She Grew Wings and Flew Away!
Maybe the stupidest idea Lizzle has ever had. Kind of amusing. Somewhat slashy and incesty- Ginny & Ron had a baby! AND SHE GREW WINGS
Mags Edition: For ye who said "Ginny/Ron is incest Percy/Ron is slash" I want you to know Percy/Ron would also be incest because Percy and Ron are BROTHERS! Stupid humanoids. Oh btw, you said you were hoping for slash...what about the Ron/Harry thing going on...stupid mortals...
Note: LMAO what came over meh!? Ahahah! I had an idea and me and mag ran with it...ROFLROFLROFL quite stupid! I'm so odd..this is what hunger does to you...
Ginny turned away and suddenly became fascinated with the rug.
"You had a baby? For years, I was screwing around, and you had a baby? Ginny, why wouldn't you tell me?"
"I haven't talked to you in five years," she murmured. "She..we..I don't know..I thought you'd.."
"I would have been a good father," he said, blushing furiously.
"Ron! It was a freaking accident! What would people think, seeing me, you, and a BABY CARRIAGE? What would I say when people asked who the father was? Oh, you know, my brother Ronald."
"Well...I don't know! What happened to it?" Ron asked, blushing slightly, this whole ordeal was rather embarrassing, even if it was just him and his...sister.
"Well, she grew wings and flew away."
"Oh, my. Really? I'm so proud of her! She gets it from her mother," he smiled.
"Why, thank-you, Ron. She writes once in a while. At one point she was living in Neverland; she's hard to keep track of."
"I remember when Harry's daughter Talula grew her first wings. Quite a horrid experience, but the image of her flying into the sky was simply stunning..."
"Oh yes!" Ginny went on, "He sent me a home video of the whole experience!"
Ron nodded, "I'm the one who shot it."
"I'd expect nothing less from you."
Ginny sipped her PurpleBerry and Squash tea and chatted with Ron about the attack on Hogwart's.
"It was quite sudden, no one was ready for it," he said, frowning.
Ginny shook her head, "I heard. The red-and-black-spotted Elephants have always been
gentle, reasonable creatures. The stampede was just so strange."
"Indeed!" He practically shouted, "Hermione almost had a heart attack when she saw she was wrong about those elephants. She's quite the perfectionist you know."
"I heard some of the elephants were GRAY! How horrid they must have looked," Ginny said, shuddering. Imagine- GRAY ELEPHANTS!
"It was a frightening sight. Took me a while to regain my composure after seeing them," he said, remembering the scene.
Ginny poured herself a second cuppa, smiling at her brother.
"Gin, when do you think our kid will come back? I wanna teach her to play duck, duck, goose."
Ginny shrugged. "I'm not sure. Last I heard from her, she was telling me she was living with Fluffalupagess, Big Bird, and Elmo; I suppose they've already taught her that game. Sorry, Ronnie."
Ron looked highly disappointed. "I was hoping she would live with Arthur and D.W.," he frowned a bit.
"Oh you know children, always rebelling against what we want for them." Ginny said, as Ron nodded in agreement.
"We'll just have to have a second one then."
"But Ronnie! Kermit the Frog has been courting me! What would I tell him?"
Ron frowned and kicked the floor. "Well, Miss Piggy has been asking for my number quite often, so maybe I should give her a chance. I don't think pigs can produce babies who can fly, though."
"Well," Ginny thought suddenly, "We should just go visit the Stork! He can give us some person's baby for free, and we can check to make sure the wing-buds are on its back!" She smiled with how smart she was.
"I can't see why we can't just set Kermit and Piggy up!" Ron scowled, "Then we wouldn't have to worry about them!"
"You know how much Kermit hates Piggy, Ron! But, I think we should move on a bit, Ron. I mean, we should raise a kid from the stork! He'll get us a kid, and we both can raise this baby on our own without us having to....!"
"But Ginny, I'm a man slut, I need to screw around to survive. Its like breathing or eating."
"Like I didn't know that, Ron," she replied matter-of-factly. "I am your sister, after all. But, you and someone else can screw around. We have to be parents." Ron looked very disappointed. It was at that moment Hermione came running into their home. "It's the gray elephants! They're on a rampage!"
"NO NOT AGAIN! LIKE...MAJOR DEJA VU MAN!" Ron shrieked, "HURRY HERMIONE TAKE OFF YOUR TOP ITS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE!!!!"
Hermione, frazzled as she was, obeyed and Ron got a dopey-extremely pleased-man sluttish look on his face.
