Fic: What The Hell(mouth) Happened?

Author: mkcrl120

Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned in this story belong to Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy or some other people. I own nothing and wrote this just to get it out of my system.

Summary: I'm writing some of these, as I've come up with ideas that I honestly don't know what I'll be doing when the Ultimate series gets that far. In the meantime, these won't go away from my brain unless I do something with them. Warning: It may be a standalone it may be spoilers for something later; only time will tell.

Rating: 15 by English standards (mainly for language)

Setting: Season 3 - I think you'll recognise when.

What The Hell(mouth) Happened? - 1/?

Sunnydale High School

'Come on, come on... she's gotta turn up soon,'
Xander was leaning on the wall in the quad, eyes racing as he scanned the crowd of students, looking for one particular individual. There was a group of students tossing a football around. Xander pointedly ignored them. 'Where the hell is she?'

"What ya doing?"

Xander turned to face Buffy. "What..? Oh nothing really. Just standing here, waiting... for something to do." He made a show of putting his hands in his pockets.

Buffy turned to face the crowd trying to figure out what he was watching; she dismissed the guys throwing the football around as he would have joined in if he'd wanted to. She was about to ask again, when she came to the realisation that Xander had placed himself so that he had a perfect view of everyone as they arrived within the grounds. "She'll turn up Xan."

"I've left messages everywhere." Xander said sadly, kicking a stone on the ground. "She's not answering my calls, and it doesn't even look like she's going to come to school."

Buffy quickly leaned into him, linking his arm with hers. "I saw her last night." She confessed.

"You did..? What did you say..? What did she say..?" Xander asked eagerly. Any new news had to be better than the current state he was in.

"I tried to reason with her..." Buffy drifted off. "I mean I don't know why, you cou..." At his look, she discontinued that line of conversation. "Not the right time, eh?" She joked. "But... I got interrupted by some vamps... When I'd dealt with them, she'd already gone."

Sighing, Xander thought about it. "Typical Hellmouth... won't even let my friends state the case on my behalf."

"She'll come round... Just give her time." Buffy thought about her own share of heartache. 'Think he's got a point about the Hellmouth being at fault... stupid thing, with it's annoying undead population and it's stupid hell dimensions.' Then she noticed, that Xander had completely frozen.

Worried for a moment, she began to shake the arm she was holding. "Xan... Xan..?" She asked.

Wondering to see what had shaken him up so bad, she quickly glanced in the direction he was facing. There she was, the person he'd been looking for; and she was staring directly back at him, though her expression showed she wasn't impressed. "Go to her..."

Xander quickly disentangled himself from Buffy and strode across the quad.

"Good luck... I'll see you in class." Buffy shouted after him.

By that time Xander had reached his target; who'd started talking to another girl he didn't recognise.

"Cordelia, we have to talk." he said interrupting their conversation.

"Rude much..?" She cattily responded, starting to drag her friend away.

"I was waiting for you. I left messages but you didn't respond." He tried to explain.

"Sure looked like it..." Cordelia gestured over to where Buffy was still standing.

"What..? That..? She was just being a friend..." He began.

"Like Willow was your friend..?" Turning to her friend, "You remember what I told you about Willow."

The other girl eagerly nodded. "Yes, you said that he was havi..."

"Excuse me..." Xander got in the new girl's face, "But this is a private conversation."

Cordelia came to her friend's defense. "Well we were in a private conversation, but that didn't seem to stop you."

"Touche." Her friend added.

Xander hesitated, wondering how to get through to her, meanwhile Cordelia was still going strong.

"Go back to your friend... talking of which, tell her she'll be getting the cleaning bill for last night."

"I'm sure it wasn't her fault."

"No. It's never your precious Buffy's fault is it?"

"Or Willow's." Cordelia's friend added.

"Look..." Xander began. "I don't even know who you are... But can you just butt out for a moment."

"Her name is Anya." Cordelia informed him. "She's just moved here, and due to the influences of your little group of rejects, she's one of the few people with any style that'll actually talk to me."

"Anya, could you please give us a minute?" Xander used a more tactful approach.

"She doesn't know anybody... don't start on her."

"Okay..." Xander turned around to see if she was still there, she was. "You see that girl over there..." He pointed at Buffy, who saw his action and lifted her hand to point at herself. "That one... her name is Buffy. She'll be more than happy to talk to you, while I speak to Cordy here."

"Don't go anywhere." Cordelia instructed. "He just wants you to meet Buffy, so that your life can go down the toilet too."

