Author's Note: Not advised for those of ignorant minds who cannot handle this type of humor.
Important- I really don't know what Blaise Zabini's real gender is and honestly, I don't give a damn if Blaise is a he/she/it/chicken/llama in the Harry Potter books. I needed him/her/it/chicken/llama to be female in this fanfiction story, so a female, he/she/it/chicken/llama will be.
Otherwise, Happy reading. Remember to rate/review.
Disclaimer: All characters, exempting Daria Malfoy, are property of J.K Rowling. This disclaimer goes for all chapters cause I'm too lazy to type it again.
Title: Arousing The Unknown
Chapter One- Daria
It never took me more than a millisecond to realize that looking at old witches' leggings was not a pleasant sight to the eye. Especially, if she was bending down and one's eyes just happen to have swept across. Dear Merlin, the sight nearly blinded my eyes. The folds and wrinkles of her rough, cracked skin was more than enough to send me hurling my dinner out. It was gruesome enough that the woman was old and any guy my age did not deserve the horrible sighting, but that the fact that she is of my kindred, my aunt, did more damage than bearable.
However, it wasn't until that she announced the news that sent even chills down my spine and mind you, Draco Malfoy does not get chills; he gives others chills. Do you see the irony of this situation? What can be so horrible that even Draco Malfoy gets goose bumps when even the pansy Voldemort himself doesn't even prick his skin? Alas, yes, the hearsay was true, unfortunately for me. Oh how I would spend the next days moping around my great mansion, walking the vast hallways and trying for inspirations to dishearten her, to discourage her, that for once, she has surpassed such ludicrous thoughts that I would never thought possible. After all, the woman is off her knockers many a years ago, and over the years, I think her brain deflated more and more, until it was nothing but a shriveled raisin. But of all things, why it must be this? The inanity of this reason is probably beyond words.
My mouth is still hung open, wide, virtually touching the plush carpet. My eyes were bulging out, shocked beyond belief, and ears, not quite hearing the sounds around me. The speechlessness of me has left others profound. I knew my brain was functioning, but I could not register the string of words that flowed out of my aunt's chalky, thin lips.
"Draco, are you all right?" My aunt said in her high, squeaky voice, waving her hand infront of me. I did not blink; I could not blink.
Maybe it's the verity that is from my father's side of the family that she is so delirious. I mean, I heard about all the psychopaths that developed within that side of the family. It amazes me to this day that she is not enrolled in St. Mungo's. I should write a letter of recommendation.
"Daria, I believe your declaration has left him mortified." I heard my mother say somewhere in the distance. "Give him time so his sluggish mind can comprehend your words."
"I don't see what is so shocking about me teaching at Hogwarts." My aunt, Daria Malfoy said abruptly.
Teaching at Hogwarts... Teaching... at... Hogwarts... Hogwarts... Hogwarts... "No!"
"Oh look, his mind started to function again." Mother pointed out. She glanced at the grandfather clock. "And it only took him fifteen minutes, what a record." She clapped her hands in artificial surprise. My mother can be the most sarcastic, egoistical woman ever; after all, her name did sprung from the word narcissistic, a synonym for wicked spite the self-centered meaning.
"No!" I shouted again. "You cannot teach at Hogwarts aunt Daria!"
My aunt raised a pale eyebrow. "Why not?"
"Because... Because you're not suited for teaching..."
"Ridiculous Draco! How hard can teaching be?"
"The students are evil, they'll torture you!"
"I have you to protect me from those little kids, right Draco-Waco?"
"No I won't—" The death glare from my mother was enough to make me stop dead in my tracks. Didn't my mother hear what that vile woman called me? Draco-Waco! I haven't been called that since I was five years old and even then, it was utterly humiliating for a boy of my status!
"Would you not reconsider?" I asked firmly. "Teaching is harder than you think."
This woman will be the death of me. Dying from embarrassment, shame, and degradation of my pride. What will the Slytherins think of their Prince when they heard Daria calling me Draco-Waco during class? They will no longer fear me, no longer be intimidated by me. Next thing I know, posters of me dressed up, as a baby might be plastered all over the school! (I would be a devilishly beautiful baby, but it would be downright embarrassing.) I will be the laughingstock of the entire school! And the lowly, filthy blood Gryffindors, they will find pleasure in this. I cannot let that happen.
"Not with the course I'm teaching. As a matter of fact, Dumbledore was quite surprised at my knowledge of the topic." She boasted proudly. "It'll be fun Draco."
Throwing you off the Astronomy Tower would be fun. "And what might that course be aunt Daria?"
"Oh!" She clapped her hands with glee as her ancient structured bones bounced up and down with excitement.
In the corner of my eyes, I saw Mother smiling deviously. If mother ever smiled at all, it would only be a devious smile; I would love a Gryffindor before Mother actually smiles sincerely.