"Oh shag off you two!" Ginny snapped, running to the window to see a herd of grey elephants tap dancing across her lawn.
"Oh, No!" Ginny said, horrified. "It's worse than I thought! They're doing the MATING CALL!!" (Music in background: DUN dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!)
"OH MY GOSH, So that means...."
"YES! EVERYONE, COVER YOUR EARS!"
As if on cue, the lights dimmed and a large elephant in a blue, sparkly suit sat on a stool, holding a microphone.
He raised his trunk and started to sing.
"Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time!
Like a virgin
When your heart beats...
(Background singers: "With your heartbeat")
Next to mine!"
Now, the elephant started belly dancing.
"Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last!
OOH OOH OOH!"
Finally, two by two elephants went off to rent a room at some sleazy hotel for the night.
"I wish I was an elephant." Ron said dreamily, "I'd love to be in a cheap hotel with some whore right now."
"Oh go shag off Ron!" Gin and Herms said together.
"Gladly, any suggestions?" He said cheekily.
"Yes. Your hand." Ginny shot back.
"Oh, hush you two," Hermione said dreamily, looking out the window. Ginny stood next to her saw that a male elephant was serenading her.
"No! HERMIONE! :: Slow Motion :: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ginny tackled Hermione matrix style, throwing her to the ground, "No Hermione! Don't let those elephants deceive you! YOU ARE MY LESBO LURVER!"
"I beg your pardon?" Harry asked from the doorway, "I've been shagging both of you and you mean to tell me your lesbos!?"
"Harry! I - can - explain!" Hermione said, trying to find words. "I'm BI! Not lesbian! BI!"
"Oh, that's okay then," Harry said, satisfied.
"Yes it would be, wouldn't it Harry!?" Ron shrieked, tears streaming down his face, "You told me I was your only one! YOU SAID I WAS YOUR SHINING STAR!"
"What about me!?" Ginny asked, "We have a winged baby Ron!"
"Ron? Ronald is that you?" Professor Mcgonnagal asked, wandering in. "Ron! It is! Oh, Ron, I've missed you, lovey buvey cutesy wootsy hunny!"
"PROFESSOR?!" Ginny, Hermione, and Harry cried in unison as the elderly professor took her hair out of the bun and flipped it around.
"It's Minerva," she said seductively as she sauntered over to Ron.
Ron looked at Harry, Ginny, and Hermione apologetically, "You know that flippy thing I do with my tongue?"
The three nodded.
"Well Minerva taught me that in 3rd year."
"So THAT'S what you were doing when me and Harry were using the time turner! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!"
"..It does?" Ginny asked. Before Hermione could answer, Harry pointed to the window.
"IT'S TALULA! IT'S TALULA! SHE'S FLYING SO WELL!" Everyone ran to the window, wiping away tears at the beautiful sight.
Talula even grinned and turned, landing and started to walk to the house.
It was so beautiful.
One of the gray elephants (in their tap-dancing spree) stepped on Talula like a fly gettin' squashed by a fly swatter.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Harry shouted dramatically falling to his knees.
"Harry..." Hermione asked softly, "Who was your baby's mama?"
Harry looked around, and then muttered, "Well...umm...Narcissa Malfoy.."
"WHAT!?" Draco cried, running into the house.
"What is this?! Hogwart's Reunited?!" Ginny asked, aghast.
"Awe, it's just like the reunion to the Brady Bunch!" Hermione said, oogly-eye-ing Draco, who winked several times, licking his lips.
"That's right, my late daughter was your half-sister!" Harry shouted, sounding much like some guy straight out of a cheesy day-time soap opera.
Draco, however, was completely ignoring Harry, throwing himself on Hermione (who was strong enough to hold him in her arms lovingly) they snogged each other senseless.
"That's so wrong...and, so BEAUTIFUL!" Ginny cried. "Isn't it Ron? Ron? Ro-oon?" She looked around and screamed at the closed door to the bedroom, where she swore she could hear "GIVE IT TO ME MINERVA!!"
A few minutes later Ron came out of the room looking uberly pleased, and uberly sexy considering he hadn't bothered putting his shirt back on. All the women (and Harry) in the area swooned.
But, don't think the men didn't get a little - eh hem - "somethin somethin." Along with Ron being shirtless, Minerva came out shirtless as well. No one swooned, however. Everyone quickly ran to the bathroom, attacking each other over the toilet so they could throw up.
(Mag: In the background you should be able to hear "Do your boobs hang low, do they waggle to and fro...")
