Title: Little Red Book
Author: Lint
Email: CrashDarby@aol.com
Rating: R
Pairing: Xander and a lot of people.
Disclaimer: Belong to Joss and company, not me.
Summary: A letter of intent.

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Dear Buffy,

I can see your eyes widening as you recognize my penmanship. It's been awhile hasn't it? Something like five years since my "accident." Five years since you let me run away with the promise that I could live as long as I never came back. I don't see it that way you know. It being an accident I mean. I guess no one does afterwards. Most count it as a blessing I would think. Your mind tends to see things a little differently on the other side of the spectrum. I know what your thinking, typical predator thought pattern right? That may be true but I like to think of myself as an exception to that little generalization of my kind. And I know even when you see me again I doubt you'll kill me. After all, you did kind of bend the slayer code for Spike and Angel didn't you? Look at me, I'm rambling. What say I get to the point of this letter?

A few reasons I'm writing you.

1. I'm going to break my promise. Now wait just a minute my jumpy little slayer; don't go breaking out the stakes and holy water just yet. I'm not on some revenge tangent to get you. I would never hurt you. I still remember that night you know. In fact I think about it all the time actually, every moment of my existence since that moment. I can still see that sadness in your eyes. The sadness that I had become what I for so long have despised with my whole being. What you had despised. Despite the body-screaming urge to keep attacking you I still noticed your despair over losing me. It was sweet Buffy. I still think that even now. And I also think it could have been something else in those deep pools of yours I loved to stare into, that could have been something you didn't want to realize about me that made you so upset. You were starting to feel something for me then weren't you?

I can see your eyebrow arching at that Buff, but that is your lip curling into a smile too isn't it?

You're wondering how I became so confident even though you know the answer. I've never seen you that crushed Buffy. Not when Angel or Riley left. Not when Giles was killed or Willow moved to New York with Tara. I was all you had left and you were devastated to see me fall. I wish we could have had a proper good bye Buffy, but I guess our scars serve as a reminder that we couldn't. I still have mine you know, just above my right eye. Where you got in that lucky jab with your knife. Everytime I touch it...well it makes me think of you. I know you cover yours up, which is kind of sad. You always looked good in those little shirts of yours. I know it's my fault really, biting along your collarbone and all. Look at me, chatting away. I promise not to kill anyone while I'm there. I just need to pick up a few things. You'll only see me when I come to claim it.


2. I have enclosed one of my few precious possessions. My little red book. I think you'll find it interesting reading material, though you may not like some of the acts depicted, I seemed to have gotten a bit graphic with them. What can I say? I'm a stickler for details. You'll see the girls you've known about already in it.

Faith of course. You still haven't let me go with that one yet have you? Even when I was with Cordy you were always pulling for me to hook up with Willow, and the losing the big 'V' to Faith didn't help that did it? What you don't know is that Faith and I got a second round. I ran into her in LA right after I left. She knew what I was. I don't think she cared for a second. I guess thriving for redemption doesn't include ignoring wanton acts of sexual deviancy. She was always curious what it would be like you know, getting naughty with one of us. I mean, she went after Angel a few times didn't she? Always wondering how it would feel with the skin so cold, would the sensations be any different? She got her answer. Just look to page forty-two and you'll see more of what I mean.

Anya is in there. I mean I was with her for months and there were a lot of crazy kinky things that miss new-to the human experience liked to do let me tell you. Oh wait I did tell, look at pages one to twenty-five. Yes she was annoying half the time, but she was a demon in the sack. Bow before me, for I am Xander, king of cretins and bad puns. Yes I may have changed in many others ways Buffy but my sense of humor is something that I did take with me to the grave.

There are a few names you won't recognize. Like Sherry, Alicia, Melissa, Jessica, Tiffany, Sue, Rachel, Jennifer, Cameron, Sharon, Diane, and countless other that I came across on my nightly encounters. I know you can't possibly see the reality of me getting intimate with all those women, but let me tell you something.

You're not going to be happy when you hit the D-section.

