AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is just an idea that evolved out of procrastination one day. It's my first Pirates fanfiction, but I've read loads of them. And no, the Sues in this fic aren't taken from any other fic. They may be loosely based, but they're not directly taken; believe me, one doesn't have to take a Mary Sue from anywhere to get her to sound familiar. They're all alike. Oh, and this doesn't have anything to do with Life in Fandom.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the things you recognize. At least, I don't think I do.

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The Happy Medium

By: Peacenik

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It could easily be said that Vila Borcka was the most beautiful woman in the world.

It could easily be said that about any woman, really, except that in Vila's case it could only be said as some sort of cruel joke. Vila Borcka was tall and skinny, with hair of the "dishwater" or "dirty" blonde persuasion. Her ears were slightly pointed, but in a way that was more like a genetic disfiguration than any sort of relation to Elves or magic anything else of that sort; aside from those few notes, there was nothing else one could really say about her appearance.

Of her in general, one could say that she was rather quiet and currently asleep on the blindingly white sands of somewhere.

Vila herself was completely unaware of this fact. She had gone to bed last night in her bed, and as of yet hadn't awakened. She was having a rather pleasant dream, actually, which had something to do with Back to the Future.

How ironically appropriate.

-------------------

Captain Esperanza Grey was the most beautiful woman in the world, without question.

She was tall and slender, with curves in all the right places. Her hair was long and fell in a silver-gold sheet down her back. Her eyes were the color of lavender, and held the wisdom and mystery of the ages, which was really amazing as she was only about twenty-one years old. Her nose was perfect, her ears were perfect, her lips were perfect, and her forehead was perfect. Everything about her was perfect and glamorous and beautiful.

This of course spawned from the fact that she was the daughter of some wealthy duke living in the Caribbean, who had been forcing her to marry some old man in France that she despised, and had shipped her off to Paris for her marriage. Of course, at the first given opportunity, she had escaped and, using her incredible intelligence, fighting skills, and beauty to her advantage, had become the most feared pirate ever, and also an Independent Woman.

But of course, you didn't need to know that.

Esperanza was currently (gracefully) pacing the deck of her ship, the Zenevieva, in front of a group of prisoners.

Despite the fact that the Black Pearl was the most feared pirate ship in the Spanish Main, and its crew members were hardly stupid, Esperanza had managed to capture them all (which probably had something to do with her incredible intelligence, fighting skills, and beauty). She paused for a moment, and examined the other captain. "Captain Jack Sparrow, I presume?" she said (in her musical voice).

"Aye," Sparrow said, and suddenly – completely against his will – his heart was filled with undying love for this gorgeous creature who stood before him. He had to restrain himself from kneeling down on the deck and pledging said amorous feelings to her.

Damn, not again, he thought desperately, shortly before his brain turned to mush.

-------------------

Vila opened her eyes slowly, and began to sat up, when suddenly –

Hello, Miss Borcka.

The voice didn't so much speak as it resonated. However, Vila got the distinct impression that it only resonated in her head.

"Hello," she replied cautiously.

Do you know where you are, Miss Borcka?

"Er – am I dead?" she asked.

You are far from dead, Miss Borcka. You are in the Caribbean. On a very significant island, as a matter of fact.

"Oh, that's good, then," Vila said, looking around despondently. The island didn't look significant; it looked rather...well...small.

You are somewhere between the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, I believe, the voice said carefully.

"I've always liked history."

You are taking this rather well, you know. Most girls who get dropped in here are a bit...stupid. And they have a strange fascination with rum.

"I don't drink."

Have you ever heard of fanfiction, Miss Borcka?

"Yes. I haven't written any slash, though!" Vila added quickly, in a way that definitely meant she had.

And you are familiar with Pirates of the Caribbean the voice continued, ignoring her.

"I suppose," Vila said, wondering when she was going to begin panicking.

The voice paused. And you are not – obsessive?

"I wouldn't say that," Vila said reprovingly.

Neither are you stylishly indifferent?

"I don't think so."

Then, Miss Borcka, you are exactly the person I need.

"Glad to be of service," Vila said affably, and fainted.

-------------------

Will Turner, despite the fact that he should have been happily married now, possibly with a child, was among the Black Pearl's crew.

The story of his joining was short: Elizabeth had died, in a freak accident involving a cliff and a frog, and Will was depressingly un-sorry. She had been rather a bi— rather an unpleasant person, anyway, he had decided cheerfully; and, conveniently forgetting his lifelong hatred of pirates (possibly stemming from the fact that they killed his father), had signed up to join Jack Sparrow's crew.

Now, he should have been regretting that decision, but found regret difficult given the glorious creation of God that paced the deck before him.

