The Things We'll Do...
Disclaimer: I do not own ffx, ffx-2, or any thing else, though I do own the order in which these words are placed to make my story, so I recommend no one takes it.
A/N: Chapter Redone.
When I left you, I was a chubby girl basking in a sea of goodbyes, I was a chubby girl who looked out at her friends and couldn't see you looking back. I was a lonely girl leaving everyone for a second chance that I called college. I was a lonely girl looking at her newlywed cousin, looking at her silver haired confidant, looking at her favorite couple, looking at your brother… and wondering where my best friend was.
And that's when I started loosing faith.
The plane door opens. A rush of stale air blows my hair back around my neck and I inhale. My first Zanarkand hello, a requested compromise to start anew in the place I had hoped to leave behind.
Nearly two years have gone by since I last set foot on this sodden soil, I had allowed him to break my heart, something he shouldn't have allowed himself to do, if he considered himself a friend. Unfortunately he didn't care how much he tore at me, and while he played with the idea of goodbyes I was sitting in a fabric seat listening to the pilot bark commands over the loud speaker: "turbulence ahead."
I found solace on new home-ground. I no longer needed food to satisfy my thirst for respect. I had it… I had real friends, and that felt amazing. It felt as if I belonged, and I stopped eating a mountain for every molehill of personal insult. I learned to deal with life in rational ways, someone pissed me off I'd go work out. After boxing, I can deal with whatever coldhearted words you have regarding my return. I'm no longer the bag hanging from the rafters, and you're no longer in training.
Still, as I grab my luggage and head towards the depot your face still burns fresh wounds into my mind. I just want to know why I wasn't good enough for you, any of you. Why did you all hate me when I just wanted was to make a connection?
The bus comes to a stop in front of me. The driver flashes me a wry smile and a glance that seems to linger on an unexposed and forbidden region. He raises from his seat a bit too eagerly to help me with my bags, but nonetheless I smile and thank him.
There are only four passengers, an elderly lady who's reading an issue of the Zanarkand Local, and a young couple with a little boy. I smile despite myself. He really is cute, innocent, and definitely a future heart breaker. As much as I hate myself for doing so, I can't help but wonder if you looked just like him.
I decide to sit near the back. I like to watch the muddy roads pass by, a murky vision, yet when the snow falls like a blanket as fresh as the little boy across from me I feel like I might yet have my turn to become something beautiful. You said every snowflake is unique, no two are alike... large or small you once said they were all beautiful, why couldn't that concept have applied to women?
The bus gets stuck in the snow bank and the driver flashes me another of his wry smiles, "Sorry lady." The man shrugs, "looks like you'll have to walk from here."
I accept the news and reach for my luggage. Rikku and Gippal's house is hardly two blocks away. I could a walk in the nearly fresh winter breeze to clear my head. I trudge to and along their gate and up onto their marble steps. Rikku was always one for showing her wealth (well… technically Rikku had never earned a cent in her life, but she loved to show off her husbands dead uncle's wealth).
She was always ashamed of me, a member of her family yet plain and humble… and fat? In her world there couldn't have been anything worse. I was supposed to be beautiful, just like her. I was supposed to show, by what I wore, ate, did, and said, that I was like royalty, and that because my father was the high priest that I demanded respect.
Instead I shied away, letting others stomp over me and leave my broken remains in the gutter. I don't think that doll of myself will ever be repaired, but absence has the capability to glue the pieces together and make it possible to forgive, even if the scars remain.
I chime the brass handle against the mahogany wood as my bare arms let out an involuntary shiver. Minutes pass like ice-incised hours as I wait for her to answer. She doesn't, so again I pick up the brass handle.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
This time I hear a rushed male voice yelling at me to be patient, easy for them to say, they're probably all sitting around the fire exchanging jests about how they wish they had just one more second without my presence. Well, too bad
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Rikku stop doing you're makeup and answer the door." I yell out in pain. I'm not wearing a jacket, and a reddish tint has already appeared along my arms.
