Notes: Don't ask where this come from. Mostly it was inspired from the fact I was trying to explain why I wanted to watch Atlantis when it starts here ("It's got McKay in it" "Who?"). And I dunno, I just figured that he'd be pretty devoted to her and so forth. It';s not releted to any episode. Oh and it's not been beta either, so excuse mistakes. Wow these notes are long aren't they?


She didn't think she'd end up in this position and she didn't think she'd ever end up thinking he was perfect for her. She knew it wouldn't last, that he was only perfect for her state of mind at the moment and she knew that it was cruel to use him like this.

But she needed to use him like this.

Straddling him, holding his hands up above his head, keeping him in place like she wanted- she needed- she suspected he knew he was being used. She suspected that he was so smitten with her, he'd take whatever it was she had to give.

He was a million miles away from the man she loved, the man she missed so much the only way she could blot it out was dominating Rodney Mckay. He was still annoying, but she'd come to like his strange smile and he made her laugh occasionally. In between the bad and slightly lewd jokes. Under those clothes he surprised Sam, but he still managed to look scrawny to her eyes even if he didn't to her touch. She knew though she was comparing him to her Colonel.

This was never going to last and they both knew it. This moment wasn't going to last either as she screamed out, a moment of physical pleasure and emotional pain which he echoed. There were no names at that moment, no words, no kisses. She released his hands and slipped down onto the bed and curled up by his side.

There was stillness and silence as usual, leaving them both to think and fall to sleep.

Until he spoke.

"Sam" he whispered, turning on his side to look at her. She could see the pain in his eyes, this was hurting him but he wasn't going to break it off because this was all he was ever going to have of a woman he was completely taken with beyond any logic. She could see sincerity on his face that didn't show up too often, only in moments of vulnerability but was always there, hidden in his eyes. She leant forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, not something she normally did after sex but the look on his face was breaking her and she was already broken.

"What is it?" she whispered back.

"He'll be found, you'll get him back" he told her, his voice wavering slightly. The words hit her, suspecting he knew the score over their relationship was one thing, having him voice it was a little different.

"I, ah" she stuttered, feeling tears beginning to appear. She liked him, cared about him, she didn't want to hurt him but she was and in turn it was hurting her.

And she was already hurting but she needed him right now. Needed this.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be. Ever" he said. "This has it's moments and I don't regret it"

"I think I will. I already regret hurting you" they spoke in whispers, quiet voices, anything else sounded too harsh in the peace of her bedroom.

"And I'll regret letting myself be hurt" he said. "But at the same time, I've had a little piece of you, for this little space of time and I'll never forget it, let alone regret it" she smiled, a true smile and he smiled back, that strange McKay smile that she knew in time she could love.

"You deserve so much better that this. Than me" she said, stroking his cheek, letting her fingers drift lightly down his face and neck and onto his chest.

"Maybe I deserve better than this but there is no better than you" she blushed, his compliments came easy but this all seemed so much deeper than usual. "Just promise me something"


"When he comes back, do something about it" he said. "It's hurting you and that's something you don't deserve"

"I wish you weren't so wonderful sometimes" she said kissing him and pulling herself closer to his body.

"I wish you weren't so wonderful all the time" he told her.