A Quick Chat
This fic is for the fic rush on the KaixRei mailing list. I decided to make it all dialogue, because I'm such a show-off! Just kidding, I just like the way it reads.
" Look at these magazines. Look! This one's almost ten years old!"
" Ugh. Check out the fashions. So much neon…"
" You're being so bloody childish. You got something to say to me, you should just say it!"
" I'm being childish? Rei, I can't say anything to you without you having a fit of hysterics. That's why we're here."
" That's how I discuss things, Kai. I scream and shout and throw stuff. That's how humans react to their unreasonable partners!"
" Human, really? And what was your defence again? Something like, ' I couldn't help it, it's in my nature.' Don't accuse me of having less than human feelings."
" What was that?"
" What the hell is taking so long? Our appointment was for three, right? Why are we still waiting?"
" She has other clients. These things take time."
" Kai, I don't want to be here! Let's just go. We can sort this out some other way, okay?"
" No. We need a referee."
" God Dammit!"
" Mr Hiwatari and Mr Kon? Dr. Ellison is ready for you now."
" Come on, Rei. Don't forget, I'm paying for this."
" Don't use that to make me feel guilty! It was your choice to pay for it!"
" Mr Hiwatari, Mr Kon, thank you for being here."
" Yeah, bet you're really happy to see more mugs with deep pockets…"
" Now, now, Kai. You must allow your partner to speak his mind without interrupting. We'll start right away. Kai, why don't you tell me why you're here?"
" Well, just recently we've been arguing more than is usual for us. I started seeing a therapist for help with some anger management issues, but it seems that my therapy is bringing out the worst in Rei."
" Oh, that's rich…"
" Rei, you'll get your turn. Kai, continue."
" It started with a discussion over the laundry. It was Rei's turn to wash our clothes, and he put my favourite shirt in the tumble dryer. It shrunk, and I was upset, but I attempted to bring the matter to light in a calm, but firm fashion."
" For God's…
" How did Rei respond?"
" He handcuffed himself to the radiator."
" Was this an isolated incident? "
" No. It was the start of seriously subversive behaviour on his part. My therapist calls it 'acting out.'"
" Why don't you just marry the bitch?"
" Rei, please. Kai, go into details."
" We were at a restaurant about a week later. Rei's always been a little fidgety, but this was unreal. He just couldn't sit still. I asked him to sit still, and he responded by leaving the restaurant. But not before setting off the fire extinguisher. When I asked him why he'd done it, he said he barely touched it."
" That's true! Damn thing set itself off…"
" And was it a specific occurrence that brought you here?"
" Yes. It was Mr Chirpy."
" Mr Chirpy?"
" My therapist suggested I get a pet. And since my bit beast is a bird, I thought my pet should be too."
" Christ! Dranzer is a phoenix, the symbol of life after death and eternity! Mr Chirpy was a canary!"
" That's not the point! Why shouldn't I have a canary?"
" Because it's ridiculous, that's why! You're the captain of the Blade Breakers, veteran of the Abbey, an all-round hard ass! Why would you want a canary?"
" However you felt about Mr. Chirpy, there was no excuse for what you did!"
" And what did Rei do?"
" He ate the canary!"
" I swallowed the canary! It lived, didn't it?"
" Just barely! And I had to give him away."
" I told you before, why would you get a bird when your partner is a Neko-jin?"
" Oh, here we go. You blame everything that goes wrong on being a Neko-jin! ' Oh Kai, I didn't mean to knock over all the good china! But I needed to sleep on that nice, high shelf!' I can take the fact that you hiss at dogs, that you eat sushi late at night, that you fall asleep if I leave you alone for more than ten minutes! But I can't handle you eating live birds, especially my pets!"
" I've never eaten live birds before, I told you! One minute I was tapping the cage, the next it was slipping down my throat…"
" Spare me the details, please."
" Why did you eat the bird, Rei?"
" Swallowed! I don't know. I hated it from day one. Why couldn't you have gotten a normal pet? A guinea pig, a rabbit, a pot-bellied pig! How about a snake? Snakes are cool!"
" If I want a canary, I should have a canary! I wanted a canary!"
" All right. Let's move on. Kai, I want you to tell me five things you dislike about Rei."
" What good will that do? Kai, don't answer."
" I don't like his hair."
" I don't like the way you wear your hair."
