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Episodes 60-62
Despite my evil DVD calling them 160-162, but we've already established how much this annoys the authoress…. So I'm not even going to let myself get started.

Here on planet Earth we call these episodes The Master of Magicians parts 1, 2, and 3. Or sometimes we call them Master of the Black Magician, Pandora; Black Magic of Soul; and Disciple of Black Magic, Black Magician Girl.

Actually… call them what you want. We don't care.

Today's episode begins with... a… friendly… jumping of a skinny guy in a back alley by a bigger blonde guy who looks a good deal like Raphael. Or maybe Vegeta from Dragonball Z. Though I'm a bit surprised that I even know Vegeta's name since I've never even seen Dragonball Z. But anyway…

"You can't take my cards! It's against tournament rules," the smaller guy on the ground is whining. We don't really know why he's whining, because obviously there's nothing he can do about it… and the big guy is gonna do what he wants anyway. "You only get one of my rarest cards!"

"Tough crap. I'm making up my own rules. Give me TWO of your rarest cards!"

Two… ? Seriously? You beat the guy up and only ask for two? Way to live on the edge there tough guy.

Suddenly! A whistle blows!

"Duelling foul! That's a fifteen yard penalty. Repeat second down!" Mokuba yells… or at least the part about the duelling foul.

"Beat it cupcake," Tough Guy sneers.

"Cupcake?" Mokuba snarls, "Bitch, my left shoelace costs more than your education, so you can shut the hell up and do what I tell you. Got me?"

"How about no, shrimp?"

"How about I kick you in the face? Burn your house down? Duel you?" a deep, dark, sexy voice comes from nowhere. And even though we can't see him yet, we know well enough by now that it's Seto, and he's about to lay the smack down on Raphael/Vegeta. And if Tough Guy knew what was best for him, he would run the other way. But since he's stupid enough to only ask for two rare cards after beating someone up, when he could have just taken his whole deck, it's a sure bet that Tough Guy is an idiot.

But Tough Guy turns around anyway, curious about the sexy voice. "S…S…Seto Kaiba?!"

"Tchya. Who else would I be?" he shrugs, "Now, I don't like when people talk crap to my brother, which I totally just heard you do. And you broke rules, which is a no no, so I think I'll embarrass the ever-loving snot out of you right here and now by letting you select any of my SUPER ULTRA MEGA RARE cards that I carry around in my briefcase for some strange reason, and add them to your lame-ass deck, and then duel you."

"Kick ass! I'll totally win for sure. You sure you want to give me these cards? I mean… with my skill, I'll wipe the floor with you!"

"Considering you don't even have a name in this show… I'm highly doubting it."

"Whatever. It's time to duel."

"Fine by me. Obelisk the Tormentor! KEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Audience… is… confused as to how Kaiba summoned Obelisk on his first turn without sacrificing any monsters, but no one liked Tough Guy and so no one really cares. The sooner he was gone, the better, and we're glad to see him cowering in a corner in fear of Obelisk, or Kaiba, or quite possibly both. It's hard to say.

"Come on Mokuba, let's go find Yugi," Seto says, and walks off.

Meanwhile, in a dark room of evil plottingness…

"So, my loyal hooded man servant, Obelisk has been played?" Marik asks.

"Yes master. And guess who has it? Seto Kaiba," says Odeon.

"Oh, of course he does. I mean why wouldn't he? He's only a reincarnated High Priest who is the rightful owner of the Millennium Rod I'm carrying in my hands right now. Makes sense he'd have a God Card, since he's one of the only people who can use it," he sighs with obvious disdain, and under his breath you can hear him grumbling, "Damn you Ishizu." But he only likes to say it because it rhymes.

"So… you want me to send someone out to duel Kaiba for his Obelisk?" asks Rare Hunter #11.

"Nah, let him play. How about you guys send out Arkana and let him duel Yugi."

"But…"

"NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At the hospital of the world's most expensive operations…

"See ya later hot stuff," says Tristan while putting on his motorcycle helmet to prove his coolness to Serenity, resting on the theory that chicks dig guys with motorcycles. And it might have actually worked too… if Serenity wasn't, ya know… blind and all. "I'm going to go watch Joey and Yugi duel."

