Title: Romance of Two Idiots
Rating: PG-13 (some yaoi themes. Like you expected anything else.)
Pairing: ZoroxSanji Duh.
Summary: Zoro contemplates romance on Sanji's insistence.
A/N: I've been on a bit of a writing slump lately. Thought I'd try to rev things up by forcing myself to write regardless of whether I had an idea or not. Excuses and apologies for the subsequent suckage. I really had no idea where this was going or what it was when I started this. Ouch. Plus, it was written out of order and in parts and over a loooong period of time, so some of the pieces might not be well, really clik-y, ya know? Just bear with me. I'm sick and I should be writing papers, and yeah, I'm done with the exuses. I am. --;; Sorry.
Dedication: I've been pretty much dead to the world lately, but I've gotta give this one to Inu-Neko, cuz one of the doodles she did for me totally inspired it.
Disclaimer: Not mine… if it were, One Piece would so have more butt-pirate and seamen jokes. XD
Distribution: Just lemme know.
Couldn't be romantic. Che. Couldn't be romantic.
Didn't want to be romantic, more like it.
Zoro scowled down at the deck from his spot in the Crow's Nest. He was a fucking pirate for god's sake. Why the hell was he supposed to be romantic all of a sudden?
Pirate!!! They were mean and badass and rough and tough and yeah, a little bit dirty. They drank beer (lots and lots of beer) and smoked cigars (if you were into the nasty taste) and ravaged women (maybe sometimes men too) and plundered treasure (or had someone on board who did it for you). You know, stuff like that.
They weren't romantic. That was entirely counter intuitive to what Roronoa Zoro knew about how most pirates were supposed to be.
Not to mention, it was stupid.
Why waste all that time with the posturing and the gesturing and the hearts and goddamn sparkles when all you needed to know was "I want to fuck you" and "You want me to fuck you"? It was that simple.
Simple. And he liked it that way.
It was stupid.
Couldn't be romantic. Che.
He wasn't supposed to be.
He scowled harder, fiddled idly with the hilt of his sword as his eyes scanned the empty ocean before him from horizon to horizon in one narrow gazed sweep.
This was what pirates did. Right here. Well, not necessarily sit around and stare at stuff all day, but you got the picture. He squared his jaw and leaned backwards, moving to look at the blue of the sky. This was what pirates were supposed to do.
Pirates weren't supposed to think about romance. It wasn't what they did.
So why the hell did that stupid, shitface fucker of a pretty boy always whine about how unromantic he was? About how grabbing and groping and fucking were fine and well but sometimes everyone wanted a little romance? Or something like that.
Zoro thought grabbing and groping and fucking were great. He was perfectly happy with that sequence of events.
It had been working thus far, after all. And as far as he was concerned, that particular technique had never failed (and would never fail, in his book) to yield the jelly-kneed-goofy-grin-sweaty-skin-happy-face reaction that it was intended to.
Couldn't be romantic.
Didn't need to be more like it.
Why mess with a system that clearly worked? Right?
Besides, pirates and romance didn't go together. They had other things on their minds. Goals, dreams, aspirations, whatever. That was the main point. There wasn't time to think about stupid romance. And besides, pirates were too cool for that. Well, at least this pirate was.
Didn't want it. Didn't need it.
Zoro blinked up into the sky.
So why the goddamn hell was he still thinking about this!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Frustrated, he gritted his teeth and turned his sight downwards, in the direction of the deck, eyes scanning the ship for the telltale plume of acrid smoke that would signal the chef's location as he took his daily afternoon cigarette break.
Like clockwork, Sanji was topside, leaning against the railing of the ship and peering serenely out over the calm waters, happily puffing away on his smoke. Not a goddamn care in the world.
The swordsman watched the blond take a deep breath of ocean air and smile, free hand moving to tuck his hair behind his ear though if Zoro knew it as well as he thought he did, the gesture was pointless, as it would just spill back over Sanji's face instantly, shrouding the cook's eye like always. It was, for all intents and purposes, a gesture nearly as pointless as trying to successfully mix Roronoa Zoro and romance.
But at the same time, despite the pointlessness of the gesture, the blonde was looking rather satisfied with the world as a whole right at that moment, hair in his face, sun overhead, and miles of cool, sparkling ocean all around. Sanji looked downright content just now.
It pissed Zoro the hell off.
