A one shot fic that was wrote... because... because I was trying to get into Anakin's head.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine... SW is GL's. Heehee. Not mine. Get used to it!
What's it like to turn to the Darkside? Why do people do such a thing? Standing on the brink of a knife, staring at the choices at hand, you wonder, don't you? You wonder why... why everything seems so wrong, and yet so right. I'm torn in half. Maybe not just in half, but into as many pieces as a puzzle that'll never be put together again.
On one hand, power-- the other-- life. Peaceful, cheerful-- the life of who I could've once been. But not now. I didn't ask to be the Chosen One, I didn't ask to be torn between my Master, Padmé, and the Darkside. And now I am, being pulled in every direction.
Padmé... how can I do this without Padmé? I know that if I turn, I will no longer have the Jedi restrictions-- our love will no longer be a secret. But will there be time? I love her, how can I escape that?
Power... is power what I really want? Or is it just peace, a simple life that can no longer be held. It's not going to surface if I choose to hide away in some corner away from everything that's happening. But can power be the answer to my problems, or will it cause more darkness, more anger, and more chaos then was known before?
And what about Obi-Wan? By turning, I risk the betrayal there-- he'll never leave the Jedi. He's too loyal to their cause. Can't he see what's happening to me? I can't do this! Not when it means betraying the only friend I've ever truly had in this new world... he trained me.
He's holding me back! He must be. He can see what power I have, what it can be used for. He's a fool, afraid of what I can do. He has to be afraid, why else would he hold me back? But... he's not just a fool. He's a friend. Even if he'll never understand why I love Padmé. Why I care for her so deeply.
I remember dreaming-- I seen her leading an army into battle not long after I met her. I remember it so distantly-- was it that many years ago? But I remember her so clearly, remember what happened then. What would've Qui-Gon done in Obi-Wan's place here? Would I still be held back into this small nest, from fear of what could happen?
I know now that what I see did happen. Padmé wants peace too... I see it in her eyes. She dreams of the peacefulness of Naboo before all of this happened. The question now is 'what if'. What if the Trade Federation had never attacked Naboo and none of this had happened? Oh, that what if is too far away though... I can't imagine a life without Padmé. I can't imagine not being where I am, standing in Coruscant, watching speeders fly by as I think on what I'm planning to do.
The Darkside... it's there. Is it my answer? Why couldn't I just disappear, go to Tatooine, return home? Why couldn't I...
Oh, it's all too plain why none of the other answers would work. But why can't they? Surely there's another way. But this seems so simple... it seems to cause the least pain. Why can't I see the puzzle pieces fit together in this web? I don't want to betray Obi-Wan... he's too close of a friend. I didn't want to be Chosen, to have such powers as I have, and such a choice before me of how to use them.
I'm torn into pieces, staring out this window. I don't know what will happen if I accept this power, and become who I should've been, had I not been who I am. I love Padmé, but to break a bond like that I have to Obi-Wan... which is worse? Continuing to lie, to deceive people... or to face life without Padmé? How can hate solve that? My hate is just as likely to harm Padmé if I fall into it?
Is being held back all that bad?
Questions fill me now, almost as bad as the feeling of being ripped in half by what I'm doing, by this shadow I'm falling into. No matter what happens now, I'll always be like this, torn between so many different things. I have power in front of me, I just have to step out and take it. I could save people, people that I was too weak to save before... like my mother. She died because of me, I know it. I won't let that happen again!
Or will I?
If I let this happen, people are going to die who shouldn't have. How am I to decide who lives and who dies? Who am I to choose this path?
But I can't talk to Obi-Wan... he'll never understand.
I'm not so sure that I understand.
A hand touches my shoulder softly, and I turn around to stare into Padm's eyes. Why does love have to tear you into so many pieces. Soft eyes, pitying... she's not Force-sensitive, but surely she's noticed my mood by now. The expression on my face reveals it, the torn feeling.
I merely stare at her, and wonder which path I have to choose, and why I have to choose it. Can't this moment be suspended forever in the nets of time, where no choice had to be taken, and I can love Padmé without the hurt that will come from it?
Love, honor, or power?