Title: Head Over Feet
Rating: PG
Author: Mac
Disclaimers: Stargate and all related characters are property of MGM., Gekko Productions, and other people who aren't me. The song "Head Over Feet" was written and performed by Alanis Morrisette.
Author Notes: These are various entries from Samantha Carter's journal. I also kind of made up dates. For all I know, they're totally off, but there ya go.
April 20, 2001

Okay, I was never big on writing in journals, but the past few years I've been wanting to and this seems like a good place to sort out feelings. Daniel taught me that. I'm getting ahead of myself, lets start with these song lyrics...

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

Your love is thick
and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver
than I gave you credit for

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I think they apply to me. I know what you're thinking. Samantha Carter, she's the one who's in love with her CO, but nothing can happen between them or they'd get into trouble.

Newsflash!

Samantha Carter is not love with her CO. True, I care about him more than a subordinate should, but I think that has a lot to do with the nature of our work. And yes, I do love him. Stop giving me that look, it's not what you think!

I love someone who's not in the military. He isn't someone who would go around bombing people if he couldn't find a simple solution right away. As the song says, he's so much braver than anyone gives him credit for.

Oh, and he's quite good looking too.

How did I learn that he loves me? By accident, really. Janet was treating him for one of his many allergens when I overheard them talking. Yeah, I shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but he said my name and then started talking about Sha're. How much he loved her and how he knew she would want him to be happy.

"Sam makes me happy. She's always there for me and she knows just how to get me out of my moods." I could almost see him smile. "You know what I mean."

Janet laughed. "Oh yeah, I know."

So getting back to Daniel and Sha're. I remember finding him wondering the halls of the SGC after we had taken him from Abydos. He was so vulnerable and tried so hard to be strong. "You can't stay awake forever," I had told him.

"I can try," he replied, holding up his coffee.

And two years later, Daniel lost her forever. How much pain can one person endure in their lifetime before it destroys them? Daniel is so extraordinary because he doesn't let it.

July 25, 2001

One of the absolute best qualities of Daniel Jackson is heroism. There are so many examples so I'll leave you with the ultimate one. I'm sure you've already heard about it by now.

The Kelownan people were experimenting with a highly volatile substance called naquadria. While Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c, and I were exploring the planet, the scientists had caused some sort of nuclear reaction and Daniel stepped in to stop it because no one else would.

Daniel paid dearly for that. He was exposed to a lethal dose of radiation. I cursed the Kelownans for trying to accuse Daniel of destroying their work, but I kept silent. Colonel O'Neill was doing a mighty fine job of getting our points across by himself.

Janet told me there was nothing much we could do for Daniel. I knew it was bad when she mentioned him being better of if she... God, I don't even want to think about it now. I had shut my eyes and remembered something. The healing device!

Unfortunately, it didn't work. It only seemed to cause him more pain. When Dad came he and Selmak decided they would try their hand at healing him. It looked like it was working, but Colonel O'Neill suddenly spoke up.

"Jacob. Stop."

We all looked at him. Was he crazy?

"Does somebody want to tell me what to do?" Dad asked.

"Stop," the Colonel repeated. "It's what he wants."

What he wants? I was close to screaming. Daniel was dying, that couldn't be what he wanted! However, Dad believed him and stopped. I watched in shock as Daniel took his last breath.

And before I could even blink, Daniel was dead. "Colonel!" Janet cried.

We watched in shocked silence as a white wisp suddenly formed in front of our eyes. Daniel had ascended. Much like Orlin and Oma Desala. God, what had happened in that wonderful brain of his that he would leave like that?

I figured Colonel O'Neill must know or Daniel wouldn't have been telling him what he wanted. I vowed to ask him as soon as possible.

Colonel O'Neill was still in the isolation room after it had been sanitized. No remnants that anything had taken place were around. I found him sitting on the stool next to the bed.

"Sir," I said tentatively. I know how close he and Daniel had been. Daniel was like a brother to him. "How did you...?"

"He touched my shoulder and it was like I was in his mind. Omar Sharif, or whatever her name is, was there. He told me he had to go. That he could help more people if he were ascended. I think he convinced himself that he didn't do any good here and needs to punish himself for it."

I stared at him. I was shocked. How could Daniel think that? I asked the Colonel the same question.

"I don't know, Carter, but he did... does. Whatever. I gotta go."