The green-haired man would bet his katanas that that shithead chef wasn't thinking about anything right now, let alone romance. He was absolutely certain that Sanji currently didn't even have a single passing thought dedicated to the very thing he'd whined to Zoro about just the other day. This goddamn romance. Why the hell did Zoro have to think about it like this while Sanji was down there being all zen and serenity, especially when Sanji was the asshole who had brought it up in the first place? Why the hell was Zoro the one plagued with indignant thoughts about Sanji's ludicrous complaint when the blonde so obviously wasn't thinking about it? And he had been the original one to bring it up!!!
How did Zoro know per se, that Sanji was currently romantic-thought free?
The fucker was definitely way too goddamn relaxed, was how.
Who was sitting up in the Crow's Nest, grinding his molars as he stewed on the topic.
Romantic. Romantic. Why the hell was he sitting way the fuck up here worrying about romance when that prissy little love-cook was down there enjoying his afternoon smoke, looking for all the world that everything was super-dandy perfect?
Zoro's scowl deepened.
Che. Romantic. Che.
Sanji looked perfectly self-content. Which was proof in itself.
See? Didn't need romance. Sanji was fine without it. Perfectly goddamn dandy in fact.
Stupid love-cook. He didn't need it.
Fucker. Goddamn fucker. Zoro was a pirate for fuck's sake!!!
He didn't know the first thing about romance!
He was a pirate!!!
He didn't know goddammit.
That asshole always made him go through the dumbest shit.
Running a hand through his hair and tempted, tempted and thisclose to trying to tear some of it out, the swordsman glared hopelessly, confusedly, down at the smiling image of the cook below.
He was a pirate goddammit.
It wasn't even something Sanji really needed. He'd be fine without it.
Even if he wanted it, he didn't need it.
Even if he wanted it…
Three days later and the Going Merry had pulled into a nearby supply port to restock and recuperate from the constant struggle of being confined in a small space with the same people day in and day out. Three days later and there was nothing to do but as one pleased, whatever it took to relax, to get what needed to be done and to regroup for whatever adventure the high seas threw at them next.
Three days later and Zoro was in a shitty ass mood as he maneuvered around the nameless village's marketplace, doing anything but relaxing on his precious time off because he still had no clue as to what this whole goddamn romance thing entailed.
Che. Romance. Stupid romance.
Zoro stalked through the bustling streets, his angry aura rolling off of him and subsequently sending people scurrying from his path and his magnificent snit of a mood as he muttered to himself and glowered impressively.
Pirates weren't supposed to do romance!
For three days, Zoro had been asking himself why the hell he was even thinking about this romance stuff.
Day one and he'd tried not calling Sanji names. That was…nice, wasn't it? Sort of romantic, maybe. For them anyway.
He thought he might as well have given it a try. Just to see. Or something.
So he did. It was pretty much as romantic as he thought they could get.
Sanji had just asked him if he were sick. Or if he'd hit his head really hard. Or if he'd been thinking for durations longer than five minutes.
Sanji was such a bitch.
Day two and Zoro had offered to help Sanji carry some of the supplies he'd bought.
Sanji had bristled and told the swordsman that it wasn't funny when he kept trying to hint at how much stronger he was than Sanji. Then the drama queen had stalked off in a huff, still carrying all of his goods and Zoro was left to continue grinding his teeth alone in the marketplace.
Day three now, and he was tempted as all hell to say "screw it!" and just go ask the blonde if he wanted to fuck tonight at dinner, seeing as to how they'd be leaving in the morning. And this was leave goddammit, and he was supposed to be relaxing and checking out the local scene and not in any way spending all his precious free time preoccupied with notions of absolute pointlessness and that stupid goddamn love-cook's stupid goddamn face.
He rounded a corner, still stalking, and yelped as he almost barreled full force into a stationary vendor.
He promptly found himself with a face full of brightly colored flowers.
Too surprised to continue his cursing-storm, he backpedaled fiercely two or three steps in an attempt to regain his bearings.
Blinking, he looked at the monstrosity blocking his path.
A flower-slash-gift shoppe. Well, at least, that was what the sign said.
"Flowers! Candies! Presents! Buy something special for your special someone!" an old man hollered as he pushed by, stopping once a young couple flagged him down.
A young man and a blushing young girl in a flowy summer dress stepped up to the cart and the young man, with all the swagger of first-love confidence, asked the old man to get him his prettiest arrangement so he could properly honor his lady.
