Author Note: Okay, uh… Warnings for this chapter. Yaoi (well, duh) accompanied with the abuse of drugs and pure stupidity. (in the characters, not us.) And a car chase that includes more stopping and waiting than chasing, and a sock puppet. We do not find it morally advisable to have car chase scenes without a sock puppet.
Disclaimer: We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. If we did, then Haga and Ryuzaki would have died.
Plot: After uncovering the horror of the Toonshipping couple (Pegasus x Kaiba), Kaiba and Pegasus decide to get rid it of it once and for all! How? With Gozaburo's old nuclear stash, of course! With Shizuka tagging along, (and with Jounouchi and Ryou aimlessly trying to catch up) they embark on an epic journey— thus encountering Yami no Malik and his drug dealing buddies, the diabolical Santa Clause Noah and his evil Nuclear Polar Bear Minions, along with the FBI, who is under the control of… ok, now we're just giving too much away. But boys—if you read it to the end there's fan service! (although with a catch.)
Genre: Romance/Action Adventure/Humor/Mystery
Yuugi/Yami no Yuugi
…and probably others on the way.
Warning: Rated M (R) (Restricted) For Sexual Implications, Sensuality, Homosexuality, Cursing, Drug Use, Randomness and "All-Out" Insanity.
-Imperfect Paradise (Yamiko) & Somebody Else (Mihoshi)
Death To Toonshipping
By Imperfect Paradise & Somebody Else
Insert Chapter Name Here
Kaiba blinked. He honestly did not know what to make of a silvery purple… thing… at this point in their quest. Perhaps she had come to grant wishes? Kaiba shook his head, attempting to clear it of such idiocy. He briefly wondered if Pegasus was contagious.
The Fairy Princess, meanwhile, was happy to see someone who looked relatively sane (read: Wasn't a pink and fluffy bunny), but was slightly less happy when the "sane" person kept staring at her like he didn't know what was going on and kept shaking his head at her. Perhaps he didn't understand the question. Speaking a bit louder, and enunciating, she asked again, "Where is Ryou?"
This made Kaiba more confused. Shizuka saw this and tried to explain. "I was waiting for him." Why the hell would a fairy princess be waiting for that candy ass? Maybe she was his fairy godmother here to turn him into a girl? No, wait… fairy godmothers weren't young and beautiful. They were always little old ladies. "I mean… uh… we were gonna do things…" So maybe she did mean to make him a princess. "In the car, I mean… heh… …y-y'know." The stutter reminded him of the stutter Jou got when he tried to discuss sex with an outside party. This put a goofy grin on his face. The "Fairy Princess" misinterpreted the grin. "You won't tell my brother, right? I mean, young love and all that." Wait…
"Shizuka!" Suddenly Kaiba realized that under the artificially rosy cheeks and lips and about the "fairy dust" was his lover's younger sister. Who was waiting in a car. For Ryou.
Shizuka, naturally, misinterpreted the exclamation of her name. "I know. It was wrong of me to even think of it, right?" She laughed in relief. "I'm so glad I have a brother-in-law who understands!"
Kaiba blinked. Of course he meant to tell Jou! It was his little sister, and… did Shizuka just call him brother-in-law? Did she really think of him that way? Judging by the big, grateful eyes… crap. "Of course I understand Shizuka." God, Jou would kill him if he ever found out, but… the girl was cute. (A/N 1)
"So… uh… where's Ryou? Bunny boy has been going on about nuclear weapons and evil artists 'and gold diggers means California'."
"Ah, yes, well Pegasus isn't completely sober. Come to that, neither am I, but I'm one of those drunks who can deny it." As long as nobody realizes I can't remember their name… "But, uh, I think I can shed some light on the situation. We are on a noble quest for vengeance against those rouges who would come between me and your dear brother!"
Shizuka gasped and gave a little, fan girlish squeal. "Oh, big-brother-in-law! That's so brave! Is some evil man trying to seduce my big brother?" Then she gasped again as a thought occurred to her, "Oh no, it's not another evil millionaire trying to marry his daughter to you, is it? She can't have you! You're spending the rest of your life with my brother, and you're a part of our family now."
Kaiba would surely have interrupted and corrected her, had he been able to breathe. But at some point in her little speech, Shizuka had felt the need to firmly secure herself to her "brother-in-law" by attaching herself to his ribcage using her apparently bionic arms. Pegasus took the opportunity to give Shizuka a standing ovation while wiping tears from his eyes. Kaiba rolled his eyes and pried his "little sister" off of his lungs. After regaining his breath, he said, "It's not quite that bad. You see, here is our situation—"
Pegasus jumped up and down and squealed, "Ooh! Ooh! I want to tell the story!"