She was beautiful, with long silver-gold hair that fell to her waist and eyes that held secrets, and a glamorous name. He could immediately tell that he was going to fall head over heels –

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, the part of Will that was still Will thought forcedly. They've killed her off, but she's not really dead, once this is over I can get back home to --

At that moment, Esperanza's purple eyes fell on him.

He had about as much chance as a snowflake in Hell.

-------------------

Miss Borcka, you will awaken! the voice rumbled inside Vila's head. Her eyes snapped open, and she sat up straight, barely managing to keep herself from saluting.

You are familiar with the Mary Sue phenomenon? the voice continued, as though nothing had happened.

"I think so," Vila said.

You hate them? The voice sounded almost as though it were egging her on.

Vila hesitated. The truth was, she'd always been a bit – well -- jealous of Mary Sues. Oh, they annoyed her, of course, but she rather felt sorry for them sometimes; after all, there were Mary Sues in real life, too, and nobody ever tried to obliterate them. Vila herself could even have been a Mary Sue, if she'd only fallen into the head of the right author (the right author being the sort who recognized the surname "Borcka" as being both cruel and unusual).

You hate them? the voice said again, and there was a distinctly threatening edge this time.

"Yes, sir. Ma'am. Thing." Vila sighed. "Why is this happening to me?"

I believed I had already made that clear. You are not obsessive, nor indifferent. You are not beautiful, yet not...toadish. You have no discernable skills or talents about you, but neither are you an idiot.

"Thank you."

You, Miss Borcka, are a Happy Medium.

-------------------

Esperanza Grey smirked at Jack Sparrow, and several more male hearts swooned.

It was a bit pathetic, really.

"You're on my ship, now," she said, still smirking (attractively), and nodded at the Black Pearl. As one, the prisoners turned.

Their beloved ship was overrun with blindly loyal crew members of the Zenevieva, any one of whom would have taken a blade, bullet, or grenade (if they could do it in Monty Python, they could do it here) for their beautiful captain.

Unsurprisingly, Jack's mind wasn't so much concerned with the loss of his ship as it was with how he could get Esperanza into bed. Some small part of Jack was trying to fight this, was trying to yell that he was Captain Jack Sparrow, for God's sake, when had he ever cared more about a woman than he did about his ship, and those idiots were going to get greasy fingerprints all over the wheel – but that part of him was drowned out by some strange, un-Jack-like force.

Clearly, there was evil at work here.

"Well, now, Captain," he slurred, "it would seem that ye've taken o'er me ship." His heart was pounding while he said this, and his palms were beginning to sweat; the compulsion to go down on one knee before Esperanza was overwhelming, but he fought it. The strange, un-Jack-like force in him said "Not yet." The small bit of Jack that remained had retreated into a corner of his brain to sulk.

"It would seem that way," Esperanza said. Her eyes flashed, apparently for no reason. All males assembled quivered, and the blindingly stupid thought that 'this one was no one to mess with' entered each of their minds in turn, despite the fact that 'to mess with' was not a term any of them had heard before.

"How can ye be a captain, missy?" called Gibbs. "Ye're a woman."

And what a woman, all males assembled thought.

"Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't be whatever I want to be," Esperanza snapped. She was beautiful when she was annoyed.

Actually, she was beautiful anytime.

It was disgusting.

"Now," Esperanza began, as the Black Pearl began sailing away (although nobody really cared, at that moment) "You are on my ship, where I give the orders, savvy? James," she gestured to a random crewmember, who was staring at her in adoration, "untie their bonds."

"Aye aye, captain." James did so. Esperanza smiled sweetly.

"We will escort you to a port, at which point we will proceed to loot and plunder your ship before leaving you. And then you will always remember Captain Esperanza Grey." She tossed her hair (it caught the wind and shimmered for a moment). "However, until we put in to port, you will be treated as part of my crew."

"Fair enough, Captain," Jack said, saluting. Esperanza turned on her heel and strode (gracefully) into her cabin.

-------------------

You see?

"Er – well – her dialogue's rather...bad, isn't it?" Vila said. She had been watching the proceedings in something that was rather like a television, a mirror, and a globe combined.

She lacks personality.

"Yeah, but that's all she lacks." Vila sighed. "And I'm supposed to get rid of her?"

I have found, in my extensive research concerning the effects of Happy Mediums on Mary Sues, that the former tends to have a negative effect on the latter.

"Then you must know other Happy Mediums, why did you choose me?"

I ran out of choices.

"How?"

She could almost imagine the voice shifting uncomfortably. Occasionally, the Mary Sue is too powerful and a reverse effect occurs, resulting in the...loss...of the Medium.

"What happened to your last Happy Medium?" Vila asked in horrified fascination. "Did she become a Sue as well?"

