Hajimari (The Beginning)

A CCS fanfic by Sakura

Standard disclaimers apply.

Slightly edited version up 2002.9.13.

My first (and probably last) shounen ai fic.


"I love you," Touya brokenly whispered.

The supposed pinnacle of his love life was rudely interrupted by a thirty-tier Christmas cake crashing on the table between him and the person he had just poured out his heart to --- a fair haired smiling guy who was beaming one of his brightest smiles at the waitress who had just lugged the tall cake, candles and all, to their table.  The cake was like a mountain between them, so big that he couldn't see what was going on at the other side of the table.  After the waitress left, a fair head popped out from behind the icing and candles.

"To-ya, did you just say something?"

Tsukishiro Yukito. 

Beautifully pale and slender, fair hair drifting over light amber eyes that twinkled behind a pair of glasses. 

Touya sighed, defeated.  "Never mind."

"You look kind of...well, how do you say this, overwhelmed."

"Because I am," he snapped, pointing at the gigantic wall of cake that lay between them.  "Why the hell did you order a cake this big?!"

"It's Christmas, that's why," Yukito answered matter-of-factly, hacking off one side and dumping it on a plate.  "Here, have some."

Tsukishiro Yukito. 

A walking and perennially smiling bottomless pit.

"Thanks," Touya mumbled, taking the tall wedge of cake that was dangling precariously on the edge of the too-small plate.  All around them people were whispering and pointing at the spectacle that was their table --- two good-looking guys, the tower of cake lying between them, the fact that they had been sitting there for hours and doing nothing but eat.  They're probably jocks, mused someone, I've never seen people with such big appetites before.  The girls gazed at them dreamily and hoped for a furtive glance their way, but alas, that was impossible, for Yukito was completely absorbed in nothing else but the cake, and Touya was too busy sighing and toying around listlessly with a fork.

It was Christmas, a season for lovers.

And Touya thought it would be the perfect time to tell Yukito what he had been trying to tell him for the longest time now.

Fat chance.  He should've known it wouldn't be that easy.

"Sakura-chan," Yukito was saying between bites, "is she with Li-kun right now?"

Touya rolled his eyes and set his fork down.  "Heaven forbid."

"Then she is, isn't she?"

He frowned.  "What's it to you?  If the monster wants to spend time with a lowlife, that's her business."

Yukito paused for a moment to smile at him.  "You know what, To-ya?  For someone who loves his kid sister to death, you sure can be so heartless sometimes."

"Oho."  Touya folded his arms in contempt.  "So now I'm heartless, am I?"

"I said sometimes."  Yukito's light amber eyes softened.  "Just sometimes."

But Yukito was right.  He did love his younger sister a lot, so much that he would still look out for her even when she was already in junior high school.  Because he was possessed by what Yukito called his 'manic guardian angel complex' (confound Yuki and his terms!), he played the role of the overly protective older brother with relish, glaring suspiciously at all the boys who looked at his sister with some semblance of interest, but reserving his extra-special venomous look for the Chinese brat who seemed to be stuck to her all the time.

"They like each other a lot," Yukito pointed out to him once, and he shook his head in disagreement.  "Sakura's just a kid.  This is just a phase; she'll change her mind.  I give it a month."

And yet years later they were still together, much to his dismay.

"Why don't you just accept the fact that they're meant to be together?" Yukito had laughingly patted him on the head, the way Kaho used to do.

Touya glowered back as hard as he could.  "I'm not letting my guard down around that brat; he probably has a trick or two up his dirty little sleeve." 

He loved his sister so much that he thought it was only right that he decide some things for her, like whom to fall in love with.  Before, Sakura had a big crush on Yukito, and even though Touya secretly knew that he was feeling something akin to attraction to his best friend himself, he thought that it would probably be better if she ended up with Yukito instead.  And why not?  Yukito was warm and friendly and took good care of Sakura; he looked after her needs as if he were her older brother himself.  And so Touya's decision was, if he left his younger sister with his best friend, he wouldn't have to worry about anything.

But things didn't turn out according to plan.

"You can't decide things like falling in love," Yukito told him once.  "It just happens."

And so Sakura eventually fell for the brat, and as for him and Yukito, they were---

Still stuck at a dinner table and getting nowhere.

The cake was now down to its last five tiers, and across the table Yukito laid down his fork with a sigh.         

"Ugh.  I think I ate too much."

"Are you done?" Touya had to grin.

"Of course not!"

Yukito, his not-so little but still adorable and gluttonous snow bunny.

He picked up his fork again and thought, maybe the revelation could wait for another time.

But there came another good opportunity.

"Look at all those stars!" Yukito exclaimed, digging his hands in his pockets to keep them warm.  Instead of climbing up Tokyo Tower and gazing at the sky from the observatory, they decided to sit on a bench in a nearby park.  Yukito counted the benefits off his fingers.  We get to save money, we get to breathe in fresh air, plus, we get a better view.

A better view indeed. 

Touya pretended to concentrate on a star or two, but from the corner of his eye he was watching Yukito --- who was even paler in the moonlight, the stars shining in his glasses, a bright smile lifting his lips. 

"Look, To-ya, a shooting star!"

