Summary: Lupin Tonks, Moody, Black. Remus makes sure Tonks can listen in as the Boys get the Talk.
Author Notes: Occurs during Order of the Phoenix shortly after Harry is brought to Grimmauld Place.
This relies on the physical features of Lupin as presented in the PoA movie. Written Oct 16, 2004. Disclaimer: The characters belong to JK Rowling. The story was written for the pleasure of playing with her characters.
CAN'T HURRY LOVE
The Game of Love
"Tonks, drop everything you're doing," called Alastor Moody as he quickly stumped into her office at the Ministry in the late afternoon.
Tonks literally fulfilled his request as the parchment in her hand went flying. Moody's entrance had surprised her. Worse, he had disturbed her daydream about Lupin.
Moody ignored the chaos as Tonks gathered her things and continued his explanation "I've cleared your assignments for this urgent mission."
"I hope this is quick. Remus said he should be home tonight, so I was planning on dinner with the Weasleys."
"Order Headquarters is our second destination in fact. First, we have to transport the goods." Moody was already walking out of her office, so Tonks had to hurry to stay by his side, although he disappeared around the corner.
When Tonks made the turn she was trapped by a freshly hung banner that read: Preserve, Perfect, Prune. She untangled herself muttering, "Where the blazes did this come from?"
After a successful escape, she called, "Where are we going, Mad-Eye?"
"Blackpool. I owe a debt to Agnes Longbottom and I intend to fulfill my obligations."
Tonks frowned. The Longbottom name was quite famous among the Aurors for the tragic lives of Frank and Alice Longbottom. She sympathized with their son, a friend of the teens staying at Grimmauld Place. "Wait a minute. Are you saying we're going to--"
"Collect Neville Longbottom." Moody stood by a floo.
"Why? Is he in danger?"
"Mortal danger if I don't intervene," confirmed Moody. He turned to Tonks and added, "His Gran says it's time the boy got the Talk."
"The talk? Oh, that talk." Tonks let that thought settle in and then cringed. "Mad-Eye, why do you have to take him to number twelve for the Talk? Trying to scare him into abstinence?"
"No, the men have got it all planned. See, young Weasley and Potter are both coming of age, so Arthur and Sirius thought we'd join forces to have the Talk. Brilliant, no?"
Tonks held back her disbelief. She could only pray that Lupin made it back in time to protect the innocent.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Now, boy, I'm only going to say this once..."
The boy's face turned pale. Paler, rather.
"Don't be frightened, Neville, you'll get to see your friends." The woman's voice was reassuring.
Some color returned until he started listening to Moody again.
"...The charm will make you deaf and blind until I end the spell, but it should wear off within a minute. At least, most times it does. If it doesn't, we'll whisk you off to St. Mungo's..."
The boy emitted a squeak.
"The odds are in your favor, Neville." The feminine voice was calm.
The boy became silent, but nodded.
"...We won't answer any questions about where you are, so remember, you are to stay quiet unless we are talking about sex. Understand?"
"Yes, sir, no talking except about sex." Neville reiterated without thought. Then it registered. He squeaked, "Sex!"
"Don't worry, Neville, you won't suffer alone," assured Tonks.
Neville relaxed, but decided to keep the woman between him and Moody.
Of course he wasn't, but Neville would rather go off with the two Aurors than face his grandmother's wrath. He just prayed he wouldn't embarrass himself and faint.
- - - - - - - -
"You're going to what?" asked Lupin calmly. He had just returned to Grimmauld Place when Sirius dragged him into the kitchen for an urgent discussion.
"You know, the Talk," said Sirius and added a thrusting motion with his hips in case his celibate friend still hadn't gotten the picture.
"The iconic gesture wasn't necessary, Padfoot," said Lupin. "So, in your infinite wisdom, you have--"
"And Arthur," interjected Sirius.
"Fine, you and Arthur have decided that ganging up on Harry and Ron to discuss sex is better than a one-on-one scenario?"
"Yes, well, if one of us misses something, the other one can jump right in. I thought you'd appreciate our good judgment in this," said Sirius half to himself. "Oh, and Moody's bringing Neville Longbottom, too."
Lupin frowned mildly and said, "Right then, I'm sitting in on this information session."
"All virgins are welcomed," responded Sirius magnanimously. He patted Lupin on the shoulder and said, "You'll sit with the boys."
