Yu-Gi-Oh! for Dummies!
Ever had the desire to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! and just couldn't find the time? Or a television? Well my friends, your prayers have been answered! Abbreviated versions of the episodes you know and love at the touch of a button, or a click of a mouse, or ... whatever.
The Blood Curdling Blue-Eyes White Dragon... or... The Heart of the Cards... or... somethingIn some Egyptian tomb somewhere a voice begins to speak that sounds suspiciously like Yami Yugi.
"We played games back in Egypt. I think. I don't really remember living in Egypt. But surely they played games. Everyone plays games!
"See all these pretty gold things. They're magic. I live in that upside-down pyramid, but we'll get to that later.
"And yeah, this is Yugi. I live with him. 'Cept he doesn't know that yet. It's a long story, but this is a long series, so you'll figure it out eventually.
"Roll the intro boys!"
And the into rolls
The next scene we find ourselves at a place called Domino High School, except that we don't really know that it's called Domino High School just yet. But who cares?
A small boy with the pointiest hair in the world excitedly says, "Your turn Joey!"
The boy named Joey just looks confusedly at his cards.
Another boy with the dumbest hair in the world runs up, hugs Joey and asks, "Whatcha doin Joey?"
The audience however, is left to wonder why the boy named Joey has a New York accent, if the show is clearly Japanese in origin, and psuedo-predictably takes place somewhere in Japan.
"Nothin'," Joey answeres, "Just learning how to play this game that an entire show revolves around. It's called Duel Monsters. I figure, since we don't really go to school anyway, I might as well play cards while I'm here. No since trying to learn anything I'm just going to forget in a week,"
The only girl standing amidst the group, who viewers are immediately led to believe is yet another important character, says, "And strange as it is...I know all the rules to this game. Even though I never play. Let me tell them to you!"
"And believe it or not, I know more than you, but I'm not allowed to talk in this episode. In fact, most people don't even know I'm standing here," a boy with long white hair says. And he's right. Most people don't know he's standing there.
His first name is Ryou, but American viewers will NEVER get to learn that.
Joey finally plays his card.
Yugi finally kicks his ass.
"Joey, you suck," the only girl in the group says encouragingly.
Everyone but Yugi agrees.
"No he doesn't," Yugi says. "I just have better cards because my grandpa owns a game shop. I live there. Isn't that weird?"
"We've been friends for how long, and I'm only learning this now? Dude, you gotta hook a brother up! I want cards that don't suck."
"Sure!" Yugi agrees, "We'll go after school. Maybe my grandpa will show his special SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD to us."
A solitary boy who has been both slyly eavesdropping and reading a book begins thinking to himself, "He couldn't mean that SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD could he? No. That's impossible. This is the first episode, why would they start out with the main character already having a SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD? That just wouldn't be fair."
Viewers are lead to believe that the solitary boy is another important character in the story. Otherwise, why would we have been told what he was thinking?After school at the Kame Game Shop where Yugi lives.
"Gramps! I'm home!" hollers Yugi as he busts through the door. The boy from New York, the only girl, and the boy with the dumb hair are all right behind him.
Ryou fans wonder where he is, and why he wasn't invited along.
"Yugi! You have friends! I never knew!" Yugi's grandfather says happily, and for my own personal enjoyment, I shall be referring to him as Gramps throughout this entire parody, so I hope no one minds.
"Yeah! I have friends silly. They wanna see your SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD! Will you show them?"
"Why the hell not!? I never show anyone because it's priceless, but who's counting? One SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD coming up!" and Gramps takes out a Duel Monster's card from dusty box that had conveniently been behind the counter the entire time, "Meet Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Totally kick ass card that is so rare, there are only four in the world. Not that the fact that there are only four in the world will be of any importance later on in this episode."
Everyone just stares at the glory of a playing card for a bit.
"Wow, that SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD is rockin' cool! I'll take two!" Joey says.
"Not selling, dip weed," Gramps replies, sticking out his tongue and blowing a raspberry.
"Uh... I didn't mean that one. I meant something else."
Gramps just gives him the death glare.
"Seriously! I want some other cards! My deck sucks so bad, anything will pretty much be an improvement."
Everyone else agrees.
Suddenly, the front door opens and in walks the solitary boy who had been reading a book and eavesdropping a scene earlier.
The boy with bad hair asks, "Why is the son of Kaiba Corp's CEO here?" to both establish that the boy's last name is Kaiba, and that he is fifthly rich.
Fan girls rejoice that there is an attractive character on the screen.
Yugi rejoices because he thinks Kaiba is here to play with him.