"Man I wish I could go…"

"How about I take you, when you get your bandages off?"

"Promise?"

"Am I going to get any, after words?"

"Probably not."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to play it by ear then. See ya."

Meanwhile, somewhere in downtown Domino/Battle City…

"Nice job wiping the floor with Espa last episode, Joey," Téa says. "With a name that dumb… he just had to lose."

"Yeah, and I'm just that good!" Joey exclaims.

"I guess you don't suck too bad anymore," Gramps agrees, and then he and Téa take off, leaving Joey alone for some reason we still aren't sure of. They insist they are on their way to find Yugi.

Speaking of Yugi…

"Don't you think it's going to be hard for Joey to win without his Red-Eyes now?" Yugi says to Not-Yugi, because talking to the voices in your head is all the rage in Domino these days.

"He's a main character, he'll be fine without it. I'm sure it will come in handy later on though, when we have to use it against him."

"….uh…?? Well I guess you're right. I mean, he did just beat Espa Roba without it." Yugi agrees. "And this card will help save the world from evil!" he adds.

The authoress giggles slightly, because he TOTALLY says that like it's not a big deal. I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but saving the world from evil seems like a bit more of a challenge than remembering to brush your teeth in the morning. But I guess to Yugi it's not.

"And speaking of evil…. Skinny, badly-dressed clown at eleven o'clock! Let's follow him!" insists Not-Yugi. And Yugi goes along with it, because apparently, clowns that don't move their mouths when they talk to you are not the least but unsettling to him, and following after him alone, into a freaky carnival tent seems like an alright thing to do!

So… they go.

"Come into this dark closet with me… my master is waiting for you," Freaky Clown says, beckoning Not-Yugi with a creepy laugh and curling fingers.

This… my friends, seems a bit too kinky for a kids show, but if Not-Yugi is ok with it, then so are we!

Téa and Gramps happen to be right behind Not-Yugi and yell for him to stop but Not-Yugi is far too curious about the dark closet he's been beckoned into and ignores them. And then, the dark closet totally goes all magical, bursts into purple smoke, falls apart and swallows Not-Yugi whole! Or makes him disappear at least.

"YUGI!!!!!!!!" Téa yells.

Somewhere else in Domino/Battle City not two seconds later…

"Seto! My spider senses are tingling again!" Mokuba shouts. "Yugi totally just disappeared!"

"Disappeared?! WTF?! I mean… not that I care or anything, because I totally don't, but Mokuba, check the Duel Disk tracking system stat! We've gotta find him! Not that I care, or anything. I really… just need to know where he is. God cards and stuff… "

For the 239173 scene change in the last 3 minutes, we find that Not-Yugi has been transported by tractor beam to C-deck of the star ship Enterprise. Or… at least to some undisclosed location by a magical box with knife slots. Either one is still a bit unsettling, if you ask me.

"Now hacking into Battle City data base," says the computer on the desk. Seriously. So apparently discretion isn't something they were going for. "Duellist profile for Yugi Motou. Skill level: kick ass. Rarest card: Sexy Monster."

Suddenly! Sexy Monster goes through a costume change, and appears as a hologram before Not-Yugi and says, "You are not worthy of having me in your deck."

Not-Yugi laughs and says, "Nice trick, but clearly you are not Sexy Monster, because his voice wasn't as stupid as yours when he was actually alive."

And then a cackle comes from the shadows, "Hi Yugi Motou! I have a Sexy Monster too, but yours is hotter than mine and I must have him. Duel me! Now!"

"And… you are?"

"Pandora. But my American friends call me Arkana."

"Why?"

"I'm not really sure. Maybe because Pandora refers to a Greek woman who had an infatuation with opening boxes and… they refuse to call me anything that could have a religious connotation. Even though that would have a mythic connotation rather than religious. Or maybe, because Pandora is a woman's name, and that could possibly insinuate that I am, in fact, a woman. I guess they would rather call me Arkana, which looks like Arkansas without the S's."

"Uh… whatever," Not-Yugi shakes his head. "So, we're duelling?"

