The Ransom of Radical Edward

Notes: Just a fun story I thought up that's similar to The Ransom of Redchief. XD Cowboy Bebop isn't mine, and never will be. This story was originally done as a role-play with my friend LuckyLadybug66. Enjoy, and leave a nice review.

It was a hazy day on Mars, the sun shining dimly in the sky as various spacecraft and ships soared by toward their destinations. People milled the narrow and crowded streets, stepping in and out of shops with their purchases.

Up in the air on a certain spacecraft, the Bebop, the ship's crewmembers were contently entertained with their various pastimes. Spike Speigal was napping on the couch, while Faye Valentine was peering into a compact mirror, applying red lipstick as she leaned against the table.

Edward Wong Hao Pepelu Tirvirsky 4th was playing on her equally complex-appearing laptop computer, a pair of green goggles over her eyes as she stared hypnotically at the screen. Ein, the dog, was curled up next to Ed, sleeping.

Suddenly, in the midst of all these calm activities, the ship lurched, sending everyone on the floor forward. Faye's lipstick smeared across her face as she dropped her compact on the floor with a clatter. Ed and her laptop slid to the other side of the room, stopping when they hit the wall with a small thud as Faye let out a yell of anger.

"Yaaah!" she burst out, her eyes full of rage as she stood up shakily, the ship still rocking unpredictably. "What's going on here?!"

Spike yawned, opening one eye and sitting up on the sofa.

"What's your deal?" he muttered to Faye, raising an eyebrow at her odd appearance. "Are we there yet?" Spike yawned, stretching and walking over to a window on the other side of the room.

Faye clenched a fist as Spike blinked and turned back around to face her.

"...and what's with the new style?" he added with a smirk, Faye clenching a fist.

"Why you...!" she started angrily, but the ship lurched again and she pitched forward, falling flat on the ground again. "What is wrong with this ship?!"

After another lurch, the ship slowed to a rickety stop, a splash from outside indicating that they had landed on body of water on Mars. There was the sound of a door opening, and Jet Black poked his head into the room.

"Is everyone still alive back here?" he asked, Faye growling and giving no reply as she pushed herself up on her knees.

Ed jumped up, waving her arms around crazily.

"Ed is alive!!" she declared grinning broadly before flopping down in front of her laptop once more, crossing her legs, and gluing her eyes the screen again.

"More or less," Spike replied, shrugging as he held out a hand to Faye, smirking. "Need a hand?"

Faye gritted her teeth, knocking his hand out of the way and standing up, brushing off her shorts.

"I don't need your help," she snapped back, folding her arms crossly and glaring over at Jet. "Watch it with those landings; you could kill somebody!"

Jet chuckled, looking at the red streak that stretched from Faye's lip to halfway across her left cheek.

"Or kill somebody's face, more like it," he pointed out, Faye throwing him a dirty look.

"So what're we here for again?" Spike asked, stretching his arms, looking bored.

Jet turned on the monitor to the computer sitting on the table, which had relocated itself from the left side to the right during the landing.

"We're here to track down Johnny Ring," he explained, pointing to a picture of a man in a black suit that had come up on the screen. "He's been notorious lately for having conducted one-sided business deals, and he's got a pretty nice bounty on his head too: 3,000,000 Woolongs."

Spike leaned over at squinted at the picture.

"Looks like a pretty ritzy guy from the picture," he muttered, shrugging as he straightened up again. "Guess we know where he got his fortune. So how do we know he's going to be on Mars?"

Ed grinned, laughing as she typed something into her computer.

"Heee's acoming for another one of those business deals," she declared in a singsong voice, rocking back and forth. "He'll ooonly be on Mars for one day, though."

Faye huffed, grabbing a tissue and wiping at the smeared lipstick as she stalked over to the door.

"Well then I'm not wasting any time on this one," she muttered, opening the door. "Don't wait up for me," she added, slamming the door behind her.

Spike rolled his eyes, cupping his hands to his mouth.

"We won't!" he called after her, turning back to Jet. "So, we head out?"

Jet nodded, grabbing his supplies and following Spike to the door.

"See you later, Edward," Jet muttered as he picked up his gun, which had fallen on the floor near Ed during the landing.