No one stops to wonder how on earth Kaiba knew where the game shop was, or why the boy with bad hair said something dumb, because Kaiba is not the son of the CEO of Kaiba Corp. He is the CEO of Kaiba Corp.
"Show me your rare cards old man," Kaiba demands.
"You play Duel Monsters too! Yeah! A new friend! We can play together Kaiba! It will be fun!" Joey says, and viewers will remember this as the only time Joey every says anything nice to Kaiba.
"I totally wasn't talking to you." Kaiba shrugs, "I don't like to associate myself with losers, unless they have something I want. But in case you are curious... I'm the reigning Duel Monsters champion. I'd pretty much wipe the floor with you. Not that it's important for anyone to know at all. Unless that point comes up later in this episode, or season, or series for that matter. Then you might need to know that."
"What about me?" Yugi wonders. "Wanna duel me?"
"But, the show's named after me. Aren't you at least curious as to how good I am?"
"No. Not really."
The Blue-Eyes White Dragon card hears Kaiba's voice, and from the counter shouts excitedly, "Daddy!"
Kaiba runs to the counter and stares with googly eyes, "Give me that card!"
Gramps however, will have none of this.
"No. It holds a special place in my heart," Gramps says with a shake of his head, and snatches away the Blue-Eyes card.
"Like I give a crap?" Kaiba says grouchily, "I'm rich and powerful and always get my way! Give me the damn card!"
"You're a strange young man. I don't like you."
"How much money do you want? I'm a billionaire, I promise I can make it worth you while."
Audience immediately wonders why Gramps doesn't take him up on this.
"No money? How about these hundreds of SUPER ULTRA MEGA RARE cards that I carry around in my briefcase for some strange reason," Kaiba says, and flops his briefcase onto the counter so that everyone can get a good view of his rockin cool card collection.
"No money? No cards? How about I burn your house down? Kill your dog? Duel you for it?"
"No thanks. My friend gave this to me, and it has a heart of it's own."
Kaiba does a combo attack growl and glare before storming off and mumbling, "I know it does, that card loves me. You're a mean old man for breaking my heart and keeping us apart. You suck."
The Blue-Eyes White Dragon in Gramps hand is heart broken too and cries, "Daddy?" while watching Kaiba walk away.
"Man, is he ever cool?" Yugi sighs.
"Uh... not really," Joey disagrees.
Kaiba fan girls throw hard objects at Joey's head.In Kaiba's fancy limo of evil plottingness we come across Seto Kaiba having a conversation with himself.
"I promise my pretty, pretty dragon love, I will save you from the grasp of that mean old man with spiky hair," he says with a growl, and the screen flashes a glimpse of Kaiba's tall ass office building as an obvious attempt at foreshadowing.Next day at the Kame Game Shop while Yugi and Friends are at school we find Gramps alone, sweeping the shop, because he is always sweeping the shop, or polishing God Cards, because apparently Gramps is a neat freak.
"Well, come on in Suspicious Characters, how can I help you?" he greets three laid off Men in Black who have now come to work for Kaiba Corp because of their good dental plan.
A short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood informs Gramps that he has formally been invited to spend the day at Kaiba Land!
But viewers don't know that Kaiba Land exists.
The short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood realizes his mistake and says, "Fine. Come with us or die."
Viewers are surprised and Gramps questions his authority with a deeply insightful questions of, "Seriously?"
The short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood says, "That's pretty much the way of it, yeah."
But Gramps would really rather not.
"And I would really rather not be fired and lose my dental plan, so move it! And don't forget to bring your SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD."
Gramps finally agrees and realises that it's time to teach lil' Kaiba about the Heart of the Cards!
The short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood wonders what the heck Gramps is talking about. And so do viewers.Random Sidewalk of Domino City
Yugi says, "That SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD is the coolest ever."
Views wonder what on earth that three seconds of footage was really even needed for.After school at the Kame Game Shop, Minus Gramps, but plus Yugi, Joey, the only girl and bad-hair boy.
"Gramps I'm home!" Yugi announces and we realize that he must to this often, because he totally announced his arrival the day before as well.
But Gramps doesn't answer.
"That's weird," the only girl observes.
"Yeah. He's gone, and the door's unlocked." Joey adds.
Frequent viewers recognize that Joey's observation is uncommonly astute for his character.
The boy with bad hair thinks maybe Gramps is in the bathroom.
Yugi however, shows his paranoid side and insists that something's wrong.
The phone on the wall rings on queue.
The sound techs backstage get a bonus.