"That is the general idea, yes," says Arkana. And it must be noted that he is wearing a hideous mask to cover the top half of his face, and the most… um… interesting pants I dare say I have ever seen. Or at least I hope that's his pants, because otherwise Arkana has some very strange and funky hips.

"And I must say," Arkana continues, "That your Sexy Monster doesn't like you as much as my Sexy Monster does; being a magician myself, we find that we have a lot in common. You're not a magician… so you're not as cool as me. And I'm sure it hurts to know that there is another duellist that uses your favourite card, but you're just going to have to get used to it! Pplthhhh!"

"Dude, whatever. I'd kick your ass even if you had a God Card, even though I technically don't know about those yet. My Sexy Monsters ALWAYS comes through for me, so save you're breath and let's duel."

"So it's true that the great Yugi Motou never backs down from a challenge."

"It wouldn't be much of a show if I did, now would it? What kind of message would that send to the kids at home? And why do you keep changing the subject? I want to freakin duel. And, speaking about this duel… it must be noted that you lured me here by the cunning technique of "get Yugi to follow a freaky clown," so surely you've got something planned for me. I mean… I've been around long enough to know when I'm walking into a trap. So, where is it?"

"Just down the stairwell. Come on! Marik set it all up for us."

"You're working for Marik?!"

"Yes. He's got a good dental plan."

"Oh… we'll in that case, let's get on with it!"

"Isn't Marik awesome? He had this specially built for just this duel. He even painted a question mark on the door. And it's in such an undisclosed location, even Kaiba won't be able to find us."

"Kaiba's a super genius. I bet he could find us if he tried."

"Blah blah, let's duel."

"You know… you said that you're a magician, so it might be a smart move on my part to not trust you considering you probably know a bunch of card tricks and what not. So no cheating!"

"I would never cheat! Besides, it's only cheating if you get caught!" Arkana insists, and then out of nowhere, huge metal ankle cuffs come out of the side of the custom built duelling arena and lock both Not-Yugi and Arkana in. "Oh yea, I should have told you earlier. This will be a SHADOW GAME!!!!!!"

"You have a Millennium Item too?!"

"No."

"Then it's not a Shadow Game. You can't open a portal to the Shadow Realm without a Millennium Item."

"Then what are those?" Arkana chuckles and glowing blue-green spinning disks of doom pop out of the walls.

"Air-brushed and edited giant spinning saw blades?"

"No! Dark Energy Disks!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"Dude, just because I was locked up in the Millennium Puzzle for a gazillion years, doesn't mean I don't know what a giant spinning saw blade looks like."

"No. See, the closer our life points get to zero, the closer the Dark Energy Disk will get to us. Once you hit zero, the disk will touch you and your mind will be sent to the Shadow Realm."

"You mean, my legs will be sawed off because I'm locked in, and that blade is at the perfect height on the wall to take me out at the knees?"

"No! To the Shadow Realm."

"I do believe that I am experiencing an extreme sensation of Déjà vu," Not-Yugi might have been thinking to himself, considering that he and Seto had a very similar conversation with Lumis and Umbra about this very subject… but technically that hasn't happened yet, because this is ten episodes prior to the double duel on top of the fake portal to the Shadow Realm, so really he couldn't have been thinking that. The readers of this parody might though, because I know that I sure am. Instead though, Not-Yugi just sighs and calls him a demented mad-man! Go Not-Yugi! We TOTALLY agree. Only a mad man would dress and talk like he does, and we're glad that you see it too.

Oh wait, you're referring to the Dark Energy Disks that will send you to the Shadow Realm by… cutting off your legs?

Where does one go to purchase Dark Energy Disks anyway? I've been meaning to get some, and can't find them anywhere! I wonder if Marik has got a catalogue he'd let me borrow. The spinning saw blades I have at home just aren't doing the trick…

"Draw your cards, freak show!" Not-Yugi yells.

Arkana does, and then precedes to have a conversation with himself on how… Yugi would never suspect that he rigged his deck so he could draw the Dark Magician on his first draw. But uh… Not-Yugi totally knows that he's a bad guy, and knows that being a magician, he knows card tricks, and since he's wearing a mask, he cannot be trusted. Yeah Arkana… Not-Yugi's got no idea you cheated. You've got him totally fooled. He'll never see that Dark Magician coming.