"Oh."  He blinked.  "Oh yeah, a shooting star.  Right."

"Is something wrong?"  His best friend asked.  "You look like you have something on your mind."

Aha.  Perfect.   

Taking the cue, Touya turned to him.  "Actually, there is something I've been wanting to tell you."

Yukito stared back in silence for a moment, realization slowly dawning in his eyes.  "What is it, then?" 

He took a deep breath.  "Yuki, I---"


"Ah!" Yukito turned back to the sky with wide eyes, taking in the sudden fireworks display.  "Fireworks in Christmas!  Isn't that awesome?"



"Wow, look at that one!"

"It's wonderful," Touya miserably agreed, resisting the crazy urge to run away and scream his head off like a banshee.  This was going to be one long night...

It was a terribly frustrating game of hit and miss. 

Beside a vending machine, Touya decided to go for it.

"Yuki, I love you."

"Oops!" Yukito laughed, holding the can of soda that was bubbling over, away from his shirt.  "Clumsy me.  Ah, sorry To-ya, what were you saying?"

Before a takoyaki stand, Touya tried again.

"Yuki, I love you."

"You want extra onions on that?" asked the vendor, clapping tongs together.

"That would be good."  Yukito beamed.  "Thank you very much!"

Then at a stoplight ---

"Yuki, I love you," Touya said, flatly.

"Excuse me," a woman tapped on Yukito's shoulder, "but is Shibuya Station on this block or the next?"

Afterwards, at a busy street corner ---

"Yuki, I love you," Touya muttered. 


"I said, I--"

"I can't hear you!"

And so the night dragged on, and Touya was losing it.  Fast.

Patience is a virtue, a little whiny voice piped up in his head; but having had just about enough, he grabbed Yukito's arm and deftly, forcefully, turned him around so they were facing each other. 

It was a quiet road; nobody was in sight.

Light amber eyes widened.  "To--"

"YUKI," he screamed, "I LOVE YOU, GODDAMMIT!!"

Yukito wasn't just Yukito.  He was also a tall beautiful winged creature named Yue, with long silver hair and pale eyes the color of the moon.  Although he knew all the while that Yukito was someone else, Touya never had the chance to meet his other soul; not until that moment when he decided to look into his best friend's light amber eyes and tell him as gently as he could ---

I know you're not human, so you don't have to hide from me anymore.

He cared about Yue just as much as he cared about Yukito, so he willingly gave all the power he had to both of them, hoping that his sacrifice would keep them from disappearing forever. 

And it helped.  Yue and Yukito were saved, but for him things had suddenly changed --- no longer could he see the lost, wandering souls drifting through the busy streets, nor his own mother, Nadesico, beautiful and smiling over his head like an angel.  No longer could he feel how deep his sister's pain was when she cried, nor how great her joy was when she laughed.  No longer could he tell when she was in peril.  He lost his keen perception, the one 'gift' that, in the whole family, he alone possessed. 

But in its place, he had Yukito, all safe and sound.

Then he knew that losing everything had been worth it.

And he was supposed to put this emotion, his overwhelming devotion into words, but losing it, snapping under the pressure, he ended up being embarrassingly, horrifyingly blunt.


Yukito was stunned into silence, staring at him and making no move to pull away from his grasp.                     

"Sorry," Touya mumbled, hastily releasing his somewhat tight grip on the latter's arm.  

The road was empty and mottled with dark shadows, but the moon was bright and it shone in Yukito's glasses, his light amber eyes.  "To-ya," he hesitated, "did you say what I think you just said?"

Touya almost fell over.  Man, he was really trying his patience.  Well, two could play that game.  "What do you think?"

"I think you did."

"So I did."




A painfully uncomfortable silence ensued.

Touya's head was reeling.  Uh-oh.  The hesitation must mean something.  Maybe I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.  Maybe I reading the signs wrong.  Maybe I came across as too aggressive or something.  Maybe---

Maybe he really doesn't feel the same way at all.

Touya felt a sudden lump in his throat, and he stared down at his shoes.  "Never mind." 


"Just forget it.  Let's go home now."

"Wait."  Yukito's voice was oddly urgent.

"Hn?"  He snapped his head up.

Light amber eyes sought his own and held them in an unflinching gaze.  

Touya felt his mouth run dry.  "Yuki?"

Yukito continued to stare at him, not saying a word.  Gazing back into those light amber depths, losing himself in them, Touya then realized that Yukito was telling him something --- that all this time, he had been waiting to hear those words from him.  And all this time, he had been waiting to say those words himself...

Then Yukito's eyes narrowed. 

So don't you dare run away, To-ya, or you won't live to regret it.

Touya's heart started to beat madly with anticipation.

This is it; the moment had finally come...        

Pale arms reached up to draw him closer, and their foreheads touched lightly. 

"Tell me again," Yukito softly said, "because I think I didn't hear you right the first time."

Although his heart was already drumming frantically in his ears, he managed to smile.  "Idiot."

"Tell me," Yukito insisted, promise glinting in his eyes.

And so he said it again.

And again.

And again.

And over and over and over and over---

Until Yukito finally had to pull him closer and keep him silent for what seemed to be a very long time.