If you happen to board the Zenevieva for any reason , you will find a grease spot on the deck. That is what happened to my last Medium.

Vila digested this for a moment, then paled. "What do you expect me to do, then? I mean, if your last Medium couldn't stand against her, then what makes you think I – "

I told you, the voice snapped. I ran out of choices. Don't begin thinking you're any sort of Chosen One, that's the first step in the road down Sueism. Demoralizing, isn't it?

Vila flopped backwards in the sand. "What do I have to do?" she asked glumly.

-------------------

"Luvverly creature, in't she?" Jack grinned, throwing an arm around Will's shoulder. "I tell ye, whelp, that one – "

"Don't, Jack," Will said, looking at him soulfully. (The small bit of Will that remained banged its fists on the wall of Will's brain, but to no avail.) "She's ...she's beautiful."

"Aye, an' intelligent too. An' strong, an' a great captain." Jack stared out at the sea. "Ever been in love, Will?"

Elizabeth! Elizabeth! screamed the remainder of Will. However, the rest of him said, "Not until now, Jack."

The two pirates glared at each other. The gauntlet was thrown.

Or something.

-------------------

The Zenevieva cut smoothly through the water. She and the Black Pearl had been sailing for some time, and nobody had been doing anything aside from wandering the deck and occasionally slipping on the mysterious grease spot on the Zenevieva that had been there since their last trip to Tortuga (where Esperanza had singlehandedly fought off all the men who had accosted her). However, at the first sight of land – a small island – the crew sent up a cheer.

After all, it is a well-known fact that pirates like nothing better than having bonfires on small islands, particularly ones where they've already been...

"Same spit of land, isn't it, Jack?" Will asked tersely as Jack approached him. "You're back again."

"Aye, but this time the company'll be better n' ever, boy." Jack grinned. "I've got some plans to show our gorgeous captain the scenery here. Lovely scenery it is, really."

Will snapped, and whipped out his sword. Jack whipped out his own sword, and the two proceeded to fight like two stuffed pirate dolls.

It really was saddening to watch.

-------------------

"Who's going to win?" Vila asked, craning her eyes to watch the swordfight. The two ships had drawn close enough to the island that she was able to see at least part of what was going on onboard, although she still needed the screen/globe/mirror to hear.

Whoever Esperanza wants to win, Miss Borcka.

"Don't you mean whoever the author – "

No, I mean Esperanza. That is the danger of Mary Sues...once they are created, they manifest themselves and take control. There is no stopping them.

Vila looked witheringly at the air around her. The voice sighed.

All right, I mean whoever the author wants to win.

Vila suddenly leapt into the air. "Jack just pushed Will off the ship!"

He'll be swimming here momentarily. You might want to avert your eyes, Miss Borcka. I know what comes next.

-------------------

Esperanza grabbed Jack and immediately pulled him into a passionate kiss that drew cheers and catcalls from the crew, which had assembled around Jack and Will during the swordfight. Will watched from the water below, his heart shattering into a million pieces and settling on the floor of his stomach. His inner Will cheered.

It would be amusing to say Esperanza kissed like a donkey, but unfortunately, she didn't.

"You defended my honor," Esperanza said smoothly when she and Jack broke apart. "Thanks."

"Any time, luv," Jack answered breathlessly.

-------------------

"Defended her honor?" Vila said incredulously. "No, he didn't, Will did!"

Continuity problems. Another symptom of – The voice disappeared rather suddenly. Vila looked around for it, then realized the exact pointlessness of looking for a voice, and stopped.

Will Turner was coming up the beach.

He looked disproportionately handsome, and unfairly heartbroken. Vila sighed. Faces like Will's were not made for heartbreak. They were made for...she considered. Well, they weren't made for heartbreak, at any rate.

Behind him, the rest of the crew – including Jack and Esperanza, the latter of whom was still stubbornly denying any attraction she had towards Jack –were paddling towards the island in little boats. Vila dove behind a nearby tree, then realized something.

"This shouldn't be here," she hissed. "Elizabeth burned the trees – "

Ah, but this author is denying the existence of Elizabeth, the voice said, startling her and making her let out an embarrassingly high-pitched shriek. Will, still on the beach, looked around in confusion.

"You're back," Vila whispered, watching Will.

Only because I forgot to give you instructions.

"All right."

Something small hit her on the head, then fell gently to the sand. She picked it up; it was a small bottle labeled 'Canon.'

Use in moderation, the voice warned her. One drop of this is usually enough to restore everything to its rightful state.

"But you said your last Medium – "

Be careful, Miss Borck, the voice said loudly. Good luck.

"How do I use – "

Aim for the Sue. And the voice was gone.

"Aim for the Sue," Vila muttered. "And it's that simp – oh."

