A Wanted Man

Colonel O'Neill leaps from the Stargate to the 'landing pad' and glares at the blue film behind him, then stomps down the ramp. The man's expression clearly indicates that he would take no prisoners were there prisoners to be taken.

Concerned by the precipitous appearance of his 2IC, the General hurries down to the gateroom, only to find that the MALP has just appeared through the filmy surface, followed by the Jaffa Teal'c, who strides calmly down to the floor. He is followed almost immediately by Major Carter and Daniel Jackson, both of whom seem in perfect health, if highly amused.

General Hammond regards his flagship team, and particularly Colonel O'Neill, with concern. "SG-1, I take it P2R-884 was..."

"...a waste of time, General."

"O'Neill, you are forgetting our meeting with the Vanya."

With sarcastic patience, the Colonel declares: "No, Teal'c, I'm not forgetting that. Meeting them was also a waste of time."

"The Vanya?"

"A tribe of nomads, similar in culture to the early Germanic nomads of ancient Eastern Europe," Dr. Jackson offers, that ubiquitous smile still on his lips. "Their culture has remained largely unchanged in thousands of years..."

"Like I said," Jack emphasises very clearly, "A complete waste of time."

There's something in the way he speaks that catches at the General's attention. The Colonel is not usually this vehement about cultures. Sarcastic, witty, amused, and disparaging, yes. Vehement, no. "I would like to debrief now, SG-1."

The Colonel stalks out of the gateroom while his team-mates exchange grins. Even the usually-expressionless Jaffa has a smile about his lips.

No doubt about it, it's going to be an interesting debriefing.

Dr. Jackson explains the culture of the Vanya, while the Colonel twirls his pen, doodles on his pad, drums his fingers – doing everything except spinning his chair – and the General is pretty sure that his 2IC is mentally doing that, even if he can't do it physically.

"...seems they originally worshipped a mother-goddess who may or may not have been goa'uld. Probably the closest classical goddess would be Demeter of the Greeks – also known as Ceres of the Romans..."

Hammond listens, but notes that the rest of Dr. Jackson's team are becoming restless. So is he. "Dr. Jackson, do these people have anything of cultural use to us?"

The Doctor appears a little taken aback at the interruption, "Er...no, sir."

"Major Carter, do they have anything of technical or medicinal use?"

"No, sir."

Ah well, he might as well come out and speak bluntly. Being a Major General has some advantages after all. "So why was this encounter such a great source of amusement to everyone save Colonel O'Neill?"

Amused, furtive looks pass between the Major, the Doctor, and the Jaffa, while the Colonel scowls.

At last, Teal'c answers. "The leader of the Vanya found O'Neill attractive."

The General doesn't smile externally, although he finds the situation amusing. It wouldn't be the first time Colonel O'Neill has made an impression on the local women. Doubtless part of the reason Dr. Jackson is in such high spirits is because he's usually the one to end up being coveted.

"She made advances on the Colonel, then?"

Dr. Jackson snorts, covering his mouth.

"The leader of the Vanya was male, General Hammond," Teal'c states, his face settling into an expression that in anyone else would be called a smirk.

Oh. The General has a sudden urge to laugh. He restrains his expression, maintaining appropriate composure, but his lips twitch.

Major Carter coughs loudly, once, and receives a glare from her CO. "Actually, sir, the leader of the Vanya had begun life as a woman, but had since...changed to become a man."

It takes a lot of effort to maintain composure now.

"Anthropologically it's quite possible, General. Such gender changes have been known to happen in Africa and South-East Asia – and there is one case in Great Britain where a man was recently found to be genetically female."

"Daniel, there are some things man is not meant to know!" With each emphasis, the Colonel's voice gets one notch louder.

Dr. Jackson grins and takes up the narrative again. "The...uhhh...duality of his gender is perceived as a strength among the Vanya. The leader can be understanding of both male and females in his...or her...tribe. And their...ummm...tastes...can run either way."

