Disclaimer: Not mine. Damn.
Author's notes: Companion piece to Losing It. This is Blair's POV.Losing it too
can hear his heart beating under my cheek, strong and steady,
comforting, you know? His arms surround me, keeping me safe and
holding me together. This is just how he held me after Golden, not
that I remember much about that; Man, that was terrifying, I tell
you. I guess you want to know what I'm going on the floor of my
room in Jim's lap, huh?
Not a lot to tell really, except twelve hours ago I was all set to leave Cascade. Jim doesn't know about that, about the duffle bag stuffed under my bed, and if I turn just a bit this way.. I can block his view. I'll unpack it later, when we've both calmed down a bit and can laugh about this. Not sure when that'll happen, though. Shit, I've just wiped snot all over Jim's grey t-shirt, yuk! What's he doing now? Oh, he's holding the hem up for me to blow my nose on. Christ, Jim, that's disgusting. That's what tissues are for, you know, and you should be able to reach the box from here. Oh, that's nice, Jim, I've always liked being rocked.
They handed me a badge today. I was at the station, just taking a last look round and then there they were. Megan, Simon, Jim, Henri, Joel, even Naomi and a few more besides. I was ready to run, I tell you. I didn't want anyone bringing up that damned press conference, but one word and I knew I'd lose it. You think I've lost control before? Don't you believe it. Yeah, I've come close, but Jim's always needed me to be strong and in control. Huh, you think I don't control Jim? Don't make me laugh. Zone-outs, remember?
Man, it was a rush when Jim tossed me that leather wallet. They want me around permanently? I can live with that. And the best part? Jim. My partner. For real this time around. I'll even get paid. Neat, eh? I don't know who suggested the bar across town; Henri, probably, but there we were, all piling into cabs because no-one wanted to drive. It was, like, a real party. For me, you know? Longhaired, neo-hippy witchdoctor punk Blair Sandburg. Man, I was buzzed.
I don't know how many beers I sank; they just kept coming, one after the other. I kept looking at that gold shield and grinning. It was surreal, man. A self-confessed fraud, and I was being handed everything I'd ever wanted. My own tribe. We eventually made it home and Jim made some crack about my hair again. No way, man, I am not cutting it, nuh uh, get the hell away from my curls! A quick trip to the bathroom and I'm flat out on my bed. I haven't put it down yet; the badge, you idiot, what did you think I meant? My dick?
I opened it up and looked at it again. Christ, what am I thinking? This will never work. I can't do it. I just..can't. God, I want to, though. So much. It all flashes behind my eyelids and before I know it I've got a pain in my chest where I can't breathe anymore. Hang in there, Chief, as Jim would say, don't lose it. Not now, not while Jim's still up. Oh God, I don't know what to do! Curling up in a ball, my fist jammed in my mouth, the badge cuts into my other hand. I just don't want to let it go, but I know I'm going to have to. Ohgodohgodohgod, why is this happening now? My throat is closing and it's so painful, trying to hold it all in. I can't let Jim hear me, he's already been through enough; he doesn't need me to fall apart now. He needs a partner he can trust.
Nonononono! I must have let something slip, because there he was, kneeling in front of me, his hand on my shoulder. I could barely see him through the tears, but for once his face didn't have that stone façade like it does sometimes. The next minute we were on the floor and he was holding me. I must have been babbling, because I can't remember what I said. All I know is that I was letting it all out, the pain, the guilt, everything. Man, he was like a rock against me. There was no moving him, and he was the only thing between me and the nuthouse. That's how bad I was feeling.
It's quiet now. He hasn't said anything at all, but I'm wrapped so tight against him you'll need a crowbar to separate us. I don't think I've ever felt so safe, and loved. Because that's what this is. He's still rocking me, and I know this has got to be killing his leg. I just hope he's got it dialled down, because I'm thinking that this is going to be my favourite position from now on. Not moving, nuh uh.
One more sniff and then my jaw cracks as I yawn. Jim shifts us and manages to drag down my pillows and comforter, making a nest for us on the floor. Man, I'm wiped. Jim's rubbing my back now, and pulls me back against him, making sure I've got the clean shoulder. That really is gross, man. Turning my cheek into his chest, I let go, relaxing against him. I know we'll have to talk in the morning, but right now, this is what I need. And I'm not losing him.