Before I could say something else to him, he was gone. I looked around in the room and closed my eyes. I swear I felt something brush against my cheek as a slight breeze filled the room. "I love you," the breeze seemed to whisper.

June 14, 2003

It was another year before I ever saw Daniel Jackson again. Some might say I was crazy to believe he'd come back, but I knew in my heart one day he had to. Even if it didn't seem like it.

That year was so horrible. I immersed myself in my work and I tried to get Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c to talk about Daniel, but they wouldn't. They both seemed to be in denial.

I did talk with Janet, who finally got me to confess my true feelings for Daniel. I also admitted to hearing them talk about his feelings as well. She asked me why I never said anything to him.

I couldn't give her an answer then. I still don't know, but I'd give anything to go back to that day and walk into the infirmary just as Daniel spoke those words. Then we would both have had to confront those feelings.

So here I am just sitting and typing this journal entry. I'm waiting to leave for a mission to some planet that Jonas believes could be the lost city. I don't know why, but I have this feeling my life is going to change on that planet...

June 15, 2003

We're back. I was right.

Daniel has some form of amnesia. We figure it was because he tried to save the Abydonians from Anubis. I can only imagine how he's going to feel when he starts remembering everything.

Remembering... Speaking of that, Daniel asked me a question that I wasn't certain how to answer. He asked if we were ever involved. I told him we were really good friends. I didn't want to confuse him because we had never officially talked about it.

I need to tell him. But when? And how would I bring up the subject? I think everyone has noticed how quiet I am. Colonel O'Neill especially. He's with Janet right now as he waits for her to finish examining Daniel.

I couldn't be in there. Not with all these thoughts floating through my mind.

Okay, I had to stop for a few minutes. Teal'c came into my lab. He wanted to speak with me about my behavior. According to him, I'm not myself. I tried to tell him everything was all right, but he wasn't buying it. In fact, he knows how I feel about Daniel.

He told me that it would be hard, but I should wait until Daniel regained more of his memories. I agreed with him, but what if he doesn't remember that one conversation he had with Janet all those years ago. The one I happened to overhear?

June 29, 2003

I'm heading over to Daniel's in a few minutes to talk to him. He said he wanted company, but Jack and Teal'c were busy with... something. I'm not sure what, but I think Janet had a hand in it.

Not that I was complaining. I'd better get ready. I guess by this time tomorrow, I'll know if he's remembered anything. I just have to remember that he'll always be my best friend, no matter what!

June 30, 2003

I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. Last night was one of the most beautiful night of my life. Daniel was so sweet! He cooked a wonderful dinner of spaghetti and meatballs, he asked about my day and what I have been up to lately.

"So, how are things going?" Daniel asked.

"Well for me. Not so well for the General," I replied. "That device from P3R455 is absolutely nothing that we can discern. I told General Hammond, who in turn had to tell the President."

Daniel smiled as he poured me another glass of wine. "Ah, you mean that thing Jack referred to as a 'big, honkin' waste of time'?"

I nodded. "Yep."

"I can only imagine how much he gloated about that!" Daniel took my hand and we walked over to sit on the couch. He turned to face me and cleared his throat. "I want to confess."

"Confess what?"

"I had Janet keep Jack and Teal'c on the base tonight. There was something that I needed to talk to you about and it would never have happened with them here. If it didn't happen tonight, I don't think... What I'm trying to say is..."

Daniel stood up and sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was mildly amusing to see a linguist of his caliber so distressed and not sure how to say what he wanted to say.

I set my wine glass down and stood up to stop him from pacing. "Daniel, take a deep breath. This is me you're talking to."

"I love you."

Whoa! I was hoping for that, but wasn't expecting it right away. "You love me?" I asked. Daniel's face fell. Crap. Way to go, Carter! "I'm sorry, Daniel, I didn't mean it like that. I just didn't think you'd come right out and say it. I love you too! I am so in love with you. Your intelligence, your kindness. Everything about you."

His smile returned. "I love everything about you too, Sam. I'm sorry I was so stupid and waited until now to say anything. Janet had tried to get me to talk to you, but I wouldn't listen to her."

"No, I was the stupid one, Daniel. I overheard the two of you talking one day. I knew how you felt and I knew how I felt. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship. But now. Now I know that it won't ruin it. It will strengthen it."

"I want to be with you forever, Sam."

My cheeks felt warm as Daniel's lips descended onto mine. Yeah, I want to be with him forever too.