Without My Ginny

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

She left me yesterday. She stormed out of the house with her bags and pillow in tow. Said I didn't love her, she said I never let her in. She was wrong. I loved her - in my own way. I admit though, I didn't let her in. She didn't need to know every bad thing that happened to me. So it's easier now - I don't need to try. I need to concentrate. I don't need her here distracting me. She's gone. Ginny Weasley left me. And to think, I always thought it would be the other way around. I'm glad she's gone; she won't end up like everyone else who's loved me. Dead. It's better this way. It still hurts; she had no right to do that to me. She'll come back - give her another week or two and she'll come back. It hurts though. Hurts like nothing I've felt before. Like a blade piercing my heart, going deeper and deeper until it can't go any further. Ginny was that blade then she ripped her love away from me, and now I bleed. That's what these tears are, blood from my heart. There are scars, but no one knows I have them. No one knows I was loved. They can't see the scars like they see the one on my head. Everything is emotional and that's the worst kind of pain. It's always there, always at the front of my mind. I will dwell on it because those wounds take longer to heal. I will hide behind my fight. The war needs my attention now. No one needs to know I was loved. I don't want sympathy. I am strong.

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

It has been 3 months and a week since Ginny had said she would marry me. It has been 13 months, a week and two days since she moved in. And it is has been 2 years and a week since she kissed me for the first time. It has been a week since Ginny Weasley left me. I never realized how much she meant to me - she never complained about visiting Sirius' grave or my parents' old house. She always stood by my side, a quiet but definite presence. We never went to see her parents for a nice quiet dinner, only on birthdays or Christmas. Everything was always about what I wanted to, what made me happy. I never found out what would make her happy. She was unhappy, but as long as I was not upset she didn't mind. I was fighting a war. I still am and that has to come first. I have to fight this war so we can be together. Will we be together again? Will she take me back after I finish this? I am sure she needs me. If – no, when she comes back I know exactly what to say. I'd tell her I was wrong, I do love her and I want to do anything to make her happy. Then she'd fall into my arms and we would never leave each other again. It will be just like a happily ever after. I'll just wait for her to come back. She'll come back soon. I am being strong.


So I've learned that love's Not Possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

I should have told her how I felt. How could she know I loved her? I never told her. She couldn't know, she is not a Legilimens, or is she? I never asked. She always seemed to know what I was thinking, what I needed to do. I should have gone after her the day she left. It has been 3 weeks since Ginny Weasley left me. She should have come back by now. She'll have found someone else, someone who will treat her right. I should have done more for her. I know she needed to hear it. I never thought she would leave, she said she was mine forever. That's what that ring meant. She was mine – forever. I should have shown her I loved her. She told me every day, but I never said it. Why didn't I go after her? I thought she would come back to me. Why wouldn't she? She loved me. She couldn't live without me. It's too late now. She's not coming back. I can't make it up to her. I will fight my fight and forget about her. She would have come back by now. I will be strong.

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep Inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

I faced my biggest challenge last week. I did everything in my power to defeat Voldemort. It was hard but we got through it. I won. He's gone. I am free of my responsibilities now. I can live my own life. It has been 5 weeks since Ginny Weasley left me. She's not coming back. I heard from Ron she's back at the Burrow. I can't live without her but she didn't know that – I built a wall around myself. She tried to break in, I built the walls higher. I saw her at the final fight. She helped, but we didn't speak. She was injured; I didn't go see her in the hospital. Hermione said she was recovering. Hermione told me to go see her. I asked if she wanted to see me, Hermione said she hadn't mentioned it. Will she want me again? Why did I think she would have come back? She left. I was supposed to stop her. I am too stubborn, I did not back down. I thought I was right. I was wrong. I wouldn't go. I wouldn't let myself love her - what if I got hurt? It didn't matter in the end, I hurt now anyway. It's worse than the Cruciatus Curse. This pain won't go away, because she's gone away. There is nothing left of me. The evil is gone. I have nothing to hide behind. There is just me now, I have to live. And I have to do it alone. I am not strong without my Ginny.

A/N:

Lyrics by Tom Bahler and sung by Josh Groban

Credit for this little ficlet goes to Sarah for just writing amazing stuff that I got the inspiration from and for just being great in general. I know you like the song who wouldn't love Josh singing. HUGE thanks to "Nancy" for being a great beta and helping me so much when I write. Also for keeping me sane in the morning when I don't have any one to talk to. I want to thank my parents ... ok now it sounds like the Oscars. ;)