The One Where Ross and Rachel Got Married

Disclaimer: I think it's entirely fair to mention that I own none of the Friends characters, situations, or anything like that. I'm just the one girl who was extremely bored while her Internet was down and who happened to be watching her Friends DVDs and wondered what happened in the way she describes it

Author's Note: Yes, I am aware that it's not all that great, but points for the longest title I've ever had. Sigh...And it's my first attempt at something completely non-Buffy/Angel, and it's kinda late (and very early) when I'm writing this, so if its extremely sucky then I apologize.

"The loud noises stopped playing their music," Rachel Green stated with slight disappointment as she and Ross Geller left the casino part of Caesar's Palace.

Ross nodded in agreement. "That's what happens when there's no more money," he declared as he stumbled to the other side of the hallway and into Rachel.

"Phew," Rachel exclaimed as she stopped short and began scrutinizing Ross's face. She gave a few small sniffs than opened Ross's mouth and repeated her sniffing. "We have got to do something about that," she said in a slightly bossy tone of voice.

"You don't like my teeth?" Ross asked in disbelief.

Rachel nodded. "I hate them," she declared strongly.

"You wish they were gone?"

Rachel's over excited and enthused nods stopped and she began vigorously shaking her head back and forth. She frowned and her facial expression hinted that she was about to start whining once again. "I'm bored," she declared. "We're broke and I'm bored. Any ideas?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Ross exclaimed as he began waving his arm around in front of his face with the excitement that his son Ben would probably have about going to Disneyland. "I have an idea!"

"I could have told you that," Rachel mumbled as she slumped down and sat along the floor of the hotel and rested her head against the walls. "What's this 'oh-so-great' idea, Mr. Ross?" she asked as she glanced up at the man she had once dated.

Ross giggled at the mere thought of his plan to cure boredom. "We should eat a lot of grapes," he announced proudly.

"Eat a lot of grapes?" Rachel repeated with a slightly disgusted look on her face. Her perfectly waxed eyebrows were both arched as she wondered if her former boyfriend was actually serious about this. "You're serious?" she asked a moment later.

"Uh, yea!" Ross said as if eating all the grapes were a logical choice of action. "It'd be funny and I don't see you coming up with any better ideas!"

"Well, um, ok," Rachel began as she was once again at a loss for words. She bit her upper lip in thought for a moment.

"Well," Ross prompted as he moved his hands in a circular motion in front of him.

"Give me a minute!" Rachel snapped. "I'll think of something!"

"Something funnier than eating a whole bunch of grapes?" Ross asked in pure doubt as he examined his former girlfriend.

"Totally," Rachel announced. "Anything's better than that!"

"Like for instance," Ross continued as he tried to coax the thought out of Rachel. In his eyes, he was wasting perfectly good minutes that he could have been using to eat grapes.

"I got it!" Rachel said after another couple of seconds. "We could get married."

"Married?" Ross asked with a slight laugh. "You have got to be kidding me. Grapes are so much cooler."

"Getting married is funnier!" Rachel argued as she placed both her hands firmly on her hips. "And until we are married I am not doing anything with you or your damn grapes!"

"Well maybe I don't need you to have fun!" Ross shot back. "Maybe I could get someone else to eat grapes with me. Like Phoebe. She's a vegetarian."

"What the hell does being a vegetarian have to do with grapes?" Rachel asked. "Don't answer that. I'm gonna go find Joey and the two of us are getting married."

"No!" Ross said as he sat down next to Rachel. "I don't want you to get married to Joey. He's smelly and stupid."

Rachel frowned. "Well, well, well maybe I don't want to see you eat grapes with Phoebe." She let out a huge sigh as she looked around the empty hotel hallway. Empty of course except for her and Ross. "Now what?"

Ross smiled a little bit as the perfect solution came into his head. "I got it! How about we eat grapes then get married!"

Rachel shook her head violently in protest. "No, other way around," she declared. "Or I'm not doing it."

