Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Furthermore, this was written in accordance to the Ministry of Magick's Public Fiction Code Article X and brings no harm or hex to the reader before, after or during the reading of the piece. However, it was not written in accordance with the Ministry of Magick's Public Fiction Code ILII which states that, beyond holding hands, relationships between two men or two women are strictly forbidden.

Pairings: None as of yet, eventual sbxrl

Summary: Remus relives his past before PoA.

Here it is... For what it's worth.

i have figured out years based on 1990Harry's first year. Thus Remus' (and the rest of the Marauders, etc) go to school first in 1968. If you want to aee my math or argue, feel free to ask.

i will also warn you that i make asumptions about other people in other years, like putting Even Rosier in the same year as MWPP. Live with it.

Enjoy, please review!



In which memories are relived.

Some things are worse than death.

Death ends all. He's final and uncaring. Death is the excuse for the weak to escape and the calling of the strong to martyrdom. Unexpected death leaves the living to suffer whilst saving the departed one. Planned death is expected and often longed for; awaited. No, death isn't bad at all.

It's living that hurts. Life is the one true source of pain and suffering in the world. Death kills people, life just makes them hurt. And sometimes life drags on to where you wish you were dead, to where you hope and beg and plead that you could die. You tell yourself you'll do it yourself – only you can't. So you waste the days hoping that you'll die, that someone out there will have mercy on your soul and do away with you. But no one does.

No one is out there to hear your cries. No one cares. Any that would, are already dead.

I used to be someone and I used to have a dream. My life was going to be great. Until one night twelve years ago, that one night I lost all that I had gained.

I went to sleep happy and content (as much as anyone could have been in those dark times) and I woke up alone, afraid and angry.

For posterity let me explain, for the years leading up to this event, Great Britain had been plagued by a fiend known as Voldemort. He and his would kill without mercy. The Muggles never knew what hit, they just saw the death that flowed through the city streets, but the wizarding world… we knew. Oh! how we knew. My friends and I had trained for years to do what we could, or we thought we had.

The night of the attack, there were four of us and the next morning there were only three. One of the living three killed the other. I didn't kill him. I know I didn't. I am not just saying that because I'm narrating and you have to listen to me, I couldn't have killed him. Of course when another one died… that left the blame at the only other one left. My heart screamed.

He was sent to prison, the wizarding prison, and I moved as far from everyone as I could. They didn't want me hanging around polluting the air, so I left. I left London with my heart in pieces, my head in shambles and my dreams in chaos. What was left for me; nothing.

The following years don't matter. They were full of suffering and hurt and betrayal. It was me living in the worst conditions and telling myself that's what I deserved, it is what I deserve.

No, what's important is what had happened before that chilly autumn night… Back to August 1968…

:: chapter one ::
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