The door opens and my eyes connect with the blue orbs that have not ceased to roll around my head. I step inside and take off my shoes.
"Where's Rikku?" I ask.
"Hell if I know." Tidus replies, walking away from me.
"Well then where should I put my stuff?" I yell to him.
"Hell if I know." He echoes.
I grab the handle on my bag, disbelief hanging in the air like a soggy mist on an eerie night. Not even a hello had graced his lips, so why had I even hoped for "I'm sorry"?
"Just put you're stuff upstairs in an empty room." He hollers from the kitchen.
I discard my shoes and pace up the stairs my cold bare feet refusing to make a steady connection with the ground. I slip and my knee comes in sharp connection with the stone step, a hollow crack sounds throughout the large mansion.
"God Yuna, don't be so god damned clumsy all the time." Tidus returns and comes to grab my bag, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I mumble while holding onto my knee.
"Just a second, I'll take you're shit upstairs then come back to help you."
"I'm a big girl…"
"Not anymore you aren't. Haven't you been eating at all Yuna?" he teases.
"The point is I can help myself, Tidus." I get up and grab a tight hold on the banister before making my way to the room Rikku has set aside, not without, however, taking note of the way Tidus kept close behind me, as if willing me to fall just so he could prove himself right.
"Here," He sets the bag down on the plush white bed, "I'll meet you downstairs. I suppose you're a big enough girl to take care of yourself from here out, hmm?"
"Yeah, whatever." I mumble back at him.
The door slams shut, and I'm grateful for the sudden change of atmosphere. When he's around me, I can't breath. It's like he has a tight grip over my lunges and seeing him after all this time has only tightened it.
He's not supposed to have control over me anymore… it's supposed to be different now.
Quickly my clothes seem to magically transfer from my bag to the drawers as my head rambles on about whether or not I'm still in love with him. He drives me wild… I'll give him that much, but is it because I hate him? Or am I still… will I always be…
…In love with Tidus?
The door bangs in repetition and I realize Tidus must be back, "I'm changing Tidus, come back later."
"Oh, okay…it's Rikku." She replies… "Good thing I didn't just walk in hmm Lenne? No one wants to see her naked… I'd have to shoot myself." Rikku laughs, apparently forgetting that I'm not deaf.
I turn back to the dressers, shifting through the drawers to find something more comfortable, yet esthetically pleasing. When they all see the new, thin me… I want them to love it. I want them to regret treating me like shit.
I finally settle on a black dress with straps as crimson as the wall of the room, and a white lace lower layer. Though the dress was cut short and low… it was still tasteful. And even if it weren't, I'd have every right to show off my body, although I'd rather not put up with Gippal and Shuyin's gawking.
I look out the window. A white curtain drapes from a golden bar connected to the roof down the wall to lie in excess on the wooden floor. I move towards it, shifting the silk fabric to the side, and once again watch the snow fall. Big and small, all of the icy droplets look beautiful against the now setting sun. It must be nearly eight o'clock.
Back in Bevelle it's just past five and the hot sun is still bombarding down over the church-tops and skyscrapers. Winter chill never plagued their sky, but I almost like it better this way. I hate the cold but when I sit here and really look around, I feel at peace.
"Yuna, what's taking you so long?" Rikku starts banging on the door, "I mean seriously, makeup can't hide a weight problem so stop trying!" she hollers as she pushes through the door, her jaw gapes, "I-hum…. Well people say mean things when they're aggravated!" she laughs, "Ready to go downstairs?"
"Just let me fix my hair… I had to walk from the bus stop down the block, so I'm a little frazzled."
"You wore that dress on the bus?" she exclaims.
I pace over to the oak vanity and begin to pin up my hair, leaving a few pieces down, "No Rikku." I grab my gloss, "I changed."
"Well... okay," She pauses, "Are you ready now?" her stiletto heel clicks against the floor. Her dress is white lace. Most likely something from the Shiva collection, and it clings like a child in need to her figure, "Well?"
"I'm ready." I roll my eyes, if it was her she'd be taking twice as long.