- - - - - - - -
Tonks led Neville into the house behind Moody. She shifted the boy carefully to avoid upsetting anything in the hallway, but wound up losing the battle to the umbrella stand again. But this time, long arms reached out to catch her fall.
"Up you go, Tonks," said Lupin as he put her on her feet. He was rewarded by the brightest smile he had seen in days.
"Wotcher, Remus! Glad you're back." Tonks noticed that Lupin wasn't letting go of her arms, so the smile remained in place.
"Ron and Harry are in the kitchen with Sirius and Arthur. I'll join you in a minute," said Lupin to Moody.
"Finally going to listen to some advice, eh, Lupin?" Moody put a hand on Neville's shoulder to lead in him to the kitchen as he mumbled, "About time that lad learned a thing or two."
"You don't think Moody will cast an imperturbable charm, do you?" Tonks flashed her eyebrows suggestively.
Lupin said with a wink, "I'll offer to do it."
"Great! Where are the women of the house?"
"Molly is upstairs talking with the girls."
"About sex?" asked Tonks.
"No, sweaters. She's giving Hermione another knitting lesson," responded Lupin. Then, almost shyly, he asked as he released her arms, "Are we still seeing each other later?"
Tonks bit her lip and whispered. "You may not need seduction lessons after they get through with you."
"Oh, I'll need the lessons along with a lot of chocolate. And probably a stiff drink of firewhiskey."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tonks knocked on the girls' bedroom and poked her head around the door, "Ginny, do you mind if I borrow those Extendable Ears?"
Molly looked aghast. "But, Tonks, dear, the men are going to talk about, ahem, you know."
"Molly, don't you think it's time the girls learned how clueless men really are?" She noticed how alert the girls had gotten and added with a sly wink, "Besides, you need a good laugh."
Molly frowned, but the mischievous twinkle in Tonks' eyes was too infectious. "Hand them over, Ginny."
Tonks quickly set them in front of the kitchen door, only to find another set there. She looked up the landing to see Fred and George grinning at her, giving her a thumbs-up.
"So, you boys have already had the Talk?" she asked as she breezed by them.
"Men, Tonks. You meant to refer to us as men," said George as he stood to his full height and puffed his chest out like his twin. Tonks looked particularly attractive tonight with her hair a midnight blue.
"Men don't need to claim the title, boys," said Tonks with a quick pat to their shoulders. "Do you have any of those Forgetful Frogs left?"
"Yeah, in fact, we've resolved the regurgitation issue and improved the minty flavor," said Fred with some pride.
"Good. You might be needing them before the night is through."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
"I'll take care of the imperturbable charm," said Lupin as he entered.
He was trying to keep a straight face. It was obvious the Men were serious about doing their duty to the boys. He didn't think that having them facing off across the table like criminals was making them feel comfortable, though. On top of that. Moody's idea of effective lighting was a candle glowing in front of each man. It cast a rather sinister shadow on their faces.
Harry was flanked by Ron and Neville so that each boy faced his guardian. Lupin thought it best to settle beside Neville in case the boy fainted. On the other hand, perhaps being unconscious would be to the boy's advantage?
Lupin crossed his legs and leaned back comfortably, nodding reassuringly to the boys. Harry and Ron relaxed a bit and shifted in their seats. Neville remained wide-eyed and stiff.
The Men quit conferring and faced their charges. Arthur began after steepling his fingers in front of himself. "I think you boys know why you're here."
The boys nodded while Lupin quirked an eyebrow that clearly indicated his skepticism.
Arthur cleared his throat before continuing. "Well, now, Ron, tell me. Fred and George have told you all about, er, growing up and, you know, the naughty bits of your body, right?"
Ron gulped. Fred and George had indeed told him many things, but he doubted they were all true. Still, if agreeing helped shorten this information session, he would give it a go. "Yeah, Dad, that's right."
Arthur smiled. He had only really ever talked to Bill about sex and had relied on each son afterward to pass the information down to the younger brothers. "And isn't it true, Ron, that Harry here is your best friend, right?"
Ron looked at Harry, wishing the other boy were being put on the spot instead of him, but again agreed, "Yeah, that's right. Harry's my best mate."
"And you share everything you learn with Harry, right?"
