A/n: dear lord, it's been a while, hasn't it? You all must really hate me! I'm sorry for the god-awful wait, but I just haven't been able to finish this. All thanks that I finished this at all should go to Kim (Van Fanel's Soulmate) who was hell bent on getting me to finish this. I'm so sorry, mainly to you Kim, that I didn't finish this sooner. I feel really terrible for making you wait so long.
I also have a message for Firestorm2004; this is a fan fiction, therefore its not MEANT to go with the series. Yessh, Ran is a bitch, but this chapter will give everything some closure, so fall off your high horse and give no point-of-views a chance.
Without out further ranting, I bring you My Ran-neechan, chapter three, Reflection
It had been a month.
A month after her confrontation with Shinichi-
No, with Kudo.
She was still getting used to the 'rules'.
The two of them now had a silent agreement going on. They were to no longer speak to the other, especially not call each other by their first names.
It was the final link between the two. It was hard-really hard-but they finally broke away that last bridge that connected their hearts.
Well, that's how it was meant to work. Some how, when she was alone at night, she still felt for him. She still ended up missing him.
It wasn't like when she thought he was off on a case. Back then, she had some hope of him returning to her.
Now she knew hoping just wasn't worth it anymore.
Now it was a pain, not a longing.
The first night, after she had told him she no longer needed him like she used to, she had come home to an empty house for the first time in…what seemed like years.
She had taken off her shoes, placed them in their normal spot, and felt her heart give a painful serge when she noticed Conan's were no longer there for her to set her's next to. Then she walked the hallway to her room, but paused when she passed Conan's door. Again her heart had cracked a little. The door had been open a ways, the hallway's glow snaking in to cover the floor in a thin string of light. Not knowing why, she opened the door a little more to look into his room. The room was then bathed in the hallway's light.
Nothing had changed. His little bed was where it had always been, neat and un-slept in. The boxes that used to occupy this room had all been cleared away in time, leaving a child's room in its place. She had reached up to turn on the light when she stopped. What was the use? She already knew where everything was. Conan always did have a way with keeping things neat.
No, Shinichi always had a way of keeping things neat.
Again tears had come to her eyes. Now that she was home, she could finally let it all out. Throwing herself onto the futon, she had buried her face into the pillow and cried into it. Her senses swum with the familiar scent of her little adopted brother, and she had to keep correcting herself that it was really Shinichi's she was smelling, which just made her cry a little harder. She had spent the night in that room, crying and cursing.
Now it was all gone.
His bed, his books, his toys, his clothes-
All of it had been sold or given back or given away.
Now if she were to open that door and turn the light, only boxes would greet her.
God, how she missed that little boy…
Maybe she did love Conan the most out of the two, or maybe she only loved him more now that he was gone. It was very confusing deciding between the two, because to her, there were two completely different people:
Conan, the little brother she never had and Shinichi, the one who gave her up for the world.
In a way she loved both equally yet couldn't keep herself from picking sides. Conan had always been there for her where Shinichi hadn't. He had always been sweet and caring, putting her before himself where as Shinichi was always gone and out of her reach.
But, now that she knew they were and always had been one person, she could no longer justify her feelings over the two.
The more time she had to think about it, the more she hated herself. Shinichi was Conan, therefore he was the loving, adorable little brother she had known for so long. Yes, he did lie to her. Yes, he did deceive her and, in a way, use her, but he did it out of love for her. He did it so she wouldn't be hurt.
Well, that plan backfired big time. Now where were they? Both eighteen and miserable.
Well, she wouldn't say both of them. Sh-no, Kudo- had seemed to bounce back only a few days after their little 'talk'. She had watched, from a distance of course, as he laughed happily with a new girl around his arm. Her heart had felt like it was going to break into a million pieces.
She had thought he had loved her enough to…she didn't know, hold on to her longer? Was she really that easy to replace? What happened to 'I can't live without you, Ran'?
Either way, none of that mattered now. She was going to get it all over and done with.
She was going to jump from the top of the school building, right when he would be leaving. He'd turn and watch her fall. Maybe he'd try to save her. She didn't know, nor did she care. Either way, today was going to be her last day.
She spent her last few periods of school writing up her 'will' of sorts. She wanted everything she owned to stay with her father for him to choose what to do with. Knowing him, he'd sell it all to pay for cigarettes or booze. Despite the morbid circumstances, she couldn't keep herself from chuckling at the image of him pawning off her ashes to pay for some liquor. The only thing she didn't want to go to her father was her diary, holding the entire year of Shin-
Kudo, dammit! He's Kudo now!
holding the entire year of Kudo's disappearance. That was going to go to Kudo Shinichi himself. It wasn't for revenge or to make him feel worse about himself. No, she wanted him to have it so he could always remember the fun they had together as Conan and his Ran-neechan.
As she wrote the last line, her eyes slowly filled with tears. She was really going to do it. She was going to kill herself. She sucked in a breath and scribbled the rest down quickly before folding it up. It wasn't time to dwell. It was time to act.