Esperanza had reached the beach. She climbed gracefully out of the boat, though how it possible to climb gracefully out of a boat is still one of those mysteries that has yet to be solved.

The globe/mirror/screen had muted a lot of Esperanza's outrageous beauty, probably for safety reasons. Esperanza's hair didn't shimmer, it gleamed, in the same way that her tanned skin glowed. Her eyes were much brighter and more dangerously mysterious than Vila had thought, and she had about her a sort of perfection that had been much understated. Vila felt a sort of hot jealousy spark through her.

'I could have been her,' Vila thought. 'I could have been that, I could be that, if I really wanted to.'

But at that moment, her eyes fell on Will, who was gazing around the island. There was something wrong with him, besides the uncharacteristic look of despair on his face; there was something wrong about his eyes. They seemed too... dull.

Esperanza strode up the beach, smiling (beautifully) at Will, who flushed and looked at the ground. Vila felt her jealousy turn into anxiety. Soon, she was going to have to go out there and canonize someone, which she'd never done before but had the feeling she was going to have to pick up as she went along.

"We'll make the bonfires here," Esperanza's musical voice sang. "And I think back there, Captain Sparrow, is where we'll – "

Vila gribbed the bottle of Canon tightly in her hand and stepped forward.

"Stop," she called, her voice shaking a bit.

Esperanza turned towards her. "Who are you?" she demanded, her eyes flashing. There was a massive male swoon behind the female captain, which Vila ignored with effort.

"I'm Vila Borcka," she said, wishing she had a more impressive name, "and I'm here to – " She paused. "I'm here to stop you," she finished lamely.

"Stop me from doing what?" Esperanza snapped. Once again, there was a massive male swoon.

"Stop you from existing, I suppose," Vila stammered. She was clutching the bottle of Canon so hard that it felt as though it were a part of her hand.

"Stop me from existing?" Esperanza laughed musically. "I've heard that before. You want to see the grease spot the last one of you left behind?"

Vila stared at her, and realized something. She could be the Sue, and ruin everything for everyone, but she wasn't. She was a Happy Medium. And, like the voice had said, she wasn't any sort of Chosen One – she was a last resort, actually, which was rather depressing – but being a Happy Medium was still something, wasn't it?"

"You're a Sue," Vila said, gripping the bottle of Canon as hard as she could. "You can't exist."

Esperanza glared at her. "They've tried that before, you know."

The bottle of Canon broke in Vila's hand.

She felt the blood run down her palm, along with a cool, surprisingly rough substance.

Without thinking, Vila slapped the Sue as hard as she could upside the head.

The effect was astonishing. Will Turner, who had been frozen, looking as though he were about to step forward, suddenly vanished. The crew of the Zenevieva, along with the ship itself, faded away. Vila felt the thud of something heavy hitting the ground behind her, and knew that the trees of the island had fallen. There were probably scorch marks on them, now.

Jack Sparrow, who had been paused half in and half out of his boat, suddenly vanished. A moment later, he reappeared on the deck of the Black Pearl, which immediately began sailing away. The rest of his crew reappeared around him, and began doing piratey things.

Far away, at the bottom of a cliff somewhere, the corpse of Elizabeth Swann-Turner sat up, un-decayed, and vanished. Elizabeth reappeared at the side of one William Turner a few seconds later, smiling.

But the most incredible change came over Esperanza herself. Her long, silver-gold hair changed to white-blonde, the part from her shoulders down vanishing. Her dark, myserious eyes became a rather murky brown, her perfect features morphed into normality, a pair of glasses materialized on her nose, and freckles sprouted all over her face and arms. Her curves shrank a good bit, and about six years of her life melted away.

Sighing, the girl tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm CalienteTurner6294," she said, holding out a hand wearily. "Which organization are you from?"

"None of them," Vila said, equally tiredly. She took the hand and shook it. "I'm Vila Borcka, Happy Medium."

-------------------

You did well, Miss Borcka.

"And I can go home, right?"

Very well, for your first time, the voice continued, ignoring her as usual. Although you want to be a bit more careful about how much Canon you use next time. Too much could upset the fragile fabric of unreality.

"Next time?"

Well, of course I'll need you again. There are always enterprising Mary Sues out there, Miss Borcka, waiting for their chance to claw at canon.

Vila sighed. She was still on the beach, sitting on a piece of burnt tree. Slapping Canon into the face of a Sue didn't seem like it would be horribly tiring, but then, this had been a rather long day. "Does it always have to be me?"

As I said before, I've exhausted all other options. Until another Happy Medium comes along, yes. There was a pause. But don't worry, the voice said reassuringly. I'll let you have some fun next time.

For the first time that day, Vila smiled.