"Well, yeah, I mean, most things--"
"Good." Arthur stood up abruptly and said, "Looks like our job is finished."
"Oh, no you don't," said Sirius as he grabbed Arthur's sleeve. "How do you know what Fred and George have told Ron? He probably thinks that you grow hair on your palms if you touch yourself."
"You mean that's not true?" asked Ron with a squeak.
"Told you," muttered Harry.
"It was eyes," murmured Neville. "Gran said eyes would grow on your hand."
"Nothing happens," said Lupin. "It's only normal to explore these feelings as you grow up." At their skeptical glance, Lupin merely held out his hands palm up. "Trust me, no hair even on full moon."
"How many times a day would you consider normal, exactly?" asked Ron of Lupin. "For young fellas like us, I mean."
The Men all muttered a different number before Lupin could respond, so he merely said, "See, it depends on the person. Now, gentlemen, I believe your intention was to explain a bit more?"
"Right," said Sirius as he took control of the session. "Boys, you've probably noticed for some time now that your bodies are changing. Just think of it as acquiring a new friend. A friend that has a lot of impulses that can lead to a world of pleasure--"
"With the right girl," interjected Arthur. He could practically see Molly frowning, "And at the right time."
"Want to continue this, then?" asked Sirius.
Arthur nodded, gaining confidence. "Your new Friend can surprise you at any time by his, um, stiff posture..."
"Oh, that was delicate," muttered Lupin.
"...but remember, sometimes these things just happen. Luckily for you, wizards generally wear robes! And maybe sometimes when you dream, your little Friend will, um, weep in frustration."
"It's called a nocturnal emission. They happen after spermarche," said Lupin.
"Mark who?" asked Neville with a nudge to Harry. He had decided he would only listen to Lupin's voice.
"I dunno," shrugged Harry as he noticed Ron was also waiting for an interpretation.
"Spermarche. You begin to produce sperm which means you are capable of creating a life."
"Ah." The boys nodded in understanding.
Arthur sighed in relief and nudged Sirius. "Why don't you take over now?"
Sirius nodded in agreement. "There will come a time when you will decide to explore these feelings in the company of a young lady."
Lupin nodded Maybe this could be salvaged for the boys after all?
Sirius' voice gained a wistful tone. "Remember that there is no creation so divine as the body of a woman. And if you want to gain the greatest pleasure for yourself, you need to focus your attention completely in making sure she finds pleasure from your kisses, your touch and, um, your little Friend--who won't be so little if you really want the woman."
"Right. Kisses, touch, Friend," said Ron with a determined look on his face.
"What's a kiss like?" asked Harry. Neville merely nodded as if he, too, had the question.
"Well, there are different types of kisses," said Sirius. "But they're all wet. You don't want to grind your mouth against her lips, you want to be gentle, but firm."
The boys looked completely puzzled, so Lupin whispered, "Like when you eat ice cream."
"Ah!" The boys nodded.
"I like ice cream." "Can we have some later do you think?" "D'you mean kisses or ice cream?"
"Boys, focus!" said Moody and they all gave their attention back to Sirius.
"Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Remember that you're not trying to touch her tonsils or suck out her breath when she lets you explore her mouth with your tongue--"
"Is that sanitary?" "What if she's eaten cabbages?" "Wouldn't that feel like slugs?"
The expressions on the boys' faces were clearly distraught, so Lupin said, "Think of rolling a piece of chocolate on your tongue."
"Oh, that's not so bad," muttered the boys in variation.
Sirius prevented himself from rolling his eyes. He was dealing with a bunch of losers, Lupin included, he thought scathingly. He cleared his throat to get their attention.
"A girl doesn't want you stopping every few seconds asking for permission, either, but if she quits responding, she probably feels uncomfortable. If she begins pushing you away, obey her wishes."
Lupin nodded at this, but then put his hand over his face in exasperation.
"That's usually enough to get on her good side and you'll have her shirt off in no time!" added Sirius with a grin.
"Um, about that. I mean, a girl's, you know, Twins--" began Ron.
"Thanks, Ron, now I'll be calling them Fred and George," grumbled Harry. Arthur suddenly looked green.
"Pavarti and Padma," said Neville with a dreamy expression.
