DISCLAIMER: As said in the previous diaries, this fanfiction contains ideas and situations not expressed in the film, which not everyone will agree with. So I'm warning you now, and flamers will be deleted and will not be tolerated. And yes, none of these characters belong to me and they are copyrighted to Disney.

That said, enjoy the next installment of the Secret Diaries


The secret diary of Elizabeth Swann - as conveniently hidden in the secret compartment of her top drawer. If found, go to top drawer and lift up false bottom, please return and leave various secret items there (I count the suspicious photographs).

Day 1

Had super dream about sexy Will last night. It was v. kinky and I think too naughty to even write down. But then something went on about that pirate gold I nicked from him, what was that about? Daddy gave me a cool new dress, the corset wouldn't fit though. Obviously a child's version as no grown woman size is too small for me. Went to Norrington's ceremony because daddy made me. Began to feel ill and out of breath, think I ate too much off the seafood platter. After Norrington pranced around with his new sword playing 'Wiggy Brits and Pirates', he asked to talk to me. Wanted to run in other direction but damn dress made it impossible. Calculated odds of jumping off cliff, looked good. Leant over too far and fell. What are the chances? V. hard to swim in dress and began to drown. Woke up again in just my undergarments with strange man on top of me, looked a bit like a wet stray dog. Cute but scraggly. Norrington then came along with the whole protective boyfriend act, hid in shame. Stray dog man is Captain Jack Sparrow! Heard cool stories about him. He escaped Norrington which is a bad idea, Norrington won't let him go now.

Hair status: Poofy and super.

Imperfections: Had a load of freckles in my dream, can't quite figure that out….

Day 1/2

Jack Sparrow got caught, that's not so cool. Worst is Norrington will invite me to the hanging and show off about it. Port Royal got blown to bits by ship called the Black Pearl, can't say I mind. Pirates came to mansion, bloody servant practically beckoned them in with milk and cookies. Decided to kill them with sword but tacky LOTR sword crest from ebay was stuck together with superglue. Invoked the right of parlé even though I'm not a pirate, silly idiots believed me. Pirates want gold I nicked from Will. It's mine! Miiiiiiiiiiine!... So I gave it to them anyways, who cares? When asked my name, decided to play out fantasy of being Will's wife, turns out that's going to get me into some deep poo. Stuck on pirate ship going to hell knows where. Kind of forgot to ask to be taken back ashore. Whoops.

Hair status: Flat, greasy, uh, where is my frizz-ease?

Imperfections: My hair! My skin! I'm so unclean!

Day 2

Spent the day playing card games with a deck of cards I found, they had pictures of naked ladies on, and the box had 'property of Captain Jack Sparrow' written on it. Stumbled across some sort of shrine in Captain Barbossa's bedroom, pictures of Jack everywhere, old shirts too. Am now horrified. Ate with him later, was given a dress from his own wardrobe. Really didn't want to wear it but didn't have much choice. Been trying to watch my diet recently but Barbossa goes ahead and force-feeds me with tons of unhealthy food. My carbs diet is ruined! Retaliated by shoving knife in his chest. Goddamit he can't even die! … On side note, all the pirates are cursed by pirate gold, and are going to kill me.

Hair status: Gave up hope when the monkey did its business in it.

Imperfections: Would you believe they don't even have a bath tub on this dreadful ship? I'm doomed!

Day 8

At Isla de Muerta. Place of tacky gold and ultra-not-so-spiffy-cursed-treasure. Was so sure I was going to die, but Barbossa must be well and truly evil because instead of killing me he scarred my beautiful skin. On plus side, Norrington could be put off. Barbossa hit me when my blood didn't lift the curse. Awoke to find a v. sexy, v. wet Will on top me. Now there's something nice to wake up to. Escaped with sexy Will on dinghy boat, rather cosy. Arrived on Interceptor only to find more pirates, was furious to find out that I'd just missed Jack Sparrow. Sexy Will took me below deck, prospects of getting it on looked good. Didn't go so well, I gave him back his medallion after all these years, expecting him to snog me senseless. Instead he went mad. Never saw that coming. Ran away screaming. Icky undead pirates came aboard, so not good for my complexion. Was just fighting one off when Jack Sparrow comes along and tries to undress me. Of all possible times! Will was hiding from Jack when we were made captives of Black Pearl. Ship blew up, was devastated but thought at least I still had Jack. Will lived, what's more, he was all sexy and wet again. Day ended up with me stranded on an island in nothing but my undergarments and Jack Sparrow to keep me company. Can see advantages there…

Hair status: Tussled, Jack's gonna find it hard resisting me.

Imperfections: Cleansed by the sea but…think I'm developing a spot!

Day 9

Came up with super spiffy idea to make a pretty beacon with the rum found on island, Jack clung to my legs crying as I threw the last bottle onto the fire. I'm a little worried about him. Norrington came along in his big boat (showing off again), had to say I would marry him if he saved Will for me. It was the hardest thing I'd ever said in my life, barfed when no one was looking. Went back to Isla de Muerta, got shoved into room before I could tell anyone the pirates can't be killed. Oh well, it's their loss. Realised I'd left a hair pin at the cave so escaped to get it back, it was a very nice pin. Saved Will's life and Will lifted the curse. Didn't find that damn hair pin though.

Hair status: Awful, looking forward to a good perm and hair pin.

Imperfections: Spot getting bigger…

Day 16

Jack was meant to be hanged today. Felt rather sorry for him. Would much rather keep him as a pet. Will appeared in super fluffy hat, wanted to stroke it. Said he fancied me loads, and I thought I was going to faint. In the end I just pretended to as Will freed Jack, boy did they look sexy together. Will proclaimed his undying love for Jack and thought I'd better get in there for a threesome. Jack copped out at the last minute, I'll get him back though.

Hair status: Permed and hair pins in place, at last.

Imperfections: None, I've never been so happy, or pretty.


I am so sorry that it's been so long since I've done an update on this fanfiction, but Elizabeth is such a damn hard character for me to write. I've been working on this thing for months! Fingers crossed for a quicker update next.

But a big thankyou to all of those who have reviewed this fanfiction, I shall now endevour to reply to each of yours:

Cal - I absolutely love your long, analytical reviews, they are so much fun! I could write an essay to reply fully to you :P
Miya Sparrow - Jack wants hugs because I want to hug him, nuff said.
Cornishxxxpixie - So glad to have converted you :P
Miina Sparrow - I have to say, to even be compared to the v. secret LOTR diaries is an honour, they just rock my socks!
Midnight Ballad - Now there's an idea, I hadn't thought to do Jack the monkey's diary, yes, I shall do that one, don't let me forget it!
And all those who I haven't replied to, thanks loads!