Title: Trust Me, I Know What I'm Doing
Author: Drake Tepes
Warnings: Humorous Character Deaths
Summary: Another Xander Halloween fic... Trust Xander, he knows what he's doing.
AN: Nooo, another Halloween fic. My brain has melted. Thanks to Mark for making my gooey mind readable.
- - - -
Xander looked through the toy bin at Ethan's, looking for something to get so he could go out that Halloween night as something more original than a soldier. So far he wasn't having much luck. This section had been pretty well picked over already. Just a few loose weapons, which really didn't make up a costume, just accentuated a soldier.
Stifling a sigh of frustration, Xander was about to give up and go with the soldier idea when he spotted something a toy in the bin. It looked kind of ridiculous, which, Xander thought, was probably why it was still there. The toy tugged at a memory and set a smile to his face. It'd be perfect. Grabbing a couple of other items from the bin he went to check out. He definitely liked the idea of this costume better.
- - - -
Xander stood outside the door in his costume and waited for his friends. The costume overall had come together well. He wore reflecting sunglasses, a striped shirt, mismatched tie and a gray sport's jacket.. A Sharpee had gone to work on a toy he'd bought to round out the costume. Now he stood there with a smile on his face.
He popped on in when Buffy opened the door and looked her over. "Well hello lady. I think I'll have to renounce spandex now," he said with his voice pitched slightly off. "After of course a nice comparison, so if you'll slip into the spandex so I can properly judge..."
Buffy slapped his arm slightly before giving him a curtsey. "Thank you, I think. But wait until you see..." Buffy saw Willow walking down the stairs in a sheet with "Boo!" on it, after Willow said "Hi", Buffy continued weakly, "... Casper."
"That's a nice boo you have there little lady," Xander said with a smile.
- - - -
Xander had corralled the kids he was to chaperone and was keeping a close eye on them, making sure the managed to get double helpings of the good stuff. Unfortunately no amount of attention could help him when, on the other side of town, Ethan finished his ritual. Xander doubled over for a second then stood back up and looked around. A moment of observation was given before he saw a kid running from two smaller... things. Reaching in under his jacket he pulled out a gun and fired a quick shot, hitting the thing in the shoulder and knocking it to the ground. It stayed there only a moment before it got up and ran.
Willow, having followed the boom of the gun, called to Xander when she saw him. He spun around at the yell and looked her up and down. "I could probably run you in for wearing that, shame a young girl like you out here like that. Go home before I give you a warning shot."
Not understanding Willow pressed on, "It's me, Willow!"
"Good for you, now go home."
"Xander, quite messing around. This is no time for jokes," Willow said with a glare.
"I'm not Xander lady, and I'm not your John. So move along and may the excessive force be with you," Xander said while looking around them both.
"You don't know me?"
"No, should I? Have I arrested you before?"
"No. Come on Xander, quit messing around... please?" Willow moved to slap his arm when her hand passed through.
Before her arm had completely passed through she was staring down the barrel of an overly large .44 silver magnum. "What are you?"
Not liking to be looking down the barrel of a gun, Willow babbled quickly. "Xander, listen to me. I'm on your side, I swear! Something crazy is happening. I was dressed as a ghost for Halloween, a-and now I am a ghost. And you were supposed to be a... a something, I guess your it. A cop?"
"You expect me to believe that you scumsucker?"
A monster appears across the street, growling menacingly. Xander points his gun at it and fires a warning shot into it's shoulder. Willow jumps in front of him before he can fire again. "No! No guns! That's still a little kid in there!"
"Well maybe the bullets will scare the kid out of it," Xander said as he tried to aim through her.
"That won't work!"
"Never know until we try," he said before giving up on the lumbering beast.
"No guns, that's an order Mister."
"Sorry little girl, but I'm not going to do what some street walker's ghost says. So just move along and I'll take out these yogurt sucking slimeballs."
"Please, we jut need to find Buffy. Okay? Let's find..." Willow paused as she saw Buffy. "There she is, come on." Xander followed Willow rather reluctantly. "Buffy, are you okay?"
The wounded monster and another show back up on scene and Xander smiles. "Guess I get to test out if the bullets will scare these so-called kids out of their costumes."
"What? No! Don't. Buffy, what do we do? Buffy?" Willow asked again, as Buffy spotted the monsters and fainted. "Oh no. Just, don't kill them okay? There really are kids in there."
"Fine then. Women," Xander said grudgingly as he clipped both the monsters, scaring them off.
