I love DVD blooper reels and deleted scenes. I love them so much that I made one for "Lost In Space." I don't own any of the characters whose names appear in People Magazine on a regular basis, and please keep in mind that this is COMEDY, and JUVENILE comedy for that matter, so don't be offended, all bashing is done in good fun.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, so don't sue.
Opening scene: Inside the "barn," where the taxis wait.
Crossword scene Callie and Max sit together
Callie: So what's a nice guy like you doing driving a cab for 12 years?
Max: It's temporary.
Callie: Twelve years isn't temporary, Max.
Vincent: That isn't your line.
(Max wets his pants)
Writer: Chill out, Max, he's not here for you. Look, I told you to wait in the parking garage.
Vincent: (whimpers) But it's loooonely out there! And I'm bored.
Writer: Oh bloody hell...(sighs) Here, take these key cards and go play with them. See what kind of trouble you can get into.
Vincent: (skips away) Yay!
Max: What's a five letter word for "behind?"
Callie: I want that guy fired. Can't we get Danny DeVito? At least he makes perversity look funny.
Ext. Justice Building: Max and Annie's scene.
(Annie hands Max her card.)
Annie: In case you ever want to investigate...uh...something...or...I dunno...
Michael: Cut! That's "Investigate a fortune five-hundred company or argue cab routes," ok?
Max: (Drools on the card) Whatever, honey, I'll call you, we'll hook up.
Annie: Cool. (Walks away)
Michael: All right, that's it, you're both fired. Vincent, go to the next cab!
(Vincent appears on the curb, looks around, and then heads toward Callie's cab.)
Vincent: Cool, I might get some in this movie. Haven't done that in a bit. Not on screen anyway.
Ext. Justice Building
(Callie pulls up to the curb. She moves forward slowly, slowly...and then hits the car in front of her.)
Callie: Oh, shit...cut! I told you I have poor depth perception!
Vincent: So how long do you think this will take?
Callie: What, I have Mapquest written on my forehead?
Vincent: (to Callie) So you're interested in criminals? Catching them, understanding them...undressing them? (gives sexy eyebrow-raise)
(Audience stampedes the set. Within seconds, Vincent is sitting in the backseat, naked.)
Vincent: How much do you make a night?
Callie: Three, maybe four hundred...
Vincent: I'll make it six hundred. Plus an extra hundred if you give me a lap dance...
Audience: Hell, we'd do that for free!
(Callie looks into the back seat to see that Vincent has left his briefcase behind)
Callie: Some people.
(She looks up and down the alley. Then she reaches into the back seat and pick up the briefcase. Dragging it into the front seat, she opens it and finds...women's underwear.)
Vincent (through the window): Knew you'd look!
(Callie sits in the cab and waits)
(A body comes crashing down from a broken window and lands on the cab. Callie looks up, annoyed, and then gets out of the cab.)
(Vincent runs into the alley)
Callie: What kind of idiot hitman lets a body fall out a window?
Vincent: I know...doesn't make me look too cool, does it.
Callie: Get the writer. We are so fixing this.
Int. Ramon's apartment
(Ray Fanning enters, gun drawn, scoping the room. Big dramatic close-up on the face, until we reach the bedroom, where he sees...a dead body on the floor)
Ray: What the fu? That's not in the script.
Writer: I changed it.
Writer: Because any hit-man worth his salt is so not going to let a body fall out the window. I don't care where the guy is when he shoots him. You know how fast he'd have to be going to hit that glass and break it?
Ray: But what about the sub-plot where I play the by-the-book detective who puts all the pieces together and gets it all right?
Writer: You WANT to get shot at the end and die a cheap death?
Ray: Good point.
Punk: Gimmie your fuckin' purse, bitch!
Callie: I'm sorry...are you sure you aren't Kid Rock?
Punk: Do I LOOK LIKE I'm Kid Rock?
Callie: Actually, yeah. Can I have your autograph?