Zoro rolled his eyes. Yeah. Like a line like that would fly…how stupid would she have to…
The girl sighed and giggled and blushed a little and clung to his arm like some sort of monstrous swelling growth.
The man rang up the sale, and a few seconds later, she had an armful of roses and the blustery, swishy youth had an armful of willing booty.
Zoro reiterated to himself mentally, about how stupid that girl had to be to…
Romance was stupid. So that must have entailed doing stupid things.
Zoro blinked to himself a few times.
Romance was stupid and useless. Flowers were stupid, and pretty useless too as far as he could tell. And Sanji wanted romance, and as far as Zoro could tell, Sanji was pretty damn stupid a lot of the time himself, and maybe that was why the idiot wanted something romantic, because it was all about the stupidity and the uselessness and it suddenly made perfect sense.
He glanced speculatively at the old man and the cart again, then back to the swishy youth and his armful of willing booty and her armful of stupid useless romance.
One more cursory glance over the scene, and his hand drifted towards the pouch that held the money Nami had 'loaned' him for this trip and he figured he didn't really have enough for a big old thing of useless roses like that but maybe…
Yeah…that could work.
He stepped forward.
"Hey old man…I'll take one."
Twenty minutes later and with the old man's assurances of the timelessness of his gift, Zoro continued bulldozing through the marketplace, bouquet of daisies clutched a bit self consciously in one hand, eyes scouring the streets for his crewmates (who were bound to be around here somewhere, shopping and living it up before tomorrow like he was supposed to be doing).
Some girls twittered at him as he passed them, whispering to each other about the flowers in his hand and the fierce scowl on his face, apparently finding the combination amusing.
Oh yeah. Romantic.
Grunting, the swordsman schooled his features as best he could to look slightly less aggravated before continuing his search.
Romance. Yeah. Romance.
He took a deep breath.
He could do this.
He didn't have to, but he could.
Even if it was stupid.
Cuz that was what it was supposed to be about right? The stupidity.
He could do it.
He'd show that goddamn pretty pretty princess. He could so do this if he wanted to. Er, if he tried. Even if he did think it was pretty goddamn stupid.
He found the rest of the crew eventually, the lot of them perusing stalls and booths like eager tourists, Luffy trying on funny hats while Usopp kept handing him more and more ridiculous ones to put on, and Nami bargaining down prices for her and Vivi as Sanji inspected the finest haberdashery he could find in the fashion of the local flavor.
They looked… not too busy. Sanji even looked downright cheerful, holding up tastelessly colorful pattern shirts in front of him and asking the girls what they thought.
Good. Sanji starting off in a good mood couldn't hurt any.
It was probably the best opportunity Zoro was going to get.
Taking a deep breath, the swordsman stalked up to them, ignoring Luffy and Usopp's cheerful greetings in lieu of tapping the blonde cook on the shoulder.
He wanted romance? Zoro'd give him romance.
"Here," Zoro grunted, thrusting the flowers at Sanji as the blonde had turned around.
Said blonde, too surprised to do anything but react, suddenly found himself with an armful of foliage. "What…"
Before he could properly voice his confusion, Zoro promptly kissed him.
Right there, in the middle of the street. In front of everyone.
Because it was romantic. And stupid too, but romantic. Yeah.
In front of everyone.
Luffy laughed delightedly. Those two were just so funny.
Usopp gaped a little. Was that tongue?
Vivi blushed and giggled simultaneously.
Nami wondered how much she could charge the gawking passersby for the show.
Zoro and Sanji continued to kiss for a while longer.
Then Sanji remembered where he was, and what he was doing, and most importantly, who he was doing it with. "Nnnf… what the hell are you doing you stupid asshole?!!" Sanji exclaimed, yanking back rather violently from Zoro's hold one he'd regained his senses and kicking the swordsman viciously in the shin as he did so.
Zoro blinked as he was shoved back by the vehement reaction on the cook's part, grasping his rapidly bruising shin. The only coherent thought he could formulate was a very, very confused, "Eh?!" as Sanji sputtered and stammered and turned pink around his cheeks and across the bridge of his nose and at the edges of his ears.
"What the… Why… What could possibly… God, you're such an idiot!!" Sanji continued, though his hand still clutched the bouquet of flowers, perhaps a little too harshly, throughout his rather incoherent rant.