"HA! I play Card Destruction! Discard your hand and draw a new one because I know yours is totally rigged!" Not-Yugi says smugly.

Yup. You had him totally fooled Arkana.

Totally fooled.

Idiot.

"Damn it! You weren't supposed to figure out I cheated!"

"Yeah, well I guess you can't help being an idiot if you were born that way. Discard you hand now… and while I'm at it, I think I will control your stupid jester monster and sacrifice him to bring out my own Dark Magician! Yeah, bitch! Take that! Fear the wrath of my Sexy Monster!!!!!!"

And Sexy Monster swipes a full 2500 life points from Arkana while Not-Yugi makes sure to point that fact out to him, mostly to rub in the fact that Arkana is an idiot to have even thought about challenging him. I mean, seriously… that was Not-Yugi's second turn. Considering that he went first, it was really the first turn that he was legally able to attack.

"Shit! Dark Energy Disks are getting closer! I don't want to go to the Shadow Realm."

"Dude, just because you spray paint something blue-green doesn't mean you can call it a Dark Energy Disk. Shadow Realm or not, it's still going to chop of both your legs."

"We shall see little Yugi! In the next episode!!!!!!!!!"

And the end credits roll.

BONUS, episode one is over… and… there are still two more to go.

Damn it. I hate Arkana….

"Hey, don't you like the opening credits for Battle City much more than the opening credits for Duellist Kingdom?" Not-Yugi wonders.

"The song is much cooler yes. And my master is a much more attractive baddie than Pegasus ever was," Arkana agrees.

"You're telling me. Pegasus obsessed over the Kaiba brothers a little too much, if you ask me. And not that they're not worth obsessing over, don't get me wrong. Anyone would have to admit that Seto is one fine piece of man. But still Pegasus is a creep no matter which way you look at it. I mean, he invites young boys to come play at his house. It's a little too Michael Jaskson-ish if you ask me. But I digress… we are duelling for our legs and Sexy Monsters here, so let's get back on track. If I remember correctly, I was wiping the floor with your sorry ass. If you were smart about it, you would just give up and get these uncomfortable shackles off our ankles while you still have yours."

"No. I want to see your blasted into mental oblivion."

"Nothing about that sentence makes any sense…."

"Shut up and duel, short stuff! Everyone knows that a magician saves his best moves for the finale."

"Which, in your current position, is right about now."

Good point Not-Yugi! But let's check up on the other characters now, shall we? How about Téa and Gramps who are wandering aimlessly about downtown Domino!? Great!

"I wonder what happened to Yugi?" Téa wonders.

"I bet he fell into a trap door," Gramps says. Though how one falls into a trap door is beyond me. I always kinda figured you fell down them.

"Yeah. We'll search this whole place over to find him," she says.

So… what are they doing outside then? If Yugi fell down a trap door… inside a building… wouldn't you think to at least check out the basement first?

Maybe that's just me though.

Ok… enough of the checking up on other characters. Or at least Gramps and Téa, who are searching the parks of Domino for Yugi, or Not-Yugi, or both technically.

"No one will ever find you here, Yugi," Arkana taunts. And as much as it pangs to admit it, at the rate Téa and Gramps are going, Arkana may be correct in that department. "And you're going to be all alone when you lose it all!" And then he comes to the brilliant conclusion that he must find a way to defend himself before Not-Yugi attacks again so he plays… Mystic Tomato in defence mode and a trap or magic card face down.

And I'm sorry, but Mystic Tomato is a stupid name for a monster. There is nothing scary or even remotely mystical about them. And… it looks more like an evil radish anyway.

"Come on Yugi! Attack me. You know you want to!"

So Not-Yugi does, and Arkana pulls one of his only smooth moves in the span of all three episodes he's in, and steals Not-Yugi's monster to use as a sacrifice to summon his own Dark Magician from the grave yard.

"Welcome back my Sexy Monster!!" Arkana coos, as evil Sexy Monster comes to the field to commence the Sexy Monster staring contest!

I am a bit curious as to why Arkana's red Dark Magician has kohl lines under his eyes, but Not-Yugi's purple one does not. I mean… isn't Not-Yugi's Dark Magician supposed to be Mahado? Mahado totally had kohl lines.