Vincent: Hey, Hommie, is that my briefcase?
(The punks turn around, take one look at Vincent, and run away like screaming little girls.)
Vincent: (picks up briefcase) That's what I thought.
(Vincent hauls the body of the Punk into the trunk)
Callie: See, I told you he looked like Kid Rock.
Vincent: Just as well. I hate Kid Rock.
(Vincent slams down the hood. The Punk's fingers are in the way)
Callie: Ewww! I am not cleaning that up!
Behind the Scenes
Vincent and Callie sit in their chairs as they wait for the next take. Callie reaches over and takes the huge keychain/cardholder from his belt.
Callie: Doesn't this thing weigh a ton?
Vincent: Yeah, and it bangs against my hip all the time.
Callie: What the hell are all these things, anyway?
Vincent: Well, this one is to get me past security in the Justice Building...this is my preferred shoppers card from Ralphs...
Ext. Gas Station
Vincent: Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
Callie: I'd rather you paid for gas. You see the price of this stuff?
Vincent: Holy shit! For that money, we may as well drink it!
Vincent: ...this is the key to my mother's house, this is the key to my girlfriend's house, this card gets me a great discount at Kohl's, you know they have everything there...
Vincent: Come on, Callie...there isn't any reason for there to be hard feelings between us.
Callie (Looks down): You sure?
(Vincent looks down at the bulge in his pants. He just grins.)
Vincent: ...this is my Hot Topic card, they have really cool '80's stuff there, although I'm still waiting on some Risky Business merchandise to show up...
Int. Parking Gargage Under the Jazz club.
Vincent smooths out Callie's hair.
Callie: Hmmmm...(enjoying it immensely)
Vincent: I think you have dandriff...
Vincent smooths out Callie's hair.
Callie: (starts purring)
Vincent: Oh great...remember, I'm a sociopath, you're supposed to be afraid of me?
Callie: Since when was any of this about reality? So why don't we check out the shocks in the cab by rocking the back seat?
Vincent: Jazz first.
Callie: (pouts) Fine.
(Vincent walks down the hallway to the restrooms with Callie. Callie goes through the door. A second later, her hand reaches out, grasps Vincent by the lapels, and drags him in. A bunch of NOISES can be heard, and then Vincent comes out, blushing, disheveled, and his face smeared with lipstick.)
Vincent: Get that woman another drink!
Vincent: ...this is my Curves membership, they signed me up free even though it's for women only, I guess they figured it would be good for business...
Int. Jazz Club
(The table in front of Vincent, Callie and Daniel is laden with empty drinking glasses)
Callie (smashed, raising her current empty glass into the air): Garcon! Another!
Vincent: How many have you had?
Callie: As many swallows as it takes to carry a coconut. Or something.
Vincent: You're not going to be able to drive.
Callie: I can drivehell, I can fly! (flaps her arms)
Vincent: But not legally.
Callie: You care about legal? You're a hit man!
Daniel: Excuse me?
Callie: Yeah, he's a hit man, he's going to get all friendly with you, and then like the bad-ass he thinks he is, he's going to make some cold remark about the guys who hired him, and he's gonna play you and make you think he might let you go because you play really good jazz, but in the end he'll put three in your forehead before you can blink, so take some advice, fat man, and run like hell.
Vincent: (sighs) She's just pissed at me because I wouldn't have sex with her in the back seat.
Callie: Damn skippy! (Bangs glass against the table) I said another!
Vincent: ...this is my Sam's Club card, this is my Preferred Reader card from Borders, and this key is to the diary I keep in the top drawer of my dresser...
Ext. Jazz Club
("The spark went through them both, back and forth a couple of times. It seemed that his lips were never going to let go...She stopped fighting, falling limp against him, only her willpower keeping her on her feet. She let her arms hang, then slowly drew them back to her body as he relaxed his grip, and then, when the kiss broke, she just stared at him, too shaken to speak.")