When the bell rang, signaling the end of school, she was ready, at least mentally. It wasn't until she got out into the hallway did she start second guessing if what she was doing was the best idea.
And then she was knocked right over by someone.
"Shit! Sorry, Ra- I mean Mori-san!"
She looked up to see Kudo sprawled out over her, their legs entangled and their books littering the ground around them. Their faces were so close, she could feel his breath on her skin. For a moment, she allowed herself to stare into his eyes one last time. They had become a little brighter then the last time she had looked directly into them a month ago, but they weren't even close to how bright or happy as they were before. Secretly she kicked herself for what she had put him through. She blinked, realizing she had been staring probably a little too long.
"S-sorry, Kudo-san," she mumbled out, finally looking away. "I-I wasn't looking where I was going."
He got up off of her and reached out a hand to help her up as well. She stared at his outstretched palm for a moment before taking it. After he had pulled her up she realized just what she had been doing. If she didn't move now, her whole plan would be ruined. When Kudo had turned away to pick up his stuff, she pushed out of the circle of bystanders that had developed and made a dead run for the stairs and didn't stop running until she had thrown open the door to the roof.
Beautiful blue skies greeted her. She paused for a moment to suck in a breath of fresh air. Slowly she approached the railing set by the edge of the roof, trying her best to ignore the pounding of her heart in her ears. She was going to do this. She had to do this.
All those years of karate discipline slowly inched her forward and over the railing to stand on the small ledge on the other side. Her hands gripped the metal railing in a white knuckled hold. Beneath her, she didn't know exactly where in the building, a bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Stories below, students, her classmates, poured from the entrance, their noisy chatter barely audible from her height. She watched breathlessly as a girl looked up at her from her place on the firm ground. Although she could not make out the girl's face, she felt both of them make eye contact.
They started at each other for a second.
Then the girl screamed.
Startled by the high-pitched sound, she lost her footing and tumbled off the ledge, one of her hands still holding the railing for dear life. Arching her head back, she looked back down at the ground below her. A small crowd had gathered, all staring up at her as she dangled off of the school building. She held her breath and searched the bystanders over.
None of them were Kudo.
Her hand loosened ever so slightly. She couldn't stay hanging like this forever! One of the students were bound to go get a teacher or someone to stop her.
Screw Kudo. She had to do this now.
Reaching into her pocket with her free hand, she rummaged around for her will. It wasn't there.
Crap! She thought to herself. I must have dropped it when I bumped into Kudo!
She paused for a moment. What was she going to do? Without the will…
It didn't matter, she decided quickly. She loosened her grip on the rail a little more.
Another girl screamed.
It sounded like Sonoko.
She didn't care.
She let go of the railing completely.
For a split second she felt the pleasure of falling.
Then a hand grabbed her wrist.
She looked up into two frightened blue eyes. Kudo stared down at her, his hand wrapped firmly around her wrist, keeping her from falling any farther. His upper body was bent over the railing and his feet were securely fitted under the last bar of the railing, preventing him from falling to his death as well.
"Let go of me!" she screamed. He shook his head, his eyes still wide.
"I won't, Ran!"
He started to pull her up. She tried to find the strength to break away from him, to fall back, but she felt so weak. After he helped her back up over the railing, she collapsed.
"I told you to let me go, Kudo-san…" she whispered, feeling the tears behind her eyes begin to flow forward.
"Ran, what in the world had you been thinking!"
She looked up to see Kudo drop down into a crouch in front of her, fear still in his eyes. Before she could look away or say anything to him, he grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug.
"Don't ever scare me like that again…"
For a moment she couldn't breathe or think or move. Kudo hand his head resting firmly on her shoulder, one of his hands stroking her hair.
"Never, ever do that again."
"Ku…Shinichi," she whispered, a few tears finally starting to streak down her face. "Shinichi!" She threw her arms around him as well, crying into the front of his jacket. "I promise I won't…" she whispered between the hiccupped sobs. "I promise."
For a while they sat there, holding each other. She sobbed out apologies left and right while he rocked her and told her it was alright. A teacher had rushed up the stairs and thrown open the roof door expecting to have to talk a student out of suicide, but Shinichi shooed him away, assuring him he had things under control. What seemed like hours passed before her tears ran dry and she could no longer cry anymore.
"Your eyes are all red and puffy."
Shinichi smiled ruefully down at her and she blushed.
"They get that way when people cry…" she whispered.
"I've made you cry too much, haven't I?"
He was giving her that guilty, self-loathing look again, avoiding her eyes.
"Shinichi, you baka," she whispered before giving him a playful punch in the ribs. "Quit saying that…I'm just happy you're back…"
He looked back at her, his eyes as bright and happy as ever.
"I'm back, neechan."
She gave him another punch in the ribs, harder this time.
"Quit calling me that!"