Author: Amy Fortuna
Feedback: Is perfectly lovely.
Disclaimer: Oh, please. I don't own them, can't own them, would love to own them.
Spoilers: Read POA to understand this.
Summary: Sirius thinks things over on the night that James and Lily die.
Warning: This story is slash.
I glance up at the moon, noticing that it is full. It seems strange to watch the moon and try not to think of you, not to have to remember just what it is you need now. Remus, where are you? If I knew where *I* was, besides lost and condemned, I'd be racing as fast as my paws could carry me, back to you, to curl up beside you in the darkness.
But I don't know where I am, only that I am not with you, not in your
arms. Did I forfeit my rights to you in that act I thought
would save them? Oh, I was so blind...I knew Voldemort was after me, I knew he could find me, could torture me, knew the ways in which I was vulnerable -- and I was afraid.
It sounds so blunt to say it, but I did it, although unwittingly. I was the one who persuaded James and Lily to entrust their Secrets to Peter. I played them into the hands of the spy of Voldemort! I had a hand in their deaths...and I do not want to see what I will do when next I meet that man I once called friend and now hate and despise. Peter should fear for his life.
There is no Death Mark on my body! I am untainted by any association
with the Death Eaters, the cowards who kill by night
-- and yet I am guilty. I am unstained, yet broken -- I am pursued by all, forces of good and forces of evil.
I have done what I may, entrusted little Harry to Hagrid that he may
be taken somewhere safe. I am still reeling from many
shocks, not the least of which is the fact that a one-year-old child defeated the Dark Wizard. I do not understand it, I do not
think anyone understands the power Harry Potter holds inside of him. It is the one good thing that has happened tonight. The
only good thing that has happened for many weeks.
I pause for a moment's rest, no longer, and sit back to catch my breath. I look at the moon again, in its full roundness, and wish I could be with you, Remus, wish I could go to you and embrace you, tell you how I love you, kiss you with all the passion in my heart.
A wild sorrow floods my being, and for moments I see my life as it had
been arranged falling before me in tatters. How I had
dreamed that we would be together, that we, between us, would do such great things, that nothing could stop us, ever. And now I see those dreams lying shattered like the burnt-out shell of a house, like the broken body of James.
I will be captured eventually, by one side or the other. In either case
the fate is the same, I will be blamed, I will be
tortured, I will be destroyed.
There is no escape.
Were I now in human form I would weep, but instead I do the only thing I may.
I lift my nose to the stars. And I howl.