DISCLAIMER: Now, before you even start to read this, you should understand that this fanfiction contains ideas and situations which aren't expressed in the actual movie. I know there will be some people out there who won't agree with me on them and will want to say so, and I warn you now, all reviews that are merely for the purpose of flaming will be removed as I will not tolerate them. This was written for a laugh and I hope that you too will enjoy it.

On a final note, all characters mentioned in this fanfiction are property of Disney and I'm just borrowing them.


The secret diary of Jack Sparrow

(v. private (hehe, that looks like pirate, I'm a pirate), no peeking)

Seriously, no peeking. Or else I will use you to get a ship back or curse you with Aztec gold. Or I could just eat all your apples.

Day 1

V. angry. Horrible crew committed mutiny and marooned me on nasty little island, no rum or treasure. Am developing pout. Barbossa tricked me into giving up the bearings for the overly savvy cursed treasure, though was most obviously drunk at time. Must find way off island.

Rum count: 0 (need rope, am thinking of hanging self)

Kohl status: All runny from being thrown off ship, don't feel very sexy.

Day 2

Getting slightly hungry, and disoriented from lack of rum. Bird attacked me, but I couldn't work out how to fire pistol. Hungry. Tried drinking seawater, remembered why I never had before. Slept.

Rum count: 0 (no rope, nowhere near hairy enough to make my own)

Kohl status: I think I left it on the ship…

Day 3

Ship appeared today. Turns out rum has been on island all this time, feel v. stupid but also v. happy. Said would perform Midsummer Night's Dream all on my own if rum runners would take me off island. Can't remember the fifth act, this could go v. bad.

Rum count: 27 (swagger has returned)

Kohl status: None at all, would like to think I still look sexy anyway.

Day 4

Don't remember last night. Think I made a mean Bottom though. On a ship again, all is good. Now all I have to do is get that ship of mine back. Am thinking of lying about how I got off island, something to do with hair would be good.

Rum count: 16

Kohl status: Has been reapplied, but it's actually eyeliner, need to find real kohl soon.

Day 402

Arrived in Port Royal (silly name). Hoping Anamaria didn't notice her missing boat, got distracted as two seagulls got it on, so boat sunk. Stole guys money when he thought I was being nice. I love me! Found nifty boat, but two obviously in love guards pointed guns at me, felt v. hurt. Ridiculously sexy girl fell in water, dived in to take off all her clothes, as you do. Poncy man called Norrington didn't think it was a good idea (am certain he is a eunuch, either that or he has large object up rear end). Told a man named after a shaver to clap me in irons, found it quite funny. Wanted to finish off job with undressing girl so tried to take her with me, people thought I was trying to kill her, as if! Decided to play on nifty swingy things, but Norrington thought that was a bad idea too, and made guards start shooting at me. Ran away. Poked donkey with red-hot poker, always wanted to do that. Little boy started attacking me with sword, when all I wanted was to find nearest bottle of rum. Am certain little boy is a eunuch. Knocked unconscious by a bottle of alcohol (not the first time), woke up in prison cell, not a very spiffy day.

Rum count: only 4

Kohl status: Slightly runny, but still v. sexy.

Day 402/403

Rudely awoken at unearthly hours by Barbossa's thumping. Think he made a point of not rescuing me. But heehee, he and the mutinous crew are cursed, felt rather happy.

Rum count: Remains of the daily intake wearing off…

Kohl status: Smudged a bit, but still sexy!

Day 403

Little boy visited me today. Turns out he ain't gay, was v. surprised. Also the son of old pirate friend, Will Turner; same name and all. Think people are lacking in the creativity of names these days, mine is much more unusual. Turns out he fancies sexy girl (decided not to tell him I undressed her), and she's been kidnapped. Wasn't going to go with him even when he said he could free me, but he is my old mate's son. Damn pity for relations of friends. Used upturned dingy boat to get to nice big ship, am more than sure Will was checking my arse out. He also made a fool of himself when we commandeered the nice big ship. Now wish didn't feel pity. Got faster nifty ship, the Interceptor, which was the one I failed to steal last time. Jack Sparrow doesn't fail at things, must make up a new story. Got back for pity when made Will do all the work, but nearly sailed into a cliff. Will asked why I wore eyeliner, got v. annoyed so hit him with the boom. Normally people don't hang on when I do that. The little boy may be an annoying eunuch, but he's kinda feisty.

Rum count: 14

Kohl status: Makes me look sexy and is NOT eyeliner.

Day 407

Arrived in Tortuga; niftiest, savviest, place ever. Found Gibbs sleeping with pigs, asked how his wife was and found out he was still angry about the time I got him married to a pig when we were drunk, turns out you can't divorce a pig. Kicked Will for laughing when he found out it was a boar. Quite liked kicking him, might do so again. Nearly killed Gibbs by making him choke to death when said the maid he'd flirted with was actually a eunuch. He didn't like the fact that I was going after Barbossa either, but said he'd get me a crew anyway.

Rum count: 34 (Shllighty dwunk)

Kohl status: Thick 'n' shexy.