I don't understand that.

"OH! I'm totally going to win, because I am a true illusionist and apparently that means I am more qualified to use a Dark Magician card than you."

"So by that logic; the more likeness you have to your card… the better you can use it? Meaning… Seto is a dragon?"

"Yes!"

"Psycho," Not-Yugi rolls his eyes and plays some cards face down

And Arkana places two cards face down.

And Not-Yugi plays a card face down.

And Arkana plays a card face down.

Yugi plays another card face down.

Arkana plays another card face down.

OMG… THAT's what he meant by a "shadow game"! He's going to copy everything he does!

That'll make a great show.

NOT!

"Stop copying me!" Not-Yugi growls.

"Stop copying me!" Arkana echoes.

"I'm serious!"

"I'm serious!"

"Knock it off!"

"Knock it off!"

"Shut up and go already!" Not-Yugi yells.

"Ok fine. You're no fun. I play Mystical Guillotine! Try and edit this part out 4Kids!!!!!" he cackles as chains grab hold of purple Sexy Monster and drag him to said guillotine so Arkana can chop his head off. Good times.

"Whatever," Not-Yugi shrugs, obviously not worried. He did have four magic and/or trap cards on the field… most of them probably having to do with protecting his Dark Magician. "Magical Hats!" Not-Yugi yells.

See. What did I tell you.

"Now, you'll have to find my Sexy Monster before you try and cut his head off! Hahahaha," says Not-Yugi.

"Oh yeah! A Thousand Knives!" Arkana plays… which apparently is a card that can… find hidden cards and proceed to pummel them with a gazillion glowing knives of doom.

"Curse Breaker!!!!!!!" Not-Yugi counters, even though I am pretty damn sure that the card he plays is called De-Spell, considering that's what it's called in every other episode that it's used in. But I guess this is Not-Yugi's show and he could call it Giant Marmalade Peanut if he wanted, so long as it gets the job done.

"Fuck it all! Dark Magic attack!" Arkana yells impatiently.

And Not-Yugi decides to do the same, and tells his own Sexy Monster to attack.

Can you do that? Really? Because they both attacked each other at the same time. I mean… I've got nothing but love for Not-Yugi, don't get me wrong. But he totally attacked Arkana when it wasn't even his turn.

Both Sexy Monsters and blasted to bits, and then simultaneously brought back to life by Monster Reborn, which is sometimes called Reborn the Monster, but I can't complain about that one much because at least they say the same thing. Curse Breaker and De-Spell though… not so much.

Anyway. The audience is somehow confused as to whose turn this is, because Not-Yugi and Arkana are disturbingly in sync with one another, and are doing everything at the exact same time. It's borderline creepy actually.

"And we're… back to where we started," Arkana notes.

"Wow. You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. How about you unchain me, and you can duel me with honour."

"Duelling with honour is no fun."

"Eh, well… you're legs, not mine. But answer me this: why did you lead me down here and force me into a duel?"

"I don't know how much force was involved in getting you to duel. If you really didn't want to duel me, you could have said 'no' and walked away. You really are paranoid aren't you?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yes I did."

"No. I asked why you lead me down here."

"Marik told me I should."

"You work for Marik?!"

"Yes. I told you that already."

"Oh yeah. Good dental. I forgot."

"He also mentioned something about plastic surgery, which I totally need. See my face!" and then he removes his ugly mask, and Not-Yugi gasps at his true hideousness. But do we get to see?!

NO!

"So that's why you wear a mask! I thought it was for some symbolic reason, but it turns out, you're just really ugly from the nose up. Put that mask back on! You're creeping me out." Not-Yugi says. "And out of curiosity… what happened to you?"

"Glad you asked. I had this flashback sequence especially prepared for occasions just like this. It's even got a voice over of me explaining everything!"

"Sweet! Roll that beautiful bean footage!"

And flashback sequence commences, showing a maskless Arkana performing magic shows with some hot assistant chick named Katherine he was engaged to. Apparently, he was tied up in a coffin-like box… as people often are… being lifted by a crane into mid air when the damn thing bursts into flame.