Vincent: Damn, this is so much more fun than kidnapping Jamie Foxx.
Callie: Oh, so you shoot a guy, and now you want to make out. That's just...gross.
Ext. Jazz Club
(Callie and Ray are on the phone, Vincent watching)
Ray: I stumbled into a crime scene about an hour ago and now I'm getting dragged all over town.
Callie: Crime scene? What's going on?
Ray: Well, there was supposed to be this broken window and a bunch of glass in an alley, which made for a really compelling mystery, but then I got accosted by some psychotic, obsessive writer who was hell-bent on changing everything, and now my story line has been reduced to really boring background stuff.
Callie: Oh, I'd just wait it out. Things might get interesting pretty soon.
Ray: What, you know something?
Callie (looks at Vincent): Um, you're breaking up. Gotta go, bye.
Vincent: You know, I sometimes wonder why I don't just shoot you.
Callie: Because you want to screw me, remember?
Vincent: Yeah. Stupid writer, since when did I get a libido?
Callie: Since you entered the fanfic world, man. Now let's get on with that next snog scene, make Eccentric Banshee happy.
Int. Callie's Father's House
Ray Sr: I'm going to totally embarrass Callie
Callie: Da-ad! Not in front of the good looking hit-man!
Ray Sr:by asking you if you're one of those guys that insists on girls being skinny as rails.
Vincent: I'm not. I like my women with...curves.
(The ground begins to tremble as every single fangirl in the Collateral fandom rushes Vincent and effectively smothers him in a dogpile of girl-flesh.)
Widener: I just know how excited you get, Ray.
Ray: Fuck you.
Widener: No, this isn't a slash fic, we can't...but I'll keep it in mind for next time.
Ext. Callie's Father's House
(Vincent and Callie make out in front of the taxi)
Callie: Why does this feel familiar?
Vincent: What are you talking about?
Callie: The way you're unbottoning my shirt. It's exactly like in Eyes Wide Shut.
Vincent: I don't know what you're talking about.
Callie: Yeah, that scene where you went to that prostitute's apartment and couldn't find her, so you decided to have sex with her roommate instead! You were a really horny bastard in that movie.
Vincent: You are really spoiling the moment.
Callie: All of that to cheat on Nicole Kidman. That's really lousy.
Vincent: Forget it, I'm out of here.
Callie: And then you start dating that chick with the same last name as you! And then you dumped her! You seriously have problems with committment, you know that?
Vincent: ...and this is my Mission Impossible spy-card whenever I want to pretend to be a secret agent...
Int. Abandoned Restaurant: Fed Scene
Widener: Richard Widener, L.A.P.D., narcotics.
Ray: Ray Fanning, L.A.P.D., narcotics...
Pedrosa: Yeah, yeah, stuff it, I'm only talking to you because I have to.
Widener: Yeah, thanks for seeing us, Frank.
Ray: Wipe that brown spot off your nose, Richard.
Pedrosa: What the hell do you two want, anyway?
Ray: Hey, aren't you the guy from Miami Vice?
Pedrosa: What if I am?
Ray: Well, you'd better be careful. You got shot on that show quite a bit...wouldn't want something like that to happen again.
(CUT ToClub Scene)
(Pedrosa lies on the floor, remarkably calm for a guy who just got shot in the leg.)
Pedrosa: Damn. I shoulda had a V-8
(Ray takes a picture with his camera phone)
Ray: Told ya!
(Bodies thrive and dance everywhere)
(Three girls dance together, the camera showing only their hips and legs.)
(Vincent pushes his way through them.)
Girl #1: Hey, Tom Cruise just touched my ass!
Girl #2: I thought he was gay. Why would he touch your ass?
Girl #3: Tom Cruise is NOT gay!
(Callie appears from behind and slaps girl #2. She falls unconscious, and then the three start dancing.)
