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The Journal

I have begun having the most mundane dreams. Last night, I dreamed Han and I were in the Falcon's galley having breakfast and talking about the Agape System and it's flaky residents. I was laughing so hard at his description of the Commerce Commissioner that I woke myself up. I stayed awake for hours aching for him. Losing Han has been like losing a limb. I keep having this phantom pain of separation. I wake myself up a night reaching for him. Losing Alderaan was so different, that was like a crushing blow to the head. It was on such a large scale, and I was so dazed, that coping with it was just impossible. With something like that you only really have two choices, move forward or kill yourself. Obviously, I'm still here. I know a handful of Alderaanians who chose the other option. If we don't get Han back...I just don't know.


We are looking for a new admiral to lead the fleet after Odan's death. Mon Mothma is having a dinner in her quarters tonight so everyone can meet her favorite choice for his successor. He's Mon Calimari. I have to admit that I love the design of Mon Calimari ships, they're so organic, but I have trouble imagining one as an effective admiral. They're such a peaceful, gentle people, it's hard to imagine them at war. On the other hand, the same thing used to be said of Alderaanians, and look what I'm doing now.


The dinner was a success. I can't imagine anyone beating Akbar out of the fleet admiral slot now. Although, I had to call on a great deal of my diplomatic training to get through the meal. Watching a Mon Calimari eat...gross...Chewie has better table manners. Speaking of which, he contacted me today, still no word on Boba Fett. It's as if he dropped out of the galaxy. It's been two weeks now, and it feels like two years. I'm still having strangely quiet dreams. Last night we were in the cockpit discussing childhood traumas. He broke his leg when he was four. I told him about the riding accident I had when I was eight. The alarm woke me. I've started seeing a therapist again.


My therapist is concerned that losing Han has dredged up unresolved issues with Alderaan. I hate her. She's probably right, but I hate her anyway. I told her about the dreams. She asked me if I think about Han during the day. I told her no, which I consider to be good. It's not like I'm obsessing over him. She thought that explained the mundane dreams. She thinks they're memories I'm not allowing myself access to during the day. She thinks it's unhealthy not to allow myself access to the memor ies while I'm awake. I said I wasn't doing it on purpose. She said I was repressing and then asked me why I was being hostile. I wasn't being hostile. Did I mention I hate her?


Luke resigned his officer's commission today in order to spend more time on his Jedi training. Mon Mothma accepted his resignation and then offered to allow him to stay with the rebellion while he continued to study. Luke accepted her offer. I don't know what to think about him anymore. He's so different now. Not to mention that ever since he "called" to me on Bespin, I've sort of been uncomfortable being around him. I feel like he can read my thoughts, or worse yet, like I can read his . The other day, the weirdest thing happened. We were having dinner in the cafeteria and we both reached for the salt at the same time and our hands touched. For a moment I had a clear vision of the room, including me, from his side of the table. It startled me so much, I dropped the salt, which naturally fell to the floor only it didn't break, because Luke "caught" it, with the Force, and set it back on the table. I'm trying not to be upset by all this, but I excused myself shortly after that. I don't know what's happening to him, to me, to us. I just know it's very strange, and I'm pretty sure I don't like it.


I had another dream. This time we were in the hold measuring conduit, to see if we had enough to stretch from the communications console to the core shaft. Han was in a bad mood, so we weren't really talking. I was just holding one end of the spare conduit and watching him work. He has beautiful hands. I miss his hands...I want him back in the worst way. I can't stand just sitting around here waiting to hear from Chewie and Lando. It's starting to make me crazy.


I was gone yesterday to an all day planning session on the Freedom. I think we got a lot accomplished. It was nice to see Rieekan again. I hadn't seen him since Hoth. He asked whether I'd heard from Han, apparently he didn't know about what happened on Bespin, so I told him. Although, I didn't mention my relationship with Han. Actually, I haven't told anyone about that. Right now, I guess, Chewie and Lando are the only ones who know, and they're not around. I haven't even told Luke. I especially haven't told Luke. I don't know why really. He doesn't seem interested in me anymore anyway. Lately, he doesn't seem interested in anything but himself and the Force. I miss talking to him. I feel so isolated these days. I haven't told my therapist about my relationship with Han either. I'm not sure why. Right now she thinks I'm upset because I lost a member of my team on a mission, and that he was a good friend. He was a good friend, a good lover too. Not that I have anything to compare him t o really, but I was happy. That's amazing really, considering we were crammed on that tiny little ship for months. He wasn't anything like I thought he would be. I can't even remember what I thought before. I can't remember what it was like before. I can't imagine why we didn't get together years ago...and still, I don't tell anyone. Maybe I should tell someone. I miss him so much.