Talk about a bad day.

How odd is it for a box to just spontaneously combust anyway? Let alone… when you're tied up inside it.

So he lost his job, most his face, and ended up losing his fiancé because he thought she wouldn't love him anymore, now being unemployed and deformed, so he pushed her away.

And then… he met Marik and his life was forever changed.

Apparently.

Though Arkana fails to mention why this is exactly, aside from the fact about the good dental plan.

Oh wait… Marik said he'd help Arkana get his fiancé back if he bet Yugi in a duel. Guess that's a good deal, if you want to leave out the bit about Marik helping Arkana get his fiancé back… with the aide of the MILLENNIUM ROD!

That's really swell.

Why don't you just try… apologizing to her Arkana. She'll probably be much more receptive to that than having her MIND CONTROLLED! But whatever.

"Dude, I don't know how well Marik is going to do at rebuilding relationships. He's been living under a rock his whole life. And he is the bad guy in this entire season, and trusting him to do anything for you is probably not a good idea."

"Not true. Marik is going to help me win back my sweetheart!" he says, "See! Look behind me!" and then a curtain behind Arkana lights up, and we are shown a silhouette of a young woman sitting in a chair. "Give me a minute darling, while I wipe the floor with Yugi, and then we can be together forever!"

So… she's been there the whole time? Hasn't said anything. And continues to remain silent, even after Arkana addressed her?

Something about that just doesn't seem right.

"You're a fool to trust in him. Instead you should be trusting in yourself. And in your cards." Not-Yugi says.

Fuck it all… that could have been a good line if he had left the whole card bit out.

"They're just cards Yugi."

"No! My heart is in my deck, and my deck is going to kick your deck's ass!"

"I beg to differ. I built my deck with the sole purpose to take your Dark Magician away from you!" Arkana laughs, and the proceeds to drool over the fact that… the "Dark Energy Disks" are going to steel something even more precious away from Not-Yugi.

Though… Not-Yugi does have some nice legs, so I guess he's sorta got a point with that.

And then… Arkana giggles like a mad man.

Quick! Commercial break! That's scary!

Somewhere Downtown!

Run Gramps!

Run Téa!

"Yugi!"

"Yugi!"

An alley.

A street.

A park.

Where in the hell are they going? And why are they running?

Oh yeah, they're looking for that trap door Yugi fell into.

giggle

Ooooh! Kaiba Corp building of gargantitude on a floor with a billion giant computer screens and girls that all look identical to one another aside from their hair colour.

"Yugi's duel disk isn't showing up anywhere. He must be duelling in a secret location that no one wants me to know about," Seto says.

Man, Kaiba is a genius. He doesn't even have to really know that Not-Yugi is missing, to know that he's missing. Talk about cool.

"Multi-coloured septuplets, find all computers in the Battle City/Domino City area that are compatible with my Duel Disks. And make it snappy!"

Authoress is thrilled that he literally say's "make it snappy," because usually she just makes people say it as a joke.

"Isolate the ones that are trying to keep themselves secret," he instructs.

There are three of them, and Mokuba volunteers to start checking them out, and runs off, asking his brother to call him if he finds out anything else about Yugi or would like him to stop by the store for ice cream on his way back.

Back to the undisclosed location that is about to be discovered by the Kaiba brothers… or the trap door Yugi fell into… or… something.

"It's not to late to stop this duel."

"Fuck that! I want your Sexy Monster!"

"Then go already."

"Sure. I'll place a card face down. Ready for the Shadow Realm!?"

"OMG, don't tell me you're going to start that crap!"

And Not-Yugi plays some cards.

Then they play some cards the cancel each other out and then stupid Arkana plays a card that pretty much crucifies Not-Yugi's Dark Magician. Not that you would know that watching American television, because the cross is changed into some… silver diamond thing.

No religious connotations kids.

That's bad.

Apparently.

Even though, if you look at the card Arkana plays… there is totally a cross on it still. Not the silver diamond thing.

But with all that aside, Arkana attacks Not-Yugi's life points directly, because apparently that's the cards ability; to bypass the monster now chained to the cross/diamond and attack directly.

Back in Battle City

Téa and Gramps are in some back alley, panting for breath.