Kaiba heard these words and his face transformed into a sour, omigawd sort of expression. Pegasus explained, "See, there is a nuclear bomb that we need to get to in order to kill that thing that was really ugly and burned my eyes and might get me jail-time, but that's alright because according to that stupid maze, I'm trapped anyways. And I always will be now"—his eyes started tearing up—"because Kaiba-boy went and burned it!"
Kaiba rolled his eyes and then hung his head low in defeat. No wonder Shizuka couldn't understand what the idiot was saying! Sigh… There was only one thing left to do now. He spoke, loudly enough so Pegasus could hear it. "…Ears."
With that, Pegasus's abnormally low attention quickly averted once again. "OOH! THAT'S RIGHT!" With that, he took to watching them, laughing as they bobbed up and down on his costume, trying to bat them with his hand.
Kaiba, looked somewhat strained, looked at Shizuka and spoke. "First things first: Forget "EVERYTHING" he said."
Shizuka looked at him, and then back at Pegasus, before she looked at Kaiba and spoke, "Done."
Kaiba let out a sigh in relief, and explained, "Okay… Here's the down-low." Man I am drunk. "While surfing the internet I came across an ominous evil that I dare not explain. Whatever it was, Pegasus and I are caught in the middle of it. Now, not all of Gozaburo's bases have been dismantled—and there is only one left. So, Pegasus and I are heading over to the north pole to arm ourselves and we are going to blast the creator of that heinous uh… 'thing' into an oblivion!"
Shizuka stared at him for a grand total of ten seconds. (insert cricket noises in the background). Then her eyes teared up and she brought her hands up to her face and cried. Kaiba explained, "Well—look, Shizuka. I'm sorry if I hurt you—you being caught up in this and all—I wouldn't uh—Jou would never—but this is something we have to do and—"
Shizuka looked at him, angrily and explained, "What about the environment Kaiba? Global warming is already bad enough without you blowing up trees!"
Kaiba paused for a moment. He then opened his mouth and explained, "Oh! Don't worry Shizuka! It's an urban environment!" I think.
Shizuka immediately stopped crying and hopped back into the car (she had gotten out to hug her 'brother-in-law") with a happy little noise. "Alright then! Let's get those jerks who don't understand the sanctity of your love for my brother!"
"Right!" Getting in the car, he couldn't help but think, I'm going to have SUCH a hangover in the morning…
Ryou and Jounouchi were now driving in Honda's car (an old rusted 1996 Black Jeep Cherokee with an ugly dent in its side) which was in desperate need of a smog check—this was so because black smoke was erupting from the exhaust. Said smoke, was rising into the trees, where squirrels and raccoons collapsed, released themselves from the braches and fell dead on the ground.
Ryou looked at this and cried, bringing his hands up, sobbing, "Why did you have to pick Honda's car, Jounouchi! Why couldn't you have chosen that nice Hybrid that Mou Hitouri no Yuugi has!"
WHAT! NOW THAT FUCKING BASTARD HAS A HYBRID? I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL SLAUGHTER THAT LITTLE BITCH, DAMNIT!
'Voice, for the last freaking time, shut up!' (A/N 2)
Yeah, well hurry up and bang Shizuka already! You're wasting valuable time!
'Stop being crude! When I find Shizuka we will make love, like two affectionate human beings, not 'bang' like some pandas against a screen door. And since when are you… wait… Voice?'
'Do you still have that camera?'
Hey, Ryou! What would you prefer? One hundred and twenty minutes or three hundred and sixty minutes? I know you'll only last ten, but I thought it would be polite to ask…
Before Ryou could give Bakura his worst (the silent treatment), Ryou's question sank through Jounouchi's drunken haze and was processed by his (less than functional) mind. "… … …Hybrids suck"
Ryou let out a sigh, until he saw something red dash across the road. Said red car, had a silver-haired pink bunny, a chestnut brown bowl-headed CEO and—"
"SHIZUKA!" He grabbed Jounouchi shoulder, shook it and cried out, "JOUNOUCHI-KUN! FOLLOW THAT CAR!"
Jounouchi meanwhile, was staring up at a billboard, bearing an advertisement for the newest Hybrid car with busty blondes hanging out of it. (A/N 3) Staring up at it, he grinned, "Wow… I want to get me one of those…"
Ryou then reached over for Jounouchi's seat and placed his foot on the petal, speeding up to catch up with the red car with his beautiful fairy princess sitting in the back seat.
They continued to drive until they finally reached the free-way. Ryou was catching up on them—
—when the light before the onramp turned red. Ryou (being the honest person that he was) stopped and waited—moaning as Shizuka, Kaiba and Pegasus got onto the high-way with no problems. Jounouchi pointed at them and asked, "What are you doing? They're getting away?"