"Look, how about I put this in terms you boys understand? Like quidditch?" asked Moody as he interrupted. With their nod, he continued and emphasized his description with gestures. "Fine. Consider that a girl has two quaffles. Now, you don't want to claw the quaffle, but hold it firmly."
The boys mimicked Moody's hand motions, but Lupin reached over to stop Neville who had been moving his hands like pincers.
Sirius felt like beating his head against the table, but instead took up the next bit of information. "Now, a woman's, uh, quaffles are very sensitive and indicate she wants you, too."
"Ah." The boys looked like they had been handed a magic bullet.
"Or simply that she's cold," added Lupin. He had asked Tonks about that after the wet t-shirt incident, so it was fresh on his mind. In fact, he smiled as his mind wandered to Tonks.
"Oh." No magic bullet then.
Sirius glared at the saboteur, but Lupin merely inclined his head. "Now, you can think of your new Friend as the broomstick you ride in quidditch. You need a sturdy broom to do well in the game."
Lupin couldn't resist. He raised his hand and asked before being called upon, or certainly ignored, "Does the size of the broom matter?"
The death glare came from all three men, but the boys all leaned forward, eager for the reply.
"Of course not," muttered Moody. "It's not the broom, it's the skill of the rider."
"Ah," came the voices in harmony.
Harry then asked, "Quaffles, brooms. Where does the snitch fit into all this?"
"Watch your mouth, boy!" admonished Moody.
"Snitch," clarified Lupin. "He said snitch with an i."
"Oh, right, well," said Moody. "Finding your release with a woman is like when you catch the snitch to win the quidditch game."
"But what if you're a goalie? Does that mean you'll never, uh..."
"What if you don't play quidditch at all? Or you're not very good on a broom?" whispered Neville with concern.
"FORGET ABOUT THE DAMN QUIDDITCH!" Moody's magic eye was spinning and his good eye was twitching.
"Whew! That was close. I was worried I'd start associating sex and quidditch," said Ron as the boy's all shared a sympathetic shudder. Lupin's shoulders were also shuddering, but more from his suppressed laughter.
"Gentlemen, are you going to mention something about responsibility? Or contraception?" Lupin prodded.
"That's my purview," announced Moody. "All right boys, take out your wands."
The boys looked at each other nervously thinking this was yet another metaphor. Ron finally shrugged and began reaching for his zipper.
"No, boys, Moody literally meant your wizarding wands," informed Lupin.
"Ah." Three common sighs of relief accompanied this news. Soon wands were lying on the table--except for Lupin's who figured he'd use his to hex someone.
"Good, good, none were stored in back pockets, I see. Good way to keep your buttocks intact. Boys, what you see before you is your secret to sexual success."
"You don't think he means?" "I'm trying not to think actually." "Oh, Merlin, tell me we don't..."
"You don't. Now calm down and listen," said Lupin.
Moody then pointed a finger at them as he began his exposition. "Now, first I'm going to teach you a spell to make sure that you are, indeed, with a girl. Unless one of your cares to be with another boy, in which case we'll owl Sturgis Podmore to come over."
The boys all looked at each other, then abruptly avoided eye contact as they shook their heads.
"Right. So, first, you must determine you have a real girl. That one is aperio corpus."
The boys were muttering under their breath, so Moody nodded.
"Next, you need to check for invisible chastity belts. It's a variation on the first. Aperio tutis."
"But only the parent or guardian can remove the spell," interjected Arthur, to which Sirius emitted a barking laugh.
"So if you find one, go on to the next girl," said Moody.
Sirius was about to interrupt when he felt Lupin kicking him under the table. Then he registered Lupin inclining his head to Arthur and the pieces fell into place. He held his peace.
"Now, once you have an accessible and willing girl, the next step is to cast a spell to prevent transmission of diseases." Moody pushed three scrolls across the table to the boys. "I've made a list of the twenty most common ones."
"Homework?" "But it's summer." "I can't even remember our passwords."
"I've also added contraceptive spells. I'd advise two or three for each partner. Then, finally, you need to make sure you haven't been seduced by one of the Seven Sex Fiends."
"Mad-Eye, are you making this up?" asked Sirius seriously. Even Arthur had leaned forward to get a good look at Moody's sincerity.
"Hmf. As I was saying, the Seven Sex Fiends can do quite a bit of damage. First, there is the Succubus. She'll steal all your, uh, little soldiers, which means you're very essence could be used for the Dark Arts."