Hermione walked over to Ron and started to cry. "Ron...I'm sorry for always telling you to shut up...and having Crookshanks nearly kill Scabbers (before we found out he was Peter, of course) and...oh! I love you!" Ginny rolled her eyes.
"But Ron doesn't love you! He loves ME!"
"ONLY BECAUSE HE HAS TO!" Hermione pinned Ginny to the floor. Then, Ginny stood up and gave Hermione the ole one-two.
Ron shouted happily, "Rip her shirt off Gin! That's right Herms, don't let her get the best of you!"
Finally he simply swung one girl over each shoulder and took them into the bedroom, a jealous Harry, Draco and Minerva glaring at the door. When they came out, the girls were magically 9 months pregnant.
Everyone acted like nothing happened, laughing about how they knew it would happen someday. They were so happy about the pregnancies that they even invited some of the gray elephants to dinner!
One of the elephants got quite starved, and picked Ron up in his mouth and ate him.
JUST. LIKE. THAT.
"No! NOT MY BABEH DADDEH!" Hermione and Ginny screamed in unison.
"How am I going to get a phoner now!? (Mag: Liz remember that? Liz: YES HAHA)" Harry shouted as he took out a knife (no one knew where he got it) and sliced at the elephants stomach.
The knife broke, however, and didn't cut through. With a roar, the elephant ran away, Ginny chasing after it screaming "YOU HAVE MY HUSBAND SLASH BROTHER SLASH BABEH DADDEH IN YOUR STOMACH YOU WHORE!" The elephant then turned around and started chasing Ginny.
"Well, they're together now," Hermione said optimistically.
And down floated the ghosts of Ron and Ginny, making out.
"Ew..." Harry said slowly.
"I concur, Harry." Hermione stated, "RON WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M PREGGERS!"
"Oh Right." Ron's ghost said, and flew off after the elephant, and came back in a smellier version of his body, "The elephant pooped up my body, didn't digest it to well either...how lucky!"
"Oh go take a shower Ron!" Hermione shrieked, pinching her nose.
Ron nodded and ran towards the bathroom. Harry shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortably. Then ran after Ron, into the shower.
"Harry, is that...?" Ginny asked, pointing at the sky.
"OH MY GAWD! It's the DARK MARK!" (music: DUN dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!)
"Oh my Gods, Harry! You know what the black mark does to muggle-borns, don't you? IT MAKES THEM TALK WITHOUT THE SPACE BAR!" Ginny said, fainting.
"Idon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout,Ginny," Hermione frowned.
"What are you two girls doing in here anyway? Harry and I are trying to take a shower...but Hermione...you could join us..."
"What about me?" Ginny asked, hurt.
"You're dead, remember?"
"So are you," she frowned.
"No I got my bod-"
Hermione grabbed Ginny's hand and they all took a shower together. And then they came out, clean and BoOtIfULl! They felt so clean and beautiful that they decided to have a party.
They were now sprawled out on the floor, working out the guest list.
"I think we should invite Bert and Ernie," Ginny reccomended.
Ron nodded and added them to the list.
Ron looked up, "Hey Gin...I just realized something."
"What Ronnie Poo?"
"We're alive again."
"So we are! Now add Kermit to the guest list!"
"No way, he's always trying to sleep with you!"
"That's the idea," Ginny said, grinning mischievously.
At the party, Ginny and Kermit, Harry and Miss Piggy, and Ron and Hermione slow-danced to a wonderful ballad by Ernie HIMSELF.
"-Rubber duckie, you're the one.
You make bathtime LOTS of fun!
Rubber duckie I'm AWFULLY fond of you!
(Bert in background: OOH BOO DE BOO!)"
Everyone clapped wildly at his wonderful rendition of the heartwarming classic. (how many clichés can I put in a sentence?)
As Hermione wiped tears from her eyes (the song was just so beautiful...), both her and Gin went into labor.
"Wee!" Ron yelled, "My kids are bein born!"
With a squeeze, Hermione's baby popped out of her....
"Awe, it's so cute," she said as the baby fluttered around on it's lil wings...aw..
Suddenly, everyone heard (and felt) a rumbling..
"OH NO! ANOTHER STAMPEDE!"
Quite tragic, really. Never even got a chance. But, now they're all shagging merrily in the place where dead wizards go. Their parents would be so happy.
A/N's: Don't ask where that came from...We hope you all got a good laugh out of that! Hugs and Smoochles, and please review & tell us if we should keep making stupid, pointless, funny oneshots? Mwah, Mwah!
Ron- I think it's quite unfair you killed us off.
Gin- Yea, I never even had my kid!
Hermione- ::sticks tongue out:: HAH!