Disclaimer: I don't own Slayer, and I really don't own these Iris lyrics.


Chapter Fifteen - Endless

A Song by Iris


Lyrics – Centered Italics

Narrative – Black


Filia sat back in one of the comfortable rockers in her living room. The seasons were changing and the rainy season was coming on strong. The rain came hard just now, pounding against the window panes, but Filia knew it would let up a little in a minute or two. She sat with her feet tucked under her and holding a cup of tea.

It was always when she did things like this that she couldn't escape thinking about Val. He had always despised her tradition of drinking tea. It was the first thing he began complaining about when his rebellion began years ago. Val had been gone for two weeks and she found that she didn't miss him as much as she thought she was going to when he left home for the last time. She knew it was because Xellos was with her. He was a very strong companion, and impossible to ignore – no matter what his personality.

Filia was learning all kinds of things about Xellos that she had never dreamed possible – like what he was like when there was no mazoku left in him. At least she thought there was no mazoku left in him. When he woke up in her bed room two weeks before with no memories, she thought that perhaps yet another personality had emerged, but that didn't seem to be the case. The old Xellos hadn't come back, neither had Lex or that other demon she had met only that one night. She really expected one of them to make an appearance after some time had passed, but no one came.

The new Xellos was very different. His personality was like the old Xellos, but not like the old Xellos, and like Lex, but not like Lex. He walked about the tower like a man in a dream, but not a dream Filia would have enjoyed having. He had none of Xellos or Lex's memories, but seemed to remember their feelings. He would come up behind Filia as she washed her dishes and put his arms around her waist and whisper in her ear how much he cared for her. When he did things like that, he seemed like Lex. Yet his eyes looked like Xellos' when he spoke of things besides love. She almost always felt helpless during these moments, because when he exposed to her how his mind worked, she would have to force herself to remember that he was a demon. It had been hard for her to admit to herself that Val was far cleverer than herself, but Xellos seemed like a genius when he revealed how he thought. Often, she wouldn't even be able to follow his reasoning. She would only respond to his questions if she had to. Sometimes it seemed better to stay quiet rather than admit that she had no idea what he was talking about. She would argue with him sometimes; their views were different often enough. She suspected their views would be different more often than she knew, if only she understood what he was talking about. Xellos seemed to enjoy himself when they disagreed, and argued. Sometimes she would get so heated that she would draw a weapon, and he would prove to be as experienced as the old Xellos in combat. These fights seemed to attract him to her more than their mere arguing, and when they were finished he would leave her alone looking intensely satisfied.

In truth, regardless of what faults she might have (or maybe because of them) he worshipped her.

Just now, Filia looked up from her musings and saw Xellos standing in the door frame.

"You look very content," he observed, with one hand on his hip.

"And you look very troubled," she said, seeing his dark eyes and taunt stance. "Is something the matter?" But Filia knew that he looked like this all the time – ever since he lost all of his previous memories. She knew it disturbed him, if it was possible for anything to disturb him.

"It's nothing," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

Lately when I go outside
The skies cry that the worst is over
Is this the place we are supposed to be?
Something is reaching out to me
Should I be walking back or forward?
Is the wait enough to make you go down on your knees?

This was the answer Filia usually received from him whenever she asked this question. She had always thought that it was his lost memories haunting him, but this time, it seemed like perhaps it was something more.

"What have you been doing?" she asked.

"Oh," he said with a sleepy smile. "I was just putting up the lattice work by the back gate. Remember? You mentioned at breakfast that it needed to be done."

"Isn't it raining?"

"You said it needed to be done, so I was took care of it."

"But not in the rain," she said, putting down her cup of tea and going to put her arms around his waist. "You didn't have to do that."

"What does it matter what I do? You know the rain doesn't really bother me, don't you?"

Maybe, we'll be alright
In a long run that seems like heaven
Like hearing silence far away
And lifting high
I know the pressure is on
In a race for the life of endless love
If it seems too much
Remember
All these things are endless

Filia twisted a lock of her hair between her fingers. She knew that his mazoku body didn't allow for the same sort of discomfort she would have experienced if she had stayed out all day in the rain, but she tried to forget it. She always tried to ignore the fact that Xellos was indeed a mazoku, and that there would be consequences to his presence in her home.

Consequences like feeling like her home was not entirely wholesome – that something was wrong - broken. He didn't bring a good spirit with him. Honestly, having Xellos look down at her with his piercing eyes felt like a ghost was staring through her – seeing something else entirely.

Midnight has been calling me
With a feeling that could be deadly
I can love the fall 'cause that's a part of me

"What have you been thinking about, my love?" Xellos said, taking a book from the shelf and moving to sit on the arm of her chair. He leafed through it absently. "Tell me."

"I was just wondering how far away you keep yourself from me," she said quietly.

Drifting in several different worlds
With the stars colliding all around you
I can feel the distance to a past that's on its way

"How different you are from me," Filia continued softly.

He smiled casually, and snapped the book shut. "You know that the differences between us go far beyond male and female, into the realms of light and dark – love and hate. We'll never feel the same. If we were ever going to have a life together, it would be this way. You weren't naïve enough to think it would be different, were you?"

"I don't know," she said, looking up at him, hoping she would be able to understand some of the feelings behind his words.

"Don't frown like that, my dear. It doesn't look good on you."

"So, I should be like you and smile when I'm not happy?" she said, turning away from him and feeling discouraged.

"We'll never be the same person. That's what I've been trying to explain to you," he paused, seeming to look for the right words. "Do you know what happens when I pull you in my arms? You fit perfectly! It's amazing that we come together so flawlessly . . . at least I find it amazing, because I don't feel like it should be possible. The problem is that you want our minds and our hearts to fit together like that too, but isn't possible. When we touch – we come together – that's as close to real intimacy as we're probably likely to achieve. I'm not going to become a dragon, and if you were to go mazoku – there's no way we could be together."

Panic rose up in Filia's heart. "That doesn't mean you are going to leave, does it?"

"Of course not," he said pulling her nearer. "That doesn't mean that what we have isn't precious. It just means that I think you're undervaluing what we do have – our differences. If I can raise hell – you'd better be able to call down heaven."

She stared at him.

"It's our way of being together," he said.

Maybe, we'll be alright
In a long run that seems like heaven
Like hearing silence far away
And lifting high

I know the pressure is on
In a race for the life of endless love
If it seems too much
Remember
All these things are endless

Filia felt that she broke no promise as Xellos kissed her. After all, it was Xellos she was kissing, and loving, and feeling needed by.

And he said they would be together.

Remember

All these things are endless

The End


Author's Notes: Anyone who knows me, knows this was not my favourite project. I've worked this hard on it only for the people who wanted to read it and for the people who kindly reviewed (thankyouthankyouthankyou). I also look back on all different parts of this fic with dissatisfaction. I wish I had been able to do a better job on it for you, but my heart just wasn't in it. So, if anyone who read this actually enjoyed it, I'd encourage them to go read some of my other (better) work that my heart really is in. I know I'm putting in a shameless plug here for my other work, but I really want feedback. If I didn't, I wouldn't do this. Anyway, a kind thank-you to anyone who read. I really love the community here on - you guys RULE!