"Oooh." The boys all leaned back away from Moody.
"But there has been no sighting for 75 years, Mad-Eye," interjected Lupin.
"Obviously the Ministry didn't take my report seriously, then. Anyway, that's not the worst. The most evil one is the Merisu."
"But Merisus are so easy to detect. I've been dodging them successfully for years," said Lupin.
"Then they weren't true Sex Fiends. Now, let me continue with the other five..."
At this point the boys lost all hope. Even Sirius and Arthur kept cringing. Not only was Moody describing in vivid detail how their very manhood was in mortal danger by these various fiends, Lupin had to argue the accuracy of each point with him.
By the time Moody was finished, Harry and Ron were hiding their faces with their hands, Neville had become glassy-eyed, and both Sirius and Arthur had pained expressions.
"Are there any questions?" asked Moody, satisfied that he had conveyed all the dangers to the boys.
"Is there anything wrong with being, what's that word?" asked Harry of Ron.
"Hermione would know it." Ron wished she were here. No, actually, he didn't want to associate Hermione with sex.
Neville just whispered to Lupin. "Is it over now?"
"I think so, Neville. And you're thinking of the word celibate. No, there is nothing wrong with that, either, as long as you're not letting your fears dictate your behavior." Lupin realized the irony of making this statement and figured if Tonks was eavesdropping, she was getting a chuckle.
"Look, boys, maybe we should take this up in private later," said Arthur.
The boys nodded at this.
Sirius looked at them, then emitted a barking laugh. "You poor boys. Listen, I think that if each one of you is as lucky as your own father, then you'll be just fine"
- - - - - - - -
The boys were released and hurried up the stairs. They had little time as Moody had to get Neville back to Blackpool before dinner. They ignored the giggling coming from the girls' room. They felt a bit jealous that the girls had all the fun while they had to endure the Talk.
"Quidditch, anyone," called Fred as the boys reached their room with Neville in tow. A small scuffle ensued with the Twins clearly at a disadvantage since they were laughing so hard.
"Wait. Peace. We offer the Forgetful Frogs," said George as he helped Fred sit on Ron while each held off Harry and Neville with their hands.
Neville stopped. "You mean, there's a way I can forget all this and not blame it on myself?"
"You simply sample our products," assured Fred.
"Another innocent victim," affirmed George. "There's enough for everyone."
- - - - - - - - -
"Well, that was hellish," said Sirius to Lupin. Only the two remained in the kitchen.
"You'll do better one-on-one, Padfoot," said Lupin. He put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You were my best source of information."
"But you never put the knowledge to use, you git," responded Sirius with a light dope slap to his friend.
"Remus?" called Tonks from the hallway.
"In the kitchen," called Lupin. He whispered to Sirius. "Maybe it's finally coming together for me."
"I think I'll go talk to Buckbeak. I need some intelligent conversation about now." Sirius gave Tonks a quick pat on the head on his way out as she entered the kitchen.
Tonks quickly walked to Lupin and took his hand in hers. "What would you say to getting some take-out to eat at my flat? I don't think I can face the boys tonight without bursting into laughter, so I know I'll embarrass them."
"I think that would be a good idea," said Lupin.
They closed the door of number twelve just in time to feel the first raindrops. The downpour that followed was a soft, gentle rain.
"Do you want to apparate at your flat?" asked Lupin as he drew her back under cover of the awning.
"You know, I feel like a walk in the rain," said Tonks
An umbrella immediately appeared in his hand. "Then a walk it is."
Tonks threaded her arm through his. The umbrella offered shelter and a sense of intimacy. And that, she thought, was a nice way to begin a seduction lesson.
Neville's Blackpool background was garnered from the essay at the Harry Potter Lexicon that describes his character. It sounded good to me, so I incorporated it into the story.
None of the spells are canon.
Hope you got a laugh. The characters were supposed to be caricatures--although you might be surprised at how "clueless" even intelligent men can be. Hope I didn't offend anyone; this was just for laughs and was meant to be a "disaster." Thanks for reading and reviews.
Only two chapters. Need to get to seduction lesson.
This is a story in a series that I'm writing about Lupin and Tonks developing a relationship. It can be read as a stand-alone, but if you want its predecessors, just hit Queriusole.