Ryou turned towards him and said quietly, "Don't worry, this will be quick…"
"Alright class—remember, hold my hand and the hand of the person next to you…"
Ryou, upon hearing this, looked up towards the pedestrian zone on the street. There was a little old lady, with an apron that said, "ABC's are fun." And there, as far as the eye could see, a long stream of elementary schooled children, all wearing cute and cuddly costumes—with no less than six Funny Bunnies—were all holding hands, preparing to cross the street.
Ryou stared at this and his jaw dropped. He thought, Shit… They were singing the world's most annoying song, which, surprisingly, wasn't "The Song That Never Ends." No, this was a long forgotten torture, used by children back when parents still spanked, an auditory assault serving as penance for physical misdemeanors, "You can't ride in my red wagon, with that broken axel dragon—Same song! Next verse! Little bit louder, little bit worse…" And so on into the next verse. Which was, even as it seemed impossible, louder, and yes, much worse.
The light had already turned green, more than once. Jounouchi grabbed Ryou's shoulder and squealed, "HEY! SPOT THE COSTUME! Five points for a fairy, twenty five point for a Funny Bunny." Ryou, having sat back in his own seat, had taken to sobbing against the side of the wheel, moaning, "Shizuka…"
Meanwhile, back at Pegasus's mansion… Otogi crossed over to the window, cigarette in hand. It was such a lovely view. True, it wasn't as lovely as the view behind him, but then nothing could compete with the view of a recently ravished Honda splayed out on the couch. Otogi cracked the window with his right hand, letting a cigarette dangle languidly from his left hand.
Honda, drawn from his place on the couch by the sight of his lovely Otogi backlit with silver moonlight, wrapped his arms around his love. He stretched his neck over Otogi's shoulder to steal a hit of the cigarette. With smoky breath he said, "I don't know why you think that a view of the parking lot is pretty."
"You have no sense of poetry, love. The moonlight shines on the cars, like a… wait… Cars. Where's my convertible? It was parked under that willow tree! The moonlight should be bouncing right off of it and exposing it's candy apple goodness! Honda, my car's gone! Oh, god!" Otogi dropped the cigarette, which Honda thankfully caught.
"My god it is… Hey… mine's gone too! W00t! Now we can collect the insurance."
Otogi looked over at him and glared. "Excuse me, I'm angsting over here!"
Honda had the decency to look ashamed. "I'm sorry. Would you like a hit of the cigarette? I can make you coffee, too."
"That's alright, we'll do coffee later. Right now just get me a pen and paper so I can do poetry."
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have sex?"
Otogi glared. He was one of those odd little people whose angst made him feel special. "Honda, angst is a wild and delicate thing, now get me writing materials before it goes away!"
Honda sighed. He didn't really like it when Otogi wrote angst poetry, because it was painful and made his head hurt, and he always had to drag Honda to a smoky café where it could be read to "people who understand." However, not aiding him in the angstiness meant no sex, and Honda had a pretty one-track mind. "I think I saw some paper in the sitting room across the hall. I'll put on pants and go get it."
Otogi smoked dramatically.
Ryou was slumped back in the passenger seat, resigned to dying a virgin. Jounouchi was singing along with the children. Then, suddenly, miraculously, they were all on the other side. Jounouchi stepped on it and they got on the freeway.
The freeway was terribly congested, but Jounouchi proceeded to perform several illegal maneuvers that Ryou would have had trouble with when he was sober, forget drunk. It was about the time that Ryou sprained his ankle against the windshield that it occurred to him that it might have been wise to buckle up. The voice seemed to be praying in a long forgotten language. And then… "w00t! Found 'em!"
They were still going fast, but the world was no longer swerving wildly, and it seemed to be mostly right-side-up. Ryou adjusted himself so that he was actually sitting in his seat, and then he buckled up. Then he looked around and realized… "JOUNOUCHI, WE'RE IN THE CARPOOL LANE YOU IDIOT! YOU NEED AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE TO BE IN THIS LANE!" (A/N 4) Ryou immediately began imagining all the horrible things that could happen if he went to jail. He was too pretty for this, damnit!
"I figure that my little sister is more important than some lame traffic law!"
Ryou couldn't argue with that, so he settled for wondering how the hell Jounouchi managed to stay in his seat through all that since he didn't appear to be wearing any kind of physical restraints, seatbelt straightjacket or otherwise. Then they saw it. A car, a red convertible, that actually had three people in it, pulled into the carpool lane. One person was pink and fuzzy, and one was purple and shimmery. Jounouchi sped up.
Unfortunately, he had failed to notice the police officer sitting off to the side of the road. Said police officer dropped his cup of coffee, got into his car, turned his sirens on and proceeded to chase after him. The idiot (Jou) sped up. "JOUNOUCHI-KUN, WHY ARE YOU SPEEDING UP! YOU'LL JUST MAKE THINGS A WHOLE LOT WORSE WHEN WE GET CAUGHT!"