Gah!

"Must… find… Yugi…" croaks Gramps.

And here comes Mokuba running towards them.

Why is everyone running in this episode? Seriously.

"Mokuba! Help! Yugi was kidnapped by a box inside of a tent!"

"I know… Kaiba just found out," says Mokuba.

Apparently, this means that he is talking in the third person… or is refereeing to his brother as being "Kaiba." Even though he doesn't ever call his brother Kaiba, seeing as how that is horribly formal… and you don't refer to members of your own family by… your own last name. How dumb would that be?!

Not to mention confusing.

"Come on… I know where he is I think. Follow me!" says Mokuba, and then takes off running.

And Téa and Gramps do as told.

Back to the duelling Sexy Monsters!

Not-Yugi plays a defence monster.

Arkana plays a freaky wooden doll thing, and then a card called "Ectoplasmer!" which he pronounces like "Ecto Plaz Meeerrrrr!!!!!" and proceeds to suck out the very soul of his own Dark Magician.

Jerk face.

But because Mahado… or Not-Yugi's Dark Magician loves Not-Yugi, he blocks the ectoplasm/soul of Arkana's Dark Magician, with his own soul. Though this is explained by Not-Yugi later by him saying… the magic of the Ectoplasmer card effected all of the same types of card on the field.

But we all know it's because the Dark Magician loves Not-Yugi.

And I for one find that the word "Ectoplasm" is strange title to give a card, seeing as how the first thing that I think of, is that an ectoplasm is the exterior protoplasm of a cell. But an alternate definition for the word (and one that I found I had to actually look up… ) is that ectoplasm can also mean "an ethereal substance in which psychic phenomena may manifest themselves." So I guess that works a bit better than the definition I was giving it. I still don't see how it has anything to do with sucking out the souls of monsters. But that I think, might just be me thinking too hard on that.

Oh! The episode is over, and Not-Yugi is glowing for some unknown reason….

"HA! Just a turn away and I win!" says Arkana.

"Whatever. You're not going to win, and you're an idiot for believing in Marik. An idiot for thinking you can beat me. An idiot for thinking green spray painted saw blades have anything to do with the Shadow Realm. And an idiot for wearing those pants!"

"Don't listen to him cupcake!" Arkana shouts back to the silhouette behind the curtain, and then swipes away the only two monsters Not-Yugi has on the field. Because… the show wouldn't be any fun if there wasn't at least a slight chance that Not-Yugi might not win the duel.

And then Arkana plays his second Dark Magician by use of the Dark Magic Curtain, which allows you to summon high level monsters by sacrificing life points instead of monsters. Then shoots Not-Yugi's face down cards with magical arrows of doom creatively named "Anti-Magic Arrows."

So… it looks like Not-Yugi is in serious trouble, seeing as how he's got no monsters on the field, and no magic or traps cards.

But… Arkana can't read the directions on his cards apparently. Meaning… he overlooked the detail about Not-Yugi being able to use the Dark Magic Curtain as well.

"And just like you did… I play… another Dark Magician!" says Not-Yugi.

But! He! How? What? I've been watching this show for… what's it been? Sixty episodes now? Sixty two episodes actually. Not-Yugi doesn't have another Dark Magician. What is he talking about?

"Hey! You don't have another Dark Magician! Marik told me so."

"Well, you're partially right, but mostly misinformed," says Not-Yugi smugly.

Huh?

"I play… Dark Magician Girl!"

"Wholly crap! Sexy Girl Monster?! What! But… she's still not as tough. She's not got as many attack points. Dark Magician! KEEEEL!"

Audience goes "ooooh" as Dark Magician Girl appears on the field, uncaring that Not-Yugi has NEVER played her before, because she is… in fact…super cool, so we are willing to overlook the detail about him keeping her secret from us as long as he promises to play her again.

Arkana really needs to read the directions on cards too… seeing as how he just made his Dark Magician attack Dark Magician Girl. Because everyone knows that Dark Magician Girl gets a power boost for every Dark Magician in the graveyard. 300 attack points per Sexy Monster. And seeing as how there are 2… she's got 600 extra attack points.