Yugi answers, "Hello?" and the screen splits to show none other than Seto Kaiba on the other end.
"Hi Yugi, wanna come over and play?"
"What did you do with my grandpa?"
"Dude, I asked you to come over. Paranoid much?" Kaiba laughs.
"Fine, whatever. Come get him. He's in my office."
Yugi looks to everyone else and shakes his head, "Kaiba isn't so cool anymore."
But Kaiba is still on the phone. "Dude, you could at least hang up the phone before you talk crap."
"Oh, sorry Kaiba," Yugi says and quickly hangs up the phone. "Yeah... Not cool."
A short while later at the menacing Kaiba Corp Tower of gargantitude we find Gramps laying helpless on the floor as Yugi and Friends run in, panting and worried.
"Yugi! I tried to teach him about the heart of the cards, but I lost." Gramps croaks.
Yugi kneels down beside him, "Heart of the Cards? What are you talking about?"
"THE HEART OF THE CARDS!"
Yugi stares blankly.
Gramps glares menacingly.
Yugi still stares blankly.
"You know... when you believe in your deck? And yourself?"
Yugi, who is still staring blankly shrugs out an, "Uh... I guess."
"HEART OF THE CARDS!!!"
Yugi continues to stare blankly.
"You're late Yugi," another voice intrudes, and we are shown Seto Kaiba haloed in light, and he's talking in his "sexy voice."
"But you never told me when I had to be here. . ." Yugi shrugs, oblivious to the "sexy voice"
"Shut up," sexy-voiced Kaiba snaps, "I kicked your old man's butt at Duel Monsters, and took my precious Blue-Eyes White Dragon from him. Here, watch me tear it into tiny bits and pieces!"
"Ouch daddy!" the Blue-Eyes screams, as it is indeed torn into bits and pieces. Or... at least in half.
"WTF?!" everyone in the audience screams at him.
"What?" Kaiba wonders.
"But... you... I... we thought you wanted that card!"
"Yeah, I did," he explains to the audience, "But I already have three. Don't need the fourth if I can't use it. I only wanted to win it so no one else can use it against me."
"You can't use it?"
"Duh... I told you already."
"No you didn't," the audience argues, because we are all still confused as to why he ripped the card.
"Oh yeah, I forgot . . . the silly Americans edited that part out! Guess you'll have to figure it out on your own then," he shrugs, and the audience learns that Yugi might be right, and he's not as cool as everyone thought he was.
Yugi and Friends wonder who Kaiba was talking to.
"MY DRAGON!" Gramps continues to croak on the floor. "Yugi here, take these cards. I put my soul in them."
"Oh silly, everyone knows you can't put a soul into cards!" Yugi laughs.
Somewhere far away, Pegasus shrugs, "Not in this episode, no," and frequent viewers slap their palms to their foreheads.
Gramps still croaking on the floor, shoves the deck of cards in Yugi's hands, "JUST TAKE THE CARDS AND KICK KAIBA'S ASS!" and then collapses while mumbling "The Heart of the Cards! The Heart of the Cards! Kick his ass for me Yugi!"
Yugi, whose blank stare has continued to remain plastered on his face, shakes his head, "Dude, Gramps musta hit his head. Maybe we should take him to the hospital."
Yugi's friends agree.
But Kaiba apparently will have none of this and says, "So your old man wants you to take vengeance for him? Sounds like fun! Let's duel Yugi!"
And you mustn't forget that he's talking in his sexy voice here.
"Sure. But... uh...Kaiba? Where are your pupils?" Yugi wonders.
Viewers take note that maybe the lack of pupils and sexy voice are some how related.
". . . .??? . . . . . Just shut up and follow me," Kaiba shrugs, and walks off.
"Wait! Don't steal him away just yet, I need to draw on his hand!" the only girl yells, "And everyone else's too. Joey! Tristan! Hands! Now!"
Viewers have now learned that the bad-hair boy has a name, and that it's Tristan.
"Teá? Where did you get that marker? And what the crap did you just draw on us?" Joey wonders.
The only girl smiles and says, "A friendship symbol."
"A happy face?"
"No! A FRIENDSHIP SYMBOL! FRIENDSHIP! FRIENDSHIP! FRIENDSHIP!"A short while later in the Kaiba Corp Duelling Arena of Gargantitude
A sexy-voiced, pupiless Kaiba laughs, "See what I made? I'm a super-genius!"
Yugi nods and says, "Ok, so maybe you are still cool."
The audience nods and totally agrees.
"Why yes. I am cool. Now duel me. Whomever loses all their life points first... Loses."
"Is that how it works?" Yugi wonders.