Both Darla and Drusilla did try to kill you more than once. So I know fucking not one, but two of them isn't exactly scoring me any more brownie points. But hey, the wanted me and I went with it.

I came across Darla in Chicago. She was alone and pining for a new companion. I was surprised she didn't have one. Whenever we encountered her she always had someone in tow. I've never seen someone so alone, not even you Buffy. We met in a seedy little bar on the wrong side of town, she was leaning against the bar absently stirring her drink. I walked up to her, and she didn't know who I was at first. I think she thought I was just another jerk walking up to a lonely looking woman in a shit dive of a watering hole. When she did realize who I was, she smiled. She has a nice smile. She tilted her head as she sized me up, her face lighting up when she realized what I was. Anyway, she asked me to sit and we talked. You know how the story goes after that. Had a few drinks (a few meaning over ten.) One thing led to another and blah, blah, blah. I don't how Angel ever abandoned her; she's a remarkable woman. I still shudder thinking about it. For more flip to page fifty-four.

Drusilla.

How do I describe her? We met in Boston of all places. When I first laid eyes on her that night on the dock it seemed as if she appeared out thin air. She smiled that wicked smile of hers and said she sensed me for longest time, just followed my trail across the nation until she finally caught up. She cooed and fussed over me, wrapped her arms around my shoulders, kissed me for what felt like forever. She called me tiger instead of kitten. Wait, I don't think you know she ever called me kitten. Oh well, doesn't matter now. But I guess being turned made me seem more grown up to her. I ran with her for months and it was one of the greatest times of my life. We went everywhere. She said she'd always wanted to show me the world and she was more than pleased that she now could. We went to Europe, Asia, the Pacific Island, and Africa. We didn't get a chance to go to Australia. Maybe you and I will have to do that sometime. It's such a bog world out there Buffy, I want to show it to you. Let me show it to you. You'll notice that she takes up quite a significant amount of paper in the book. I can explain that. Whenever Dru wanted it...she got it. Page sixty-six and on. And on, and on, and on.

I know you're going to want to kill me when you read about Dawn. But don't worry Buffy, it was on her eighteenth birthday. She was legal, though I suppose in your eyes she would always be off limits to me. What could I do Buffy? She'd always had a crush on me despite that little Spike thing all those years back. She approached after the cake and the presents. She was so shy about it. I knew what she was going to ask before she did. You don't take some by the hand and pull them into another room and kiss them before you could speak. She wanted me to be her first Buffy. It was her decision, not mine. It was her choice, she wanted too. So you can't get too mad about that. Hey, at least I was human then. (Not justifying anything I know.)

I bet you're wondering why I sent this book to you. I am just stating now that it is not for bragging reasons. I am not sending you this to rub all my little conquests in your face, or to show that being a vamp is better than being a human ever was. I am giving you my little red book because I want to tell you something.

I've read this book from A-Z and I still think what I've known all along. There isn't a single girl in my little red book that could ever replace your charm.

Every girl I was with, every encounter, every touch. It was you I was thinking of.

With Drusilla, all I did was talk and talk about you. I laughed and I cried when I thought about you. What you were doing, how life was treating you. If you were miserable without me. I was miserable without you Buffy. I know you think vampires can't love. You always said that Angel's soul was what made him able to love, but I never bought that. You said Spike was just delusional with his feelings toward you, but I think it was you who were delusional. I may not have a soul anymore, my heart black as it may be, still speaks your name.

I am coming for you Buffy.

I want you to be mine.

I want to make you mine.

I want to show you the world.

We could sit in some cafe in Paris, smoking strong cigarettes and dining on the locals. We could lounge in a teahouse in Beijing. We could stand at the gates of Buckingham palace and screw with those guards who aren't allowed to move. I can see you smiling at the thought of that Buffy. I know you miss me. I was all you had then and I want to be all you have again. It could be wonderful, you and I. We could have the whole world as our playground.

Read the book. Read all that I've seen and done and know it all meant nothing without you by my side.

That they all meant nothing.

Even in death...

There's just no getting over you.

I'll be around to see you soon.

-Alexander