- - - -
Xander had taken Buffy back to her home at the insistence of Willow. She'd woken up and started annoying him and he'd knocked her unconscious, much to Willow's ire. She had been going on and on about how he was this Xander person, and finally she had gotten him to look in a mirror. After commenting how the kid wasn't quite the looker he was, he gave in that maybe he was this kid. After he'd punched himself to make sure it wasn't a trick.
He was getting tired of the red-haired street walking ghost yelling at him for firing warning shots into the monsters pounding on the door. It came in handy a moment later when a girl who wasn't a monster needed help and he'd drug her in. Immediately Willow had begun talking to her.
Cordelia looked around a sec. "Wait a... What's going on?"
"Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of," Willow explained quickly.
"That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?"
"You know us?"
"Yeah. Lucky me. What's with the name game?"
"A lot's going on."
"Willow here says that we all became our costumes. Says I'm some maggot named 'Xander' or something," Xander said, his eyes taking in Cordelia for a second before her age clicked in to his mind and he stopped.
"That's great, but about me. I was just attacked by Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy. Look at my costume! Do you really think that Partytown's gonna give me my deposit back? Not on the likely," Cordelia said, looking at the torn sleeve and thinking about the money she had been planning to put toward a new pair of shoes.
"Okay, if we're our costumes how is it you're not?" Xander asked.
"Wait, you got yours at Partytown? Ours came from that new place 'Ethan's'," Willow said as she thought. "Maybe it was Ethan's costumes? I better go tell get Giles, see if he can help us."
"Where is this Ethan's place at?" Xander asked.
"It's downtown, can't miss it. Wait, why?" Willow said, looking up quickly.
"I'm going to go down there and take care of things," Xander said as he moved to the door.
"No, you can't, I need to get Giles and have him help," Willow said. But Xander wasn't listening and had already stepped out the door.
Xander turned back to her and spoke. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
- - - -
Xander found the place easy enough. He stood outside of it holding his gun and looked at the place. "Well, this is it Gun. Whatever happens now, well, you know. Let's get this floater in the toilet of life."
A shot into the doors and a kick later, and Xander was in Ethan's. Moving quickly when he heard a noise he pointed the ivory handled .44 magnum at the proprietor of the shop. One Ethan. "So you're the brain dead mutant who's behind this mess?"
Any bravado Ethan might have had fled as he stared down the barrel of the odd gun. With a slow nod, Ethan spoke a soft "yes."
"Well, now you can tell me how to stop it or I can interrogate you. I'm hoping I can interrogate you, you might like the circus. So tell me it's going to be the hard way and let me start the fun," Xander said.
"No no, I'll tell you. You have to destroy the bust," Ethan said quickly, motioning to the bust of Janus.
"All I have to do is destroy that?"
"Yes. Can I go now?"
"No, move over by the door and stand there," Xander said as he moved into the room and forced Ethan toward the door back into the shop. Moving next to the bust Xander reached into an interior pocket of his jacket and pulled out two grenades. "I'm glad I didn't take this thing to the dry cleaners," he said before pulling the pins and putting them next to the bust. Seeing this Ethan ran as fast he could into the main room and out the broken door, Xander following quickly.
Xander yelled stop and his finger began to pull the trigger back when the grenades went off, destroying the bust. A wave of energy rolled over him and he doubled over as Ethan escaped.
- - - -
The next day the group of friends met up in the library to talk to Giles about the nights' events. "So, do you remember anything that happened?" Giles asked the group.
"Not really, but my table manners have improved," Buffy said from her seat.
"I was pretty much me only, you know, ghostly. I remember it since, I guess, since it was me," Willow said.
"I remember all about who I dressed as. It was really kind of cool. I think that guy Ethan peed himself," Xander said smiling. A flicker of a smile crossed Giles' face at that as well.
"You know, I never did find out who you were dressed as," Buffy said looking at him.
"Yeah, and he, or you, well he, didn't say his name when we were together at all last night."
"Oh, I went as a character from a tv show I loved, here, look." Xanded pulled out the gun he'd had last night and showed it to them. The .44 magnum with ivory handles looked exactly like it did last night, but now both girls could see... something, set in the ivory handles.
"What's that in the handle? And how is this telling us who you were?" Buffy said as she looked at it.
"Oh, see, they're sledge hammers. Like who I went as, Sledge Hammer."
"Never heard of him," Buffy said.
"I think I remember him, but... I didn't like the show. It was odd and the laugh tracks were annoying," Willow said.
Giles, who'd had his back turned looking at a book, turned back around to see the gun held loosely in Xander's hand and pointing at him. "Xander, be careful and put that thing away," Giles said forcefully.