"Seee you 'round!" Ed called back, grinning happily as she started a game up on her computer. "Whee! Search and destroy!"

Ein yawned, curling back up on the couch, since no one was home to care, and falling asleep again.

It was hours later when Ein's ears perked up, and the Welsh Corgie growled, sprinting over to the door and growling. Ed raised an eyebrow, tearing her eyes away from the glowing computer screen and looking over at the dog.

"Ein?" she asked curiously, crawling over to the dog. "What is it? Is someone at the door?"

The orange-haired girl stood up on her tiptoes and peered outside through the peephole.

"Helloooo?" she called narrowing her eyes and squinting as Ein whined near her leg. "Is someone ouuuuut there?"

Upon hearing no reply, Ed shrugged and hopped back over to her computer.

"No one's out there, Ein!" she declared as the dog whined again, scratching at the door.

Ten minutes later, Ein paced in front of the door once again. Ed was contently playing her games when suddenly the door burst open. Ein let out a growl and lunged at the dark, tall figure who had broken their door down.

"Out of the way, mutt," The man growled in a deep voice, kicking Ein out of the way.

The dog let out a yelp of pain as he fell down the stairs, slumping limply against the wall. Ed gasped, jumping up from her computer, her goggles falling to the ground as she looked up at the strange figure.

"Who are you?!" she cried, her eyes wide as she realized the man was wearing some kind of mask. "What'd you do to Ein?"

The man laughed a hollow laugh, muffled by the mask as he pulled out a sprayer of some sort and sprayed a thick fog of brown gas into the room. Ed's vision swam as she staggered forward, her eyes stinging from the gas.

"Your father's worst nightmare," The man chuckled as he started down the stairs toward Ed. "And yours too, I'll bet."

"Huuuh...?" Ed murmured, her eyes closing as she pitched over, unconscious.

The dark figured smirked beneath his mask, reaching out and grabbing Edward's hand, pulling her upward.

"All goes according to plan..." he murmured, pulling a folded sheet of paper out of his coat pocket and putting it down on the couch before slinging Ed over his shoulder and walking back up the stairs once again as the fog of smoke started to clear.

Later that afternoon, the rest of the Bebop crew slumped back into the living room of the ship, looking dejected and worn out. Spike sighed, leaning back on the couch, crunching a piece of paper that had been resting there as he closed his eyes.

"Well that was very productive," he muttered sarcastically, propping his legs up on the table in front of him. "I thought you said this man was supposed to be on Mars today."

Jet sighed, looking over the information on the man that was still displayed on the computer screen on the table as Faye dipped a washcloth into a bucket of water and scrubbed angrily at the red line that was still visible on her cheek. Ein whined, limping over to Jet and making a sad noise.

"That's what Ed said..." Jet muttered with a sigh, sitting down on the couch opposite where Spike was sitting, patting Ein. "Maybe she got the dates confused or something."

Spike sighed, leaning back further when he noticed the piece of paper under his elbow. Blinking, he picked it up and unfolded it, scanning the contents. Jet raised an eyebrow, leaning forward.

"What's that?" he asked curiously, Spike shrugging, Ein barking again and whining.

"I don't know what to make of it," he muttered, Faye tossing the cloth back into the bucket and looking through her supply of make-up removals. "It says, "I've got your precious daughter hostage. Unless you come to the east park at sundown with 30,000,000 woolongs, you'll never see her again."

Faye made an impatient noise, examining the label of a clear liquid in a tinted bottle.

"Yeah right," she muttered, shaking the bottle to test it. "As if any of us have a d..."

Jet suddenly stood up, looking anxiously over at Ed's vacant computer.

"Where's Edward?" he asked suddenly, Spike following his gaze over to the computer.

"Uh..." Spike muttered standing up and walking over to the area where Ed was usually hard at work on something or another on her computer. "Ed?" he called, looking into the hallway.

Faye blinked, then smiled, laughing.

"You don't think some wacko broke into the ship, kidnapped Ed thinking she was some rich person's daughter, and left a ransom note, do you?" she laughed, putting a hand to her head.

Jet looked down at Ein who whined, nodding and barking again.

"That's exactly what I'm thinking," he muttered darkly, his shoulders sagging.