Girl #3: Tom Cruise isn't gay, but his girlfriend is!
(Callie slaps girl #3 to the ground. Then she looks at girl #1)
Callie: You got anything to add?
Girl #1: Hey, Tom Cruise just touched my ass. I could die happy now.
(Vincent pushes through the crowd. Suddenly a random fangirl throws herself at him.)
Fangirl: Hey, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Vincent: (Shows it to her) It's a gun.
(Fangirl screams and runs away. Vincent winks at the camera, points the gun at his mouth, and it squirts liquid into it.)
(Vincent grabs the first bodyguard and knocks him to the ground. Then he grabs the second one and they start fighting.)
(Suddenly the music in the club changes from a fast-paced dance groove to a slow waltz.)
(Vincent and the bodyguard stop fighting and start to dance across the floor.)
Bodyguard: Wow, your breath sure smells nice.
Vincent: Thanks, I put Scope in my squirt-gun.
Girl #2: To cover up that sperm-scent.
(Vincent draws his squirt gun and fires it at girl#2. It hits her dead in the eye and she runs away screaming)
Vincent: ...this is my Walgreens card, this is my CVS pharmacy card, and this is my OSCO Drugs card...
Callie sits at the bar, licking a Martini glass dry.
Callie: Bartender, another!
Vincent: (appears from behind) Not again! More alcohol?
Callie: Well what do you expect me to do, waiting between make-out scenes?
Vincent: We can't do anything here, your brother is right over there, watching! (points to Ray, who is watching them from across the floor and waves)
Callie: He's not even my brother, he just plays one in this fanfic. You know, he's not bad looking, either. If you won't make out with me, maybe he will.
Callie: What, haven't you learned from Star Wars that brother-sister love is perfectly natural?
Vincent: (sighs) Ok, maybe I was a little premature about that whole Jamie Foxx thing...
(Vincent stalks through the crowd, gun poised. He has his deadly-serious, no-nonsense look on his face)
(Suddenly Jason Lee /Vanilla Sky/ appears)
Lee: Hey, dude, you made it! And they fixed your face!
Lee: Although they really fucked up your hair, man...
Vincent: What's wrong with my hair?
Vincent stalks through the crowd, gun poised. He has this deadly-serious
(Penelope Cruz appears)
Cruz: David! You made it! And you look normal...except for that funky hair.
Callie: (from behind) I LIKE his hair!
Victoria: (from Soulless) So do I!
Collateral Fangirls: So do WE!
(All the girls dogpile on Cruz and beat the crap out of her)
Lee: Still have quite a way with the ladies, I see...
Vincent stalks through the crowd...
(Penelope Cruz appears again and throws her arms around him.)
Cruz: Man, you're hot! Why the hell did I ever dump you?
Vincent: You didn't dump me, I dumped you, now let go, I'm busy.
Cruz: Doing what? Isn't this our club scene?
Vincent: Wrong movie, Penelope. Now go back to the desert with Matthew McConaughey.
Cruz: But I want to stay, and talk in my cute accent, and say eccentric things like, "I'll tell you in another life when we are both cats."
Callie: (suddenly appears) You want to see cats, girlfriend?
Vincent: ...and this is my security card from when I pretended to be a Fed-Ex guy, I never told them I kept that...
Widener drags Callie out of the club. Callie goes to stand in the alley, watching Richard.
Suddenly three bright red PAINT BALLS explode all over Widener's beige trenchcoat.
Callie: (turns to Vincent and pulls out her own paintgun) GOTCHA!
She fires at him and blue paint balls explode over his suit.
Widener pulls out another paint gun and starts firing yellow paintballs at both of them. Then they run around screaming in the alley, firing paint-balls at each other and hiding among the cars to avoid getting hit.
Ray comes out of the club. He looks up to the sky and shakes his head.
Ray: Fanfic actors...
Vincent: Come on!