Xander grinned wickedly at Giles before saying, "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." As he said that, he sat the gun down on the table... where it promptly fired, going through Giles' office door and shattering his tea pot.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
Things changed after that for the group. Like when the Judge was reformed and it was said that no weapon forged could kill him. Xander's memories provided a good idea to that and a quick stop at a rather dicey army surplus store, and Xander had a nice tidy rocket launcher and... some other toys.
"Xander, I'm the Slayer. I should fire the rocket at the Smurf guy," Buffy whined.
"No. This is my rocket launcher, I know how to use it and it's rather close to me. I don't go playing with your panties so you should respect and not play with my rocket launcher," Xander counted.
"You're comparing panties to a rocket launcher?"
"Yes, I am. Now duck," Xander said as he rose up in the mall with the launcher on his shoulder. He enjoyed seeing the big blue Judge explode.
After Buffy had fought Angelus, the group had reconvened around the Judge's remains in the now abandoned mall. Giles looked down and gingerly picked up a few small pieces of the Judge and put them in a pocket. "The council will send a team to dispose of the Judge's remains. With pieces this small it should make it a challenge for anyone to put him back together again."
"No matter how many king's men or horses try?" Xander asked.
"Yes, quite," Giles said. His eyes glanced at the moping form of his Slayer and then at Willow and her boyfriend.
"Well, it's going to be even harder in a minute I think. But let's get out of here," Xander said as they all left out of the evacuated mall. Police tape outside barring everyone entrance, not even police or firemen were inside now.
When the group reached their vehicles, which were quite a ways down the lane, Xander pulled a small remote from his pocket, extended an antennae and flipped a switch. Giles saw this and looked at the boy. "Xander, what are you doing?"
"Making it even harder to put the Judge back together," Xander said with a smile. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." With that, Xander pressed a button on the remote. The entire mall exploded outward, debris flying everywhere as Xander watched with a grin.
It was three days before Willow would speak to him, two more days before Buffy would and another week and a half before Cordelia would. It took them each a different amount of time to mourn the mall.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
When Graduation came, Xander got to plan the attack on the Mayor. And as soon as he'd said "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" everyone ran away. By the end of the day, roughly a city block had been demolished. Xander had become a hero among the upper and underclassman alike. His name was still spoken in awe by kids, and kids singing "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school, we have tortured all the teachers and we've broken all the rules" dedicated it to him.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
The ADAM event was also handled differently. Xander talked Buffy into following his lead. He'd uttered the most fearsome words anyone ever heard from him, "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" and had her carry an old-fashioned cannon down into the Initiative. When asked how this would stop ADAM he calmly explained about well packed powder, squirrel shot and chains instead of a cannon ball. When he touched the powder off again as ADAM was laughing at the outdated weapon, the chains tore out like saw blades and ripped ADAM into tiny pieces. To make sure ADAM was gone, however, Xander had left behind some... toys. As soon as the survivors had been evacuated, the Initiative compound and part of Sunnydale University's campus was destroyed.
Xander Harris was said to be behind it again. Though this was the truth, it came about because of the high school. Those who started the rumor as a joke had no clue it was true. But no matter what, Xander was now a living legend.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
The final confrontation with Glory was fierce. No one trusted Xander this time, which was just as well as he really had no clue how to stop Glory. His idea for a large bomb to blow up the city earned him enough glares that he dropped the issue. They continued in their holding pattern, doing what they could. Glory managed, in the end, to capture Dawn and take her to the tower that had been constructed for the bloodletting ceremony.
Xander was on the ground, shooting the minions of the great Glorificus, when he spotted Doc on the tower preparing to cut Dawn. Seeing that Buffy wouldn't make it in time, he aligned his sight and fired three rounds into Doc. The bullets blew large holes in him and large chunks out of him. The force slammed him over the edge of the rail before he could lay a hand on Dawn. As he ran to make sure the creature was dead he saw Giles about to kill Ben, who was Glory's shell.
He'd talked Giles out of killing Ben, thanks in part to him still having the large gun in his hand as much as the sense he was making. Knowing Giles would honor what he'd said when he agreed not to kill Ben, Xander continued over to where Doc's body lay and fired a couple more shots into his body. Those shots assured that Doc's head was now separate from his body.
Dawn was now free and walking away with the group, out of the construction site. She was giving Xander a smile. "You're a pretty good shot with that thing. I didn't know you were that good."