I focused my eyes on Daria who was still happily bouncing up and down. I squinted my eyes as I imagined her old bones being pried off their hinges and joints and falling apart, crumbling down, and then smothered into ashes.
"Draco, Draco, Draco." Daria chanted, still clapping her hands. "I'm going to teach you young kids sex education! Won't this be fun!"
Oh... sex education... "Sex education!" This woman is mad! Deranged, simply deranged! "You're joking...right?" I laughed nervously.
"Wha-wha-wha..." I slithered down to the armchair next to me. "Since when... did we...?"
"When I suggested it to Dumbledore!"
Okay, Draco. I told myself. She is family. You must resist the urge to strangle your family member, especially an old one.
"What! You are crazy!" I jumped out of the chair. "You cannot teach sex education!"
"And why not?" She huffed, crossing her arms defiantly.
"You're old! Ancient! The last time you probably had sex was when they held the Salem Witch Trials! Sex back then did not count! It wasn't even called sex! It was just humping a tree!"
Daria opened her mouth in shock. "Why, I never!" She turned directly to my mother. "Do you hear what your son is saying!"
Mother yawned. "Ah yes, sex back then isn't like what it is now Daria. The things these kids do." She shuddered. "Even gives me the hives thinking about it."
She looked at me, "Maybe you should help her Draco. With these rumors I've been hearing from your female classmates."
I did not know it was possibly for me, Draco Malfoy to blush. It would be a compliment to hear that my ranking in bed is well known, but to hear it from my mother, ugh, dear Merlin. I turned to my aunt who is absolutely fuming. Maybe she won't bother to teach now.
"I'm telling you aunt Daria. I don't think it's a good idea." I told her mildly, trying to stay calm.
She gave me the infamous Malfoy sneer that even she can still portray. "You think I can't do this. Well, I'll show you Draco Malfoy. You kids sure as hell don't know anything about safety in bed."
"No! I did not mean it like that aunt Daria. I'm not saying you can't teach, I'm just asking why are you teaching at Hogwarts? Why not the other schools?" I gave her my best Malfoy-puppy face, which is actually quite convincing to the female species. I wonder if my aunt counts though.
She looked at me, frowning. "Well..." She started slowly.
Come on, you old dingbat!
"Nope, I don't think I can teach at other schools."
"Well, how about Defense Against the Dark Arts then? We haven't gotten a good teacher for years." I suggested.
"I don't know why you're so against me for teaching. It would do you good, I tell you."
"No, I'm sure as hell it won't." I muttered. "Intolerable woman."
I wandered aimlessly through the hallways of the mansion. The incensing sun outside did nothing to melt the cold atmosphere inside. Mother had gone out to lunch, and aunt Daria, Merlin knows where she is. The mansion was basically devoid of any soul; there were the house elves, but they're such dirty creatures. It's not like they have souls. I kept wondering if aunt Daria accidentally fall down the stairs and maybe break a leg or two, an arm wouldn't hurt; would she refrain from teaching? Better yet, have green boils grow all over her face. Maybe she would be too ashamed to face the world.
I groaned. It would not work. She probably would flounce about proudly. How am I to get rid of her? Get Snape? Fuck, Snape would be scared of her too. She would actually make Snape sit still so she can wash his greasy hair with shampoo and force a comb through those knots.
This is inequitable,
Discrimination against me,
Ruining my school year,
Insinuation towards evil! (I am evil, but come on now; even I would not put students through this kind of torture. Facing Voldemort would be more fun.)
"What is evil Draco?"
I recognized her voice instantly.
"What is evil Draco?" She repeated.
I turned around. "School is evil. It's evil for letting you teach."
"Stop with that nonsense." She laughed in her crow-like laughter. Gods, it sounds like an animal mating call.
"I have activities all planned out for you." Aunt Daria beamed. "We're going to color the reproduction organs with the new set of Montie's Crazy Coloring Crayons I just ordered for the whole class. Oh, I shouldn't be telling you this; I wanted to surprise you!"
One cannot imagine the revelation I was in. Color the reproduction organs? Montie's Crazy Coloring Crayons? Someone better Avada Kedavra me before I die from embarrassment. I would rather become bestfriends with Pothead than sit through a whole class, coloring a woman's vagina purple. That would be such a disturbing class. I gasped, fearing that Daria might make me hate sex forever.
It's insanity! Preposterous!
The women will forever go crazy because the almighty Draco Malfoy does not like sex! The world might never be the same again; it would collapse and end! I cannot let that happen! For once I have to be the hero and save the world!
"She's crazy. Crazy, I tell you!" I cried out to a childhood friend of mine, Blaise Zabini. "I knew Dumbledore was a crazy old bat, but I didn't think he was actually that much of a wanker to let my aunt, MY AUNT! To teach, out of all the damn subjects, SEX EDUCATION!"