(Callie looks back to Widener, covered with blue and red blotches of paint)
(Vincent grabs Callie and drags her backwards.)
(Callie slips and falls on her ass in the middle of the alley. She starts to laugh drunkenly and shows Vincent the paint on her foot that made her fall)
Vincent: Damn paintballs!
Callie gets into the car and puts it into drive. She presses the accelerator and crashes the cab head-first into another car, then bounces across the alley. The car pulls to a stop.
Random fangirls dressed as crew run to the car.
Callie: I'm fine, I'm fine
Fangirls: Fuck you, get out of the way! Vinceeeeeent!
Callie starts up the car and starts to drive.
Vincent realizes his door is still open.
Vincent: No, wait, wait! (reaches to close it)
Callie jerks the car, Vincent loses his balance. His feet kick the door farther open and it slams against a nearby parked car. It SLAMS back against his foot and catches his ankle.
Vincent: Great...how the hell am I supposed to carry you now?
Callie: (blushes) Oops...
Vincent: ...and this is a laminated card of all the women I've been married to. Apparently I'm legally required to show it on a first date since I've been married so many timesyou know, girls need to know what they're getting into...
Ext. StreetAfter the car crash
Callie stands in the middle of the road, Vincent clutching her arm.
Vincent: Come on, run.
Callie: It says in the script you're supposed to throw me over your shoulder.
Vincent: (pointing to the ice-pack wrapped around his foot) Do I LOOK like I can carry you?
Callie: Geeze, what are you, Kid Rock now? Talk about grumpy...it was your own stupid fault.
Vincent: Just get moving. (grumbles) Max wouldn't have done this...
Callie: Yeah, but you would have left Max's ass back with the car, after beating him with a stick. And Max also doesn't have breasts.
Vincent: Neither do you.
(Callie turns and slugs him)
Int. CabCallie's "Max" moment where she "flips" the car.
Callie: Go ahead, shoot me!
(Vincent squirts his water-pistol at her. It hits her in the eye.)
Callie screams and the car veers and then flips over several times.)
Vincent: (from the wreckage) Some days I feel like I'm STILL stuck in Vanilla Sky.
Callie: (weakly) Tech support!
Vincent: Better not have smashed my face up, or the fangirls are going to get you...
Random Taxi SceneCallie in front, Vincent in back.
Vincent: Respect the cock...and TAME the cunt!
Callie: Oh, God, now he's channeling Magnolia.
Vincent: I can't believe Jamie Foxx got nominated for an Academy Award and I didn't...(grumble grumble)
Callie: What's this last card, the Happy Bunny?
Vincent and Callie look at a picture of a Happy Bunny with an ax in its head. Underneath the caption reads, "Everything's great, thanks for asking"
Vincent: Nicole (Kidman) sent me that. Think she was trying to tell me something?
Writer: Ok, guys, I'm changing the car flipping scene.
Callie & Vincent: Why?
Writer: Well, as much as Eccentric Banshee likes it, I have to made SOME adjustments. I mean, after all, this fanfic isn't one of those "rip off the movie and just change who says whatever line" stories, it's a true parallel universe, so I don't think Callie would flip the cab, I think it would just spin around.
Callie: But I LIKE the car flipping scene. I took this job just so I could flip the car over!
Writer: Uh...it says here that you took the job so you could make out with Vincent.
Callie: Well...that too...
Int. Law Office Night
(The telephone rings. Annie picks it up)
Annie: Joe's Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
(The telephone rings. Annie picks it up)
Annie: Whoever you are, you've got the wrong number.
Drunk on Phone: You mean this aint 1-900-HOTGIRL?
(The telephone rings. Annie picks it up)
Annie: District Attorney's Office.
Ray: Yeah, is your refridgerator running? 'Cause if it is, you better go catch it!
(The telephone rings. Annie picks it up)
Annie: District Attorney's Office
Ray: Better clear out, Niobe, Agents are on the way!