"Well, I do practice a lot and take care of Gun here. The amigo and I are close," Xander said affectionately as he patted his gun.
"Can you show off for me? I want to see you shoot it," Dawn said, her crush on him having now magnified.
"Sure, what do you want me to shoot?" Xander said, not noticing the cringes from the adults walking with them.
"Um, I don't know... Oh!" Dawn said, as she spotted and picked up a quarter from the ground. "Can you hit this if I throw it?"
"Xander, are you sure it's wise to be firing off your gun this late at night?" Giles interjected.
"Giles, this is Sunnydale. The cops won't come out. Trust me, I know what I'm doing," Xander said as he nodded for Dawn to throw the quarter.
Xander drew quickly and fired into the quarter, striking it midair, dead center. As everyone looked at the quarter with a hole in it, no one thought to check to see where the bullet went. The bullet knew where it went though, as it struck a poorly connected join in the ramshackle tower that Glory's minions had built. The bullet cleanly ripped through the joint, causing a chain reaction that led to the tower collapsing. Unfortunately, Ben was still near the site and a ten-foot long metal pole slammed painfully into his... rear area. When the police investigated the area that morning, in the light of day, they found Ben looking like a pig on a spit. Wearing a dress.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
Sometime later, when the group of mega-geek-loser-virgins were hassling Buffy, there came a time when Xander could put his skills to good use. After Jonathan and Andrew were caught, there arose a situation that Xander could definitely do something about. When Warren came into the backyard with a gun, Xander, who carried around his gun twenty-four/seven (Anya used to complain about it laying on a silk pillow on their bed), had his own gun out and fired before Warren could even fire a shot. Xander's shot was true to form and Warren's gun flew out of his hand where Xan's shot hit.
Warren was looking straight down the barrel of the .44 and his water hit the floor. Unfortunately for Warren, when he peed himself in fright the stream hit one of his contingency plan gadgets. The electrical charge traveled up, following the stream, and fiercely electrified the source. Such was the electricity that the entire area was melted in a way reminiscent of the Nazi's that looked at the Ark in the first Indiana Jones movie.
Xander kept the gun trained on the pitifully mewling creature as Buffy called the police. Warren was arrested and quickly convicted and sentenced to life in prison. The lack of good police in Sunnydale led to the courts being bored and doing things very quickly. Warren had to undergo some reconstructive surgery on his groinal area, unfortunately (only to Warren) the surgeon was drunker than Otis when the liquor laws were relaxed. He'd gotten the orders mixed up and gave Warren the wrong features down below.
Warren would spend the rest of his life in prison. He is the most highly sought after bitch in the whole prison. Fifty menthol cools will earn you a little time with him... Oddly enough, Andrew went out and committed a crime just to be Warren's cellmate. He was greatly saddened to find out about Warren's change, but made the best of it by becoming his pimp.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
When The First unleashed the Turok-Han's, Xander went to his old standby of rocket launchers to protect the Potentials. Buffy tried her best to assume control of the situation, but after Xander made a small amount of homemade napalm out of packing peanuts and diesel fuel and set up a nice pump action delivery system, to have a homemade flamethrower, the Potentials backed him. After the discovery of the seal, many asked why he didn't just make more napalm and pour it down the hole. Unfortunately, he explained, the amount of peanuts and diesel needed was far more than they could get a hold of. The military grade, also, would be too expensive. But, with a grin to all his girls, he said he did know of something he could afford.
Buffy and Wood were both being petulant little shits about Xander taking charge, Giles had just given up and Spike was staying very quiet after a well-placed threat about a well-placed bullet. Faith didn't give much of a damn what happened. Willow and Tara happy to go along as they both trusted Xander. Dawn also trusted him, and Anya was fully supporting him. They'd gotten fully back together when the crisis arose and Anya was already telling him how she'd bought several hundred miles of land in Arizona. She was told it would be prime beachfront property one day, and the seller had thrown a golden gate in free.
The town had long been evacuated except for morons, moron demons and those fighting the darkness. As such Xander had free reign. No one understood what he meant when one morning he left the house saying he needed to go get some cake ingredients. When Giles asked him why he needed a cake when their food supplies were well stocked, Xander just smiled at him and said those infamous words. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." It was two hours later when a large explosion was heard. Moving in groups they tracked down the source only to find a smoking crater where the high school used to be and the seal now exposed to light but thankfully still closed.
Buffy and Wood had really thrown a fit after that, which Xander answered with flippant wit. Xander told him he'd have everything all set, that he'd ordered what he needed online and it'd arrive the next morning. No one was happy about this, but Xander just smiled at them, lowered the shades he constantly wore now, and winked.