"Chill out! I never get caught!" Except that the freeway was too congested for Jounouchi to weave again, and the officer was gaining, and he was going to run Jou off the road…
"First of all, boys, the carpool lane is for cars bearing three or more passengers—"
Ryou had thought of this. Reaching down underneath the car-seat, he said innocently, "But look, we have a third passenger!" Holding up a makeshift sock puppet, he attempted ventriloquism with a rather high pitched voice. "Hello! I'm Mr. Sock! I'm the third passenger today! How do you do?"
Jounouchi turned so that Ryou couldn't see him and mouthed, Schizophrenia.
"Uh… ri—ght… I'm gonna have to ask you boys to do a breathalyzer test."
"I volunteer to go first!" Shouted Mr. Sock.
"Uh… ok… Well… If you could all get out of the car."
Jounouchi got out of the car and smiled politely at the officer, trying to charm his way out of things as best as he could when he was drunk. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "My friend has recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia and we haven't yet found a combination of drugs that will work on him."
"I was taking him to the hospital because this latest drug seems to be making his hallucinations worse. We were at a party, and I know I'm not sober, but we were all spending the night and nobody was expecting to drive, so I was the least trashed next to Ryou. I figured it was better to have someone a bit trashed driving than someone completely hallucinating, and really…"
Meanwhile, in the car…
A sock puppet?
'Shut up, Voice—I mean it.'
'I said shut up.'
That was the most pathetic cover story I've ever seen—yah moron.
… …You will "never" get laid.
"SHUT UP VOICE!" It was a moment before Ryou realized that the he said that out loud. That was the moment that the police officer shoved his head in the window. Ryou buried his head in his hands and proceeded to have a small breakdown. "Ohgodohgodohgod, I'm too pretty! Voice is wrong, I will, I just won't be willing, I—"
"Uhhhhhh…" The officer turned back to Jounouchi. "Okay. I see the problem, but It's really dangerous to drive drunk and—"
I can't believe you just wigged out in front of cop like that, you candy-ass.
"SHUT UP, VOICE! MY LIFE SUCKS ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU MAKING IT WORSE!"
The officer sighed. "Look kid, you just go ahead to the hospital. Try to be careful, though, alright? He may be bad, but he's not dying, and speed probably won't matter all that much in the long run."
"Yeah, I'll be more careful."
"Thanks." The cop clapped Jou on the shoulder, and returned to his patrol car.
Jou got in to the car, not believing his good luck, and drove away. Ryou couldn't believe this. "Oh, so now we're running from the cops?"
"Nope. He let us off."
"Wha… what? I went and had a mental breakdown and he let us off? WHAT THE HELL!"
"I told him you were schizophrenic."
"Why… why would you do that?"
"Two words: Sock puppet. And, y'know, with you screaming out things randomly, it was a pretty easy story to maintain."
Ryou cried out, almost on the verge of tears, "Jounouchi! That's not nice! You know I have a three thousand year old spirit living inside me! I can't help it! It's the Sen-Nen Ring!"
Jou snickered. "I would have loved to see you explain that to the cop."
Ryou groaned and buried his head in his hands.
- TO BE CONTINUED-
The following is not meant to be counter fanfictionDOTnet format. These are merely author notes. They are not meant to counteract the rules or restrictions of the webmaster's policies in anyway. Thank you for your attention.
Author Note 1 – This is NOT silentshipping. This is puppyshipping, ladies and gents. If you want silentshipping, you're welcomed to read To Freeze Her Heart, Crimson Descends, My Torture Ends a Week From Now, ect. (Love and Lust in Ancient Egypt doesn't count. I don't consider Seth x Shizuka to be Silentshipping—sorry) or other s-shipping fictions written by other authors (I can recommend a few). Kaiba is just confused (and he happens to be BI, but that's not the point) and soon to be flattered. There will be nothing between him and Shizuka except family styled love (and sibling conflict to come). Thank you.
Author Note 2 – Okay, Mihoshi and I have messed up. In the manga (according to dear Emiko) Ryou Bakura referred to Yami no Bakura as "voice." We'll fix that up in the first chapter as soon as we can.
Author Note 3 – Oh yeah. Jou happens to be Bi too.
Author Note 4 – Actually, California state law requires at least "two" people. But then Ryou and Jou would have gotten off too easily. (laughs wickedly)
Random Note: Wow… That was quicker than I thought. (Yamiko here) Anyway, Mihoshi and I worked on this last night (this will be the last thing updated this weekend, I'm standing by it this time). Now, in you review (if you are kind enough to take the time) please keep in mind that there are TWO authors here. So please, when you are addressing us with your compliments, criticism, mate-mail and gratitude, make sure the subject is plural—Thank you.