Thank you to ALL my reader's and to ALL my reviewer's.
My BETA's GoldenSunnyGrl and Merlin.
I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I hate being alone but I hate being with some one, too, well, the wrong someone that is. My mind is so messed up that there seems to be no recourse but to stop thinking at all.
But it hurts to do that, too.
All smiles, all joking, all snide little comments and harsh looks that you swear are just looks, I want it all to end.
All of it.
It's my fault for loving him knowing that he belongs to someone else. My fault for wanting something I can never, ever have.
So, I hurt.
I've been told that my 'moral' is wrong, that there is nothing wrong with having more than one boyfriend. But I can't do it. Not only to myself...but to her.
And it is a her. And I am not a her. I am a him. And he doesn't like hims.
So, my little stupid moral, doesn't even matter in this situation. Ron and Hermione do not understand why I don't just go out and paint the town. Well, I think Hermione does. That sympathetic look on her face when she looks at me sometimes, gives her away. She knows I love him. And she knows there is not a damn thing I am going to do about it.
But I digress from my original depression. It's not the fact that it is a her that is my problem. It's the fact that they are together. That he is with someone, oh Merlin!, if only he wasn't, then I would say something. I would let him know then.
But my stupid conscious won't let me even go near him. I've had that done to me before and have vowed to never do that to someone else if I can help it. I know what it's like to feel the betrayal, to walk in and see the one person you thought you could trust over everyone else in the arms of another.
The pain, the hatred, the want to hurt someone or something, is so overwhelming it is painful. I wasn't that depressed over the situation, so I must have subconsciously have known what was going on behind my back.
But still, I hurt.
Here I sit for the tenth night in a row in the beautiful side garden I found in fifth year. As a seventh year student I was allowed to stay out later than others, and with my invisibility cloak I was always out roaming the castle. Insomnia does that for me. On the plus side, if you can look at it that way, I know this castle like the back of my hand. The one that doesn't have the telltale scar from fifth year.
Hearing a sound behind me, I jump up and spinning around, point my wand towards the sound.
"Lumos." I say low as my eyes search the darkness around me.
I stiffen in surprise when the first sign of pale hair could be seen and my depression steps out of the shadows to send me a startled look.
"Out late I see."
The beautiful scowl graced his face and I knew I was in trouble. I had to get out of there, fast.
"I'll be going now." I said as I put my wand up and turned to walk away.
Stopping I refuse to turn back as I snarl, "Take points or give me a detention."
I could hear a sigh behind me and had to brace myself not to turn and look at him. "I am not going to take points, nor, give you a detention."
That did make me turn to look at him in shock. "What?"
He runs a hand through his hair in a move that was so unlike him I immediately became suspicious. "Look Potter, I just came out here to be alone. I need to think."
Okay...then why did he ask me not to go? I, of course, did not ask that question out loud. I took the moment and savored it with all my being. I was standing so close to him and we were not fighting. I didn't know how much more of this I could handle.
He sighed again and moved to sit right where I had been sitting seconds before. Knowing my punishment would come later, in the form of dreams that would haunt me all night, I stayed standing.
He looked up at me with an expression I could not decipher and said shakily, "yes?"
"And you care why, Potter?" The look was there but the tone...was off somehow. Like he wanted to be hurtful but was just to tired to do it.
"I...look, I'll go now. I hope you figure out whatever is wrong with you." I say as I turn and walk away. Cause really, one more minute standing there and I would have been sent to Azkaban for assault. No one, and I mean no one, should be that beautiful. The moonlight shining off his pale hair turned it into a silver halo around his angelic face. The pale face made the red lips just scream at you to kiss them. So, I had to leave.
Merlin, that hurt.
Ron made me go out with him and Hermione the next Hogsmead weekend. I was furious when Susan Bones just happened to show up at our table to sit with us. Damn Ron and his stupid matchmaking. I mean Susan, hello, lesbian!
But she was someone to talk too and I found myself actually beginning to like her. Until he walked in. Sending Hermione a pleading look and begging off on a headache, I practically ran from the Three Broomsticks. I in no way, shape, or form wanted to see him with her.
All the way back to my room I cursed the fates for my hurt.
Once more I am in my garden, sitting on the same bench as I was three nights ago when a sound came from behind me. This time I didn't jump up to confront whoever it was that was there, because I knew who it was. I turned to watch as he slowly walked closer. He seemed even more tired that last time.
Silently I got up and motioned for him to sit.
"Okay yet Malfoy?"
"Not yet Potter." He wouldn't look at me so I stood there indecisively wanting him to say more. He didn't, he just continued to stare off into the darkness.
"Can I help?" Stupid question Potter, I think to myself as I wait for him to cut me down.
To my surprise he doesn't answer. Nothing. It's as if he didn't hear me. I am about to ask again when he shudders and says quietly, "no."
At least ten minutes passed before I decided to leave. As I turned away I thought I heard him say something but when I glanced back he was still looking away. I studied the profile of the man I loved before turning and walking back towards the castle.
I could tell he was hurting.
So, I hurt too.
Two weeks later and he had showed up every night. Each time I asked him if he was okay and each time he said not yet.
I could tell something was wrong. But I had no way to help him.
Each time I left hurting more than the day before.
Friday at dinner my whole world came crashing down. In the form of her.
Her happiness was my downfall.
She showed her hand to anyone who would look. A hand that was graced with the biggest emerald I had ever seen. I searched frantically for him but he wasn't there.
I knew I must have looked like death warmed over because Hermione, bless her soul, tried to shelter me from everyone else. But she needn't of bothered. I was already dead inside.
Maybe if I didn't have that stupid moral of mine I would have told him how I felt. Maybe if I had told him, my hand would be sporting that ring. Maybe...maybe...maybe.
It didn't matter any more. He was irrevocably gone now.
Merlin, it hurt.
I ran before anyone could see the pain on my face or the tears that threatened to fall from my dead lifeless eyes.
This went beyond anything I had ever felt before. I was not sure I could survive.
It just hurt to much to handle.
He didn't show up that night, not the next.
That hurt beyond belief.
Soon no hurt.
Please Merlin! No hurt!
Astronomy Tower, two nights later. I was standing on the buttress looking down wondering if the fall would hurt.
I laugh harshly as I realize my mistake, the fall doesn't hurt you, it's the sudden stop at the bottom that will do it for you.
But at least there would be no more hurt.
Well. Not sure if this will be a one shot or not. Will have to see.