A/N: Don.t own it, never will.
For those of you who have already read this story, I took a look at this recently and realized that it needed a little bit of betaing. For those of you who haven't, what difference does it make?
Hey everyone! Ever wonder what Remus would get done if he got some ink? Well, now you know.
Remus awoke. His head was pounding, his mouth felt like cotton, and he had no recollection of ever getting into this room, wherever it was. Sirius came bounding in with a huge grin on his face. "Well, well, well! The lush has awoken"
Remus sat up making his head pound more and scratched an itch on his chest, which promptly felt as if he had raked coals across it. His mouth dropped open and his eyes went wide. "What in bloody hell did I do last night"
Sirius hesitated a bit before replying"Well, first we went out and got you drunk."
Remus stood up and his stomach roiled. "Ugh, well, that sounds interesting. I seem to remember that part somewhat. James said that I was too tense and I need to get completely pissed for my eighteenth birthday. What did we do after that? I can recall some pain; did you guys get me to do something that I didn't want to"
Sirius raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "Well, we actually tried to stop you from doing something. You wouldn't listen, though, so we just watched and made sure you didn't get into too much trouble."
Remus looked horrified and put a hand over his eyes. "Oh Merlin, what happened? What did I do, did I bite somebody? I did, didn't I? I saw a pretty girl and I bit her."
Sirius laughed nervously and backed away slightly. "No, Moony, you stayed the perfect gentleman to all of the ladies all night. This happened after we left the bar."
Remus felt completely relieved and sighed thankfully. "Well then, what did I do? It couldn't be all bad if I didn't hurt anyone."
Sirius bit his lip and inched towards the door. "Ah, take a look at your chest, mate, that will explain it. In the mean time, I'm going to go downstairs." Remus started furiously trying to undo the buttons on his shirt and Sirius bolted.
When Remus finally got his shirt open, he saw why it had hurt so much to scratch it earlier; he had a graphic tattoo of a naked woman covering his entire chest and stomach. He stared at it for a second, letting the idea of this new addition to his body sink in and bellowed"Sirius! You sorry excuse for a friend! Get up here, now" There wasn't an answer so he stormed out into the hall and went down the stairs to the door on the left at the bottom, as he had heard noises coming from that room. He burst through the door and came face to face with James.
James let out a squeak and gave Remus a fake smile. "Hey Moony, how do you feel today"
Remus advanced on him; eyes narrowed into slits, and growled out"How do you think I bloody feel, Prongs? Have you seen my new artwork"
James put up his hands and looked around for something to defend himself with. "New artwork? Do you like it"
Moony balled his hands into very tight fists and clenched his teeth. "What do you think, Prongs? Have you seen what I now have permanently engraved on my body"
Peter, who had been hiding in the corner trying not to become Moony's focus, must have lost his mind because he piped up"Well, I rather like the one on your rear."
Remus stood stock still for a moment before grabbing James by the throat. "Prongs, what do I have on my ass"
James's eyes bugged out and he clutched at the fist around his throat before making a gurgling sound. Sirius ran into the room and toppled both of them over, making Remus release his grip on James. "It's okay, Moony! No one will ever see that one, besides some lucky future girl."
Remus whimpered, having come back into control of himself and pulled his knees up to his chest. "What is it, guys? What did I get"
James gave a side-long glance at Sirius and pulled a mirror out of his back pocket. "Well, why don't you check for yourself? That way you'll know it isnt really all that bad."
Remus stood up and pulled his pants down, disregarding his normal modesty to get a good look at it in the well-lit kitchen. He positioned the mirror and saw a picture of a bar of chocolate centered on his right cheek. He felt utterly confused. "James, why would I get a chocolate bar on my butt"
Sirius sniggered and motioned James to be quiet. "Well mate, it went like this. Some girl in the bar walked up to you after you had already drunk way too much, and you told her that she was good ass candy. I think you were trying to say eye-candy, but whatever. So, I thought it was hilarious and started calling you ass candy. When we got to the tattoo parlor, you asked me what to get and I told you to get a piece of chocolate tattooed on your ass. You thought that was brilliant and got it, thinking the entire plan was great."
Remus shuddered and nodded. "And the naked woman? Why did I get her" He wouldn't soon forget the one on his chest.
James pushed Sirius aside and ran his hand though his hair. "That one was entirely your own idea, Moony."
Sirius shoved him and cut in. "No it wasn't. You thought of it."
James glared at him and shot Remus a nervous glance. "I did not. He thought of that on his own."
Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and yelled"Bullshit! If I can admit to the ass candy, you can admit to having him get a naked Lily tattooed on his chest"
Remus choked and coughed violently. "I got who" He fell to the floor and started coughing again. Peter, who had tried to stay away from them until now, rushed over and patted him on the back.
James frowned. "You didn't actually get her; we just think it looks like Lily. The one on your chest has brown hair, not red.
Remus whimpered again and ripped his shirt off. He looked down and saw that it did, indeed, look like Lily. He grabbed the shirt and pressed it to his flesh, trying vainly to rid himself of any trace of his best friend's girlfriend. James crouched down and pulled the scrap of fabric away from Remus, smiling gently at his friend. "Well,. James joked"At least you.ll never need reading material in the bathroom. I wish I was so lucky."
Remus shoved him away and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "Sod off, Prongs! Do you know what would happen if my mother saw this"
Sirius quipped"Not to mention, Lily. Hey, aren't we all supposed to go swimming today"
Remus.s mouth fell open and he bolted up to a standing position. "I'm not going, I can't. I can't let anyone see me like this."
A knock sounded at the door and Remus scrambled from the room. He found his way back to where he had slept the night before and warded the door behind him. Slumping over onto the floor, he sighed. "Well, this could have gone better, I guess." he put his head back against the door, continuing the thought. "But, there are worse things than being Sirius's ass candy. At least I'm not his blow pop."