Little Juan and a Forty Ounce
By Nate Anderson


Setting: The balcony off of a hotel penthouse.


Max enters through the double doors. He walks to the balcony railing, and looks out.

MAX: Oh Margaret, why did you have to go marry that schmuck Jay from accounting? Wasn't I good enough for you? Who am I kidding? I was too tied up in my shows to give her the attention she needed.

Dirk enters through the double doors with two drinks and walks over to Max.

DIRK: I figured I'd find you out here. Margaret's breaking up with you still bugging you?

MAX: Thank you for pouring salt into my wounds.

DIRK: Sorry. Here have a drink.

MAX: What did the producers think of my new script?

DIRK: They didn't like it. They think they're losing your edge.

MAX: I'm not losing my edge. I have plenty of edginess.

DIRK: That's not what they said. They said that your plays are getting too ambitious. They think that a theatrical adaptation of "Gladiator" is not what the audiences are looking for right now. They're still in the red from "Armageddon"

MAX: What do they know? Did you shop it around?

DIRK: Yeah, but no one's biting. Have you ever considered doing something original?

MAX: Occasionally. But theatrical adaptations are my trademark.

DIRK: Perhaps you need to try something new.

MAX: Perhaps. Dirk, I have faith in you. You can find me a producer, I just know it!

DIRK: But-I don't know Max-

MAX: Dirk, we've known each other for a long time-since we went to Rushmore together.

DIRK: Yeah, and in that time we have forged a relationship that has lasted us all these years.

MAX: You know I appreciate your friendship.

Margaret enters through the double doors, accompanied by Jay.

MAX: Jay Ziegler. I should've known.

JAY: Hello Max.

MAX: Margaret, I can't believe you left me for him.

MARGARET: Actually, Max, he kinda dumped me. I drug him along so he could see your reaction.

MAX: Really?

JAY: Yes, really.

MAX: That's wonderful news. Who's the unlucky woman Jay?

MARGARET: An old flame by the name of Sierra Jones. Perhaps you've heard of her.

MAX: I recognize the name. A news announcer, right?

JAY: Yes that's right. I'm quite proud of her accomplishments.

MAX: BOR-ing!

MARGARET: Max, behave yourself.

MAX: Me behave? He's standing there drooling over the girl he dumped you for, and you're telling me to behave?

MARGARET: You know what? Just because he dumped me doesn't mean I'm coming running back to you!

MAX: What's that supposed to mean?

MARGARET: Max Fischer, you can be so thick sometimes! I swear! You're self-centered, egotistical, have an interesting sense of style, and a tendency to fall for women that are too good for you!

MAX: One woman. It was only one woman! Miss Cross, remember?

MARGARET: I remember all too well. I tired of being your conciliation prize Max!

Margaret stomps over to where Jay is standing.

MARGARET: And as for you, Miss Sierra Jones can keep you, you whiney pussy! (Acting whiney) "Oh, why did my dad fake his death and disappear for ten years?! Oh, when I was ten a bully stole my dad's telescope from me, and while I was trying to get it back, I fell from a tree house and was in a coma for two years!" Geez, get over it man! You're a broken record!

Margaret stomps off through the double doors and off stage.

DIRK: Jay man! I had no idea you had such a weird childhood.

JAY: Yeah, well, it was different-

MAX: Yeah-I guess I had you pegged wrong man.

JAY: Nah, it was all right, I guess.

MAX: Hey, have you ever tried acting?

JAY: Why do you ask?

MAX: I'm thinking of a new play. Very ambitious. Dual Live action and video feed. But with a sense of reality to it.

DIRK: What's the plot?

MAX: Well Jay here inspired it. It's about a boy who wants desperately to join this tree house club, but they want his dad's old telescope, which is very sacred to Jay, because his dad is dead. He goes to give it to the bullies, but they steal it and lock him out of the tree fort. He has friend, who just happens to be walking by-

DIRK: Classic

MAX: --distract them while he sneaks back up to the tree house to get the telescope. The bullies see him and run back up to the tree house. Jay tries to escape using the rope tied to the side of the tree house, and ends up falling. He hits his head on a log and ends up in a coma.

JAY: Okay--what happens next?

MAX: Intermission.

JAY: And after intermission?

MAX: He's on an elevator going down. He finds himself in a strange world where there are no adults. He meets up with two others named--umm--Alpha and Flash, who coincidentally look exactly like his friend and the leader of the bullies. You see, the remainder of the play takes place in his subconscious, and we occasionally go to the video to see what's happening in the real world.

DIRK: Genius! Pure Genius! What's the title?

MAX: I've been thinking--perhaps "The Jellybean Odyssey"?

JAY: Ugh! That's a terrible title! How about just "The Odyssey"?

MAX: That's sounds a lot better!

DIRK: I agree.

Max, Jay, and Dirk walk off through the double doors as the lights dim.

MAX: Now, Jay, I see you playing the boy's father, who it turns out isn't really dead.

JAY: Why can't I play the boy? I still have my youthful good looks.

MAX: Because Dirk is playing the boy. I have to make it up to him for making him play the cop dressed as a nun in "Serpico."

JAY: But I was the one who actually lived the events that you're portraying your play on! I should get to play the lead.

MAX: Don't start with me!

THE END