Title: Deep Cries Unto Deep
Author: M.
Feedback: Sure!
Rating: PG Pairing: Samantha/Other Unrequited
Characters: Samantha Mulder, Martouf mentioned, Selmak mentioned
Keywords: Alternate Universe, Crossover, 1st Person
Spoilers: None.
Series: Homecoming
Disclaimers: Stargate? Not mine. The X-Files? Not mine.
Summary: In her way, she's always loved Martouf.
Author's Note: I honestly had doubted ever doing anything with this series beyond what I had but apparently Samantha isn't done with it yet. She had me go back and revise Thoughts Of Home as well. Just to...update it a bit. The name of Samantha's symbiote btw? Thought of prior to my LOTR lurve so...a coincedence.

"Deep Cries Unto Deep"
by M.
In my way, I have always loved Martouf.

From the moment that I stumbled through the underbrush on that alien world, a terrified little girl running from her alien captors, and fell at his and Selmak's feet, I have loved him. I remember his kind, but very bewildered gaze, staring down at me as I begged and pleaded them not to let the bad men get me. Remember his gentleness as he questioned me as to who I was running from. Who were the bad men. His soft voice as he managed to work out that I was running from the Asgard rebels. The aliens who, with my father's help, had stolen me - and others - from my home world. Most of all, most of all, I remember his arms holding me as I cried. Cried because of the tests. Cried because I wanted to go home and cried harder because I couldn't go home. Even then I knew. If I did. My father would only let them take me again.

It was Selmak who convinced the Tok'ra High Council to let me stay but it was Martouf who told me.

I have always loved him but the moment I realized it was when he quite sadly explained the Tok'ra couldn't take me home because they didn't know where my home was. I didn't know what the thing they called a Stargate was much less that there was one on my homeworld or that there were specific symbols that would let me go there. They couldn't use that to send me home and they didn't know where my planet was. They'd never heard of an 'Earth' and didn't know how to get me there. It was known to the Tok'ra that the Asgard rebels were searching for a specific planet but where that planet was...that was something the Rebels kept very much to themselves and since the Rebels hated the Goa'uld and the Goa'uld hated the Asgard in any form...there was no way to find out. I will always remember the sadness in his voice when he explained all of these things to me, saying how very much he wanted to help me find my homeworld again but that they didn't know how. I also remember the shock on his face when I calmly explained that was okay. I didn't want to go back anymore anyway. What shocked me, was that I meant it. I missed Fox. I missed Mommy. I missed cartoons and I missed my friends but...I didn't want to go back. I was happy to stay right where I was.

I always loved him but I wasn't a fool. I knew he and Jolinar were very much in love. I understood the relationships among the Tok'ra. The hosts, the symbiotes and the intermingling of it. I accepted early on that there was no way I would ever be anything more than little Samantha. The alien stray he and Selmak had brought home. I accepted it without bitterness. It wasn't his fault that I loved him so. I don't even think he was aware of it. Jolinar was. She knew just by looking at me. Saw it in my eyes no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Mercifully, she never said anything. Didn't acknowledge it even to me. I think she understood. Knew what it would do to me to have what I thought I had so carefully hidden from them to be revealed. I think she could see how it would be to be in my place and, thus, said nothing.

To this day, I am grateful that I became Eowyn's host when I did. The timing could not have been better. Suddenly there was someone in my mind, a friend who I had long known in her previous host and respected. Loved even. She is my dearest friend. It is something only another Tok'ra would understand. What it is to have her in my mind, to feel what I feel, know what I know, and to empathize with me...To be lonely with me.

I credit her friendship with so much more than just helping me deal with my feelings for Martouf. Eowyn has helped me with many things. My resentment of my father, my homesickness, the longing to see Earth again...she has become an extension of me and I of her. I know she, and I too, believe we are closer than even some of the other Tok'ra hosts and symbiotes. There is a uniqueness to us. Perhaps it is arrogant to say, but we both believe that we have come closer to true symbiosis than any of our colleagues. Even Martouf and Lantesh cannot claim it as we do.

It was Eowyn's strength that I drew on when Jolinar did not come back from that final mission. She supported me and I supported Martouf. She helped keep me together so that I could help him. Lantesh was doing the same for Martouf I know. There is much of that time I don't truly recall as I retreated to let Eowyn speak. I know from conversation with Lantesh that Martouf did the same. The loss of Jolinar and her host Rosha caused them both to grieve deeply. It is a pain I doubt they will ever truly recover from. I know how it felt to lose my home. I have never truly recovered from it. I know I would never truly heal from the lost of Martouf now. Martouf and Lantesh in their way. Knowing that...I expect, is why they both have come to depend on Eowyn and I as they do. Depend on us for our counsel, our companionship and, sometimes, just our presence. I cannot count the hours we have simply sat in silence. A presence in the room to keep the darkness at bay.

I love him more now than I ever did before. Before, it was the worshipful love of a child for her hero. He rescued me from the Rebels and gave me a new family and a new home with the Tok'ra. It is because of him, I believe, that I am still here. That Eowyn is within me and that I lead the life I do. In a way, he will always be that little girl's hero but the woman in me. The woman that I have become...her love for Martouf is different. It is imperfect, it sees his flaws, it sees his pains, it sees the darkness that is within us all. It understands it. I know now what it means to be Tok'ra and my empathy for his life and who he is supplements that love. It is okay if he never loves me as I do him. I have long since come to terms with that. My love for him has become a part of me and it is a part I am proud of. Whether he will ever see, experience or return it...that remains to be seen.

But if he doesn't...It is still deep within me and always will be.

I have grown to accept that, in my way, I will always be alone. Even with Eowyn, even with her presence, I am unique among the Tok'ra and I walk that path without bitterness. I have long since abandoned such feelings about my life. They are irrelevant to my purposes as Tok'ra. In it's way, my love for Martouf...it serves me will in my life and in what I have to do. It is a part of my strength just as, within him, his love for Jolinar is his. And in this...there is symmetry.