"Fine," Ross agreed with a reluctant sigh. "I'll get us some shoes and you call people," he added as he began searching his pockets for the hotel key. He pulled out a small rectangular object and began using it in attempt to open the door. "Why isn't it working?" he wondered aloud.

"Ross," Rachel began as she fought back the urge to laugh at the man she was going to marry.

"What?" Ross asked as he grew more frustrated with the lock.

"That's your Visa card," Rachel informed him as she whisked the card out of her fingers. She gave a small smile and retrieved a small white rectangular card from inside her bra. "This is the key. And I'm not calling anyone."

"Fine," Ross said again. "I'll call people and youÉI don't know. Keep track of that key," he said as the two of them entered into the hotel room. He walked across over to the phone. "Hello Vegas?" he asked with a giggle. "Yea, we'd like to get married. Can you tell my friend Pheebs? She'd like to know." He smiled triumphantly as he hung the phone back up.

"What'd they say?" Rachel asked curiously.

"Dooooooo," Ross replied as he mimicked the sound of the dial tone. He then exploded into a fit of laughter as if this were the funniest thing he had ever heard.

Rachel rolled her eyes in disgust. "Can you do anything right?"

Ross nodded. "There is a certain something you and I did two hundred and ninety-eight times that I happen to be very good at."

Rachel rolled her eyes once again as she picked up the phone and handed it to Ross. "Dial and call Phoebe, Joey, Monica, and Chandler," she commanded harshly as she sat down on the bed and began playing with some tissues and a hair tie.

"And while I do that, what will you do?" Ross asked as he looked over at Rachel as if she were insane.

"Make flowers for the wedding!" Rachel declared as she bunched a few tissues together and tied them together with the hair tie. "Look how pretty!" she added as she clapped her hands together in preschool anticipation and excitement.

"Hi," Ross said into the phone. "Rachel and I are getting married tonight and we'd like you to watch. Tell Monica."

"Lame," Rachel informed Ross as she grabbed the two tissue flowers she had been making. "But let's go get married!" she added before Ross could protest that his message was not lame.

"Hi," Ross said as he and Rachel stumbled into the lobby of the Little White Chapel just outside the casino. "We would like to get married," he said as he wrapped an arm around Rachel's shoulders and steadied her.

"Are you sure?" the receptionist asked warily as she looked at the couple in front of her. Definitely drunk, she noted of the two people in front of her.

"It was my idea," Rachel informed the woman proudly.

"Alright then," the receptionist said as she reached for a pen. "The groom's name?" she asked as she glanced up at Ross.

"It's a stupid name," Rachel whispered loudly.

Ross rolled his eyes and slapped at Rachel's hands. "It is so not a stupid name. It's Ross. Ross Geller."

"See, what'd I tell you?" Rachel asked the receptionist.

The woman said nothing only shook her head and mentally planned the best way to ask for a raise. "And your name, miss?" she asked Rachel.

"Rachel Green."

"Green like grapes!" Ross added with a laugh.

Rachel groaned as she turned to face Ross. "Will you just let it go? No grapes until we're married!" she argued as she turned back to the receptionist. "When can that be exactly?"

"Well, I can go get the minister," the receptionist began hesitantly for fear that Rachel might try and bite her head off or something to that effect.

"Ooh, that'd be great," Rachel said with a smile. "Why don't you do that?"

"Uh, Rach," Ross began as he waved his hand in front of Rachel's face.

"Uh, what?" Rachel asked back in slight annoyance.

"Are you forgetting that we told everyone else to come here and watch?" Ross asked. "So shouldn't we wait for them?"

Rachel stuck her lip out in a bratty pout so much in the same style that her sister Jill would do. "I did wait," she said. "But it took too long so let's go get married!"

Ross shrugged as he took Rachel's hands and walked her into the chapel part of the building where the receptionist was bringing the minister.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered--" the minister began slowly as he studied Ross and Rachel, wondering how soon it would be before the two of them divorced.