"That's not.."

Cordelia ignored him, and continued to explain everything to Anya. "When she arrived. That's when I started my downward spiral. Started off, me needing help... me. Then I ended up in a situation where I was dating the loser in front of you."

"Must have been severe." Anya added, gesturing at Xander's dress sense.

"Buffy has done some good." Xander defended the Slayer. "The details of which, I can't really explain right now." He drifted off.

"She's the Slayer." Cordelia broadcast.


There was a long pause as Anya's face took on a strange look, but then simply commented. "I'm sure that's nice. I don't really understand what that means."

"Ignore it." Xander quickly dismissed Cordelia's previous comment.

"Ignore him." Cordelia said, dragging her friend off.

Xander was shortly left alone in the middle of the quad, he considered following; only to watch them disappear into the female toilets. Sighing, he reluctantly made his way back to Buffy.

"So... didn't go to well, eh?" She tried, wondering how to cheer her friend up.

"About as well as the voicemail messages." He added.

The girl's toilets.

"I can't believe that guy." Cordelia continued her rant, as she washed her hands. "He cheats on me, and he thinks he can make it okay."

"Can't see what you ever saw in him." Anya nodded her agreement.

Sighing, Cordelia paused as she thought it through. "Think it was all the danger they seemed to be in. He was always saving me and others. Pretty hard to ignore when it's rubbed in your face all the time. Think the danger blinded to me to his obvious loser-ness."

"Danger is a distracting force." Anya passed her a paper towel to dry her hands.

"I mean... I never had a problem noticing the loser, prior to all the danger."

"It does stand out."

"You know who I blame?" Cordelia carried on, not paying any attention to Anya's attempts to join in. "Buffy... there was never as much danger til she turned up; she's like a danger magnet or something."

"There are times when I thought it'd be a much better place if Buffy had never come here."

"Really..?" Anya asked, as if contemplating the possibility.

"But.... she has saved my life a few times... gotta give her that. So she has done some good. Maybe if Xander had never helped her... maybe the world could be a better place, if Xander hadn't gotten so friendly with the Slayer. Yeah... that's what I wish, that Xande..."

"That Xander what..?" Anya asked practically jumping on the spot.

"What's up with you?"

"Nothing... tell me more about Xander and what you wish..." Anya was getting excited now.

"No... you're beginning to freak me out."

"Tell me." Anya shouted at her.

Cordelia looked shocked, here she was in the girl's toilets alone with yet another freak. 'This is just typical of the year I'm having. God, now I beginning to think Buffy might be useful again.' "I think I should go."

"No!!" Anya ordered blocking the way. "I mean, no." she said more calmly.

"Why not..?"

"Because... because... I'm your fairy godmother." Anya tried desperately.

"You're my what..?" Cordelia was in disbelief.

"Fairy Godmother..." Anya annouced proudly. "I'm here to grant you a wish."

"How many..?"

"What..? Just the one..." Cordelia gave her a look. "You're thinking of Genie's. Fairy Godmother's can only grant one."

"You're my Fairy Godmother?" Cordelia tried to get her head around the concept. "Well, I suppose that does explain the hair."

Anya's hand automatically went up to check her hair... glaring at Cordelia, she changed topic. "You thought there were only bad demons..? Surely you should have realised, that all the good fairytales also had their own basis in truth."

"I live on a Hellmouth, how come you haven't arrived before?"

"I can only come in times of great peril."

"With my current social status that would explain everything."

"So what's the wish?" Anya asked, pleased with herself.

"Well... I can't get rid of Xander or Buffy... they've both saved my life at various times. So that would be bad. Wilow is a possibility. But knowing my luck, she's probably saved my life too... or at least helped to."

Anya tapped her feet impatiently.

"I suppose I could wish that... naaah, that'd probably result in me dying too. Been too many close calls, if I didn't hang around with them, I suppose I could end up dead that way. Hmmm... think I'm getting the hang of this now."

Anya made an over-acted gesture of looking at a non-existant watch.

"Ohh... I know...." Cordelia began.

Anya listened intently.

"I wish... I wish that Willow and Xander had never felt attracted to one another."

Cordelia watched as Any shrugged. "Eh..? Oh well." Anya's face began to transform. It looked like all the skin had become red-raw. A mixture of either the skin had been stripped off, or the girl was suffering from severe burns. Veins were visible on her neck and face too. "Done." was all she said.

The picture faded to white.

End chapter one