Day 408

Very un-savvy hangover. Will tried to give me a cure but smelt rather suspicious, a bit like the pigs Gibbs sleeps with. Don't think the eunuch likes me. Makes me v. upset. Found an almost equally suspicious banana on way to dock, tried to give it to Will to make up for his loss but it made him hate me more. Now hold onto suspicious banana as might find use for it later. Turns out Anamaria was angry about me stealing her boat, her slap brought back treasured memories but hurt a lot. Think it made us both look very sexy. Got new crew, the little mate is the niftiest, quite want to cuddle him. Storm appeared later on, I get great thrills from storms (but I don't tell anyone). Lied to Gibbs, saying we were catching up, fat chance!

Rum count: only 7, get enough of a high from storms.

Kohl status: Streaming down my face due to storm, not v. sexy. But wet!

Day 409

At Isle de Muerta. So funky at steering that I got a chance to reapply my kohl with my compass that secretly doubles as a mirror. In little dingy boat with Will, thought it was quite cosy. But then he goes and asks if I'm gay, so I push him out of boat. Realize that he probably asked because he fancies me, now feel v. stupid. Was fun pushing him in water though, just when he was gawping at the gold and everything. Go me! Turns out he looks quite nice wet. Found the sexy girl, discovered that with more layers, she isn't all that sexy. Had my plan all worked out so I would get my beautiful ship back, but then Will hit me over head with oar. Woke up and the blasted eunuch had taken the not-so sexy girl away. Barbossa made a big point of kidnapping me, but he wasn't really. On a side note, Barbossa looks just as ugly and single as he was 10 years ago and not cursed. Got my own back at him when I ate one of his apples. He threw me in the brig where my precious baby has leaked, I gave her a hug as best I could but discovered arms weren't quite big enough. As if it weren't bad enough that Will hit me over the head and ruined my plan, he then started blowing my ship apart. Managed to escape brig though and decided to kick Will for what he had done, but he hid from me. Then Barbossa's monkey stole the Aztec gold which was my last plan to get the Black Pearl back, so I chased him but ended up in rather compromising posture on pole in front of Barbossa who gave me a rather perverted grin. Couldn't help but remember the time I thought the mast was a sexy woman, I think Barbossa enjoyed that a bit too much and was reminded of it too. Crew on the Interceptor got kidnapped along with me and not-so sexy girl. Stupid Will got blown to smithereens, or so I hoped…thought. Turns out he survived, but then forgot to ask Barbossa for me to have my ship back, stupid eunuch. We went to that v. un-savvy spit of land for me and the not-so sexy girl to walk the plank, not before Barbossa gave me a little cuddle. Whatever I'm wearing, I'm getting rid of it. Turns out the not-so sexy girl has a name. Elizabeth; who is back to nothing but her under-garments, I believe I can change this. Find rum store and discover Elizabeth doesn't like me. This isn't fair, the only person who I've gotten a cuddle from recently is Barbossa and that was disturbing. Got half a cuddle sort of thing later; that was nice. Have a strong feeling that today was extremely long.

Rum count: 21

Kohl status: slightly disappearing

Day 410

The strumpet! The eunuch loving strumpet! The rum! It's gone! She burnt all the rum, it's sacrilege! Forced myself not to kill her, and gave the rum a proper funeral. Then the navy come along proving her right, I don't like her anymore. One more chance to get my ship back. Think Norrington thinks I'm gay as well, but he is clear homophobe. Am rid of the Rum-burner for now. Go to cave and make deal with Barbossa, quite sure he fancies me now. Is very disturbing, will have to kill him later. Will thinks I betrayed him, seriously not getting a hug from anyone now…as long as I can avoid Barbossa. Gave Will sword to prove I still like him, then he goes and thrusts it in the icky undead pirates. Barbossa came onto me, so had to defend myself with sword. Then he got angry and stabbed me, but I was clever and had picked up some of the nifty Aztec gold so I could be immortal. Go me! Rum-burner turned up and saved Will who then broke the curse and I quickly shoot Barbossa. He dies. Will forced me to rid myself of the curse, think he might actually care for me. Have discovered my crew have stolen the Black Pearl and I'm going to be hanged. And I haven't even got a real hug! Thought I was very near to getting one from Will.

Rum count: 0 (can't even drown my sorrows)

Kohl status: sexy, but suddenly doesn't feel so important

Day 417

The day that I'm scheduled to be hung. Stupid sentence person didn't even call me 'Captain' Jack Sparrow, made me v. upset. V. nearly hung, but Will threw sword for me to stand on. He obviously thought it was much easier than it was, either that or there's an actual advantage to being a eunuch. Got cut down and then me and Will did a very savvy escape attempt, but were stopped by guards and the feather in Will's hat began to attack me. Will declared his undying love for me in a cryptic way, saying some rubbish about me being a good man, and so did Elizabeth. I really thought they were going to hug me, was v. disappointed when they didn't. Said my goodbyes but didn't hug anyone because I'm the one who gets the hugs, not the other way round. Then fell over the cliff backwards into the sea, you couldn't believe how relieved I was when the Black Pearl appeared. Apparently I was meant to notice Cotton's stupid little parrot. Am now the Captain of the Black Pearl again, all is good. Even got a half-hug from Anamaria, was v. special. Might get a real one later if I'm good. So coming back to get hugs from Will and Elizabeth, but first must do what I do best.

Rum count: 15

Kohl status: perfectly sexy…can't understand why I didn't get any hugs.


More secret diaries are coming, I'm working on Will's right now, so don't forget to come back and take a little look again.