"Yea, we know that part," Rachel interrupted harshly.

"And no one else is gathered here except for us," Ross continued in the same annoyed manner as Rachel had been.

"So if you don't mind can you just skip to the 'I do's?" Rachel asked. "Thanks," she said a moment later without waiting for even the slightest intimation of an answer.

The minister shrugged, turned to Ross and began reciting, "Repeat after me. I, Ross," he began.

"No!" Ross argued. "I don't want to do it your stupid way. I'm gonna do it my way," he announced as he turned to Rachel. "Rachel," he began as he tried to think of what exactly "his way" was. "Um, Rachel, I always liked you and you know that. You're really hot, um, great in bed, and after I do this you promised to eat a lot of grapes with me. Um, in return, I promise to, uh, read the Sex for Dummies book someone gave me and pick out the best grapes." He looked over at Rachel's face where the marker-drawn beard and moustache as he fought the urge not to laugh at his work again. "I also promise never to draw on you with a marker," he added lamely. "Ok, your turn!"

Rachel rolled her eyes as she thought of what she should say. "Um, Ross, you're kind of a dork. No, wait, you are a dork. But there is not much to do and I like you a lot even though you are obsessed with grapes and you draw on me. So I will marry you, Ross, and I promise to express the physical act of love with you whenever I want to. And we can eat grapes at our private reception which Monica can pay for," she finished with a triumphant smile.

"Why Monica?" Ross asked curiously.

Rachel shrugged. "Well 'cause you lost all your money to me in that fake casino and Monica's on the groom side so she gets to pay for things," she said with a giggle. She then turned to the minister. "You can, uh, say we're married now," she began.

"By the power vested in me--"

"Skip that crap and say we're married and we can kiss," Ross commanded.

The minister rolled his eyes. "Do you want this done fast or do you want this done right?" he asked.

"Fast!" Ross yelled. "This marriage was her idea. I just want to eat grapes!"

"Fine," the minister snapped. "You too are now married and you can kiss."

Ross smiled as he looked down at Rachel, kissing her lightly on the cheek then vigorously on the lips. "Happy wedding!" he exclaimed happily as he began walking out of the room, stumbling on Rachel with every few steps.

The two of them pushed the doors open as they emerged from the chapel into the lobby part, oblivious to the fact that Monica Geller her boyfriend Chandler Bing were also in there. "Look at you, Mrs. Ross!" Ross exclaimed.

"And you, Mr. Rachel!" Rachel added as the two of them left the building and went in opposite ways around it to meet up at the other side.

Ross walked up to Rachel and tapped her shoulder lightly. "It's time to eat grapes," he whispered.

"Ok," Rachel said. "But where? The grocery stores are long closed and casino grapes would cost way too much. The only place that appears to be open is" She stopped mid-sentence and began scanning the area. "Pizza Hut," she announced a moment later.

"It wouldn't hurt to ask them if they had any," Ross replied as he grabbed Rachel's arm and walked over to Pizza Hut. "Hi," he said as he walked in and up to the counter.

"Hi," the woman behind the counter began. "Can I help you?"

Ross nodded. "Yes, yes, you can." He smiled as he wrapped an arm around Rachel's shoulders. "We just got married and now we would like to eat a lot of grapes."

"Um, congratulations," the woman began slowly, "but we don't carry grapes. We do have a newly wed special though. On the house."

Ross and Rachel shrugged. "Ok," they agreed.

As soon as they agreed, the woman left and went to the kitchen to place the order. She reappeared for a second. "You two can go sit down wherever you'd like," she explained. "Your food will be out in about ten minutes."

Ross smiled and walked over to one of the tables for two near a window. He pulled out a seat for Rachel and waited for her to sit down. After she did, he did the same thing on the other side. "Happy wedding," he toasted as he picked up the fork in front of him.

"You too," Rachel added as she picked up her knife and touched it against Ross's fork.