Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. I also don't own an alligator, but since I don't particularly want one, it isn't really an issue.

Chapter Five: Disturban Times

Professor Quirrel was a strange man. His frightened stutter made him the subject of immediate ridicule by the student body, but that wasn't what set Harry's nerves on edge around him. It seemed that whenever Quirrel turned around, Harry's scar twinged unpleasantly, and his guardians would stir uncomfortably at the back of his mind. The odd thing was that Quirrel was the Defense against the Dark Arts professor. Technically, Harry should have felt the safest around him.

That night, Harry made his way to Remus' office and told him everything that had happened. The werewolf looked thoughtful. "There really isn't anything I can do without proof, Harry," he said finally. "But I think I know of something that you can do. Your guardians can possess your squeak toy at any time, can't they?"

Harry smiled suddenly, seeing where he was going with this. "I take it you want me to start carrying Rumples around with me all the time in case something decides to attack."

"I think it would be wise. Your guardians can use their powers through it?" Harry nodded. "Then that should work perfectly, with no one the wiser."

"Thanks Remus."

"Anytime, Harry. You can come to me for anything. Even mouse troubles." They talked a while longer about inconsequential things before Harry returned to the Slytherin dorms.


Harry's first flying lesson was an exercise in follies. He felt like he was in an evil episode of the Three Stooges. The only thing that went right was the part where his broom came obediently to his hand when he commanded it to.

The problems began when Madame Hooch told them to mount their brooms. It turned out that Parkinson had cast a sticking charm on Neville's broom. It got worse when Neville's repressed fear of heights kicked in. He had crashed into three parapets, a tower, and had almost flown into the Forbidden Forest before Harry, Draco, and Ron had caught him.

Then they had to simultaneously calm down Neville and Hermione. Neville was shaking with fear; Hermione was quaking with rage. (Pansy was currently in the Hospital Wing recovering from several hexes, which Madame Hooch had conveniently had her back turned to during the casting of.)

As if that wasn't enough, while Neville was being taken to the Hospital Wing to tend to any broken bones he might have acquired, Blaise Zabini used an altered form of the levitation charm to send Hermione flying in a fifty foot tall arc through the air.

Harry caught her a foot off the ground.

In the distance, he could hear Draco cursing Blaise with fourth year hexes and a little help from the Gryffindors. Hermione was still shaking like a leaf, a chalk white leaf in a high wind. Harry smoothed her hair away from her face. "Are you alright?" She nodded mutely, and he placed her gently on the ground. He was pretty sure he was as pale as she was. If he hadn't caught her...He had the sudden urge to hex Blaise into a tiny pile of ashes ("I'll do it," Ate/Rumples volunteered from his pocket. "We'll work out something later," Harry muttered, seeing Madame Hooch approaching.).

Madame Hooch reached them after they had managed a shaky two steps. She looked close to frantic. "Are you alright, Miss Granger?"

"I'm just a little shaken, ma'am."

"Twenty points to Slytherin, Mister Potter. That was a remarkable catch."

"I agree," came Professor Snape's voice. "Come with me, Mister Potter, Miss Granger. You as well, Mister Malfoy."

Professor Snape's office was mildly disappointing if you were a Gryffindor. There were no chains or manacles, no cobwebs, and no dried splotches of blood on the carpets. Instead, it was tastefully decorated in dark mahogany and forest greens. "There are precisely two reasons I called you here, but first, would you like a calming potion Miss Granger?" She nodded mutely, still pale, and he brought her a dark blue potion.

"Thank you," she said quietly, color finally returning to her face.

Snape nodded lightly. "In the space of four days, you three have managed to make precisely two enemies and unite two houses that have been divided against each other for over eight hundred years. Ms. Granger has just come within twelve inches of being seriously injured! Now, I want to be absolutely clear. I do not blame any of you for these attacks, but I must advise that you practice more caution in the future! I think we have already seen the levels to which Mister Zabini and Miss Parkinson will lower themselves. Though by the time I get through with them, I think they will seriously reconsider any such rash actions in the future." The last sentence was in a tone of such whispered menace that the trio doubted they were meant to hear it. "Now, on to the next order of business." He stepped out of his office for a moment and returned with a rough looking fifth year boy. "Mister Malfoy, Mister Potter, Miss Granger, this is Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch Captain. Marcus, I've found you a chaser and a seeker."