And Arkana's Sexy Monster just glares at Arkana from the graveyard as he cries about losing to a girl. But you know… if Arkana hadn't sucked out his soul earlier, he wouldn't even be there, so it's pretty hard to feel sorry for Arkana at this point. Faceless and lonely or not… you don't disrespect the Sexy Monsters. You just don't.

And then the Dark Magician Girl wipes out Arkana's life points.

Awww. Sucks for him.

Not.

Outside the undisclosed location…

Tristan? Where did you come from?

"Hey guys, what's up?" he asks.

"You know; the usual. Saving Yugi from being kidnapped and whatnot," they tell him.

(They being Gramps, Téa and Mokuba of course.)

Back inside the undisclosed location….

"Shit! Dark energy disks!" Arkana screams, and then proceeds to scream and beg for help from Yugi. "Oh wait… spare key up my sleeve… I almost forgot."

"Arkana… you suck," says a mystical voice in his head. "Prepare to lose your legs and drop your key you were hiding."

Don't you hate when those mystical voices pop in and tell you that… and make you lose you keys. Though maybe that does explain what I can't ever seem to find mine.

But Not-Yugi unlocks himself and then… being the super nice guy he is, does this really cool dive-unlock-rescue-grab that lets Arkana keep his legs, and when they get back up off the ground, we find out that it was really Yugi who did that.

Wow Yugi. That was pretty graceful and cool. Bonus points for you, and an ice cream later if you want. Mokuba's going to pick some up later anyway…

"Katherine!!!!!!!" Arkana screams like a crazy man, and then runs toward the silhouette behind the curtain, rips the curtain down and hugs the figure… only to find out that it was… a mannequin.

Marik… that was pretty fucked up. Even for you.

"Maybe Marik is just hiding you later to surprise me!"

Uh… probably not, but we'll let you keep your delusions.

"Arkana? Are you alright? Can I help you?"

"HA! Arkana is gone!" says creepy-voiced, mind slave number 86, a.k.a, the Duellist Formerly known as Arkana.

"Marik! You freak show! What the fuck do you want," says Yugi.

"You're Pharaoh friend…that's what I want. Or his powers at least."

"No! Not-Yugi is mine and you can't have him!"

"Listen pipsqueak, I'm taking him, and you can't stop me! I've been living in an underground cave for… like 16 years. He's mine! You're nothing but a shell for him anyway. You couldn't never handle his true strength. I can. I want him! Give him to me!"

Wow… talk about a creepy love triangle.

Then… they talk about Millennium Items, and God Cards, and Marik threatens to send Yugi to the Shadow Realm at least 29½ times. But at least Marik could actually do it, unlike other characters who have been rambling about the Shadow Realm for the past 20 pages, so the fact that every seventh and eighth word in the conversation are Shadow and Realm isn't nearly as annoying this time around.

"Whatever bitch, you'll never beat me in a duel, because my name is in the title of this show!" says Yugi as he hold his hand over the Millennium Puzzle as though he's trying to keep Not-Yugi from hearing any of this.

"Yeah, well beware of the Quiet One!" says Marik via Arkana's mouth before Arkana passes out.

What… the… hell does THAT mean?

And then Téa, Gramps, Mokuba and Tristan burst through the door, delightfully late and… confused as to why Yugi is… holding Arkana in the middle of a lonely and abandoned room.

Somewhere… in a dark room of evil plottingness.

Sexy Egyptian is now standing before a table conveniently shaped exactly like the Millennium Puzzle and ogling at the Winged Dragon of Ra, while he strips for the camera and shows off the tattoos on his back!

Hell yes!

"Odeon! Dispatch the Quiet One! Stat!" commands Marik as the ending credits roll.

What… the… hell does that mean!?


PS.. for future reference, yes I do know who "The Quiet One" is. Thank you for your comments, but I HAVE seen EVERY episode of this series. I was going for "funny," not "I honestly don't know what Marik is talking about."

And lastly, it is my great misfortune to inform you that this is likely going to be the last instalment of Yu-Gi-Oh for Dummies. Thank you all for your support. One day I may do an episode for old times sake... but... I can't honestly make that promise.

Thank you again. Hope you enjoyed it.

xoxox
-Galenhiril-