" But you don't have a problem running your fingers through it in the heat of passion? Why you…"
" I hate that wrap thing you use during the day. Once, just once, I wish you'd leave it loose."
" You're neurotic…"
" Oh, you're one to talk…"
" It's true, and don't deny it. You've got no problem eating live canaries…"
" … but you freak out when I even say the word cucumber! What's that about?"
" I do not freak out…"
" Cucumber, cucumber, cucumber…"
" Gah! Stop it!"
" And turnips too. I can't even ask you to turn up the hem of your trousers…"
" Okay, okay, I get it!"
" You flirt with other men."
" I do not…"
" The White Tigers, two of the Demolition Boys, three of the Majestics, two of the All-stars, Mr. Dickinson…that one really creeps me out… the tournament announcer at every regional finals, the freakin' pizza delivery boy, that guy in my therapist's waiting room while I was there! Need I go on?"
" I'm just being polite…"
" My ass. I try not to dwell on it, they all know I'd kill 'em for looking twice… you keep breaking things."
" That's not my fault! I'm clumsy!"
" No way. I've seen you fall out of a tree and land on your feet. You just like breaking things, admit it!"
" That's unfair and untrue…"
" You like throwing anything breakable at me when we fight! What's that about?"
" So I have a destructive streak. Sue me."
" You use the fact that you're a Neko-jin to explain all your less-than-desirable behaviour. You break something, it's because it had a funny light so you had to pounce on it. I find you still awake at three in the morning, it's because you're nocturnal. You fall asleep during the middle of training, it's because you were up all night practicing because you're nocturnal. It's so annoying."
" Now, Rei. Why don't you tell us five things you don't like about Kai?"
" He's a geek."
" You disguise it well, but you're such a geek."
" Oh, come on!"
" It took you, what, a year to tell me you liked me? And you wouldn't even hold my hand in public! You pour yourself into your training, you've got hardly any social life, and your best friends are fanatics too. You're such a geek."
" Says the social butterfly…"
" You're too damn miserable!"
" Everything that goes wrong is always ten times worse for you. I break the plates, it's a disaster because you ordered them out of some catalogue from Eastern Russia that took you three months to receive. I'm awake at three in the morning, it's terrible for you because you can hear me tiptoeing around the place. You're such a drama queen."
" If anyone's a drama queen, it's you!"
" Hey, who decided he needed a therapist so badly because of the terrible childhood he endured? For God's sake, your grandfather wasn't a monster, he was just strict! In our village, the elders would have called him a soft touch! And he had a slight case of megalomania, so what? Get over it already!"
" Rei, this is a sensitive area…"
" You called me neurotic, I give as good as I get. I hate your shirt."
" What's wrong with my shirt?"
" You're neither a professional wrestler or a member of the Village People. Get some sleeves, for heaven's sake!"
" Commenting on dress sense now, are we? I wouldn't if I were you…"
" You can't drive."
" Says who?"
" Says me. You know the thirty miles an hour is just a guideline. It's certainly not an excuse to go twelve miles an hour. You take far too long to park, double checking the locks is a waste of time, and you badger me when I get behind the wheel. That's my last point, you're an insatiable critic."
" Oh, really?"
" Yes. You criticize me every day, every hour, you would every minute if we didn't have to eat and sleep. You bitch about my cooking, my cleaning, my eating habits, my sleeping habits, my social life, my posture, my dress sense, my bad habits, my good habits… I don't think there's anything about me you haven't complained about at one point or another! And you wonder why I throw stuff at you? It's difficult to envision any redeeming qualities you see in me at all."
" Don't say that. I love you, I love everything about you."
" Then why do you jump down my throat at every opportunity?"
" I don't know… I didn't realise it bothered you so much…
" I have a question for you, Rei."
" Are you satisfied with the size of Kai's penis?"
"… Where did that come from?"
" What kind of question is that?"
" Snakes and cucumbers have featured very heavily in your discussion. Both are traditional phallic symbols."
" That's hitting below the belt…"
" Yes, I'm happy with it. Although…"
" Although what?"
" Well, you can be a bit… forceful. It would be nice if you could be gentler. It's my rear end, not some dry wall to be hammered."
" You never complained before."
" I like sleeping with you, it's not the kind of thing you say during the heat of passion. Of course, when I find it hard to walk for the next two days…"
" I've had enough! We're going!"
" But we were making progress…"
" I don't care. I'll pick up some plates for you to throw at me on the way home. Let's go."