Vincent: ...and this card gets me into a very exclusive gentleman's club, I won't give the name, but I'll tell you they use a certain long-eared animal as their symbol...
Callie: What, a jackass?
Int. Law Office NIGHT
Vincent stalks around the room. Suddenly there's a very loud THUD and Vincent hops away on one foot.
Vincent: Damn coffee table! Who put that there? I think I broke my shin!
Vincent limps around the room. He spots Annie. He backs her against the wall and then squirts his gun at her.
Annie: (spitting in disgust) What is that, Listerine?
Vincent backs Annie into a corner. He looks up to see a looming figure in the dark.
Morpheus: No. And you messed with the wrong crew.
(Annie jumps up and kicks Vincent square in the jaw)
Annie: Some things never change.
Morpheus: And some things do. Now let's haul ass.
Vincent: ...and this card gets me into The Pilots Club, did you know I can take you up in a plane and make you throw up if I wanted to?
Callie: You did that to me already with Top Gun.
Int. Metro Train Night
Callie and Annie hide behind the metal partitions, shivering in terror as Vincent gets closer and closer.
Callie: (looks up at the sign) Hey, we're going to Long Beach! I've always wanted to see the Queen Mary...
Callie and Annie huddle by the open doors to the waiting station. Vincent stands outside, gun poised and ready to fire.
Callie tosses a red rubber ball into the platform. Vincent drops his gun and runs after it, barking.
Callie: Works every time...
Vincent: ...and this is my Vons Club card, this is my Trader Joe's card, and this is my Target card. I know I'm insanely rich, but you don't stay rich spending all your money. And I think...that's it.
Int. AirportFinal Scene
Vincent: Well, this is goodbye.
Callie: After that kiss, now it's just goodbye? So I get left high and dry?
Vincent: Yeah, well, you see, the Writer did fanfics before this one, and she's only let me end up with one girl. And if I don't go meet her pretty soon, she's gonna get really, really pissed.
Callie: Another girl? You mean you flirted with me all this time and you're already with somebody else?
Vincent: I am a criminal, what do you expect? Besides, this is Alternate Universe, that other girl was in the regular universe.
Callie: Then why can't you stay? Since she's in the other universe and you're here.
Vincent: I never thought of that. Hey, why can't I stay?
Writer: Because you've got other fanfics you have to be in.
Vincent: Like what?
Writer: Well, Winged Seraph needs you for her fanfic "Effigy," although I'm not sure that's a romance, and Sargonne needs you for her fanfic "Vestige," and SYNB needs you to hustle your ass back to that club scene for her fanfic...
This last bit is really for Winged Seraph, but if you're at all familiar with my Secret Widow fic, it'll make sense to you, too
(Suddenly, Trent Cash appearsthe bag dropper from the first scene of "Collateral")
Trent: I'm here to pick up Vincent.
Writer: In a minute, you can have him. Why did Winged Seraph send you to get him and not Vanessa?
Trent: Well, she knew both you and she had a thing for me, so she figured I needed to show up at least once in your fanfic.
Writer: Oh, okay, you'll get no arguement from me. The more eye-candy in this fic the better...
Trent: She also mentioned something about Bruce.
Writer: Bruce? (blushes) Oh, that's nothing...
Trent: It didn't sound like nothing.
Writer: Listen, Handsome Rob, get lost or I'll
Callie: Hey, I really hate airports, can we just finish this? Fine, Vincent, go to your other girlfriend, I don't care.
Vincent: If my girlfriend is in another reality, why can't I be with Callie?
Writer: What, you want to be with Callie, just like that? You kill people in front of her, traumatize her, threaten her, and now you want to get all sappy?
Callie: This is a fanfic, you know.
Writer: Not that kind of fanfic. Maybe in the sequel, but not today. Vincent, plane. Trent, door. And Callie, go comfort your hot brother.
Vincent: I still say that's gross.
Writer: See you all next time around, folks!