Zoro, lost as all hell at the cook's complete embarrassment, was beginning to lose his temper a little bit. Not understanding what the hell Sanji's problem was coupled with the nasty bruise forming on his leg was beginning to wear on him a little and dammit, this was probably exactly why pirates should concentrate on being pirates and not romantic. He got a hell of a lot less injured when it came to a normal, good old fashioned pirate fight! He knew romance was stupid, but this was getting a bit ridiculous.
"Argh, you're such a fucker! You said I needed to be more goddamn fucking romantic! Well I'm trying, you shitface prissy princess! You just don't notice!" Zoro snapped, feeling righteously indignant at Sanji's incredulity.
Sanji looked on in bewildered disbelief, face turning redder and redder with every spoken insult. "Romantic?! You call that romantic?! You just manhandled me in front of everyone and then called me names, asshole! I knew you were stupid but I didn't know that your entire system was so fucked up, you smelly, muscle-brained steam-nosed caveman!"
The swordsman balked a little. The love-cook's accusations may or may not have been true, but dammit, he was trying. Didn't that count for anything?!
"Argh!!!" Zoro, making a series of frustrated sounds when he couldn't find anything out of the plethora of things he could to say, searched for the least potentially life-threatening counterargument. "…Well I got you flowers, didn't I?" he offered moodily after a while, gesturing helplessly with one hand at the rather squashed arrangement that the blonde was still grasping.
Sanji, tomato-red, looked down at the poor, helpless flowers in his fist. "I'm not a girl!!" he protested, though the surprised vehemence was beginning to fade in his tone just the slightest bit.
Zoro turned his gaze downward. That as true too. Sanji wasn't a girl. "Guys can like flowers," he suggested rather lamely.
Silence for a while.
Luffy, apparently growing bored with what looked to be a minor flare up he really didn't understand anyway, yawned and stretched. "I'm hungry!" he announced brightly, beginning to stroll off. "Something smells good."
"Uh… I'll come with you," Usopp offered, inching around his two deadly silent crewmates.
At their words, Sanji, as if suddenly remembering that the crew had witnessed the entire display, jerked upwards, turning mortified eyes in their direction. "Uh…wait, wait! Guys, it's not… I mean… um…let me explain. You see…"
Nami waved a bored hand in his direction. "We already knew."
Sanji looked surprised. Zoro rolled his eyes. "W-what? You knew, Nami-san? Vivi-chan? But, how…"
Vivi nodded delightedly. Nami just laughed. "You're both so cute," she twittered, before grabbing Vivi's wrist and heading after Luffy and Usopp. "We're going to go enjoy the rest of our vacation now. See you in the morning. Oh… and have a nice night!" she called back to them as the two girls left, not bothering to hide their chirping amusement at Sanji's flustered state.
Zoro and Sanji both watched them walk off, giggling speculatively to each other.
Left alone, the cook and the swordsman turned back to each other, but remained silent for a while.
"Great! Just great. Thanks so much for that," Sanji intoned after a moment, deeply frustrated and currently at a loss for anything spectacular to say, despite Zoro's spectacular stupidity.
The swordsman just shrugged one shoulder, cleaning his ear absently with his pinky finger. "Che. Told you romance was stupid, love-cook."
"Your romance is stupid!" Sanji shot back a bit childishly, temper flaring back to life at the sound of Zoro's voice.
"Che. You're the one that wanted me to be romantic in the first place. What does that make you?"
The cook couldn't really find an answer for that.
They stood in quiet again, an awkward one on Sanji's side, a thoughtful one on Zoro's.
"So," the swordsman started, emotional quiescence and yes, even some good humor returning to his temperament after he'd watched Sanji's frustration drag on a few minutes longer, "wanna fuck?"
Sanji, flushing bright pink anew at the offer, threw the flowers he'd been holding at the green-haired idiot and stormed off in an indignant huff, muttering to himself hopelessly.
"Serves you right, shithead," Zoro murmured, catching the bouquet before it struck him in the face and grinning broadly at the blonde's retreating form before moving to trot after him at a leisurely pace. It wasn't like the blonde had said "Sure, let's fuck", but it wasn't as if he said no either.
Dropping the badly manhandled flowers on the ground after him, Zoro reiterated to himself with no small amount of perverse glee that this was the system that worked for pirates. Didn't need anything else when you had a way that worked pretty much every time. Didn't need the posturing and the gesturing and the hearts and goddamn sparkles. Didn't need any stupid romance.
He loved it when he was right.