"Don't let your knockers go all up in a twist." She said, twirling her blond curls with her fingers. "She's not that... bad."
I glared at her.
"Fine, fine! She's horrible!"
"Don't you remember the time she tried to teach me how to ride a broom?" I asked, pacing myself about the room.
"Yeah." The female Slytherin sniggered. "The broom drove itself all the way up your arse."
I grimed. "I rather not remember that experience Zabini. It wasn't... pleasant."
"Why not?" She batted her eyes innocently. "I thought men like you love that type of orgasm."
"Zabini..." I warned.
"Lighten up, stiffy." She grinned, getting up from the lounge chair. "School starts in two weeks and it would be hell before you ruin the last days of my summer."
"You aunt isn't teaching sex education."
"We'll handle her when school starts." She waved away the subject. "I heard you had received the Head-Boy status."
I nodded, failing to suppress the egomaniacal grin that stretched across my face. "Of course, the school clearly didn't want scar-face to represent them. They need a beautiful face, full of intelligence. Mine."
Zabini rolled her eyes. "You're full of shit."
"Yes, even my shit smells like a bed of roses."
"I also heard mudblood Granger got the Head-Girl status."
For the second time that day, shocked invaded me. It wasn't particularly the fact that she had gotten Head-girl status (the bitch is such a goody-two-shoes, kiss-ass to all the teachers, minus Snape), but it was knowing that I would have to work with her. Monitoring the hallways with her, talking to her, being around her, in her unruly, filthy presence. My year has gone down. Down in the shit.
"Oh poor boy," Zabini falsely sympathized. "Your year is going to suck."
If looks could kill, my eyes would penetrate two holes directly in Zabini's head. How dare she! This is unjust, simply unfair...iniquitous!
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse." I groaned, running my fingers through my silky blonde hair like a comb. "I'm going to be tainted with a putrid Gryffindor stink now, a mudblood Gryffindor stink.
"Stop emphasizing your words you big bloke and suck it up like a man, that is, if you are one."
"How dare you question my manliness? I'll accentuate whatever I want to."
I could've sworn I heard her muttering something along the line of... "Faggot... no sex... months..." If I were not a gentleman, I would surely choke her by now. But as all Malfoys are gentlemen, they would not hit a woman and Blaise is just barely making it.
"I am wasting my breath with your nonsense Malfoy." She stated matter-of-factly. "I am leaving now."
I wriggled my nose with annoyance. Only I can italicize my words, how that girl challenges my patience. "Then, by all means, go ahead."
Zabini stuck her nose pompously in the air as she strutted out the door. However, before her feet left the door frame, she turned her head around and grinned, her white teeth gleaming, "Just to let you know, Draco dearie, I am helping your aunt plan her year curriculum, so I advise you to watch your attitude."
"What's that suppose to mean Zabini?" I called after her, but she was already gone. That blasted woman Daria and her right-hand sidekick Zabini. They will pay.
The loud toot of the Hogwarts Express declared that it was, indeed time to board the train. I had my manservant carry my luggage and trunk to the Head-Boy and Head-Girl compartment. At last, my long awaited fate. Seeing Granger and her bushy head again. Strangely enough, Granger was not present by the time I reached our part of the train. I would assume that she would be there and ready to go back to Hogwarts so she can get her knowledge. Perhaps she is busy bodying her two homophile friends. I'm always wondering when they would be announcing their relationship to the world. It's not like half the school didn't already know.
Oh, speaking of the plebeians, here they come. Chatting away with such nonsense like yapping monkeys. Wow, wow, Granger has grown taller over the summer. Not bad, not bad at all.
"Merlin, Weasel, you actually look decent enough for me to wipe my pretty ass with."
"Sorry Malfoy," Potter remarked, glaring at me through his cheap glasses. "Ron is unavailable, he doesn't go in that direction."
"I'm rather touched by your remarkable bravery for defending your boyfriend."
"Shut it Malfoy!" Weasel growled. Where did this sudden burst of courage come from? Maybe from his scar face boyfriend, duh.
"Malfoy, if you would, remove yourself from our sight immediately." Granger gritted through clenched teeth. I turned towards her, noticing that her bushy brown hair was not quite as bushy, but the weight of her hair caused the strands to fall down in descending curls. She wasn't plain looking, but she wasn't the beauty queen either... her exquisiteness is rather... intriguing...
I scrutinized her, running my eyes up and down her figure. Like I said, not bad...improvement from last year, of course. At least I didn't have to spend the rest of the year working with a girl of... unattractive features...but she does have frustrating qualities. This, being one of them.
"Move it ferret." She said sternly.