The next morning a large crate and some smaller ones were delivered to the outskirts of town. Xander asked the two Slayers and some of the Potentials to help him move the crates to the school crater. Once all was delivered he sent everyone home, ignoring the protestations, and began to set things up using a crane and forklift he'd appropriated from a construction site. It took him hours to set everything up, but he knew it'd be worth it.
He told everyone that night to pack up and be ready to leave in the morning. There was a lot of arguing about that, but after few bullets into Spike, everyone calmed down and did as he said. They gathered everything together and slept their last night in town.
Xander had everyone on a bus and heading out of town when daylight broke. They traveled a great distance, everyone wanting to know why they were abandoning the battle. Finally, many many miles out from Sunnydale Xander called a halt to the buses and stepped outside. Clad in his suit, horrible tie and sunglasses he surveyed the way they'd come with a critical eye. He pulled out a small remote control and pushed a button.
In Sunnydale, overtop the seal, a machine whirled and a tube opened, spilling blood onto the seal causing it to open. A couple of the ancient vampires tried to come out, only to cringe back as the sun's rays hit them.
Everyone had gathered around Xander as he watched, and pushed another button.
In Sunnydale a motor began and slowly a large object was lowered into the seal, straight down inside. It managed to not be grabbed by any of the Turok-Han as it fell to a depth of roughly a hundred feet and held.
"Dammit Xander, I demand to know what you're doing," Buffy yelled at her long time friend.
"I'm taking care of the problem Buffy."
"What could you do? Just tell us now so we can go fix whatever you've done," Wood said.
"Well, I've opened the seal and am getting ready to destroy all the Turok-Han," Xander said calmly.
"You opened it? Why'd you do that, now they'll all escape and..."
"No, now all those maggots will die," Xander said grinning. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." With that, he pressed the last button on the remote and looked towards his hometown. The flash was almost immediate; the shockwave followed soon after and would have been deadly if they'd stopped any closer. A mushroom cloud now hung over where Sunnydale used to be.
It was a meek voice from Willow, who was clinging to Tara, that asked, "Xander, what just happened?"
"Well, the commies can't run a country for shit, but the made really nice nuclear weapons."
No one said anything after that for a long time.
- - - -
- - - -
- - - -
The group, after that, decided Xander needed to leave. He'd nuked a town, which was a bit much. So Xander and Anya settled down at their new Arizona home. With the exception of Faith and Dawn, everyone else was in LA, researching to see what, if any, effect the nuclear weapon had had on the Hellmouth. Faith went on ahead to Cleveland on the chance it was now the active Hellmouth and Dawn was visiting Xander and Anya.
That's where everyone was when it happened.
The nuke going off below ground had a very unexpected consequence. It caused a shift in the tectonic plates, and activated fault lines. It was less than a year after the blast that California fell into the ocean, killing millions. It was a sad day, really. Scientists all agreed that it was caused from the mysterious explosion in Sunnydale.
Of the so-called Scoobies, none in LA survived. Of Angel's group, only Illyria, Gunn and some kid named Connor survived. Technically Angel and Spike both survived, but they washed ashore at noon and were turned into ash.
In an odd occurrence, the ocean now came so far inland as Arizona. Anya and Xander now owned hundreds of miles of plush ocean front property. They became amazingly rich and that made Anya want many orgasms.
Faith visited right after the great catastrophe, trying not to laugh at Xander. She did finally tell him she thought he took out the biggest evil by destroying California. She also admitted she'd miss the Governor, he'd always reminded her of her dad. Faith had stuck around and met Gunn, who she hit it off with. Last they were heard from they were on-and-off-again lovers/screwers/friends.
Dawn had comforted Connor over the loss of his friends and family. She, being the kind nurturing young woman she was, took to him well. Last anyone heard from them they were engaged, and Dawn was joking about how she learned from her sister's mistakes and went for younger men, and that Connor had a thing for older women who were nurturing.
Illyria found she had a liking for the strange man who spoke to his weapon and wore sunglasses. After a barter deal with Anya, it was arranged that the two women would share the human. A great time and many orgasms were had by all three.
So, in the end, Xander, Illyria and Anya all lived happily ever after... until The Great Rabbit Genocide Of 2009.
To this very day, Xander's name is said reverently by students everywhere, and blessed fully by those who live in small towns and hate them. Xander was a hero, a legend and an icon to a generation. Each year at graduation time, at least five schools are blown up in his honor.