Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings.
In light of my Severus Snape diary doing so well, I am going to write a diary for Aragorn. So here goes…
Chapter One: In the Prancing PonyWaiting for little people to turn up
I'm sat in a smoky pub, smoking and drinking waiting for a sprog to turn up with the ring of all power and I could be sat on my own near a nice log fire or beheading a few orcs. Why did I have to be a friend of Gandalf's? He's always getting me to do stuff he can't be bothered doing. And I have to remember not to get drunk, what's the point of being in a pub if you can't get drunk. Even that hobbit is dancing on the table- then again hobbits never could hold their alcohol, I think it's something to do with them being so small. Wait a minute, dwarves are small and they can drink anything. I think I am being watched; four hobbits in the corner are staring at me. What? I'm not weird looking. In fact, I'm the most gorgeous human on this earth and you would notice that if I didn't have my hood up.
Still waiting for little people to turn.
One of them hobbits that were watching me before is completely drunk. And his little friend is running over to him, and now he has been knocked to the floor, there might be a fight! Nope, the friend has disappeared. That's the one I'm looking for I think. What happened to Gandalf telling him "Don't draw attention to yourself?" Hobbits. Who'd have them? Suppose I had better go and fetch him.
"You draw far to much attention to yourself, Mr Baggins." Grab the hobbit, drag him up the stairs.
"What do you want?" Another drink, some more pipeweed, a beautiful wife whose father doesn't hate me, how long have you got?
"A little more caution from you, that's no trinket that you carry."
"I carry nothing." Yeh, and let me guess, you didn't mean to disappear in front of a crowd of people either.
"I can avoid being seen if I wish." Stub out candles. Without burning yourself this time.
"But to disappear entirely. That's a rare gift." Rip back hood, glare in a menacing kind of way. Advance on hobbit like a leopard on its pray. Okay, not quite a leopard, but you get what I mean.
"Who are you?" Aragorn, Ranger of the North, King of all men!
"Are you frightened?"
"Yes." You should be. I'm scary. And can be quite nasty.
"Not nearly frightened enough. I know what haunts you." Yep, nine big scaly things that ride black horses.
Then the door suddenly crashed open and three hobbits were stood there with chairs. I almost felt like giving one of them a good kick just to teach them a lesson.
"You are brave, but that will not save you." I can though. Because I am brilliant.Sat at window watching Nazgul rip beds up
It's actually quite entertaining. Now they are screaming and they've woken the hobbits up.
"What are they?" I don't know. What do you want me to do? Go over and ask them?
"They were once men, but then they got rings and turned into them things over there. They answer to Sauron."
Walking along, very slowly because hobbits have little legs.
Bought (well stole) a pony, but didn't tell the hobbits, they may think I steal things all the time. Which I don't, technically I borrow things. I'm Aragorn the borrower. All them hobbits keep whinging about is food and now I'm not going to stop for dinner either, we're going to keep going until nightfall. That'll teach them to moan about being hungry.
At the watchtower, sat on my own trying to smoke in peace without brats asking me stupid questions.
Whatever I do they ask questions, I gave them a sword each and its:
"What are these for Strider? Are we going to get attacked Strider? I don't know how to fight Strider. Will you teach me Strider?"
I filled up my pipe and it was:
"I have a pipe too Strider. But I don't tend to smoke that much. I've never tried pipeweed Strider. What's it like Strider? How much is it Strider? Where did you get it from Strider?"
They insist on saying my code name (Strider) all the time. Strider stands for- Sexy Trained Individual with Delicious Ears and is Royalty. I made it up myself.
The Nazgul are here. Wait a minute; them stupid little hobbits have started a fire! Have they learnt nothing! But I haven't finished my pipe yet. Oh well, it's their own fault, I didn't tell them to build a fire.
I suppose I had better go and help.
Show off my great fighting skills. The pipe will just have to wait. Look at my great skills! Years of practise this took! I can sword fight, shoot arrows, knives anything! Marvel at the wonder that is me! Frodo has just been stabbed. Great. It's his fault, not mine.
"You took your time." Well of all the cheeky, ungrateful little squirts! I have just fought off five wraiths and you say, "You took your time." I should leave you here and see if you still say, "You took your time," after passing into the shadow world. I suppose you can't really say much when you're half dead, but that's not the point.Half way to Rivendell, trying to find some herbs for Frodo
Why are herbs so hard to find? And I haven't brought a blender with me so I'll have to do it the old fashioned way. Chew them up and spit them into his shoulder.
"What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?"
"No, I knew you were there all the time actually, I just didn't want to say anything."
"You're an arrogant old fart, you know that?"
"Yes. And that's why you love me."
"No, I love you because some day you are going to be King and that would make me Queen. Where is Frodo?"
"Over there." She wasn't serious about the whole being Queen thing, was she?
"Are you sure he won't catch something worse off you?" If that Sam makes one more sarcastic comment, Frodo won't be the only one near dead.
"Bye Arwen!" She can deal with Nazgul better than I can.
"Come on. Forward to Rivendell!"
"I'm hungry." Arrggghh!!At Rivendell. Avoiding Elrond like he is the plague.
I don't what to talk to him. He'll come out with a stupid comment like:
"I hear that Arwen saved Frodo? Where were you?"
I was saving the other three hobbits, where were you? It's only because he's bitter about Isildur keeping the ring when he told him to chuck into the fire.
Elrond has called the leaders of all the people to a council meeting, and I have already chosen my seat. The big comfy one at the end. I hope nobody from Gondor comes, they all think they are brilliant when they aren't.Just had a really soppy moment with Arwen in the middle of a bridge.
She gave me her necklace thing and I think it is so that I can live a bit longer and she will die with me. Isn't she nice? Not sure what to think, I kept expecting Elrond to jump out from inside a bush and go "April fool!"Heading to the council
Someone has sat on my seat, some long- haired ginger twit from Gondor.
"Excuse me. I was sat there."
"Has it got your name on?"
"Yes, actually it has." Ha, I carved it on yesterday. That showed you.
They're all arguing now. The ginger one is saying we should take it to Gondor. I don't think so.
"The ring answers to Sauron alone."
"What would a ranger know about this?" What would a ginger nut know about it?
"This is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn." No autographs, please, please.
"Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?" Yes. Your point?
"And heir to the throne of Gondor."
"Gondor has no King. Gondor needs no King." I think you'll find that you do need a King, and seen as I'm the only one who can be King, I'm the one who should be King.
They're all arguing again. Who should take the ring to Mordor, why it should be the elves, why it should be the dwarves, I'm surprised Frodo hasn't said that he should take it. I'm definitely not.
"I'll take it!" Told you that would happen. That hobbit has a death wish.
"I will accompany you on this journey Frodo Baggins." Gandalf was never one to miss a party. Why's he looking at me? Oh I get it, he wants me to come along to. Well tough. I'm not.
"You have my bow." Elves. They always have to stick their noses in where they're not wanted.
"And my axe." An Elf and a dwarf travelling together for who knows how long? I'm definitely not going.
"Do you want to say something to Frodo?"
"About your sword?"
"No he's not having my sword!"
"About protecting him?"
"He's got a wizard, an elf and a dwarf to protec…" I hate it when Elrond gives you that look.
"Fine. You have my sword." I hate Elves.