Frequent viewers plant their foreheads in their palms once again.
"Virtual system ready!" Kaiba says loudly, and things around the Kaiba Corp Duelling Arena of Gargantitude turn on magically.
"It's even voice activated! Wow! You're way cool Kaiba."
"I know," he shrugs, "And since it's brains before beauty, and I have them both, I'm going first no matter what."
"Sounds good to me," Yugi shrugs and then touches a golden magic object around his neck that no one has mentioned at all yet. "AH!!!! Magical wind of doom! It tickles!"
And a mystical voice in Yugi's head says, "I wanna play too!"
Yugi happily agrees, because there is obviously nothing weird about a voice in your head asking to take over your body.
"Thanks," the mystical voice says nicely, and Yugi is suddenly several inches taller, has completely different eyes, more blonde in his hair than usual, and a deeper voice.
"WTF? Did you just get hotter?" Kaiba wondered, taking a step backwards.
"Why yes, I did. Thank you for noticing." Not-Yugi says in his much deeper voice. "And thank you for going first so that I can kill the crap out of your monster you just played.
"Your voice is different."
"No it isn't," Not-Yugi shrugs.
"Yes. It totally is."
"Whatever. Just duel me."
"With pleasure," Kaiba nods, deciding he doesn't particularly care why Yugi, or Not-Yugi's voice is totally different.
Kaiba's monsters totally dies.
Kaiba's life points slightly drop.
Kaiba himself doesn't seem to care.
Joey runs in, because everyone else took Gramps to the hospital, and exclaims, "Wow! Monsters? Kick ass!"
Viewers are curious as to why Joey is surprised that there are monsters, if the name if the game is, in fact, Duel Monsters. But then again... this is Joey we're talking about.
"Big brother!!!" a young boy runs in, looking up at Kaiba.
The audience squeals at his cuteness.
"Kaiba, your new monster sucks," Not-Yugi says smugly. Not that his Winged Dragon, Guardian of the Fortress #1 is any good at all.
"Well, that's what magic cards or for, kids."
Kaiba plays said magic card and his new monster clobbers the crap out of a whole line of Not-Yugi's monsters.
Not-Yugi, draws a card with a picture of a leg on it... "WTF? A leg?"
"It's almost sad how much better I am than you."
"Well, you do realize that this is my show right?"
"But I'm hotter."
The audience is a bit confused because they're both right...
"And smarter," Kaiba smiles, and the audience is beginning to wonder if Not-Yugi's got any chance of winning at all.
"Dude, this is kinda crappy," Not-Yugi sighs, "My show is going to suck if I lose my first duel. Maybe I should... uh... Have faith in my grandfather's deck, even though he's not really my grandfather because I'm not really Yugi. But the audience doesn't know that... so I'll just pretend." So he draws another card from his deck... "DAMN IT! An arm! What is this shit!?"
Kaiba, with his still sexy-voice and lack of pupils taunts, "Losing faith Yugi? You do know I'm totally winning right now, right?"
"Kaiba? Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes? Or that you're an arrogant asshole?"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact they have. Oh yeah, and by the way, I'd like you to meet my Blue-Eyes White Dragon!
Blue-Eyes White Dragon says, "RRRRAAAAHHHHRR!!!!!"
Not-Yugi, Joey, and the audience are confused.
Mokuba and Kaiba however, are not.
"I so totally saw you rip that card up not two minutes ago!" Not-Yugi insists.
"You're right. I did. But Didn't you hear my conversation with the audience earlier on how I have three of them?"
The audience is confused because he... never said... oh wait... yeah he did. Just kidding.
"You have three?!" Not-Yugi gasps, "Oh shit."
"Yeah. That sucks for you, doesn't it."
And Kaiba's second Blue-Eyes White Dragon says, "DOUBLE RRRAAAHHHAHRRR!
Not-Yugi says, "Double shit."
The audience is a bit more worried for Not-Yugi now. But somehow, Not-Yugi manages to draw a card that saves him, and he plays Swords of Revealing Light! He's safe for three turns my some miracle. Or good script writing. Or something.
"I'm still going to kick your ass. This turn, or six turns from now, it doesn't really matter to me," Kaiba says smugly and summons Judge Man and attacks Not-Yugi's monster.
"Oh yes, I forgot! My Dark Magician, he'll kick the snot out of that Judge Man. Even though he'll die in a few turns once those dragons can attack again. But what the hell? It's not a real duel unless I summon the Dark Magician at least once."
The Doublemint Twin Blue-Eyes still say, "RRRRRAAHHHHAHHHAR!"