She grabs my wrist and yanks me towards the door. "Good…"
I race behind her down the stairs and around the corner to a second, steeper set of steps, which she drags me down in a rush.
"I thought you were a big girl now, Yuna?" Tidus laughs, I turn to him, taking note at the anorexic brunette on his lap…
Well not anorexic, but beautiful and exotic and … jealousy-inducing.
"So that's Yuna, Tidus?" the girl asks in an uninterested tone, "I thought she was fat?"
I blush and make my way to sit in an armchair away from the group, "She use to be, now just because she's skinny she thinks it's a good excuse to dress like a whore."
"What did you just say?" Lenne beats me to the punch, "Shuyin, walk over there and slug you're brother!"
"Why? It's true… she showed up in thirty below weather wearing a tank top and a tiny white skirt, you cannot tell me that's smart!"
"You expect me to wear snow-pants and a parka in Bevelle?" I ask.
He rolls his eyes, "You could've changed on the plane."
"Don't be such an ass." Lenne shoots back at him as Paine, Baralai, Wakka and Lulu walk down the stairs.
"Sorry we're late folks." Wakka smiles, waving a sack of presents in mid-air, "We had to drop off Vidina at his aunts, isn't that right Lu?"
Lulu nods and smiles in my direction. She was never part of the in crowd in high school… she was kind of gothic so they shunned her in the same way they did me, but Wakka saw something. Long story short they're married with a kid.
The four of them sit on a couch, hands together, feet entwined, it's like the six couples practically form a chain of sickening happiness… and here I am secluded away in my little armchair, only enough room for one lonely broken heart.
"So tell us about Bevelle." Lenne smiles, though I know she's not really that interested, "Got a boyfriend back there… you're so pretty now I'd be amazed if the answer was no!"
I took a second to consider my answer. Truthfully, I didn't think it would be fair to date back in Bevelle, not when my heart was so sickly attached to the blonde haired boy across the room. No, I had remained single, "I had a lot of friends, but I don't have a boyfriend at the moment."
"Oh my god, really? You should let me and Lennie set you up!" Rikku exclaims. I had a feeling it would come to this.
"Oh, she just got back here Rikku. Let her settle, will you?" Paine barks.
"Who'd want to go out with her anyways?" I dig my fingernails into the armchair. Gippal may think that's funny…
A few laughs echo in reply…
Rikku, Tidus, Shuyin… and that whore may think it's funny… but if they were in my position for one second…
The lump of nerves in my stomach seems to rise up into my throat. I blink back the tears that are threatening me, telling me they're going to escape and that they're going to flee down my cheeks and prove them all right.
I get up, slowly. Turn on the heal of my shoe and step one by one faster until it turns into a running march up the stairs and to my room. I shove the door shut in a wall shaking slam.
I wasn't going to be their victim… not this time.
The room went silent, dead silent. I knew we had gone too far. I had gone too far…
But what did she expect? She just left and I'm supposed to greet her back into my arms with a smile? She was supposed to stay, be here for me at the very least! Dealing with Adrianna and her in one week was just too much…
Adrianna was and still is the love of my life. But I had to let her go… I wouldn't be able to respect myself if I hadn't. But when Dona came sauntering into my life, walking along with those legs that seemed to go on for miles and miles…. Well… I forgot about Adrianna, but not about Yuna…
"GO apologize you jerk!" Lenne stood up and glared at me.
"Gippal…" I interject.
"Tidus get you're ass up there… NOW! I don't give a fuck damn what Gippal did and didn't do, it's you're fault that Yuna's in a bad place right now! She comes back beautiful a completely changed person and all you can do is disrespect her? Don't you think she's had enough?"
"I'll do it, alright? Just calm down Lenne." I say, helping Dona off my lap.
"I'll be back soon babe." I kiss her on the cheek before moving towards the stairs.
"You'll better not be a jerk about it!" she yells at me as I travel … and keep traveling until I reach the door to Yuna's room.
The light is on, and I can see a long shadow extending into the hall…
I hear the door handle click as I open it to reveal her tear-stained face.