"In this case, to someone who was very definitely not interested..."

General Hammond has gotten control of his face with a great deal of effort. "I take it you were propositioned, Colonel?"

"'Propositioned' is the wrong word for it, sir. I was assaulted!"


"The Vanyan leader took a very...direct route to display his interest in the Colonel, sir." Major Carter's mouth has curved into a repressed smile and Dr. Jackson is grinning from ear to ear.

Ah. That explains the Colonel's touchiness. A pinch on the butt is not exactly the standard method of making new friends in the Air Force. Then, too, Jack O'Neill is not the most touch-oriented person on the base.

"I take it he accepted the Colonel's lack of interest in him?"

"With good grace, sir."

"'With good grace', Carter?" Colonel O'Neill disagrees. "He eyed me for the rest of the evening! And let's not even talk about his idea of a goodbye!"

"He was just being friendly, sir."

"Friendly, my ass!"

"Well, Jack, it was your ass he tried to be friendly with."

Major Carter chokes. Colonel O'Neill regards her with acute irritation. "Do you mind, Carter?"

"Sorry, sir." She's struggling to remain this side of composed and failing miserably.

If the Major is having trouble maintaining her customary serenity, it must have been quite a sight. The General can't help a grin now. His 2IC looks at him – glares at him, actually. He ignores the glare.

"SG-1, is there any advantage in a continuing relationship with the Vanya?"


The unequivocal negative earns Colonel O'Neill a smile from each of his team-mates, but it is the Major who replies.

"Sir, they don't have anything to offer us by way of technology or significant resources. The Goa'uld haven't visited their world in several thousand years – such that only their ancient histories mention the 'gods' coming down from the sky with eyes that glow – so they don't need our protection."

Dr. Jackson takes up the refrain. "And to interfere with the development of the Vanya would probably be detrimental to their society." He glances at Jack with open amusement, "And...uh...I don't think Jack cares to return to P2R-884 again."


"I'd rather be sent to Netu, sir," Colonel O'Neill responds promptly and decisively.

It's tempting to retort that such a trip could be arranged, but General Hammond restrains himself. Too much time spent around Jack O'Neill has definitely developed habits unbecoming a USAF General.

"Very well. They were given the standard contact box?"

Dr. Jackson nods. "I doubt they'll use it as anything more than a decoration, though."

"Well, we made contact. If they need help, they'll come get it. Well done, SG-1. Get yourselves through the post-gate check, Dr. Fraiser should be waiting for you in the infirmary. Your next mission won't be for another two days – a simple recon. Take some time off until then."

They file out, Jack still sulking, his team still grinning.

The General goes into his office, carefully shuts the door, and begins chuckling, imagining the expression on his favourite officer's face as the local leader pinched his butt.

A tentative knock at the door forces him to compose his expression, and his call of: "Come in!" has only a slight cough in it.

Dr. Jackson opens the office door and offers the video camera, "I... uh... General, I got the meeting with the Vanya on video." Blue eyes regard him wickedly from behind wire-rimmed glasses. "I recommend watching when Jack isn't around."

"Leave it on the desk, Doctor."

The civilian archaeologist does so with a twinkle in his eyes and goes off to submit to Dr. Fraiser's ruthless examination.

Watching the video in the control room while SG-1 is otherwise occupied with post-gate protocols, General Hammond observes the 'assault' on the Colonel by the Vanyan leader and laughs so hard his aides come to see what's happening. At the control panels, Sergeant Davis nearly falls off his chair in stitches, and only manages to keep his seat by holding onto the desk edge for support.

No wonder the Colonel was in a state fit to be tied. A pinch on the butt would have been a much more sedate invitation than the manner in which the Vanyan leader 'propositioned' Jack!

If a full-frontal grope in the balls was a 'display of interest', then General Hammond dreads to think of what constitutes an 'open invitation'!

- fin -