignoring X-Ray, he lifted all three of them right of the hole with his solid grip.
"Armpit," Magnet grimaced. "You're holding on too tight."
"Oh, sorry," the large black boy apologized and loosened his grip.
" . . . Warden . . . they can't be . . . reaaal . . ." Magnet mumbled, twitching a little in his slumber.
"I think I need to go rinse my eyes out with soap," Squid gagged on the metal picture.
"At least she has boobs!" Zigzag cried, his eyes wide. Armpit grimaced and smacked Zigzag.
"Come on, it's the WARDEN. She's psycho." X-Ray shook his head.
"Yeah, but at least-" Stanley began, but was cut off as Magnet groaned again.
"Zero . . . too small . . ."
The tent roared in laughter as the small boy turned crimson. "Come on guys, he wouldn't-" Zero tried to say, but everyone was laughing too uproariously to take heed.
'This is why I don't talk,' Zero glowered.
The hilarity died slightly when Stanley became Magnet's newest love-muffin.
"Caveman . . . perfect . . . !"
"Okay, that's it, who has a bucket," Stanley sighed as everyone turned to point and snicker at him now.
'This must be why Zero doesn't talk.'
"Zigzag . . . Squid . . ."
Zigzag and Squid both started yelling at the top of their lungs and they sprang away from Magnet as though they thought he would reach and try to – dare they think it? snuggle with them.
"X-Ray . . . push . . ."
Although X-Ray looked irritated with his tent-mate, he still smirked. "That's right, you're my bitch!" He paused at their freaked out looks. "Well, see, I'm the man, even in Magnet's messed up dreams," he supplied.
"Right . . ."
"Squid . . . lotion . . . !"
Squid glared hotly, forming a fist. "I do NOT use lotion, thank you very much. I'm an all natural man." He grinned.
Stanley nodded, wrinkling his nose. "We know. Use some deodorant, man."
"Armpit . . . too tight . . ."
Armpit blinked. "Well . . . that's a surprise." He immediately got several pillows thrown in his direction while many voices voiced their displeasure at the disturbing thought.
"Okay, I'm going to wake him up before he starts talking about Mr. Pendanski," Squid said, looking quite ill. He took one of the many fallen pillows from the floor and smacked Magnet repetitively with it until the Hispanic boy awoke, sputtering and annoyed.
"It's the weather's fault!" He exclaimed vaguely.
"Huh?" The others paused in mid-thwack.
Magnet blinked and rubbed his eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you? I was SLEEPING, dammit!"
"We know," X-Ray said grimly. "We all know about your little dream."
Magnet paused, at a loss. "I was talking in my sleep again?"
"That's right, lotion-man!" Squid glared again. "All horny-like, too."
"Horny?" Magnet queried, confused.
"You were smitten by lust," Zigzag said poetically.
"Lust? Wait a second . . . did you guys steal drugs or something?" Magnet asked pointedly. The others stared dumbly at him.
"In your dream, you were moaning about weird stuff . . . and us," Stanley added.
Magnet started to get a little aggravated. "Wanna tell me why having a dream about rain at Camp Green Lake releasing a ditzy Desert Princess Barbie who suffocated me with her sunflower seed dress would make me horny?" Magnet recalled. "And Mr. Sir hitting me with a salami because he wanted the Barbie for himself, and the Warden using purple monkeys as a weapon . . . And Zero brought me a spade to dig a hole, which was stupid, and then Stanley brought me a decent shovel . . . And then X-Ray pushed me, Squid, and Zigzag in a hole and Armpit had to get us out again . . ."
"Um . . . that was your dream?" Zigzag asked, his jaw dropping a little.
"Yes," Magnet said flatly. "If that's what you guys get off on, that's your problem."
"But . . . but . . ." Armpit started.
"Come on guys, get your minds out of the gutter," Magnet groaned. And promptly, he settled himself back to sleep.
Well, that's my masterpiece de jour. Yes, I am aware that it's a piece of crap, but it was incredibly fun to write and done in a moment of boredom and sickness, so I have a somewhat plausible excuse :-p In any case, I still hope you enjoy it.
::poke:: Go join the RPG! And leave reviews, I crave feedback. You'll make me happy :)