Spike raised an eyebrow.

"How do you mistake Edward for a ritzy kid?" he asked, looking baffled. "Or a normal girl? Or a girl at all, for that matter?"

Jet shrugged.

"I don't know. The whole thing's weird," he muttered, putting a hand to his chin in thought.

Faye yawned, dipping a cotton ball into the make-up remover and dabbing at her cheek.

"Oh well, we don't really need Ed around," she said calmly.

Spike nodded, looking contemplative as Jet took the ransom note and examined it.

"True..." he agreed, leaning back on the couch again. "One of us would have to figure out how to use the computers though..."

Faye shrugged.

"It wouldn't be that hard..." she replied, looking the mirror to see that the line of red on her cheek was disappearing.

Jet sighed, his shoulders sagging.

"Stop kidding around!" he muttered grumpily, scratching his head in frustration.

"Who's kidding?" Faye retorted, standing up and tossing the cotton ball into the garbage can.

Ein whined, looking up at the three anxiously. Spike sighed, closing his eyes.

"Okay, say we did want her back," he replied calmly. "How do we get her back without having to pay up?"

Jet sighed.

"I don't know..." he muttered honestly.

Ed stirred, opening one eye to find herself sprawled on the ground of a dark and dank apartment building. Blinking, she pulled herself up into a sitting position and looked around.

"Where is Ed...?" she murmured, looking around, confused.

There was a chuckle from the shadows of the room and a man clad in a dark coat walked into view, a smirk of satisfaction on his face.

"You're going to make me rich, kid," he chuckled, thinking gleefully of all the money he'd get after the frantic father paid the ransom for his daughter.

Ed blinked, tilting her head to the side.

"Ed is going to make you rich?" she repeated, standing up and squinting at the man. "Hey...I know you! You were that mean man who hurt Ein!" she cried, recognizing him.

The man snorted, waving a hand in a carefree fashion.

"That mutt will be fine," he retorted, Ed bounding over to him and poking him abruptly in the chest. "Hey!"

"You were mean!" The orange-haired girl declared angrily. "Ed doesn't think she wants to make you rich anymore," she concluded, folding her arms over her white t-shirt.

The man snickered, brushing back a lock of his brown bangs.

"Well I'm afraid that's not up to you," he replied. "I've already seen to everything. As soon as your father finds that ransom note he'll be rushing over to save you!"

Ed blinked, dropping her arms and scratching her head.

"Ed doesn't have a father..." she muttered, confused, sneaking a glare over at the mean man.

The kidnapper let out a chuckle of exasperation.

"You think you're pretty funny, don't you?" he retorted, staring down at the girl hacker.

Ed shook her head, shrugging innocently.

"Noooo, Ed really doesn't have a father!" she replied, turning on her bare heel and marching toward the door. "And Edward wants to go home now!"

The man laughed as Ed pulled on the doorknob and pounded on the door, to no avail.

"It's locked, kid, there's no way out!" he informed her, Ed whining and bounding back toward him.

"Ed wants to go home!!" she yelled, pounding on the kidnapper's chest. "Take Ed homeee!"

The man growled, backing away from her.

"Hey, cut that out you brat!" he snapped, reaching out his hand to grab her wrist, but Ed dodged his grasp and promptly bit down on his hand.

"Edward wants to go home NOW!!" she cried the man howling in pain as he shoved Ed away.

Ed started to cry, flopping down on the ground and beating the floor with her fists.

"Ed wants the Bebop!!!...and her computer...and Ein...and Faye-Faye...!!" she sobbed, the man who had kidnapped her nursing his bitten hand as he glared over at her.

"Faye-Faye?" he snapped skeptically, raising an eyebrow. "Who's that, your nanny?"

Ed stopped crying and popped back up, glaring over at the man.

"No, Faye-Faye is Edward's friend!" she declared boldly. "I bet she wouldn't like you," she added with a growl.

The man sighed, rolling his eyes and sitting down on the couch behind him, still nursing his hand.

"Well I don't like you," he replied bitterly, eyeing Ed with a loathing glare. "But for 30,000,000 woolongs, I'm willing to put up with you for a bit."

Ed froze, looking over at the kidnapper, stunned. He raised an eyebrow as her eyes lit up happily.