"Should I?" I said, pushing her limits. "I am Head-Boy and it is my duty to see to the... inferior students."
"Alas," She frowned, placing her hands on her hips in a very Granger-like fashion. "I am Head-Girl and it is up to me to see that the idiotic Head-Boy is doing his duties. So move along now."
"You would want to watch your mouth Granger..."
"And what are you going to do?"
I advanced towards her, my thumb gently caressing her jaw line.
"Get away from her!" I heard Potter screamed somewhere in the distance.
"Malfoy, move the fuck away from her!" added in Weasel.
I, however, ignored them and continued to look at Granger directly in her eyes. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I whispered in her ear.
She stared at me with those huge caramel eyes of hers, never blinking. "Get away from me." She said softly. She blinked quickly and took a huge step back. "You disgusting fiend."
I simpered, showing her my world famous Malfoy smirk. "I'll be seeing you soon Granger." With that, I turned on the balls of my heels and walked away, making my way to the accommodating Head compartment.
In the distance, I could hear Pothead and Weasel asking her what happened.
"He's just a bloody idiot." I heard her replied.
Thinking to myself, I thought this is going to be one hell of a year.
I froze, a growing fear gnawing at my stomach. Please, dear god, please! I silently prayed. Please tell me no one heard that!
"Draco! Don't you hear me calling you boy!"
I turned around, apprehensive fear masked on my face. And there she was, in all her boisterous, humiliating glory. Aunt Daria. She was wearing an unexceptionally bright green robe with a black witch hat, and a pair of yellow boots that does not compliment her style at all. Of all Malfoys, I believe Aunt Daria is the only one who lacks any sense of fashion. Maybe Malfoy genes have malfunctioned. Her blonde hair is coarsely done, with many strands sticking out in random places. Her blue eyes have that crazy flickering in them and it would send any first years screaming for their mommies. Why did she have to ride the train! Why! Can this woman make my life any worse? Knowing her, she probably has ways... I mustered up all the dignity I had left and managed a SMALL smile. You would not notice it until you are within one millimeter away from my face.
"Do you know where lavatory is? I have the biggest urge to go."
I was afraid to scrunch up my face in disgust; it might develop ugly lines on my face. "It's down that way." I pointed to the end of the train.
"Thank Draco-Waco." She grinned as she pinched my cheek playfully. "I'm sitting near the front. Come join me later."
Like hell I would. "Aunt Daria, for the sake of my reputation, would you not call me Draco-Waco in public. As a matter of fact, do not, I repeat, DO NOT call me by that name at all."
"Why not?" she pouted. "I like that name, it sound so adorable."
"No, Aunt Daria." I pointed out. "Nothing involving my name, involving me is adorable. It is unfit for someone like me." Does the dense woman not know that!
"Oh you are such a spoiled-sport." She smacked my arm and left.
"Draco-Waco, would you please fetch that for me?" said a familiar voice.
I spun around immediately, arms outstretched to grab that person's neck and wring them violently before ducking their head outside the window.
Sensing my attack, the person ducked. I realized who it could be. Blaise Zabini.
"Really, Draco-Waco, you could've hit me." She said defensively, mocking her hurt. "I only asked you to get my quill for me. It dropped by your foot.
"Don't call me that Zabini. You're already on my To Torture list." I sneered.
She grinned, placing her hand over her chest. "Oh you make me feel so special. I never knew you care so much."
I looked down to the floor. There was her quill. Instead of picking up her quill like she expected or anyone expect for a gentleman to do, I picked up my foot and stepped on the quill. Squishing my foot back and forth, I crumbled up the quill.
"Hey!" She protested, glaring at me venomously. "That was my lucky quill! I pass tests and quizzes with that!"
"I'm truly sorry." I said simply. "I really should watch where I place my foot next time."
"You are a cruel man Draco Malfoy. Cruel." She shook her head solemnly. "I will get you back for this."
"Oh dear me. I'm shaking."
Zabini stomped away. I hurried to the Heads compartment before aunt Daria comes back looking for me.
"Hello Malfoy." Granger greeted coldly when she saw me walking in. "Let me get out your way."
"Oh no-no." I smiled, blocking the entrance. "Do stay."
Granger crossed her arms in a very demanding way. "What the hell do you want?"
"I cannot have a civilized conversation?"
"If I didn't know any better," She said, placing her finger at her chin, pretending to think very carefully. "I would've thought you're serious."
"We are seventh years now, we must set examples for the midgets."
"Really now! Since when did you realized that?" Her voice could not be dripping in any more sarcasm. "Brilliant observation Malfoy, ten points awarded to Slytherin!"
"Such derision." I shook my head disapprovingly.
Granger acted like I didn't catch that devious smile that stretched across her face that could've fully marked her as a Slytherin. Tsk-tsk. Not bad Granger, not bad.