The now-summoned Dark Magician looks back at Not-Yugi and laughs, "So, you're kidding right?"
But Not-Yugi just raises and eyebrow and yells, "Hey! You! Dark Magic attack! And make it snappy!"
So the Dark Magician clobbers the snot out of Judge Man, but Kaiba only laughs and summons his third Blue-Eyes White Dragon.
Again, Dark Magician looks to Not-Yugi, "Yeah, thanks for sending me on a suicide mission. Jerk."
After the destruction of his hottest Duel Monster, Not-Yugi is displeased, "Damn it! Now all I have in my hand are these crappy body parts that suspiciously look like they all belong to the same body. These totally couldn't help me now."
And from nowhere, a ghosty Gramps appears and says "Sometimes things are like a puzzle," like a rip off of a bad horror movie.
"Hey? You're dead Gramps?!" Not-Yugi says confusedly, and the audience is totally with him, because we're confused too.
"No idiot," Ghosty Gramps snaps, "I'm trying to give you a clue."
Suddenly, we are shown a memory snippet, with Gramps saying something to the like of, "No one has ever been able to summon Exodia." And we hope Not-Yugi at least knows what he's talking about... because we sure don't.
"Well I'm screwed then," Not-Yugi decides.
"Well screw you too buddy!" the tiny voice of Not-Yugi's deck of cards snaps, "I was going to help you out, but now... I'm leaving!
For some reason, at this point in time, talking cards doesn't really seem that strange, and Not-Yugi is deciding to go with it, "No! Wait! I still need my card! I haven't drawn for this turn yet!"
"Then, say you believe in me."
"I don't know about that... you're asking a awful lot."
"I believe in you!" Yugi's voice comes from nowhere.
"HEY! You're not playing! I am." Not-Yugi snaps.
"Say it!" the deck of cards insists, taunting Not-Yugi by moving further away.
To get them to at least stop moving, Not-Yugi sighs, "Fine. Whatever. I believe in you."
"Thank you. Here is the card you need," the deck says, and let's Not-Yugi draw his card.
"You know in all, it's not been a bad day for me" Kaiba sighs, "I get to win two duels in the span of about an hour, I got the last of the Blue-Eyes White Dragons, and I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco."
"You're a real jerk, you know? And you should have listened when I warned you that this is my show, because you do know I'm going to win, right."
"You're just as delusional as your old man."
"Yeah? Well how about you meet Exodia, the Forbidden One, the one monster no one has ever been able to summon before until this very moment. The one monster who will only be played this one time before someone throws them in the water on my way to the island of a child molester. The one monster whose pentagram they emerge from will be edited to make some random, pointless symbol on American television because... stars are apparently a representation of paganistic rituals and evil. But despite all that, they will put pictures of Exodia all over Yu-Gi-Oh! merchandise for years to come!!"
"WTF!? Are you serious? I can't lose!" Kaiba snaps, as the overly dramatic Exodia-Summoning ritual commences.
"Wanna bet? Eat this Kaiba! Exodia! Hell Fire's Rage!" Not-Yugi yells.
But he can't say Hell Fire's Rage on a kids' show... So maybe...
Yeah. That'll work.
"Damn it!" Kaiba pouts as his life points go down the tube.
"Kick ass!" Joey jumps for joy.
Mokuba is left to stand, wondering why he had only two lines in this episode.
Ryou is left to wonder why he was totally forgotten.
Not-Yugi just looks at Kaiba and says, "Since you're too cool to be a bad guy, I'll turn you into a good guy with my magical abilities. Evil Kaiba be gone!"
"AHHH!" Kaiba yells in his not-sexy voice.
But Kaiba's pupils return.
And Kaiba's face is much more attractive all the sudden.
"I hate you," he says.
"Oh silly, you say that now, but you'll thank me later. This means you'll get to be on my show all the time now. You are a main character now, whether you like it or not."
"Yeah. I really hate you."Meanwhile in a dark room somewhere...
"Master, Seto Kaiba actually lost a duel!" a man named after a lawn game involving mallets, wooden balls and small wire arches informs a man sitting at a table who is named after a flying horse of fantasy.
"Hhhmm... so those video cameras I installed all over his house/office/car/school are good for other things than watching him shower. Good to know. I think I'll have a another drink!" the man named after a flying horse says happily.
The Millennium Eyes gives an evil twinkle.
And the ending credits roll.
Thank you to all who reviewed thus far! I love you all! And hopefully this new version is as funny as the last version. (Since my last one wasn't officially allowed.)
Anyway, let me know if you want more.