He asked me why I was angry. I replied I wasn't. It's true. I wasn't upset that he was using his charms to acheive his goals. After all,
I've seen him use them for more self-serving reasons. Getting dates, winning bets, etc.

But it makes me wonder. I wasn't angry, but I may have been a bit annoyed. Why? Was it nervousness from knowing that I was about to face my biggest mssion? No. I've been waiting for this day the moment I decided to become his subordinate. All the years of loyalty have finally lead to this moment. I have been waiting for it and I was definately not nervous.

So Why was I annoyed?

The time has come. And I am still his subordinate. This is exactly what I wanted. To be there with him in his most critical moment. But, I am annoyed. And I know why.

I am annoyed at myself. This incognito act, dressing up as a man; it made me realize how much I wanted to be looked at as a woman. As much as I hated to admit it.

When I first joined the army, I kept my hair cut boyishly short for years. I felt that I needed to gain a reputation for being tough. And yet, I still wore earrings. Later, I told myself that my comrades now know that I am unreachable; I felt that I didn't need keep the hair short anymore. So I let it grow.

And now, I realize, that whether I have short hair, long hair, or even if I am wearing men's clothes, he treats me the same.

I feel flattered. But, for some reason, I am also annoyed.

By Information Specialist

September 27, 2004