Disclaimer: I don't own General Hospital or its characters.

Summary: Takes place during the October 21 and 22 episodes. Courtney struggles with her decision. Which will it be, Jax or Jason?

The song is Even Angels Fall by Jessica Riddle. 10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack.

You've found hope
You've found faith
Found how fast she could take it away
Found true love
Lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are

I'm not a perfect person and I'm definitely not a saint. And while I've never claimed to be either, I can't help but wonder about my actions during the last twenty-four hours. Am I really trying to do the right thing or am I just trying to one-up Jason? Am I trying to achieve sainthood by proving to everyone, myself included, that I'm over him for real this time, or am I just giving up? Because clearly, he's over me.

Wasn't that what he tried to get me to see yesterday at the police department?

I still don't know how it happened. There I was, trying to get Jax out of there so we could be on our way to Bermuda and all of a sudden there was Jason. And it was just like old times, with Jason being in police custody and me trying to save him. Sitting across from him in that cold gray interrogation room we were so familiar with while I listened as he vowed, again, that he would kill to protect me.

"Is it true? Did you shoot Durant because he threatened me?"

"No, but I would have."

And that was the beginning of the end.

She made it easy
Made it free
Made you hurt 'til you couldn't see
Sometimes it stops
Sometimes it flows
Baby, that is how love goes

We slipped into a comfortable argument then. I wanted to help him and he wanted me to stay out of it. You'd think we'd have this figured out by now, but it ended like it always does, with him staring at me with those cold blue eyes and me leaving angrily.

And then Jax gave me that ultimatum and I did what I always do. I ran back to Jason because the idea of giving him up completely is still too hard for me to think about. That or I'm a glutton for punishment.

Obviously, it's the latter. I realized that as I got to the police station only to see that Jason wasn't alone. She was there and they looked every bit the happy family that Jason and I could never be.

I got to the airport just in time to see Jax's plane ascend into the sky. Strike two for me. If the hits kept coming the way they were, I was going to have to give up on love because obviously it had already given up on me.

I sat there and watched until I couldn't see the blinking lights of the plane anymore, and then I still sat there, staring blankly at the sky.

With Jax, everything is so much simpler than it is with Jason. Everything is fun. Whether it's impromptu trips to Monte Carlo or dinners on a tropical island, we always have a good time and never have I had to worry about gunshots or guards watching my every move. I like that. I like that a lot. Maybe I even like Jax a lot.

But I still love Jason, and Jax knows that better than anyone else. I'm not a perfect person. I can't just stop loving someone just because it's wrong. I can't turn my back on something I've worked so hard for just because things aren't so easy anymore.

Can I?

You will fly
and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as you've lost it all
God knows even angels fall

Maybe that's why I went to see Sam. If I pushed her to become closer to Jason, it would show him, it would show everyone, that I was moving on with my life and that I wanted Jason to do the same. That wasn't the whole truth though. The truth is, I need Jason to move on with his life so that I can move on with mine. That way I'll know that we have no more chances with each other.

Sam's a fool if she doesn't see how much Jason means to her, or maybe she's just blinded by her own affection for her savior. God knows I was at first. When Jason was nothing more than an annoyance in leather. I wonder, if I had known then what would happen now, would I have let Jason save me?


It's a secret
No one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
It's no fairy tale
Take it from me
That's the way it's supposed to be

I'm not perfect, so when Michael asked me again when Jason and I would get married again, I let myself wonder, briefly, what my life would be like if we did reunite once again. I didn't share these feelings with Michael though; I did what I needed to do. I made him understand that while I couldn't make Jason happy anymore, there was someone else who could. I won't lie. Leading Michael, mine and Jason's biggest supporter, to have a change of heart and accept Sam as part of Jason's new life was a like a knife through my heart. To me, it meant that I was truly moving on. In a new direction, with someone else.

Only it wasn't so easy. Surprised? I'm not. When has anything, especially matters of the heart, come easily to me?

Jax wouldn't return my phone calls. I left message after message but all I heard was his automatic response. I am currently out of town and will return your call when I return. This message had never applied to me before and I didn't like the fact that it did now. I knew his personal assistant, though apologetic on the phone, was not giving him the messages I begged her to give him.

Begged. I was begging another man for his attention. Did I really want Jax in my life like that? It was a stupid bet. A stupid bet made with an arrogant man. Okay, so maybe he wasn't as arrogant as I originally thought, and he was definitely easy on the eyes, and he made me laugh. And he was sweet and generous and he truly cared about me, and –

And he won't return my phone calls. And it's my fault. I screwed up.

Looks like strike three just happened and I was out of the game.

You laugh, you cry
No one knows why
But oh, the thrill of it all
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

Maybe I wasn't. I have spent an awful lot of my life fighting for love, why would I stop now? Love's never easy, ask anyone. Carly, Sonny, my Dad, anyone in Port Charles actually, will tell you the same thing.

But could I really be over Jason that quickly and did I really love Jax? Or was it purely just a case of wanting something I didn't think I could have?

A million and one thoughts race through my mind as I formulated a plan and set about executing it. I tried to convince myself that I was following my heart, but maybe I was just doing what was expected of me.

Either way, I wasn't sure if it was going to work. And I didn't know what I would do if it didn't.

So here I am, standing in front of him. The shock of seeing is me is evident on his face. A look of doubt shadows his beautiful blue eyes but is quickly replace by the smile that takes over his whole face.

"I definitely didn't think I'd be seeing you tonight," he says as he rises from his chair and takes my hand in his.

I take a deep breath and stare at his perfectly chiseled features. As I do so, I realize something.

You will fly
and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as you've lost it all
God knows even angels fall

"This is where I wanted to be," I say softly, feeling a blush creep up my face as the meaning of my words dawn on him.

I'll always love Jason, there's nothing I can do about that. But I'm smart enough to know that love isn't always enough, and for us it probably wouldn't ever be. I realize this as I reach up and gently kiss Jax. I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. Just because a part of me will always belong to someone else, that doesn't mean I have to turn my back at any chance of happiness that comes my way.

Does that mean I think Jax is the ticket to my happiness? I don't know yet, but right here and right now in this very moment? Yeah, he kinda is.

Even angels fall...

Author's Note: I don't think I'm too pleased with this one. I've been waiting for a long time for some inspiration to use the song Even Angels Fall and thought I found it when watching Thursday and Friday's episodes. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would, but I figure, I'll post it and see what everyone else thinks about it. If anyone has any ideas on how to improve it, or any sort of criticism, please, don't hesitate to tell me. Reviews are always welcome!