That night while Harry was sleeping, his guardians were busy enacting a plan for vengeance. The first part consisted of possessing five objects around the room. Ate took Rumples. Sarumawashi-a Japanese monkey trainer-took Harry's wand. Ares took Draco's. Hanuman-the Hindu god of monkeys-possessed a shoe, and Odin possessed a dragon figurine on Draco's night-stand.

Quietly, carefully, the five guardians made their way first to the bed of Blaise Zabini. The curtains parted around the sleeping boy, and the Hanuman/shoe pulsed once, twice...a chimpanzee wearing a purple jumper and a red and gold propeller hat lay curled asleep on the bed. A poke from Draco's wand levitated him, and Blaise the Chimp followed the five Gods to the girls' dormitories.

But they were also being followed by Draco.

At the girls' dormitories, they turned Pansy Parkinson into a Howler monkey. It just seemed more appropriate. At Ate's discretion, they also dressed her in a garish hot pink tutu and a lacy orange bonnet. Ares insisted on purple clogs. Odin questioned his masculinity. Ares sulked.

Hermione followed Draco.

A stage was set up at the teacher's table in the Great Hall, and the five Gods set a complicated spell on the chimp and the monkey as they put them through their paces. At two a.m. they returned the possessed items to the dormitories. The production would begin at breakfast.


Harry was unusually tired the next morning. It seemed to take forever for him to open his eyes, and the only thing he could compare the feeling to was when he had summoned a swarm of grasshoppers because he didn't want to mow the lawn. When he did open his eyes, the first thing he saw was Draco standing over him.

"You're never going to believe what your guardians got up to last night."

That woke him up.


It was Romeo and Juliet. With volcanoes. And a balcony covered in poisoned ivy. And Juliet's relatives laid her body out on a hill of fire ants.

It was a critically acclaimed success.

The minor character were played by paper dolls on Popsicle sticks, and as the play progressed the spell holding Blaise and Pansy into their respective animal forms slowly faded. By the time the curtain-a layer of tar and canary feathers-fell, they were entirely themselves. The poisoned ivy and fire ants were entirely real.

Once the show was over, the two divas made a break for the Hospital Wing.

Meanwhile, Draco had already explained Harry's ability to Hermione the night before. Now all the three had to do was convince the professors that Harry hadn't intentionally set his guardians loose on the two students. It made for an interesting conversation in Dumbledore's office:

SNAPE: So there were two wands, a rubber mouse, a fuzzy bear slipper, a dragon figurine, a chimpanzee, and a howler monkey?

HERMIONE: Yes, Professor, and they were running through the motions of the play at approximately one a.m. last night.

SIRIUS: And Harry was asleep during all of this?

DRACO: Yes. Frankly, I'm fairly certain that he could have slept through a stampede of hippogriffs.

REMUS: That sounds like something Lily would have done... How tired were you this morning? (said to Harry)

HARRY: I only came to breakfast because Draco promised there would be monkeys with clogs on.

SNAPE: I think Remus was hoping for something more quantifiable, Harry.


SNAPE: Something which would provide a more accurate estimate as to your state of health.


DRACO: Allow me to translate, professor. (to Harry) If you were a grapefruit, am I wearing a raincoat?

HARRY: Oh. I'm really, really sleepy...I liked watching the monkeys...

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I think it would be best if we let Harry get some rest then. I don't think any punishment will be necessary. After all, what the gods decide to do is really out of mortal hands, but I would appreciate it if you would talk to them about restraining themselves Harry. –Harry nodded tiredly.- Now, Lemon drops anyone?


Remember everybody, reviews are good for you, and they serve a very useful function, too! In this case, I need suggestions for what Neville sees in the Mirror of Erised! This is a comedy, so make 'em funny! Also keep in mind that I have a somewhat warped sense of humor at times, so don't be afraid to roast Snape alive on a pit of cocktail weenies...well technically you can't do that now, but you get the idea. And if anyone wants to add in a suggestion for something for Rumples to see, send that in too. Just make sure that you say who possesses it-if anyone. I'd imagine the desires of an unpossessed squeak toy would be interesting to say the least...

Night-Owl123: Thanks for reviewing! I'm just a sugar junkie, myself. -gives out vanilla sugar wafer-

...And if anyone would like to complain about the really bad pun in the chapter title, speak now or forever hold your peace.