Pests

By Ysabet

NOTES: Okay, I need to do a bit of explaining first… This little fic all got started on my LJ when my friends and co-ficcers Icka M. Chif and Po'e got into this silliness about Kaito being turned into a dog by Akako—not PHYSICALLY turned into one, just mentally. I recall that at one point Hakuba seemed to be walking him on a leash… ahem (think that one was Icka's? Not sure). Anyway, one thing led to another, and… this was the result. Please forgive me, Icka & Po'e; thought I had posted this, but it turns out that I hadn't. So here goes…


Itch, itch, itch…

Kuroba Kaito did his best to refrain from squirming in his seat. Not only would it look too undignified for words (and give that goddamned Hakuba a laugh), but it wouldn't help; a protracted scratch in the school Men's Room had proven that already.

He (not withstanding his recent mental descent into dogdom) did NOT actually have fleas. He just felt like he did; it was a side-affect that Akako had not counted on but so far had derived a really sadistic amount of amusement from. Aoko kept sidling away—apparently she was afraid of catching the nonexistent pests—and Hakuba just sat at his desk, tapping his pencil on his notebook and smiling that smug little smile of his…

The Brit claimed that the little biting thingies had no more reality than his doggishness had had. Yeah, right…

Itch, itch, itch….. itchitchitchitchitch

Aaaaargh!! He had to do something before the little bastards drove him insane—

Morosely the afflicted thief considered his options. What drove fleas away? Baths, flea-collars, flea-dip—but he had only just managed to get rid of one collar; he wasn't in any hurry to put on another. Baths hadn't helped, and neither had the flea-dip he had surreptitiously picked up the evening before (the stuff stank, too; he had smelled like the end of a long day in a chemistry lab). So what was left? Maybe if he just attempted to ignore it it'd wear off—

Itch….. itch….. ITCH…ITCH…ITCH ITCH ITCH ITCH!!!!!

EEEYAAAAGH!!!

And three desks away, Hakuba was smirking. He really was. "It's all in your mind, Kuroba," he commented smugly. "Show a little self-discipline, won't you?" A little closer at hand, Aoko shot her squirming classmate a sympathetic look and edged a bit further away in her own desk.

Utter bastard. Okay, got just one option left; if they won't disappear, maybe they can be persuaded to do something else… and there's really only one person who can help me here. I really, really hate to do this, but—

itch itch itch itch itch itchitchitchitchitchITCHITCHITCH!!!

--I think I can manage to persuade myself somehow—


So, later, after class:

Grovel, grovel, grovel..... "Oh, c'mon now There's GOT to be something besides 'being your slave for all eternity' that you want from me—"

"Mmm. Well, I suppose you could…" Whisper, whisper, whisper--

"Eeep. Koizumi-kun, I don't think that's legal in Japan. Or across the majority of the free world, for that matter."

"As if YOU were one to worry about legalities?" Sigh. "But I suppose that getting the cooperation of a camel, two albino ballerinas and a trampoline would be a bit difficult, even for you."

Sweatdrop, scratchscratchscratch. "Koizumi-kun? Pleeeeeease think of something else? Please? Before I die here? I am dying, you know; I'm being eaten alive by little phantom ghost-fleas. Nibbled to death by—"

"Oh, hush. –You know, there IS this one thing I'd rather like; have you seen that little shop over on Tenma and Fifth? The chocolate shop with the—"

"—the unusual, um, stock of shapes? Why am I not surprised? You want me to go in there and buy you one, don't you? Oh Jeeze….. If anybody sees me I'll never ever live this down. Why the hell don't you go buy one yourself?"

Smirk. "A lady doesn't go into places like that, Kaito-kun…"

"Ohhh, riiiiiiiiight….. Like half the class didn't window-shop there on Valentine's…"

"It's either that or keep itching, Kaito-kun. And somehow I can't see you pursuing your after-hours 'hobby' with a bad case of fleas."

"Urk."

"And I prefer dark chocolate, by the way. Well…?"

scratchscratchITCHITCHITCH!!!

"AAAGH! OkayOkayOkay, I'll drop it off later this evening….. You just keep YOUR part of the bargain, Miss Witch. Now—d'you want small, medium or large?"


And on the following day:

"Aaaaaahhhhh…"

"Kaito-kun? You—look like you're feeling a lot better today…"

Aoko's classmate grinned, leaning back and stretching in his desk. "Oh, I am, I am." He raised one mobile eyebrow at her dubious look. "No more itchies! All gone."

"Gone where?"

Kaito rolled his eyes. "Jeeze, Aoko, they weren't exactly visible in the FIRST place; how the hell should I know? I couldn't see 'em when they arrived, so I damn well couldn't see 'em leave." He shrugged, avoiding her eyes.

Nakamori's daughter wasn't buying it; she fixed a gaze that resembled her father's to an alarming extent on her friend's face. "Kaitooooo--? SPILL IT. Where did they go?"

He fidgeted for a second longer before caving. "Um, well…" His classmate followed his gaze as it shifted, her own eyes growing wide. Beyond them both, Hakuba Saguru sat reading in his desk, chin propped on a hand. There was nothing unusual about that; the detective loved to read. What WAS unusual was the way seemed to be a little restless today, shifting a bit in his seat as he reached back to scratch the back of his neck—

Just behind him, Koizumi Akako sat watching with all the interest of a cat at a mouse-hole, waiting for a twitch.

--and Hakuba's eyes suddenly went wide. Twisting around, he simultaneously attempted to reach the both the small of his back and behind his left knee in a series of jerky movements. Pleased, Koizumi-kun smiled a satisfied little smile.

Aoko turned back around. "KAITO?"

He looked smug. "Flea pheromones. Turns out most of the ones on me were male—although I don't want to know how Koizumi-kun knew that—so I got her to concoct me a little vial of flea pheromones, the kind that attracts the males. I dumped it on Hakuba when you were chasing me with your mop earlier, and right now he smells like the world's biggest, sexiest female flea." Kaito stretched again, grinning. At Aoko's outraged look, he merely blinked. "What? Wasn't he the one claiming that they weren't real? If he's so sure, let's see him convince THEM."

And still grinning, he leaned back in his seat. "Arf, arf….."