"Ed is a bounty?!" she cried, grinning eagerly.

The kidnapper smirked, shrugging.

"If you want to think about it that way, I suppose," he replied calmly, closing his eyes.

Ed bounded over to the old television set that was propped up against the wall in the back of the room. Grinning, she grabbed the remote and turned it on, the volume up much too high.

The man growled, putting his hands over his ears as he glared over at Ed, who was staring at the TV only a few inches from the screen.

"Brat!" he hollered, pulling himself up and stomping over to the television set. "Turn that thing down!"

Ed growled, turning around and slamming the remote down on the man's foot, her eyes flashing.

"Be quiettt!" she whined, turning back to the screen. "Ed wants to see her name on Big Shots!!!"

The man let out a yelp of pain as he reached down and grabbed at his foot. Ed laughed as the Big Shot's introduction sequence started to play across the screen, the hacker girl bobbing her head in rhythm with the music.

"Yay!" she cheered, staring at the screen avidly as the man glared over at her, settling back down on the couch wearily.

"Whatever, watch anything you like if it keeps you quiet..." he muttered, rubbing his foot tenderly.

A few minutes later, however, Ed began to whine again as she shut the TV off. The kidnapper winced as Ed's shrill cries filled the room again.

"What's wrong now?!" he demanded, glaring over at the girl.

Ed continued to sob, getting the front of her t-shirt all wet.

"You liar! You said Edward was a bounty, but Ed wasn't on the shoooww!" she hollered. "Just that bounty guy Faye-Faye and Spike were looking for this morning!"

"Well tough...!" The man started, then he trailed off, looking over at Ed, dumbfounded. "...wait a minute...bounty guy? Isn't that your father??" he demanded, standing up in panic.

Ed shook her head furiously, still crying at the loss of not being seen on the Big Shots program.

"That's not Ed's father!" she yelled back. "That's rich bounty guy!"

"...then who the hell are you?!" he demanded, his eyes flashing dangerously.

Ed stopped crying, grinning proudly as she stood up straight.

"Ed is Edward Wong Hao Pepelu Tirvirsky the 4th!" she declared. "And I want to go home!" she added, glaring once more.

The kidnapped staggered backward, sinking back into the couch, muttering to himself.

"What have a gotten into...?" he murmured, putting his head in his hands.

Ed blinked, walking closer to the kidnapper.

"Mean man want to take Ed home now?" she asked quizzically, the man ignoring her.

"...I wouldn't mind paying them to take that brat back..." he muttered, shaking his head in irritation.

Ed blinked, brightening up.

"Faye-Faye and Spike and Jet would like that!" she declared with a nod. "Then we could buy food for a change! ...speaking of which," Ed added, patting her stomach, which promptly growled. "Ed is hungrrryy..."

The man shook his head again, jerking a hand over toward the small kitchen.

"There's food in the fridge," he muttered, Ed frolicking over to the small refrigerator and prying the door open.

"Yummm!" she cried, her eyes widening at the various selections of food in the refrigerator. "Bon apetite!" she declared, devouring everything she could get her hands on.

The man looked up, horrified at the sight of Ed raiding his refrigerator.

"I can't take this anymore!" he cried, rushing over to his phone and dialing the number of one of the phones on the Bebop, which he'd found through hacking into the ship and tracing the calls made there earlier when he had plotted the kidnapping.

"Got any more?" Ed inquired, peeking out from where she was seated on the lower rack of the refrigerator.

Spike leaned back on the couch and was dozing off when suddenly a cell phone ring went off nearby. He opened one eye and glanced over at the table, where Faye's cell phone was ringing madly.

Yawning, he reached over and answered it, putting the phone up to his ear.

"Hello?" he muttered sleepily.

"HELP!"

Spike winced, pulling the phone away from his ear and sitting up.

"Help with what?" he asked, confused, raising an eyebrow. "And who the hell are you, anyway?"

There was a panting in the background, along with a few shouts.

"Your brat...she...she's beating me up!" A frantic voice panted. "And eating all my food!"

Spike's eyebrows went up.

"Oh...so Ed's over there, huh?" he asked, smirking and draping his arm over the back of the couch. "Have fun with her then!" he called, acting to hang up, sensing a good opportunity to pick up a little bit of cash.

