Disclaimer; Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, lyrics ( "Honestly Ok" ) to Dido.
A/N: Inspired by Mieko Belle's "addicted to..." story on (:
- Eyes Clouded; Not Yet Blind -
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
The malachite grass blades, tinted jade by the faint moonlight, pushed against the bare flesh of her back in a soothing manner, better than Kagome's petite hand. Better than anything. The arch of her neck burned with fancied feathered kisses, blood throbbing at her fingertips and in her ears as silence and solitude draped themselves thickly all around her. The night's torrid breeze sighed huskily through the tall grasses on which she lay, heady with the drunken scents of lust and summer. Even a hint of the waning fire some distance off, smoke trickling out from the wide open doorway. Her friends slept on contentedly without her beside that very fire - save InuYasha who merely feigned slumber, but still had no objections to her leaving.
He knew better than to follow her as she crept away from her companions, out into the fallen shards of moonlight, the tranquil silence absent of soft breathing. Maybe the hanyou had some common sense after all. She vaguely remembered glancing over her shoulder, once, twice at the monk's placid face. His lips were upturned slightly in a smile that contradicted his emotional turmoil. Funny how he might've very well been dreaming of her at that very moment; funnier still that she pitied him for it.
I just want to feel happy again
Slowly, she let her simmering nerves drown themselves out before sitting upward with a lurch and a sad smile. She pulled her legs up to her pounding chest, thighs wet and sticking to the dampened soil, hands clasped weakly around her soiled knees; and that's when tears began to fill her eyes.
No one could possibly ever begin to explain how much she longed for and hated and missed and loved her brother. She /did/ love him. So much that it hurt, that it was suffocating! That she had to stifle her breaths because they seemed so loud and the nothingness around her might overhear. Her friends knew that she felt all of this, and being as wonderful as they all were, were supportive and sympathetic.
But it was more than love. It was smothering, overwhelming, dizzying lust that she was so ashamed of. And she knew it could never be.
Her younger brother, memories swiped, the walking slain. Having him back was the goal she portrayed to her loving friends- when in reality, having him back without having him by her side wouldn't be enough. Rather, it would be too much.. Too much for her to possibly stand. She might die. In fact, she might die right there, just thinking and dreaming about it, head against the dome of heaven as hope drifted into some dark corner of oblivion.
I just want to feel deep in my own world
The conscious part of her picked up hesitant, steady footfall of one approaching, the reverent whisper of holy garbs brushing shoots of emerald. "Sango," Came the worried voice she knew so well, smothered in affection that ran deeper than skin. "What are you doing out here? What's the matter..?"
Her tears glistened in the light, silver-hued and warm as they died upon her cupid lips, pouting and a beautiful shade of bitten violet. He was awed by the ethereal beauty of her; raven hair matted with grime and dirt and sweat, cascading down her back in gentle waves.
"Oh, Sango," He whispered, kneeling beside her, strong hands finding a way around her shoulders. He didn't know. He'd never understand. "This is about your brother, isn't it?"
The underlying love in his eyes, the hoarse cringe of wanting in his voice, was almost too much to stand. It broke the fragments of her heart into crystalline ash. He'd kill to have her in his arms - more than this, closer, breathing as one. His curse kept him from it. His respect and sincere care for her kept him from it always.
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
It was so much easier to cry wrapped up in Miroku's strong arms, arms meant to encompass the world, with her flushed cheek rested on his shoulder.
"Yes," Came the soft utterance, in response to his innocent inquiry. If only he knew.. Muggy breaths brought shivers to the arch of her neck, where his lips rested, wishing desperately to be made of steel. Did he love her? Would she have to break his heart, like her own flesh and blood had broken hers?
She found the answer in his hurried heartbeat, in his smile that somehow always looked like a grimace in her eyes. "Leave me be, Miroku. I know what you want."
"I won't lay a hand on you."
He sighed inwardly. The thought had never crossed his mind.. Not tonight, as he was absentmindedly wiping away her tears with his rough fingers. He wouldn't make her angry tonight - or ever again, if that's what it took.
He lifted his face to meet her eyes, almond-shaped and fringed with dark lash, a deep chocolate hue that somehow seemed lackluster compared to the shimmer of the moon.
On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin
"Why can't you tell me what you're really feeling, Sango?" He asked her in a whisper, cursed hand gently stroking her own. For once he was purely innocent. And now - well, a week ago, she'd have blushed, closed her eyes.. She would've reached out, could've sworn nirvana was an arm's length away. A black hole not unlike the one in the monk's hand now devoured the delicious fantasy that brought fire to her cheeks at his nearness. It was only Kohaku she wanted; so close and yet so far beyond her reach. For once, Miroku was showing his true colors. But she'd lost the taste for sweet rainbows long ago.
She wanted to savor the white of her brother's skin, and the black of his heart.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
"Sango," He murmured, running elongated fingers through her tangled tresses, "Don't you see? I'll always be here for you. You'll never hurt me, no matter what you say, or how many times you push me away, because.. you love me. I know you do. Whether you realize it yet or not. I want you to know.. I can't believe I'm holding you right now, like this, how close we are. And there's no one who will ever care about you as much as I do. I'll never go away, Sango. I'll always be right here with you. Forever. No curse or demon can stand in our way. This night will never end for us.."
She listened to his wishful ramblings with ever mounting sorrow. He was so convinced of her feelings.. So sure that they were mutual. It dawned on her that he would die without love; or at least, the one he desired. So would she. In some morbid way, they'd still die together.
They'd still be one, whether she followed Kohaku to death or didn't. They'd both die in an all-consuming black void, trying to gorge on the last feast of shattered, petty dreams that could never be. Wondering why they were never given the chance to have more in life than what was dealt them.
"You're so funny, Houshi-sama. I'll never love you like you want me to." Tearfully, she added, "and besides.. Tonight ends with the dawn. There is no 'forever' for us."
She bit back another stream of fresh tears. "I'm sorry."
He leaned forward, lips finding hers with gentle passion, not even looking at her anymore. Arms wrapping around him weakly, she went limp against his chest, sputtering and sobbing gently as their mouths remained fused.
Then I wouldn't be lost and so frightened
"Who are you to say how long forever is?"
There was no response for that.
So all she could say, all she could manage, in a severed broken whisper.. She mouthed a single word in-between sobs against his lips, "..Kohaku."
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
There was a distinct slump in his shoulders as he disappeared into the hut; a peculiar glimmer in his eye as he threatened to break inwardly.
Silence roared in his wake.
And so, she was cold. She was alone. But she swore that without Miroku's arms around her, she was just a little closer to the face that haunted her dreams.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
- end -