I jumped all over an ensign today for destroying a carefully charted map with her incompetence. I mean really, how hard it is to run a plotter without magenta ink going everywhere. The meeting I needed the maps for had to be rescheduled. Normally, I wouldn't need paper maps, but these were to go with the ground troops for that region. I probably shouldn't have gotten so angry, but I just saw red. No pun intended. Oh, well, my reputation as the Ice Bitch grows ever larger.


I've stopped sleeping. I wake up every hour on the hour and it always has something to do with Han. I'll catch his scent, or I'll feel like he's in bed beside me, or I'll hear him, but I wake up and I reach and he's not there. I can't stand this.


Still not sleeping. I hate meetings.


No sleep. Woke up having running nightmare, only this time instead of just trying to find the guy who presses the button to blow up Alderaan, I'm also trying to find Boba Fett before he takes Han. I can't choose between them, so I run around in frustrated circles through black hallways and white hallways, but I never find anyone and I wake up knowing I failed everyone.


I've started drinking before I go to bed. I know I probably shouldn't, but at least I can get some sleep this way.


I've decided I've got to stop drinking before I go to bed. It makes it too hard to get up in the morning, not that I ever feel like getting out of bed anyway. I heard from Chewie yesterday, he thinks they have a good solid lead on where to find Fett. I hope so. I've started running at night. Whenever I wake up I just go for a run.


I was out running at 2:00 this morning and I ran into Luke. He seemed upset. He kept asking if I was okay. I sort of blew him off. I just can't talk to him right now. I can't talk to anyone.

My therapist is such a bitch.


Okay, running isn't working, I just end up exhausted and wired. So now I drink to fall asleep, then I wake up a few hours later and run. I'm sure this is insane, but I don't know what else to do.


I've decided that what I need is to get off this ship. I need to really work again, so I've agreed to open another base. Luke's agreed to come with me. I think this will be good. That ensign I chewed out a few weeks ago was part of the scout commit tee that went out to investigate the sight. She came back with great data and mapped it beautifully. I'm going to request for her to be assigned to my team. She turned out to be pretty competent after all. Luke and I had a long talk about starting the new base the other night. It felt like old times between us. It was really good to sit down and talk to him. I've really missed that. Hopefully, starting this base will be just the ticket to get everything back to normal.


The lead on Fett fell through. I'm trying very hard not to be discouraged. We're leaving tomorrow to set up the new base. I think this is going to work out. I'm trying very hard to remain upbeat for the troops, but after the news about Fett, I don' t know, upbeat is going to be pretty hard for me to pull off.


Mon Mothma is coming to base next week. We're trying very hard to get everything up and running for her arrival. It's a lot of work. Now isn't a good time for it, but I've started having the dreams again. Last night he was just holding me in bed. We were curled up, post-coital, I guess. I could hear his heart beating and I could feel his chest beneath my cheek, I could see my fingers curled in the hair on his chest. I was right there. It felt so good. And then I woke up. I have this persistent pain in my chest now, and I always seem just on the verge of tears. I no longer remember what if feels like to swallow without a lump in my throat. I feel like I'm drowning.


I have this overwhelming urge to crawl right out of my skin lately. I'm completely restless. I'm up at all hours. I'm drinking again, but only occasionally. I don't approve of my own behavior, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's as if I'm no longer living my own life. I'm just this third party observer watching it happen. I can't concentrate anymore. I spent three hours on the firing range today. I never missed a target. For the first time in my life I feel more like a soldier than a leader . Suddenly, sitting in meetings seems like the worst possible way to spend my time.


I've started having violent dreams. Instead of running through empty hallways, I've started to run across people. Some of them are storm troopers, some of them are old enemies from the Senate, some of them are just regular people. I end up grabbing all of them. I stick the barrel of my blaster in their mouths and demand that they tell me where Fett is or where Tarkin is or Vader or the Emperor, or the damn targeting computer. It's always something different. They never seem to know the answer, no ne of them, the same thing happens every time. They say they don't know, they beg for mercy, I pull the trigger. I've got to get out of here.


Mon Mothma is pleased with the way this base is shaping up. She's taken an office and has decided to stay here the rest of the month. It's not to bad of a climate, and I'm sure she gets sick of being on a ship all the time. I know I do. It's still early in the day. I left a meeting earlier. I just couldn't concentrate. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm insane, but I excused myself and said I wasn't feeling well. I think I'll go for bike ride to clear my head. There's nothing like watching the country blur by from a speeder bike to clear your head. That's all I need to do, I just need to clear my head.