I Didn't Want To

Author: Pumpkin Belly

Summary: I didn't want to do it. It just didn't seem fair anymore. Willow/Spike. AU no vampires or slayers.

A/N: This is a companion piece to my other story It Wasn't Fair, but you don't have to read that to understand this. Spike, Willow and Buffy are in high school. Spike and Willow dated for about a year. Willow and Buffy are best friends. Spike's POV. Words in italics are past.

I didn't want to do it. Really. I loved her so much. It just didn't seem fair anymore.

"Willow, I can't do this anymore." Spike cringed even as the words came out of his mouth. The sounded so crude. Like this was some horrible thing.

"Can't do what?" Willow asked. Spike could see the pain behind her eyes.

"This," Spike moved his hand to point at himself and than Willow, "us." He whispered.

"Why?" Willow said and then the tears started. Spike couldn't stand to see her cry.

"It isn't working. You feel the same way, pet." Spike said. 'God this is hard.' Spike thought reaching up to wipe away one of Willow's tears.

"Don't." Willow said backing away from his hand. Spike slowly lowered his hand, pain evident on his face. She had never backed away from his touch. Not till now.

"I'm so sorry Willow." Spike said before walking away.

It was so hard for me to just walk away from her. I know if I stayed though, I was going to cave in and beg her to take me back. That wasn't fair to her. Willow was so smart and beautiful; I was only holding her back.

I knew she felt bad, doing everything she did, while I didn't do much of anything. I knew she felt like I was always waiting for her but in actuality she was always waiting for me, for me to do something. I was a disappointment to a girl like her even if she didn't know it. In the end she would end up resenting me because I held her back.

"Hey, Spike." Buffy called as Spike pushed past her.

"Oh, 'ello Buffy." Spike said, turning around.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Willow and I, we umm. Well I kind of." Spike stammered.

"Oh no, you didn't." Buffy pleaded.

"I did. I had to Buffy. I'm not good enough for her." Spike said.

"I need to go find Willow. Call me later if you need anything." Buffy said running off to find Willow.

I had called Buffy that night. Even asked her to come over. I just needed someone to reassure me that I had done the right thing. Buffy couldn't do that but she answered all my pathetic questions about everything.

Buffy and I started hanging out a lot after that. Maybe she felt sorry for me, I don't know. I didn't really care either, I needed a friend and there she was. I noticed her becoming distant with Willow; I just didn't know what to do about it. It wasn't exactly easy to bring up the women that still owned your heart. It hurt me to see her and not be able to touch her or even talk to her. She wasn't ready for that; she might never be ready for that.

I've heard the rumors about Buffy and me. I've heard how I "cheated on Willow." None of them are true. Buffy and I aren't a couple and probably never will be. It hurt me when Willow came up and asked simple "did you cheat on me?" I thought she would have known the answer. That I could never have done that to her. She looked at me with such distaste while asking the question. When I told her it wasn't true. She gave me a small smile and walked away.

I wanted to tell her so many things, but they wouldn't come out. She didn't want to hear them. They wouldn't mean anything now.

"I loved her, but I was only holding her back. It wouldn't have been fair to her if I stayed. I had to do it."

I tell myself these things over and over again because no matter how many times I say them or think them, they never seem good enough.

I didn't want to do it. It wasn't fair to her. I stole her heart and best friend in one crashing swoop, but I didn't want to do it.

A/N: OK, yes well I wasn't going to write this but I was trying to write something for History and you all know history and me. A story always comes instead of the essay. Please review and tell me what you think.