"NO!" The frantic voice on the other end cried desperately. "Don't you want her back?! I...I'll pay you everything I've got if you'll just take her back!!"

Spike grinned.

"Well...I suppose if you bring Ed and the cash out to the east park this evening, we can call it a deal," he said, sounding as if he were still iffy about the deal.

"You'll take her back then, right?!" The voice asked, sounded relieved.

Spike nodded, smirking.

"Yeah, we'll take her back..." he replied casually.

"Th...thank you!" The man on the other line stammered. "I'll be there!"

With that, the man promptly hung up, Spike setting the cell phone down on the table again with a laugh.

"Thank you, Ed," he mused, cracking his knuckles. "That's one way to make some money."

Jet raised an eyebrow as he walked into the room, glancing over at Spike.

"What're you so happy about?" he asked, glancing down at the cell phone. "And who was on the phone?"

Spike grinned.

"The man who mistook Ed for a rich-girl," he replied. "Apparently she's driving him up the wall and he's going to pay us to take her back."

Jet laughed, shaking his head.

"Well, that's one way to get some quick cash," he replied.

Spike nodded.

"My thoughts exactly," he agreed.

Meanwhile, the man who had kidnapped Ed dragged her down the streets, the orange-haired girl dragging her feet behind her to make it more difficult for him.

"Ed wants to go hommeee, not to the park!" she whined, people walking on the other side of the street pausing and staring at the scene.

The man growled, about to reply when suddenly Ed tugged him over to a hotdog stand that was near the edge of the sidewalk. She drooled, staring wishfully at the hotdogs that were roasting.

"Ed is hungry again!" she declared, the man shaking in frustration and wrenching her away from the stand.

"I can't buy anything because I need the money to pay your owners to take you back!" he retorted hotly, Ed's eyes brightening.

"Giving money to us?!" she cried brightly. "Whee!"

With that, she began to tug the man forcefully toward the park. A few minutes later, they entered the small park on the east side of town, and the kidnapper glanced around hopefully for the person who would (supposedly) relieve him of this monster.

"There they are! There they are!" Ed suddenly cried, waving wildly over at Spike and Faye, both of whom were seated on a bench a few feet away. "Faaaye-Faaaye!"

Faye shrunk down in the bench, tipping the ashes off her cigarette.

"Is this even worth it?" she muttered, Spike grinning and walking over toward the two.

Ein yipped, dashing past Spike and over to Ed who was still gleefully waving over at Faye.

"So, I take it you have the cash?" Spike asked casually, looking over at the man, who nodded immediately.

"Yeah, yeah, take it all!" he cried, pulling out a brown wallet and handing it to Spike.

"Gladly," Spike replied, taking it and opening it up as the man ran off.

"I'm free! I'm free!!" The kidnapper shouted, people sitting in the park looking up and staring at him peculiarly.

Jet raised an eyebrow, watching the man run off. Ed petted Ein, who seemed quite happy to see her again.

"I'm back, Ein!" she cried, Ein licking her face happily.

Faye sighed, standing up and walking over toward Spike, who was searching through the wallet in frustration.

"What's wrong?" she asked, curiously leaning over his shoulder.

Spike's face fell as he pulled a single bill out of the wallet pocket and held it up so that Jet and Faye could see.

"1,000 woolongs," he muttered with a sigh. "That's all that's in there."

Faye gaped, putting a hand to her head in irritation.

"All that for 1,000 woolongs?!" she groaned, gritting her teeth. "Ed, you should have tortured him more!" she scolded the girl, sinking back down onto the park bench.

Spike sighed, Ed looking up at the bill eagerly.

"Can we buy Ed a hotdog??" she asked, Jet chuckling sadly.

"Well, I guess in the end we really didn't gain or lose anything," he stated, Spike sighing and slumping back down on the bench beside Faye.

"Like always..." Spike muttered, Ed slipping the bill out of his hands and dashing off toward the hotdog stand.

"Come on, Ein!" she declared, grinning broadly. "Want a hotdog? My treat!"

The Welsh Corgie nodded with a happy bark, and the two frolicked off toward the stand, the evening sun setting behind them.

End of Story

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